


Someone to Love

by ellebeedarling



Series: After All This Time [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Action & Romance, Angst, Canon Divergence, Earthborn Shepard, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, John Shepard - Freeform, Love, M/M, Mentions of childhood abuse, Mentions of past drug abuse, Romance, Smut, mentions of childhood rape, the rape/noncon tag is related to Shep's childhood, war hero
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-09-17 20:16:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 53
Words: 155,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9341489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellebeedarling/pseuds/ellebeedarling
Summary: John Shepard grew up on the streets, never knowing what it meant to be loved. When he reaches the pinnacle of his career as the first human Spectre, he begins to think he's destined to be alone for the rest of his life.**Now with incredible artwork by the magnificent FallingOverSideways in Ch. 8!!A new drawing has been added to Ch. 31, courtesy of the amazing rego-mem on tumblr! :)**Notice the update in tags. I've been working on this fic for months, but was debating with myself whether to change certain aspects of Shepard's past to make the story less.... sad, I guess. In the end, I decided, this is my Shepard. He had a sucky life up till this point. There will be graphic depictions of violence, but there will NOT be graphic depictions of rape or child abuse - only mentions of it. Trigger warnings will be posted at the beginning of each chapter. I wanted people to understand that.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is really just my nonsense headcanon for this pair. I love them so very, very much! :)
> 
> Story follows the events of all three games through post Reaper war. Romance with Kaidan begins in Mass Effect 1.

“Fifteen hundred is good. Your captain will be pleased.” The turian Spectre turned on his heel and walked away, and Kaidan chanced a glance at the man still standing behind the pilot's chair. Commander John Shepard – Alliance golden boy – stood ramrod straight, hands clasped behind his back, feet shoulder width apart, blue eyes staring straight ahead at the stars drifting past the viewport. He was hot. Kaidan wasn't above admitting it. Anyone with one eye and half sense could see it.

 

Shepard's blue eyes locked on his for the barest second before returning to the dark void in front of them.

 

“I hate that guy,” Joker said.

 

Kaidan scoffed, incredulous, “Nihlus paid you a compliment, so... you hate him.”

 

“Remember to zip up your jumpsuit on your way out of the bathroom, that's good. I just jumped us halfway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead, that's incredible. Besides I don't like having him on board. Spectres are trouble. Call me paranoid.”

 

“You're paranoid,” Kaidan said flatly.

 

Shepard was quiet as their banter volleyed back and forth. Joker was a nice guy, but his smart-assedness was renowned throughout the Alliance. Kaidan glanced at the Commander again, and saw a tiny smile playing on his lips. That smile had already proven distracting to more than one crewman in the week they'd been on the ship prepping for this mission. One of the Draven twins – Kaidan still couldn't tell them apart – had dropped her coffee right onto the Commander's feet once when he'd smiled at her.

 

Scuttlebutt was running rampant with speculation as to the man's relationship status, and Kaidan wasn't the only man on the ship who'd taken notice of Shepard's finer points – namely glittering blue eyes, rippling muscles, and tight ass. Art appreciation. Word had it that one of the girl's in engineering had actually worked up the nerve to ask the Commander if he was seeing anyone, and he'd laughed and walked off shaking his head, choosing not to answer. Naturally, this only served to fan the flames of speculation. If he was aware that his love life was the chief item of gossip on the ship, he never let on. Kaidan was certainly not going to be the one to inform him. Besides, Shepard was a big boy – he could probably handle it on his own.

 

“The Council helped fund this project. They have a right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment,” Kaidan said.

 

“Yeah, that is the official story. Only an idiot believes the official story.”

 

“They don't send Spectres on shakedown runs,” Shepard finally interjected, looking first to Joker then to Kaidan before returning his gaze to the starry expanse in front of him, and Kaidan didn't think he could ever tire of the deep, warm tones of the man's voice.

 

When Captain Anderson called for him, the Commander slipped out of the cockpit, heading for the comm room. Joker twisted in his chair to make sure Shepard was gone. “He's intimidating as hell, huh?”

 

“That's one of the reasons he's so good at his job,” Kaidan said with a laugh. “Rumor has it he comes off as a real hard ass at first, but is actually a pretty cool guy once you get to know him.”

 

“And where exactly did these rumors come from?”

 

“Same place all rumors come from, Joker... around.”  
  


Conversation ceased as soon as they entered the Utopia system, and their comms flared to life with an urgent message from Eden Prime – their target destination. Kaidan muttered a curse as they watched the vid feed from the planet's surface, which was currently under attack from an unknown aggressor. “Guess you were right that this wasn't a milk run,” he conceded to Joker.

 

“Alenko,” Shepard's booming voice cut into the cockpit, “suit up! You're on the ground team!”

 

Signing out of his console, he gave Joker a quick pat on the shoulder before heading for the elevator to the armory. Shepard was already in his under suit, snapping pieces of armor into place when Kaidan arrived. Corporal Jenkins was beside him, fingers fumbling as he tried to pull his armor on as well. “It's going to be fine, Jenkins,” Shepard said to the younger man. “Remember your training and stay on my six. Okay?”

 

“Aye, Sir,” Jenkins responded, sounding more confident that he looked. “It's just.... Eden Prime is my home.”  
  


“We're going to do everything we can,” Shepard said with a quite confidence that seemed to bolster the younger man. Nodding, Jenkins turned his attentions back to his weapons and armor. Shepard, himself, pulled an assault rifle out of his locker, and gave it a quick once over before strapping it to his back. His pistol was next. Kaidan had never seen a pistol like it. It had a high-powered, sniper scope on it. Shepard pulled it up to eye level, sighting down the scope before making a quick adjustment to the sights and holstering the weapon with practiced ease. Lastly, he checked the readouts on his omni-tool and biotic amp before turning toward Kaidan. “Ready, Alenko?”

 

“Aye, Sir!”

 

“Jenkins?” Shepard asked.

 

“Aye, Sir!

 

“Then let's show these bastards what's up!”

 

**

 

Shepard had an aura about him that made people naturally flock to follow him. In all his years in the military, Kaidan had never met anyone like him. He wasn't just a man, he was a presence. A force to be reckoned with. Which was why Kaidan was having such a hard time now, seeing the man lying unconscious on the ground. Nothing should have been able to take down a man like Shepard. Despite the fact that the mission to Eden Prime had gone FUBAR within five minutes of them having boots on the ground, Kaidan had never doubted that they would win the day, complete the objective, finish the mission.

 

That had gone to hell in a handbasket. Jenkins and Nihlus were dead, the beacon they'd come for, destroyed, and now, Shepard may be dying as well. The new squad mate they'd picked up on the planet, Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, was glued to the Commander's side, feeling that his current state was all her fault. Kaidan wasn't inclined to disagree with her. She'd been the one to stray to close to the Prothean artifact after all, leading to the events that culminated in the beacon exploding and knocking the Commander out cold. Though he did suspect that whatever the hell had happened, would have happened anyway when Shepard approached the thing. His voice was more panicked than he would have liked as he called the Normandy for extraction.

 

While they waited, he stared down at the Commander's still form, dread clinging to him like a heavy blanket, stifling and choking. He'd thought the man invincible. Williams' brown, cow eyes peered up at him with something like a plea gleaming out of them. It was obvious that she was riddled with guilt, though he suspected that it had as much to do with losing her squad as it did with Shepard's current state. Jenkins was the first team member he'd lost. He supposed he should count himself lucky. He didn't. And he couldn't think about Jenkins right now. All he could focus on was getting them the hell off this damnable planet.

 

The medics rushed down the ramp with a gurney for Shepard, and Kaidan and Ashley followed it as far as the elevator. With a hand on her shoulder, he indicated that they needed to let the medical team go alone. Shepard needed attention. He heard her shaky inhale of breath before she nodded her agreement. She didn't stop pacing until the elevator returned, and the ride up to the crew deck was obviously torture for the poor woman. “I'm sure the Commander will be fine,” Kaidan offered weakly. Unfortunately, he didn't have that spark that Shepard had that made people believe in him instantly, and Ashley's doubtful look told him that she wasn't convinced. She nodded anyway, though.

 

Anderson sent them both to the med-bay to be checked over while crews were dispatched to retrieve the bodies of Jenkins and Nihlus. Kaidan's eyes were drawn to the sleeping form of his XO on the table next to his. He'd been stripped of his armor and was covered with a thin white sheet. Kaidan could see a few tattoos peeking out from under the cover, and he had to admit a certain amount of surprise. Shepard certainly didn't seem to fit the stereotypical tattooed marine. Then again, Shepard was an enigma to the crew. Who knew what the man was really like? The Commander's face was turned toward him, lips slightly parted, a look of pure peace on his chiseled face. Kaidan watched the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest then stifled a shudder. No sense developing a crush on a superior. He closed his eyes and looked away, suddenly feeling a migraine developing.

 

Ten hours later, the Normandy was en route to the Citadel to deliver the dead Spectre's body and the remains of the Prothean beacon. Shepard was still unconscious in the med-bay, and the whole crew was on edge. Kaidan sat in the mess eating what passed for breakfast on this tug. Cardboard coated in wallpaper paste would probably taste better, but he needed food. So he ate. He was finalizing his report for Anderson, and working on the duty roster for the week when he saw Ashley head into the med-bay for the hundredth time. It was a good thing Dr. Chakwas was a patient woman. Kaidan, himself, would have gotten fed up with it about eight hours ago. He wasn't even sure if the woman had slept – she just kept trekking in and out of medical, checking on the Commander. Kaidan supposed that he might be doing the same thing if he were in her shoes, but from the outside looking in, he couldn't see the point.

 

Kaidan choked down his powdered eggs and toast, washing it down with acrid coffee. He took a moment to wonder if he would miss the taste of Alliance coffee when – if ever – he retired, before turning his attention back to his work. The captain passed Williams on his way into the med-bay as Kaidan was finishing his last report. Half an hour later Shepard came striding out into the mess hall. He spoke with Williams then turned his attention to Kaidan. They spoke for a few moments about Jenkins and the Commander's well-being.

 

“I'm heading to the bridge to watch Joker bring us into the Citadel if you want to head up with me. It's supposed to be a spectacular sight,” Shepard said in his deep baritone. Kaidan felt a slight flutter in his chest, and nodded his agreement. “Williams?” Shepard called from across the room. “Care to join us on the bridge?”

 

Kaidan would never admit his disappointment in a million years.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard is overwhelmed by memories of his past, Kaidan and John share a celebratory drink, and Kaidan does something spontaneous... and also a little foolish.
> 
> Warning: Mentions of homophobia. Very brief mention of child abuse and drug use.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a.) There won't be too terribly many of these flashback scenes in this fic, but I wanted to begin establishing the fact that poor Shep had an absolutely shittastic childhood. 
> 
> b.) I am utter crap at writing slow burn, so we're diving in with love at first sight instead! :)
> 
> c.) Notice the update in tags. I've been working on this fic for months, but was debating with myself whether to change certain aspects of Shepard's past to make the story less.... sad, I guess. In the end, I decided, this is my Shepard. He had a sucky life up till this point. There will be graphic depictions of violence, but there will NOT be graphic depictions of rape or child abuse - only mentions of it. Trigger warnings will be posted at the beginning of each chapter. I wanted people to understand that. 
> 
> d.) While there will be sadness and angst, overall I am a cheesy sap. As such, expect some happy, sappy, cheesiness! :)

“ _Raina, why don't I have parents?” Big blue eyes, bright with youth, stared innocently up into weathered gray ones._

 

“ _I don't know, Johnny. Sometimes parents love their children so much that they give them to someone else to raise because they think that's what is best.”_

 

_A warm tear slid down a grubby cheek. “I wish they didn't love me so much, then.”_

 

_The older woman pulled him to her chest with a sob of regret.“So do I, child. So do I.”_

 

Shepard blinked the memory away and took in the view of the Presidium. The voices of Anderson and Udina – arguing over his future – filtered into his ears. The Council had made him a Spectre – the first human to achieve that status. It was never something he had aspired to, but he was honored that anyone would think him worthy of the title. Who would have ever believed it of an orphan, abandoned at birth, raised by a gang?

 

The truth was, he'd never felt worthy of the life he now lived. At fifteen he'd been trapped in a vicious cycle of crime and violence with no escape in sight. When his biotics had made themselves manifest, the gangs had all started fighting over him. Each group saw the potential of having a biotic attacker backing them up. In the end, he had chosen to remain loyal to the group that had taken him in as a child, The Tenth Street Reds.

 

_John tore down the street, not daring to look behind him, knowing that his police pursuers were too close for comfort. He darted into a convenience store, knocking an unsuspecting patron off her feet, but he didn't even bother to see if she was okay, just waved his pistol menacingly at the clerk and continued through the back of the store into the alley. The first door that opened at his touch, he stumbled through, realizing belatedly that it was an Alliance recruitment office. His blue eyes, wide and terrified, searched frantically for another exit, but he was stopped by a firm grip on his shoulder. Heart sinking into his stomach, Shepard turned to face whoever was standing between him and freedom, and found himself face to face with the hard glare of a marine recruiter. Terror was etched on the boy's face, and the man's expression softened. “Easy, son,” he said._

 

_He felt like a caged animal, trapped and anxious. His eyes flitted around the room, never coming to rest, desperate for a way out. He didn't know what to do. It would have been so easy to hurt this man – to shoot him or blast him with his biotics, and he would be free. However, something deep inside him whispered that this was it – his one chance to get out for good. At just seventeen years of age, John's life already seemed bleak, his outlook hopeless. Petty crime, drugs, abuse, this was his reality, and the thought of endless days and nights, continuing in this fashion, left him with a bitter taste in his mouth. Somehow he knew that if he walked out that door now, he'd end up dead on the street within the next five years._

 

“ _Help me,” he pleaded with the man, gripping his shirt. “Please! I want out!”_

 

_Cryptic as the message was, the man seemed to understand. “How old are you, son?”_

 

“ _Seventeen, but I'll be eighteen in two weeks. Please, can you help me?”_

 

_The man nodded, then turned to find a pen and paper, scribbling down an address and a note. “My name is Corporal Fields. Take this. Go to the address, and give this to my wife. She'll show you where you can stay, and when I get home, we'll talk.”_

 

_John nodded solemnly, clutching the paper tightly in his fist, and bolted out the front door._

 

He still wasn't sure what had possessed the man to trust him – a wild-eyed, gang member, waving a gun. Perhaps he saw something in the boy's eyes that made him willing to take a chance. Whatever the reason, John would always be grateful. He'd been backed into a corner and had taken the first available exit – The Alliance. Not that he regretted his decision. His life before had always been escaping one scrape only to land directly into another – out of the frying pan, so to speak. Come to think of it, military life wasn't all that different. Maybe that was just the way his life was meant to be – full of hard knocks and difficult choices. Then again, was anybody else's life any different?

 

He heard the door hiss open and turned to see Kaidan and Ashley enter, saluting the Captain. Once he'd made his way over to the new arrivals, they saluted him as well. “Congratulations, Commander,” Alenko said, holding out his hand to shake.

 

Kaidan – with his honey-brown eyes and all that thick hair that John just wanted to run his fingers through. And don't even get him started on that whiskey-smooth, smoky voice. Shepard had to stifle a shudder every time the man said two words to him. Every fiber of his being screamed that he was an idiot for even letting his thoughts dwell on the lieutenant, but that didn't keep him from holding the man's hand just a fraction of a second too long, allowing himself to memorize the calloused patterns mapped out on his palm. If the lieutenant noticed, he didn't let on, and Shepard released his hand.

 

Williams offered hers too, and he shook it as well, letting it fall away without another thought. The look in her eyes was something that made him uncomfortable. He didn't quite know what the look meant – lust probably. It could have been awe or even respect, but there was something just a little too primal for him to fully believe that. His focus shifted to Anderson.

 

The Captain's words rocked him to his core, forcing out any other distracting thoughts he'd been having. “I'm stepping down from command of the Normandy, Shepard. The ship is yours now, son!”

 

“Sir?”

 

“You need a ship and a crew to stop Saren, to do the Council's bidding. The Alliance knew that this was a possible eventuality. Congratulations!”

 

He knew his face must have been a comical mask of astonishment, and he tried to recover quickly. “Thank you, Sir!” He offered a salute. One that was returned before another hand to shake was proffered. He took this one as well, this time feeling a pride that he'd never felt before. Being named a Spectre was just a title, one that carried an important weight, sure. But command of his own ship? Somehow it just felt like he had … arrived. This was what he had wanted from the moment he'd set foot on his first Alliance base.

 

“Alright, it will take some time to get everything set up. It's late. Why don't you kids take the rest of the night off? Meet back here at 0800,” Anderson stated, and they knew it to be a dismissal. The three marines saluted then found themselves outside the Ambassador's door.

 

“How about a drink on me to celebrate?” Shepard asked.

 

“The first round's on me, Commander,” Kaidan insisted as the trio entered the Embassy Lounge.

 

Shepard preferred places like this. Quiet atmosphere, perfect for conversation. Not that he minded clubs and dancing, per se, but give him a glass of scotch and somebody worth talking to, and he'd take that any day of the week. The truth was that he was a somewhat shy person, at least until he got to know people. So many people thought the Commander and the man were one in the same. In fact, it had been entirely too long since he'd let anyone close enough to realize that they were two different people.

 

They approached the bar, and Shepard ordered a scotch on the rocks, Kaidan a whiskey and water, and Ashley some fruity thing with an umbrella in it. Clinking their glasses together, Kaidan offered a toast to the Commander – First Human Spectre. Shepard blushed, and they went to a nearby table to sit, falling into a silent reverie. Ashley was the one to break the silence, “How does it feel, Sir? To know that you have achieved something no other human has been able to do?”

 

“It's... humbling, honestly,” he said, rubbing sweaty palms on his pants legs. “I'm still in a state of shock to tell the truth.” He sipped his scotch, the pleasant burn warming him from the inside out. The conversation fell into a comfortable rhythm with Ash and Kaidan telling him all about their training and sharing a few battle stories. Eventually Ashley decided that she wanted to go check out the club scene, mentioning that she had a tinfoil mini skirt and thigh-high boots if the Commander was interested in seeing her in them later. Shepard blushed again when Kaidan told her that would do. “I appreciate the thought, Chief, but... uh...”

 

“Okay, well, I'll see you at 0800... Unless you change your mind!” She winked at him and walked away. His gaze followed her swaying behind out the door before turning back to find a pair of amber eyes boring into him. Shepard sucked in a tiny breath at the look Kaidan was giving him but quickly averted his eyes, taking another sip of his drink.

 

“The Chief is a beautiful woman,” Kaidan said.

 

Shepard merely grunted in the affirmative. It was still difficult being a gay soldier. Though gays weren't outright shunned anymore as had once been the case, still, there was a stigma. There was always a suspicion under the surface. He had had a few brief love affairs, but mostly he just didn't want to put forth the effort of finding out if a person was being genuine with him. He'd suffered enough embarrassing episodes of hitting on a guy only to be called a derogatory name and cursed or spit at. Better to just be alone than to keep putting himself in that position.

 

“Though I get the feeling that sort of thing doesn't interest you,” Kaidan continued.

 

Shepard looked at him then, his stare probably harder than he meant for it to be. “And what would 'that sort of thing' be?”

 

“Women.”

 

Shepard blushed... again. “No,” he said quietly, wondering what had given him away.

 

“It's cool with me, Commander. You don't have to be ashamed.”

 

“I'm not,” he said with conviction. “It's just...” He drained his glass and stood abruptly, heading to the bar to order another. Returning to the table with two glasses in hand, he set one down in front of Kaidan and sat himself back down in his chair. “People don't want a guy like me to be gay, Kaidan. They think it's less... manly, or something equally fucked up. It's not as simple as not being ashamed.”

 

“I know.”

 

Shepard's eyes jerked to his, and Kaidan saw the question in them.

 

“I'm bi,” was all he said.

 

Shepard nodded, a look of relief across his face. It wasn't quite the same, but close enough. They let the silence stretch – comfortable. “Do you ever look at your life and wonder how the hell you got to where you are?” Shepard asked after a time.

 

“Sure,” Kaidan shrugged.

 

“I've been doing that all day,” he admitted. “Replaying the steps that led me here, to this very moment in time.” His thumb swiped at the beads of condensation rolling down the outside of his glass. His head was already starting to feel fuzzy from the effects of the alcohol. He knew the feeling wouldn't last. Biotics rarely were able to maintain a feeling of being drunk. Their metabolism was just too high. Sometimes though, he really wanted it to last. He imagined letting himself become intoxicated enough to take Kaidan to a room in the hotel upstairs. He wanted to be in a place where his own self-doubt gave way to his lust and desire, and he allowed himself just that one moment of reprieve that was only found in the arms of another. Looking at Kaidan, he got the feeling that the lieutenant's thoughts might be running the same course, but he knew better than to go there, to allow himself that little luxury. “My upbringing was... unconventional to say the least,” he said instead, trying to force his thoughts away from the yearning in the pit of his gut.

 

“Tell me about it,” Kaidan said, genuinely interested.

 

_Johnny's very first memory was of a wrinkled face and a toothless smile. Raina had been a senior member of the Reds, once upon a time. Now she was too old to be useful, but even Big Tommy had a soft spot when it came to the old woman. He kept her around, fed her addiction, and allowed her to bring in strays like John from time to time. Kids raised by Raina tended to grow up to be grateful, loyal members of the Reds, willing to serve when they came of age._

 

_The story went that Raina had been out late one night when she spotted a scared looking girl – the poor thing couldn't have been more than fourteen or fifteen – clutching a baby to her chest. The girl looked around wildly, trying to be sure she was unseen. With a kiss and a sob, she laid the baby into a box on the steps of the hospital and scampered off into the night. Raina had taken the box, baby and all, back to the hideout, and raised him as best she could._

 

_Home was a dark hole in the back of a warehouse that smelled of urine and rodent dung. He slept on a pile of cardboard and rags fished out of a dumpster, wearing clothes from the same source. He stayed filthy and hungry, and Raina stayed strung out most of the time. When she was sober though, she was very tender and affectionate with him. She was the only mother he had ever known._

 

_When he was ten, she had given him his birth certificate, which had been left in the box with him. His mother's name was listed as Hannah Shepard. No father was mentioned._

 

_Raina died a week later._

 

_Raina had taught him to read and write and figure numbers. Johnny had done the rest on his own at the library. By the time she died, he was already smart enough to be a help to Big Tommy. He couldn't help but think that Raina had meant it to be that way. If he wasn't useful, he would be turned out of the gang, or worse. From the age of ten, he began learning the ins and outs of managing the gang. By the time he was seventeen, he was Big Tommy's number one enforcer, but by then he knew that wasn't the life he wanted. A chance meeting with an Alliance recruiter had changed everything in the blink of an eye._

 

Kaidan's eyes were wide with wonder. He would never in a million years have guessed that the Hero of Elysium, the First Human Spectre had risen from such humble beginnings. “I've never told that to anyone,” Shepard confessed, eyes downcast.

 

This night was supposed to be a celebration of Shepard's promotion and achievement, but it had quickly dissolved into melancholic reflection. Kaidan was at a loss as to how to redeem the time. It wasn't as if he was lighting up any parties. In fact, his personality seemed to mesh with the Commander's very well. Too well, actually. Not for the first time since they had sat down at this table did Kaidan wish that they had met under completely different circumstances. “That's... I don't know what to say, Shepard, to be honest. It does explain a lot, though.”

 

“How so?”

 

Kaidan was lost in a sea of sparkling blue for a moment. “Your quiet demeanor. Your competence. Hell, you practically raised yourself, taught yourself everything you know. Meeting the recruiter may have been a fluke, but everything else you have achieved has been the result of dedication and a hell of a lot of hard work. To tell you the truth, you're even more impressive to me now, though I didn't think that would be possible.”

 

Shepard laughed. “I guess it _is_ my job to inspire!”

 

Kaidan laughed, too. “This was meant to be a celebration,” he said.

 

“This is how I celebrate,” Shepard said wryly, huffing another laugh. Kaidan smiled at that, then allowed himself to get lost in those blue eyes once again. Shepard was the first to look away. “I, uh... I should probably go get some shut eye. It's going to be another long day tomorrow.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I think I'll head back with you if that's okay?”

 

“Sure thing, Alenko.”

 

The walk to the elevator was silent, each man lost in thought. For the rest of his life, Kaidan would never be able to say why he did it, but when the doors to the elevator closed, he grabbed Shepard by the collar and crushed him into the wall, lips meeting with bruising force. John grunted but opened to Kaidan's questing tongue immediately, hands coming up to cradle Kaidan's cheeks. The alcohol flowing through their veins, the slick, smooth feel of tongue sliding against tongue, petal-soft lips contrasted with the burn from the day's growth of beard that each man sported, all contributed to the heady feeling of an out of body experience. Shepard's hands slid down Kaidan's body, fisting into his shirt at the waist, pulling the older man closer. It wasn't until he heard Shepard's moan and felt his growing erection pressed against his hip that Kaidan came back to himself. He pulled away looking horrified.

 

“Commander! I...”

 

“It's okay, Kaidan,” Shepard said looking away, embarrassed. “I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry!”

 

Kaidan couldn't figure out for the life of him why Shepard was apologizing to _him_. “Commander... Shepard... It was completely my fault. I...”

 

“Don't give it another thought,” Shepard said, avoiding his eyes and stepping out of the elevator when the door opened. The Commander walked briskly to the ship, disappearing into the airlock.

 

Kaidan fell against the elevator wall, feeling like the biggest asshole in the world. The look of longing and despair in those incredible blue eyes when he broke the kiss would haunt him for the rest of his life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much love and thanks to everyone who has read, kudos-ed, and commented on this fic so far! It's like chocolate for my soul! :) I hope you'll continue enjoying this story. I just love these boys to pieces!
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the boys talk it out and Kaidan sees something he shouldn't.

“Lieutenant Alenko, report to the captain's quarters,” Shepard's voice sounded on the ship's comms. The Commander was standing opposite a table in the center of the room reading a datapad when Kaidan entered. He purposely avoided looking at the bed on the far wall.

 

“You needed to see me, Sir?”

 

Shepard set the datapad down and drew a ragged breath before locking eyes with the lieutenant. “About earlier. I... just wanted to say again that I'm sorry. I promise you that nothing of the sort will ever happen again. I'm your CO, and we just can't risk letting this,” he motioned between them, “turn into anything more than friendship.” Kaidan heard the words but saw the sorrow in the blue eyes as well. “I turned myself into Anderson for conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentleman. He will be contacting you soon to verify my accounts of the incident. Just be honest with him, Lieutenant. If I did anything that made you feel... uncomfortable, you need to tell him. I will receive a disciplinary mark on my record, but you will be able to request transfer if you desire.”

 

Kaidan's head was spinning. Shepard was sacrificing himself, his career, _for him?_ “Permission to speak freely, Sir?”

 

“Granted.”

 

“Shepard... you don't have to do this. I... It was totally my fault! I was the one who kissed you. I should be the one apologizing and turning myself into Anderson.” He took a step forward, but Shepard retreated, blue eyes silently pleading with Kaidan not to press in any further. “I'm just sorry that... I feel like I've hurt you, and that makes me more sorry than anything.”

 

Shepard sighed. “You were right to stop it Kaidan. I'm only ashamed that I didn't have the strength to do it myself. If you wanted to request transfer, I wouldn't blame you.”

 

“I would like to stay here, Sir. I promise never to,” he swallowed. “I won't let anything like this happen again, Sir.”

 

“Just answer Anderson honestly. Don't let my status affect your responses, okay?”

 

“I would never do that.”

 

“I believe you. Again, I'm sorry. It won't happen again.”

 

Those blue – hopelessly blue – eyes. Kaidan saw the fear and shame, the sadness in them, and it broke his heart. How could he have been such an idiot? Though he barely knew him, he'd already come to admire Shepard immensely. Now, any hope – however far fetched it might have been – that they could some day be more than Commander and subordinate was dashed out the window because of one stupid moment of uncontrolled passion.

 

“You have nothing to be sorry for... John.” Something seemed to fracture inside those blue eyes – a foundational crack that left them glittering with sorrow, and Kaidan cursed himself silently. Hurt upon hurt.

 

Kaidan didn't know what the hell had come over him tonight. It wasn't like he'd had enough to drink to be this brash. He was always the by the rules, by the book guy. He wasn't the one who took chances... made the first move... kissed his goddamned CO. That wasn't him, and now, seeing Shepard closing in on himself had him wanting to tear his own hair out. This was not the way to start a new tour. He had to get the hell out of this room before he said or did anything else he'd regret. As it was, he was nearly ready to throw himself out the airlock.

 

Shepard finally nodded and picked up the datapad in front of him. “You're dismissed, Lieutenant.”

 

**

 

The door hissed closed behind Kaidan, and Shepard slumped into the nearest chair, with his head in his hands, digging his palms into his eyes painfully, just so he could feel something other than the numbness in his chest. Kaidan had no way of knowing how everything that had happened between them felt like it preyed upon his every weakness. He knew it wasn't intentional. He had always been alone. Now that he had reached the probable pinnacle of his career, he was doomed to a life alone. It stung bitterly.

 

Was it too much to ask to be loved by someone? He had never known that feeling, never been able to lose himself to someone that he trusted implicitly, never been able to share his heart with another. For a fleeting moment, he felt that he could have had that with Kaidan. If circumstances had been different. Of course, that could be said about the entirety of his life. _If circumstances had been different._ It would probably be the epitaph on his headstone.

 

He rarely allowed himself moments of self pity, but for some reason, tonight he felt entitled. Grabbing his things, he exited the cabin and made for the bathroom. Under the hot spray of water, he felt his body relax somewhat. He laughed to himself at his own stupidity for opening up to Kaidan the way he had in the first place. Hell, the kiss had probably been more out of pity than any genuine interest in the lieutenant's part. Not that it mattered, because he was not – under any circumstance – going to allow himself to fall for Kaidan. He was, however, going to allow himself one small indulgence – just for tonight.

 

Grabbing the bar of soap that he used to wash himself from head to toe, he started with his scalp, fingernails scratching some of the stress away. Resting his forehead against the wall, he continued down his arms and chest and abdomen. With a shudder, he allowed his hands to drift lower, threading lightly through the thick curls between his legs. Tentative fingers feathered along his rapidly hardening length, and closing his eyes, he imagined honey-brown eyes staring up at him and plump lips engulfing him. A whispered curse escaped his lips, as his hand slid up and down his cock, soap sudsing into a frothy foam around him.

 

He worked with slow, purposeful strokes, letting his fingers glide along the head, spreading the beaded drop of pre-come around the tip before, gripping tightly and thrusting into his fist. His free hand came down to cup his balls, alternating between rolling them in his palm and tugging gently on them. All the while the image of a certain dark-haired lieutenant flooded his brain, frazzling the ends of his nerves, of his resistance.

 

An uncontrolled burst of blue washed over his body as he broke with another curse. Leaning against the shower wall, he panted, trying to catch his breath. Once he'd recovered, he finished washing quickly – trying to silence that voice in his head that told him this was the way it would always be.

 

**

 

Kaidan had answered all of Anderson's questions, confessing that it was he, and not Shepard, who had instigated the... incident. After a sound tongue lashing, Anderson agreed not to report it. The last thing Shepard needed right now was a scandal involving one of his crew. Anderson also informed him that if anything of the kind happened again he would be relegated to desk jockey for the rest of his career. By the time he was done with the Captain, he felt the beginnings of a headache. Hoping beyond hope that it was of the garden variety and not a migraine, he grabbed his things and headed to the shower.

 

One of the showers was already occupied when he arrived. From the sounds of it, the occupant was taking care of things. Kaidan was used to such on a ship. It was just one of the things you became accustomed to. Everyone did it at some point. That was just how it was. He stopped dead in his tracks as the blue flare of biotics lit the room. There was only one other human biotic on this ship. His mind raced. Should he leave before Shepard saw him? He didn't want to humiliate the man further. Biotic amps sometimes responded to emotional response or stimuli. It was something the user couldn't control. Kaidan felt a little sick to his stomach. He wasn't meant to see that, but now that he had, he couldn't help but wonder what thoughts had been going through the Commander's mind at the time.

 

Giving himself a mental shake, he stepped into the shower stall beside Shepard's and began washing as quickly as possible. He'd hoped for a relaxing shower, but now all he could think of was washing and getting to bed. Turning off the water, he grabbed his towel to wrap around his waist, stepping out of the shower at the exact same moment as Shepard.

 

Their eyes locked – blue on brown – and for a moment, the tension in the room was palpable. But then Shepard laughed and shook his head. “This is ridiculous, huh?” He said, crossing his arms over his still wet chest and leaning back on one foot.

 

“Yeah,” Kaidan said, giving the Commander a small smile. “I, uh, talked to Anderson,” he confessed. Shepard didn't even bother tensing up, just looked at the lieutenant expectantly. “Everything is fine. No action to be taken.”

 

Shepard nodded, and if he was relieved, he didn't show it. His face was a mask of stone now as he grabbed a second towel and began to dry off. Kaidan tried not to notice how his muscles rippled under his skin as he worked the towel over his back. But he did notice. He also noticed the plethora of tattoos and freckles that dotted the Commander's chest and back. There was an “N7” on his upper right arm. On the back of his left shoulder was a large, red triangle with “10th” in the center. A gang symbol if he had to guess. There were others, too – dates, numbers, a heart on his left breast, symbols of various kinds that held no meaning for Kaidan, but must have meant something to Shepard. He was disappointed when the Commander pulled a gray Alliance t-shirt over his head, covering all that beautiful expanse of skin. He slipped into a pair of navy sweat pants next, sliding them under the towel around his waist, making sure he was covered before discarding the towel.

 

“You done staring at me now, LT, or would you like me to strip and start over?”

 

Shepard's words caught him off guard, and he realized that all this time he'd just been standing there gaping, still wrapped in his own towel, still dripping wet. His face reddened, but Shepard laughed again, “Gotta be able to laugh at ourselves, right?” For the first time since the elevator debacle, Kaidan saw a smile reach the Commander's eyes. He couldn't help responding in kind. A weight lifted from his chest, and he felt that things would be alright between them. He dried and dressed as quickly as possible, stealing glances at the Commander as he brushed his teeth.

 

“Good night, LT,” he said on his way out the door.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a million for all the comments and kudos! I'm so overwhelmed! Kind of a short chapter today, but I'll be posting the next chapter on Thursday or Friday. Thanks for reading, and I hope you continue to enjoy! 
> 
> Find me on tumblr: https://ellebeedarling.tumblr.com/
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard makes a confession, and Kaidan comes to a realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda broke my own heart with this chapter - tissue warnings may apply. In other words, have a healthy helping of angst with your breakfast. Enjoy!
> 
> Trigger Warnings: mentions of child abuse and neglect.

Life aboard the Normandy began to flow into a certain rhythm despite the fact that they were racing against time to keep the galaxy from being destroyed by sentient machines. Shepard seemed to take it all in stride, bearing the weight of the responsibility of the task as well of the crew upon his broad shoulders with the quiet confidence that they'd all come to hold synonymous with the name Commander Shepard.

 

Things between Shepard and Kaidan had reached a comfortable place. Gone was the over arching sexual tension between them, and they had actually started to develop a deep friendship. That didn't mean that both of them weren't still spending plenty of time alone with their fists and visions of each other, but it was workable. Kaidan was thankful that they had been able to move past the kiss in the elevator, and he was also glad that, if they never had anything else, he would at least always have the memory of that kiss – the alcohol-sweet taste of Shepard's tongue in his mouth, the burn of stubble on his lips, the grip of battle-roughened hands on his face, even the tantalizing press of a hardened cock against his hip. That memory often fueled the fire of his lust as he pleasured himself in the shower. He wondered if it did the same for Shepard, and sometimes those blue eyes held a look that told him beyond a doubt that it did.

 

He had been afraid that Shepard would want to keep his distance, but the Commander did his best to utilize everyone's unique talents. The only team member that didn't quite get as much ground time as everyone else was Liara, and Kaidan suspected that was because the Commander was a biotic. Her talents weren't as necessary to him on the ground as the tech abilities of Tali and himself, or the snipers, Garrus and Ashley. Wrex was just a killing machine, plain and simple. When Shepard needed a lot of guys dead, Wrex was on the team.

 

Kaidan loved watching Shepard on the battlefield. His movements were a choreographed dance of grace and poise, death and destruction. It was breathtaking to behold. Though he relied mainly on his biotics, the heavily modded pistol he carried made him as deadly as Garrus with his bulky sniper rifle. Kaidan had never seen a pistol so accurate or so powerful. More than one head had exploded in a shower of blood and gore when a bullet from that pistol impacted. More often than not, he could move to the front of the group, lifting enemies out of cover with his biotics then taking them out with the pistol before the rest of team had even had a chance to catch up. But Shepard knew how to play to the strengths of his crew. It was part of that inborn leadership ability that Kaidan had noticed on day one.

 

They stayed on Feros for several days, offering aid to the colonists until Exo-geni could arrive with more supplies. Dr. Chakwas and Liara stayed busy treating the infected colonists who were malnourished and dehydrated after their ordeal with the Thorian. Juliana and Lizbeth Baynum had taken over leadership of the colony, and the Commander had put Kaidan in charge of helping them get their comms and other tech in working order. Shepard, himself, offloaded boxes and boxes of foodstuffs and tech equipment to help get the colony operational again. More than once Kaidan caught sight of the Commander offering a word of encouragement and a bowl of food to a fearful colonist. He would sit with first one and then another, smiling and chatting and putting people at ease.

 

It was well past dark when Kaidan stopped working. He grabbed a couple of bowls of food, one for himself and one for the Commander, and went in search of Shepard. He found him out on the balcony where the geth dropship had been offloading troops when they'd first arrived. Deactivated and destroyed geth corpses still littered the ground around him. Hopefully the colonists would be able to find some use for them rather than just having to dispose of them. He made a mental note to talk to Tali in the morning about salvaging any parts that could be used for something else.

 

Shepard sat on the ground with his back against a low wall, arms resting on his knees and staring out at the night sky. He started when Kaidan thrust the bowl of food in front of him. “Eat. I know you've been working hard today. You look tired.” The Commander offered a smile of thanks before taking a bite, chewing contemplatively. “What are you doing out here?”

 

“Thinking.”

 

“Uh-oh! I sense trouble!”

 

Shepard looked at him and laughed. “Come on. I'm not that bad!”

 

They fell into that comfortable silence that Kaidan had come to associate with his relationship with the Commander, just chewing their food and watching the stars. There had never been anyone else he could feel so comfortable just sitting with. He bit back a sigh. “What are you thinking about,” he asked at last.

 

“My childhood.”

 

“Want to talk about it?”

 

Shepard sighed and ran a hand over his head before finishing his food and setting his bowl on the ground beside him

 

_Big Tommy had a way of pushing all of Johnny's buttons. Any time he tried to make a new suggestion about how the gang was operated, Big Tommy would hurl insults at him, sometimes he would hurl fists. Deep down Johnny knew it was because he was right, and Big Tommy didn't want to admit that a kid knew more than he did. Many nights when he couldn't take any more of the abuse, he would climb to the top of the tallest building on Tenth St., and just sit under the stars. Often his lips or nose were bleeding, but he didn't care. Wiping the blood on his shirt sleeve, he would lay back with his hands behind his head and stare up into the night sky, tracing the constellations that he'd learned about in the books at the library. At times he could see the winking lights of the satellites and space stations orbiting Earth. He'd wonder if the people aboard those stations had real families, full bellies, clean clothes. Those things seemed like the greatest treasures in the world to John Shepard. The only reason to care anything at all about money was in order to possess those things._

 

_After Raina's death, most of his nights were spent sleeping on the roof under those stars, even in the rain. He just couldn't bring himself to go back into the filthy hovel he and Raina had called home. Big Tommy and some of the others had nice rooms with big comfortable beds, clothes, jewelry, weapons, women, in short, whatever they wanted, while the regular rank and file scraped and scrounged, giving most of what they found to Big Tommy, only daring to keep enough for themselves to buy a hot meal every once in a while._

 

_The last night he'd spent on a roof on Earth was the night before he started boot camp._

 

_Corporal Field's and his wife had taken him in those last two weeks before his birthday. He'd probably gained twenty pounds in that two weeks, and his wiry frame had needed it. He'd been a skeleton with skin stretched over it when he'd shown up on their doorstep. That night, he'd taken his first shower ever, and the Corporal had given him a clean change of clothes. It was also the first time he'd slept in a real bed. It had been like heaven, and he remembered rolling around in the big bed, relishing the smell and feel of clean sheets on his clean skin. It was the first time in his life he'd gone to sleep clean, warm, dry, and full._

 

_For the next two weeks, the Corporal drilled him to see what kind of education he'd had. Field's had been surprised to find that the boy was extremely intelligent and well spoken. It had been the Corporal's suggestion that he go for officer training from the start, and John had been so awed that anyone would think him capable that he agreed on the spot. Whatever the Corporal wanted from him, he would do. It was the only way he could think of to repay the man's kindness._

 

_On his eighteenth birthday, Mrs. Fields had cooked a special dinner – steaks and baked potatoes, and even baked him a birthday cake. So many firsts in his life occurred during that brief two weeks. The Corporal had taken him that afternoon to enlist, and he'd passed the entrance exams with flying colors, earning some of the highest marks they had ever seen. They'd celebrated with the meal and the cake, and the Fields' then gave him a package containing two brand new sets of clothes, a pack of socks and underwear, a full set of toiletries, including toothbrush, razor, soap, etc, and a new pair of shoes. He had cried, hugging them both and thanking them for their kindness._

 

_That night, he'd gone out on the roof to sleep under the stars both knowing and hoping that it would be the last time he would have to do this to survive. He'd left for boot camp the next day._

 

Shepard ran a tired hand over his face. He was bone weary, and memories like this seemed to sap any residual strength from him. He wondered if there would ever come a day when he could bury the pain of his childhood. Once more he longed for something or someone to share that burden with. He chanced a glance a Kaidan, who was watching him with quiet reverence. His inability to come up with a response was clearly evident on his face. “It's fucked up, huh?” Shepard asked, before his blue eyes turned back to the starry expanse in front of them.

 

“Yeah it is, Shepard,” Kaidan admitted. The Commander's small smile told him it was enough, that he didn't need to try to come up with any platitudes or words of comfort, so he remained silent.

 

“Tell me about your childhood,” Shepard said.

 

“I don't...” Kaidan trailed off. Guilt washing over him in waves.   
  


“I don't begrudge you having a happy childhood, Alenko,” Shepard laughed. “I'm glad to know that not every story is like mine. That there are people in the world who have known love. Whose first real joy in life was more than a hot shower and a pair of clean drawers.” His laugh turned slightly bitter.

 

“You've never known love?” Kaidan asked, breathless.

 

“Who would love me?” Shepard asked, sounding small, blue eyes focused in the distance.

 

_I do._ It's what he wanted to say because he finally understood it to be true. The realization of that truth hit him right between the eyes, making him see stars for a moment. “What about Raina? Don't you think she loved you?” He asked instead.

 

“I guess. As much as an old drug addict can love anyone, I suppose. Still, if she's the only one, she's been gone more than half of my life, and... Shit! I'm sorry! I get like this sometimes.” He looked away, but not before Kaidan saw the moisture glistening in those blue eyes. Swiping roughly with the backs of his hands, he removed any trace of tears before they could fall, then stood, stretching. Kaidan took the opportunity to enjoy the glimpse of taut muscle on the Commander's exposed midriff as his shirt rose with the movement.

 

“I'm gonna hit the sack,” Shepard announced. “Thanks for the grub.”

 

And then he was gone, and Kaidan was left alone to carry a sorrow that was not his own.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and comments! They mean the world to me. Keep 'em coming! :)
> 
> Find me on tumblr: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard gets jealous and then gets drunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day early. This chapter is dialogue heavy, but it's possibly my favorite chapter in the whole story. 
> 
> I don't think there are any trigger warnings here, just some fluffy, fluff with the eensiest bit of plot. Enjoy!

During their next shore leave on the Citadel, Shepard had taken off to handle a few issues the Council had asked him to take care of, leaving the crew to their own devices. In the midst of resupplying the ship, buying weapons and armor upgrades, running errands for the Alliance and the Council, it was becoming painfully obvious that the Commander wasn't going to have any shore leave to speak of. Kaidan wished that he had offered to go with Shepard, but he hadn't. How he had let Joker and Garrus talk him into going to Chora's Den, he would never know, but he was sipping his whiskey and water and feeling guilty for some reason that he couldn't explain, when he saw Shepard walk in.

 

The Commander locked eyes with him, a brief look of hurt and confusion giving way to a steel determination as he glanced away to scan the room, and spotted a turian leaned against the wall enjoying the scenery. Turning his back to Kaidan, Shepard went to speak to the turian. Kaidan couldn't hope to hear over the noise of the club, but he could tell the conversation was becoming more and more animated. Finally, Shepard ran a clearly frustrated hand over the short stubble of hair on his head, exhaling all his air in a huff, before shaking hands with the turian and heading for the exit.

 

Downing his drink, Kaidan paid his tab and ran after him. “What's up, Shepard?” He asked, out of breath, when he caught up with the Commander.

 

“It's nothing,” Shepard bit out.

 

“It didn't look like nothing.”

 

The younger man stopped almost causing Kaidan to crash right into his back, then spun around to face him. His crystal blue eyes were dark with a rage that was usually reserved for the battlefield, and he poked a hard finger into Kaidan's chest. “I said it's nothing. I can handle my own problems, Alenko. Go back and enjoy your drinks and _dancing_!” The last was spit out as if it was a poison on his tongue. Without another word, the Commander spun on his heel and stalked off.

 

Kaidan followed.

 

“Shepard! Commander? Can you just wait a fucking minute?”

 

Shepard stopped again so abruptly that Kaidan did run into him this time. The Commander grabbed his shoulders and pulled him against his body roughly, pressing a blistering kiss to his lips. Kaidan returned the kiss with all the passion he'd been trying to hide for the past month or more since this whirlwind of a man had first stormed into his life, wrapping his arms around Shepard's waist and holding him tight. John's hands slid up to grip the sides of Kaidan's head, thumbs scrubbing rough along his jawline, and the older man was lost, ruined for any lips but these for the rest of his life. As suddenly as it has begun, the kiss was over, and Shepard pressed his forehead against Kaidan's. They stood for several minutes like that – hands clinging desperately to each other, breathing the same air.

 

“Fuck! I can't do this,” Shepard whispered, blue eyes shuttering closed. “It was one thing when we were on the ship and I could cling to some screwed up illusion that no one else could have you, but here... seeing... I just can't! Can't stand the thought of someone else's lips on yours, of you... _lusting_ after someone else.” His lips claimed Kaidan's again, tender this time, searching, pleading, asking for something that they both knew they couldn't have.

 

“Shepard,” Kaidan breathed when they broke the kiss again. “I don't want anyone else. I... this was Joker's and Garrus' idea. I was just tagging along. I'm not...” He didn't finish. His mouth was once more invaded by the Commander's. The desperation gave way to raw heat, a carnal growl issuing from deep in Shepard's chest. John's teeth grazed Kaidan's bottom lip before he moved lower, kissing a stubbly chin and nibbling his way up the man's jaw.

 

“I'm sorry,” Shepard whispered, when his lips had reached Kaidan's ear. Without warning, he released his hold on the lieutenant and walked away.

 

**

 

Kaidan made it back to the ship several hours later. His mind was a jumbled swirl of tangled emotions. All he wanted was to go to bed and try to sleep off this horrible feeling twisting in his gut. No! What he really wanted was to march into the captain's quarters and fuck the Commander senseless, but that wasn't really an option, so he supposed he would have to settle for the former.

 

Seeing that Joker was in the cockpit already, he tried to sneak past, not in the mood to deal with the pilot's wise cracks at the moment. Of course, Joker wasn't about to let that happen. “What's up with the Commander? You two have a lover's spat or something?”

 

Kaidan was pretty sure he blanched, but maybe the lights were low enough that Joker hadn't noticed. “We're not lovers, Joker, and I don't know where Shepard is.” He was proud of the fact that he'd managed to keep his voice even.

 

“Alright, whatever you say,” the pilot waved his hands in surrender. “As for the Commander, he's probably passed out in his cabin by now. He stumbled in here an hour or so ago, so drunk he could barely walk. I'm impressed. I thought you biotics couldn't get drunk. He must have had a shitload tonight.”

 

“The Commander is entitled to some shore leave, too.”

 

“Yeah, but I'm not looking forward to dealing with his hangover in the morning!”

 

Kaidan just shook his head, “Good night, Joker.”

 

Shepard had had a shitty life up until this point, and Kaidan couldn't shake the feeling that he had made it infinitely worse. When he reached, the crew deck, he saw that the Commander's door was unlocked. He must have been really drunk to stumble in and pass out without even locking the door. Scanning the deck, he observed that it was empty for once. Most of the crew were probably still out enjoying their shore leave, or already in bed. Steeling his nerves, Kaidan stepped into the darkened room. A lamp on the desk cast its light on the sleeping form of Commander John Shepard. The lieutenant sucked in a sharp breath, realizing that Shepard was completely naked, lying on top of the covers, face smooshed into his pillow, one knee jutted out at an angle. If Kaidan thought the man had a great ass in pants, he was wrecked now by the sight of that same great ass, bare naked.

 

He should have left, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it yet. Part of him wished that he believed in God, like Ash. If he did, he would pray to that God right now and ask him to make a way for them to be together. Instead, he tiptoed toward the bed, cautiously sitting on the edge by the Commander's head. A single finger traced the scar that bit into his hairline. He wondered what had caused it. Could it be a leftover from his gang days, or was it from a battle? Fingers moved lower, tracing the sharp angle of Shepard's strong jaw line. Down they traveled, over the red, triangular tattoo on his shoulder, over the tally marks on the side of his rib cage.   
  


“Those are for gang kills,” Shepard said, and Kaidan nearly jumped out of his skin. John steadied him with a strong hand on his thigh. “It's okay,” he mumbled more to the pillow than to Kaidan. His thumb began to stroke small circles on the thigh it held, and he let out a pleased sounding hum.

 

“Shepard, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come in here.”

 

“S'okay,” he mumbled again. “I'm drunk. Probably won't remember anyway.”

 

The lieutenant chuckled at that, running his hand over the Commander's stubbly head. “How did you get that scar on your head?”

 

“Knife fight. I won. It's the fourth tally mark.”

 

“Really?” Kaidan didn't know why he was surprised. How many kills had he personally witnessed the man make? Fingers ghosted over the tally marks again, surprised by how many there were – all kills he'd made before he was even eighteen years old. _What I wouldn't do to give you the life you deserve, John._

 

“Yeah.”

 

Kaidan swallowed. “Why do you have a heart tattooed on your chest?”

 

“You can't see that.”

 

“I've seen it before.”

 

“When you were checking me out in the bathroom?”

 

The older man laughed, “Yeah, then.”

 

“Should have come in the shower with me.”

 

“That would have been... nice.”

 

“Better than nice.”

 

“I'm sure you're right.”

 

“I want you, Kaidan, but...”

 

“I know.”

 

“They're going to expose me.”

 

“Who?”

 

“The Reds. Big Tommy. He sent a man to force me to do his bidding. Thought a Spectre in his pocket would strengthen the gang.”

 

“When did this happen?”

 

“S'why I was at Chora's Den.”

 

“Why the hell didn't you say something?” Kaidan asked, irritated.

 

“Was too busy kissing you. Did you already forget?”

 

A laugh bubbled out, frustration dissolving in a moment, and his voice turned soft – thoughtful and wishful. “No, Shepard. I'll never forget that.”

 

Bleary, blue eyes peered up at him – drunken eyes full of longing. “Me neither.” Shepard reached a finger up and traced the lieutenant's lips before collapsing back onto the bed.

 

“How much did you drink, anyway?”

 

The same finger that traced Kaidan's lips now indicated the half empty bottle of bourbon on the night stand.

 

“That's it?”

 

“No. That wasn't the first bottle.”

 

“Jesus, Shepard! Are you trying to kill yourself?”

 

“No. Was trying to get drunk.”

 

“Well it worked,” Kaidan said dryly.

 

John smiled up at him, dopey and half asleep, and Kaidan's heart melted.

 

“What are you going to do about the Reds?”

 

“Probably kill Finch. Maybe Big Tommy, too.”

 

“Do you have to?”

 

“S'what I do isn't it? If I can't talk it down, I kill it. I tried talking him down.”

 

“Yeah, I suppose.”

 

“You don't approve?”

 

“You have to do what you have to, Shepard. No one can make this decision but you.”

 

“But?”

 

“But... killing someone for revenge... well, it doesn't necessarily bring the peace you think it will.”

 

“You think I don't know that already? There will never be any peace for me... for the things I've done.”

 

Kaidan was silent for awhile, hand still softly stroking over the velveteen fuzz on the Commander's head.

 

Shepard heaved a sigh – frayed and fragmented at the edges. His thumb still moved across Kaidan's thigh, drawing an elliptical pattern. “I'm fucked up, Kaidan. Damaged goods. Killing is the only thing I'm good at. My career is the only thing I have worth living for, and I've been trying my damnedest to screw that up ever since I met you. I would ask Anderson to transfer you out from under my command, but... I don't know how to live without you.” His voice was thick with raw emotion, and he gripped the lieutenant's thigh a little tighter.

 

“I'm not going anywhere, Shepard. Don't you dare fucking talk to Anderson. I'll kick your ass!”

 

“Okay,” he said with that same sleepy smile from before.

 

“Why don't you get some sleep, and I'll help you deal with Finch tomorrow? Everything else, this... you and me. We can wait. Try to figure it out later, okay?”

 

“Stay with me?”

 

“Shepard-”

 

“Please?”

 

This was a really bad idea. Possibly the worst idea Shepard had ever had, but no worse than Kaidan entertaining it. Watching John now – eyes closed and body braced against the rejection he knew was coming – he just didn't have the heart to say no. “Alright, but... you have to put some pants on first. There's no way I can lay here with your naked body all night and not... you know... _do_ something.”

 

“In that case, are you sure I should put pants on?”

 

“Absolutely,” Kaidan told him on a laugh. “Where are your sweat pants?”

 

“Drawer.”

 

The lieutenant rummaged through the drawers, trying not to think about his hands all over the Commander's _drawers_ , until he found the sweat pants. It took some finagling, but he managed to wrangle Shepard back into his clothes, his drunken body practically dead weight. The irony was not lost on him that it was the exact opposite of what he really wanted to do, and he didn't want to admit how hard it was not to ogle. While he had Shepard sitting on the side of the bed, he turned the covers down. John laid back on the pillows, and Kaidan slid in behind him, pulling the sheet up over them, then wrapping his arms around the Commander and pressing a soft kiss to the back of his neck.

 

“Good night, John.”

 

A soft snore was all the reply he got.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The comments and kudos are so welcome and appreciated! You guys are the absolute best!! 
> 
> Find me on tumblr: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan has some explaining to do, and decisions are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, this chapter is just ridiculous. I have no excuses.

The Commander was still snoring at 0400 when Kaidan tiptoed out of the room. There was no way he wanted any of the crew seeing him coming out of the captain's quarters in the morning. They hadn't even had sex. He couldn't see getting rumors going for no reason. Of course, like everything else in his life, his plans went to shit. Joker and Garrus were sitting at a table in the mess, eyeing him with smug expressions.

 

“Not lovers... riiiiight...” Joker said, rolling his eyes.

 

Kaidan cursed under his breath and sat down beside the turian. “It's... it's not what you think, okay?”

 

“So tell us what it is,” Garrus said, mandibles flaring in what could have been a smile.

 

“Complicated,” Kaidan replied letting his head drop onto the table. He couldn't believe this was really happening to him. Garrus might – _might_ – have been able to keep quiet about this, but with Joker in the know, it would be all over the ship by shift change in four hours. “We can't be together... no matter what we want.” He swallowed back the bile that rose in his throat.

 

“Why the hell not?” Joker asked.

 

“Ever heard of a little thing called 'regs'?” Kaidan asked. “He's my CO for God's sake!”

 

“Alenko,” Joker said, as if he were speaking to a dull child, “Shepard is a Spectre. They're not going to do a damn thing to him. And all he has to do is pull a few strings to keep you on the ship with him. It won't be a big deal. The whole damn ship already knows you two have the hots for each other.”

 

“They do?”

 

“Duh!”

 

Kaidan shook his head, trying to clear it. They were getting off track. “What your suggesting would be asking Shepard to abuse his authority. I'm not about to do that.”

 

“I don't want to hear about you _abusing_ the Commander's _anything_! Keep that shit behind closed doors! Besides, I'm pretty sure that you've already broken regs by, you know, shoving your tongue down his throat and spending the night in his cabin!”

 

“You... saw?”

 

“We didn't think you were trying to hide it, standing right out in the street outside Chora's Den and all,” Garrus interjected.

 

Kaidan groaned, feeling a headache coming on. “This fucking figures,” he said. “We've kissed exactly twice, and you two idiots have already found out. I swear nothing happened last night!”

 

“I think I counted at least three kisses last night,” Garrus said. “What do you think, Joker?”

 

“Well, if you count that time the Commander was trying to bite his face off, that could be four.”

 

“You guys are such assholes!” Kaidan let his head drop on the table again, repeatedly.

 

“So, wait... you're saying that wasn't the first time you two have kissed?” Joker's voice was teetering on the edge of glee.

 

“No,” Kaidan replied sulkily.

 

“But you haven't slept with him?”

 

“We slept – actually slept – last night. We haven't done anything more than that... like it's really any of your damn business. God, what's happening to my life?” He buried his hands in his face, sure that it couldn't get any worse... He was wrong. Before he could get away from his interrogators, Ashley popped around the corner and flopped down beside Joker.

 

“You're just getting in, Chief?” Garrus asked.

 

“Yeah!” She enthused. “Might have seen a little action last night,” she winked.

 

“You're not the only one,” Joker said pointing at Kaidan.

 

“No way! You and the Commander finally did the nasty? Was he amazing? I bet he was amazing!”

 

Kaidan blinked a few times then stared in disbelief at the Gunnery Chief. “I wouldn't know,” he said flatly.

 

“He _says_ they didn't, but let's look at the evidence,” Garrus drawled. “Exhibit A – the two suspects were seen making out outside of Chora's Den earlier in the evening. Exhibit B – Alenko was just spotted sneaking out of the Commander's bedroom about,” he checked his chrono, “twenty minutes ago. Exhibit C – he's already confessed to kissing the Commander at least once prior to tonight. How does the evidence line up to you, Chief?”

 

“Sounds like their banging to me,” she said much too loudly, in a voice that was much too chipper.

 

“You're going to wake the whole ship,” Kaidan hissed. “We are _not_ sleeping together!” He sighed. John's bottle of bourbon was sounding pretty good right about now. “Shepard is going through something personal right now. He needed a friend, okay? That's all.”

 

“He needed a friend to sleep in his room with him?” Ashley asked, voice dripping with sarcasm.

 

“Yes! That's all!” He rubbed his temples, trying to will the pressure away. “Please, can we just keep this to ourselves? Let me and Shepard figure out what's happening before you start spreading rumors all over the damn ship! Please!”

 

Abandoning his supposed friends, he headed to the bathroom, stripping out of his uncomfortable BDU's that he'd slept in all night. The smell of Shepard was still clinging to the fabric – an intoxicating mixture of woodsy soap, alliance laundry detergent, and Shepard's own unique musk. He tossed the dirty clothes in the laundry chute and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water wash away the stress and worry that were threatening to drown him.

 

If the whole ship already thought they were carrying on, then Kaidan seriously wondered if they shouldn't just go ahead and do it. But he had never done anything in his life without considering the consequences, and the consequences could be dire. John had worked too hard to get where he was to have that messed up by a scandalous love affair with a subordinate. Kaidan had worked his ass off, too. It wasn't fair to either of them to let this – whatever it was – screw that up. John deserved to be happy. He couldn't have that with Kaidan. There was just too much at stake. No matter what his own selfish desires were, there was no way in hell Kaidan would let Shepard sacrifice his career for him. Maybe he should talk to Anderson himself to request a transfer?

 

But he desperately wanted to be by John's side when he defeated Saren. This was as much his fight as it was Shepard's. And for all the reasons he found why they shouldn't do it, he found at least as many reasons why they should. Why didn't they deserve some happiness with each other? It wasn't like either of them made a habit of this sort of thing. What was one black mark on a record? More importantly, Kaidan was pretty sure he had fallen in love already. John had never been loved by anyone in his whole life, and more than anything, Kaidan wanted to change that, wanted to show him what it meant to have someone who would care for him and look after him for a change.

 

Eventually he realized that the answers he sought weren't going to be so easy to come by. Showered and dressed in a clean uniform, he headed to the mess to start some coffee. He was going to need it to get through this day.

 

**

 

John woke up alone.

 

It shouldn't have surprised him. He'd woken up alone nearly every single day of his life, but it _was_ a surprise. The distinct memory of strong arms wrapped around him and flower petal lips on his neck remained branded on his mind. He sighed, then groaned as he felt the pounding in his head. Forcing himself upright, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and held his head in his hands for a few minutes. Eyeing the bottle of bourbon, he took a generous swig, knowing it would take the edge off until he could get some aspirin from Chakwas. He felt like death as he stood on shaky legs. Why had he wanted to get drunk, again? Oh yeah! Because he was in love with the head of his marine detail – of all the screwed up things.

 

His stomach threatened to revolt on him, and he had to concentrate on steadying breaths to keep everything down. When he was sure he could move without barfing, he grabbed his shower kit and a fresh change of clothes, and headed toward the showers.

 

He knew something was wrong the second he stepped out the door. Quickly he checked to make sure he was actually dressed. He remembered stripping down last night, but he also vaguely remembered Kaidan insisting he put pants on at some point. He was dressed, so he wasn't sure what the problem was.

 

Ashley greeted him, a little loudly, “Good morning, Commander! _Sleep_ well last night?”

 

“Fine, Chief,” he murmured, moving past her.

 

Joker was next. “Well aren't we bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning, Commander? Must have been _some_ night!”

 

Shepard gave him a perplexed look, but continued toward the shower. Garrus stopped him then. “How's it going, Shepard? _Rough_ night?”

 

When he spotted Kaidan across the mess hall, looking anywhere but at him, he knew they knew. _Fuck!_ “You four! In my quarters! _Now!_ ” His head was throbbing, his stomach queasy, his knees weak and knocking, but he knew how to turn on _Commander Shepard_. By the time the four team members were standing in front of him, they were all staring at the floor. The fact that he was wearing only sweatpants and a t-shirt, or that his unmade bed, giving clear evidence of two occupants the night before, was right behind him, didn't seem to negate the effect he had on them.

 

“Someone want to tell me what the hell is going on?” His eyes narrowed on Kaidan, who looked pale.

 

“Sir,” Kaidan started, but Ashley interrupted him.

 

“Sir, we were just giving the lieutenant a hard time. Joker and Garrus saw him coming out of your room this morning.”

 

“We also saw you kissing him, but we had promised Kaidan we weren't going to bring that up,” Joker added with a smirk. Kaidan flushed.

 

Shepard closed his eyes and counted to ten. How was this happening? He hadn't gotten laid in more years than he cared to count, and now a couple of passionate kisses and a foolish need to be near his lieutenant were threatening everything.

 

“We were happy for you two,” Ashley ventured.

 

His eyes snapped open, and he looked at her, astonished.

 

“We're not going to tell on you,” Joker said. “We figure everybody needs to find some happiness wherever they can these days.”

 

The Commander sighed. “Yeah, okay. Thanks for that, I guess. Though, you _should_ tell.” Unable to stand any longer, he sat on the foot of the bed, head in his hands again.

 

“Shepard?” Kaidan questioned.

 

“I'm fine. Just fucking hungover. Look,” he said, raising his head to see the crew members in front of him, “I know people thrive on gossip on a ship, but not this, okay? My private life is off limits for scuttlebutt, am I clear? And leave Kaidan the hell alone! That's an order!” He said, loud enough to wince when his head rang like a bell. Four hands saluted, followed by a chorus of _Aye, Sirs_. “Alenko, Williams, and Vakarian, suit up. I need your help with something... personal this morning. Joker, we're going to be here a few more hours. When we head out, we're going to Noveria. I got word from the Council that Liara's mother is there. It's going to be a hell of a day, and I've got a fucking krogan on the warpath in my head, so all of you get the hell out of here and let me be miserable in peace!”

 

“I told you it would be hell dealing with his hangover this morning,” Joker quipped to Kaidan on their way out the door.

 

“Alenko,” Shepard called before the door could close, and Kaidan hung back.

 

“I'm sorry, Shepard! This is exactly what I was trying to avoid by leaving so early this morning.”

 

“It's not your fault, Kaidan. It's mine... again.”

 

“You're not the one who broke in here while you were passed out drunk and naked,” the lieutenant smirked.

 

Shepard smiled - real and honest. “See anything you liked?”

 

“Um, yeah!”

 

“That's good to know, LT.”

 

“I should, um...”

 

“Yeah. See you in a bit, and hey, I'm sorry for... last night, for them teasing you.” He looked away.

 

Kaidan was on his knees in front of him an instant later, calloused fingers nudging his head back around to face him. “Shepard, would you stop apologizing to me? I wanted all of this. If I didn't I wouldn't have allowed it to happen. You've never taken advantage of me. You've never made me feel like I had to be your friend or kiss you or sleep in your bed or hold you in my arms because you are my CO. I did that – all of that – because I _care_ about you!”

 

Shepard's worn hand came up to clasp Kaidan's that was still holding onto his cheek. “Kinda wish I'd had time to brush my teeth before this so I could kiss you again.”

 

Kaidan laughed at the absurdity of the statement, and leaned in to peck the Commander on the lips. “Well, you'll just have to come find me after you've brushed them.”

 

“Probably not your best decision ever.”

 

Looking into Shepard's blue eyes, Kaidan just knew. This was what he wanted – this man, shared jokes, stolen kisses – the whole package. “Probably not, but I'm done running from this.” Kaidan said firmly. “The galaxy will keep turning, careers can be changed, but this – you and me – this is what will never happen again.” Blue eyes, soft and warm, gazed at him with something like awe in them, and Shepard swallowed around the lump in his throat. Kaidan pecked him once more on the end of the nose. “Now, go take a shower. You smell like a varren's ass.”

 

“Sniffed a lot of those, have you?” Shepard asked with a grin.

 

Kaidan scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Get the hell out of here... Sir!”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting and kudos-ing! Y'all are so amazing! 
> 
> Find me on tumblr: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard confronts old friends with the help of new ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, folks, this is it... all those yucky tags are referenced here in this chapter. Warnings for graphic depictions of violence, mentions of rape/noncon, mentions of child abuse, depictions of blood and gore, mentions of death.
> 
> I'm truly sorry if I have missed any triggering tags!

The tension in the air was palpable. Shepard stood as if he were strapped to a pole – rigid and unyielding, clenched fists dangling at his sides. A trickle of perspiration worked it's way down Kaidan's temple, the tip of his tongue darting out to wet parched lips. On their way to the rendezvous, Shepard had explained the situation. If any of it had bothered Garrus or Ashley – learning that the Commander had once been in a gang, meeting and possibly killing the gang's representative – they hadn't shown it. As a matter of fact, Kaidan felt pretty positive that they were willing to defend Shepard to the death if they had to. That's just the kind of loyalty the man inspired. In light of that, it was no wonder the gang had hunted him down.

 

Finch turned out to be a squatty man with dark, close-cropped hair and scars crisscrossing his lips, flanked by two-cred mercs on either side. The Normandy's crew had dealt with the likes of them too many times to count. Taking them out wouldn't be an issue. Now all that remained to be seen was whether or not the Reds would take _no_ for an answer. “I see you brought some back up, Johnny,” Finch said, and his voice held that grating quality that prickled the hairs on the back of Kaidan's neck.

 

“So did you,” Shepard said, his deep, strong voice a stark contrast to Finch's reedy scratching. The two men squared off, glowering at one another. “I spoke with the turian,” Shepard informed him, arms crossed in front of him in his usual stance. “Your guy poisoned medical supplies bound for a turian colony. There's no way in hell I'm getting him out for you.”

 

“I'm not surprised, Johnny. You were always soft - choking when it came to the hard things.”

 

A quiet snort escaped Shepard's throat, and he rolled his eyes. “I think you have me confused with someone else, Finch.”

 

“Big Tommy went ape shit when he found out his little bitch had run off. That must be some pretty sweet ass there.”

 

A muscle ticked in Shepard's jaw, but his face remained otherwise impassive. “If that will be all,” he said, turning to go.

 

“Speaking of sweet ass,” Finch continued as though the Commander hadn't said anything. “It took us a couple weeks to find that meddling Alliance corporal and his pretty little wife. The boys took real good care of her.” The sneer in the man's voice and the implications of what he was relaying made Kaidan's blood curdle in his veins, and he thought he might vomit. The sweat that had been trickling down his face dripped into his collar, making him want to fidget. Years of training made it easy to quash the desire, however, and he waited – breath hung in his throat – for Shepard's signal. Quiet rage simmered beneath the thin veneer of calm that he'd perfected over time. This man was a low-life scum and deserved to die. He only hoped John saw it the same way.

 

Shepard seemed frozen to the spot, feet anchored to the floor, and the ticking muscle in his jaw was working at a furious pace. Kaidan couldn't see his eyes, but he'd seen the stance often enough, just before the Commander sent someone to meet their maker. Finch was not long for this world. The man didn't seem to grasp just how precarious his situation actually was though, and so he continued. “We all took a turn with her,” he prattled obliviously. “Made the husband watch, then slit her throat before we put a bullet in his head.”

 

A flick of the Commander's wrist sent Finch flying backwards on a streak of blue light, head slamming into the wall with a sickening smack. Kaidan, Ashley, and Garrus made quick work of Finch's hired muscle, leaving them with nothing to do but watch how the scene before them played out. The idea that Shepard could be brutal and merciless had occurred to Kaidan, but he'd never actually witnessed it before. He'd never wanted to contemplate the things Shepard had learned – had been forced to be a party to – in order to survive life on the streets.

 

Kaidan's life wasn't one that could be called easy. He'd endured near constant doctor's appointments in search of an elusive diagnosis for his numerous childhood maladies before it was discovered that he was a biotic. Then there were the years of being tracked and hounded by the Alliance, culminating in being shipped off to JumpZero. The mess that followed with Rahna and Vyrnnus and the cover up and the sealed records had left a bitter taste in his mouth, but through it all, he'd had the support of his family. His parents had left no stone unturned as they'd fought for their only child – seeking treatment, offering emotional support, trying to get him therapy for his wounded soul when he'd come home a broken man at only seventeen years of age. Shepard had suffered in an altogether different type of hell, though – no one to look after him but himself.

 

Seeing John now might have been enough to make him rethink everything he'd come to believe about the man over the weeks of their acquaintance if he didn't know the story behind the fury. Blue light, born of wrath, bathed the Commander's body, as his biotics flickered and crackled around him. Kaidan saw the glint of fear in Finch's eyes – sheer, consuming terror as if he realized he'd stepped over the edge of the cliff and there was nowhere to go now but down. His body slithered to the floor, but Shepard lifted him again, large hand encircling the man's throat. Finch gasped for breath, fingers prying at the hand that held him, however John was unrelenting.

 

“You were always just jealous that Tommy wanted me and not you, Finch,” he spat. “I hate to break it to you, but he really wasn't that good.” Finch dropped like a stone when Shepard released him, sucking in lungfuls of air. A dark bruise blossomed on the man's neck.

 

“Fuck you, Johnny!”

 

“I think it's cute that you thought you could take me on and walk away. You want to know why Tommy wanted me? Because I knew how to get the fucking job done. You were never able to finish what you started. It's a wonder he sent you after me now.”

 

Finch struggled to his feet, scratchy voice now rough from the abuse he'd suffered. “What are you going to do, Johnny? Kill me?”

 

Shepard nodded his head slowly, and Finch's eyes widened to saucers, darting around wildly in search of an escape. “You're not going anywhere. You think you can come here, threaten to blackmail me, insult me, throw the past up in my face and then just walk away scot-free?” His hand shot out to grab the man again, spinning and crushing him face first into the wall. “Even if I let you go, Tommy would kill you the minute you set foot back in New York,” Shepard ground out through clenched teeth, wrenching the man's arm behind him until it crunched. Finch howled in pain. “Looks like I'm cleaning up your mess again, Finch.”

 

Disappointment laced the edge of Shepard's words, though it was easily crowded out by rage as Shepard turned the man to face him once more, knee connecting with Finch's groin. Finch pitched forward in agony, and Shepard's knee crashed into his nose this time, hands forcing the man's head down to increase the impact of the blow. Blood spurted from his face as he dropped to his knees. “P-please, Johnny.”

 

“Please what?" Shepard shouted. "Let you go, so you can drag my name through the dirt? So you can try to pull me back down in the filth with you and Tommy and the rest of them? No. Never again. I've worked too fucking hard to claw my way out of that shit to let some penny-ante fuck up like you ruin it.”

 

At some point, the scene mutated from watching Shepard dispense justice on a petty criminal to watching a shuttle crash – unable to tear his eyes away. Some part of Kaidan registered that he should try to stop Shepard, coax him into putting the man out of his misery the merciful way. Another part – the part he thought he'd left on JumpZero – wanted Finch to pay as much as Shepard did. Whether or not the man had played a direct role in Shepard's suffering seemed moot at this point. Where Shepard had gotten out, cleaned his life up, made something of himself, Finch had participated in raping and murdering some of the only people to ever offer John Shepard a helping hand. While John had spent more a decade saving lives, Finch had spent that same decade taking them, destroying them.

 

Kaidan heard the click of John's pistol being removed from the mag-lock at his side, saw the gleam of metal as he pressed it to the man's temple. “I'm through giving you people chances to hurt me,” Shepard rasped, finger twitching against the trigger. He didn't even flinch as the gun went off with a crack, blood and gore spraying in all directions. Finch's lifeless body slumped against the wall, and Shepard stared down at the dead man. His blood-drenched chest heaved with the effort of breathing, and Kaidan called to him, gently. Shepard whirled to face him, blue eyes dark with a rage that was normally reserved for the battlefield.

 

“You okay?”

 

John staggered backward a few steps, colliding with the wall. His knees buckled, and he slid to the floor, staring at his red-coated hands. “I'm sorry,” he whispered.

 

“For what? He deserved it, John.”

 

“Did he?” Shepard's voice was razor sharp. “He deserved a bullet, sure, but... that?” His eyes went hollow, transfixed on the dead man.

 

“You did what you had to, Shepard,” Kaidan said softly. “Come on. Let's get you back to the ship.”

 

The group was silent as they made their way back to the Normandy. Shepard was lost to memory, mind focused on the distant past that Kaidan wished would leave the man alone. Perhaps in time killing Finch would bring him some sort of peace, for now it was apparent that the Commander was experiencing anything but peace. He refused eye contact with the squad, but both Garrus and Ashley rested a reassuring hand on his shoulder before entering the ship and giving Kaidan and John a moment of privacy.

 

Shepard leaned back against the rail of the docking bay with his arms crossed over his chest, blue eyes glued to the floor. “I didn't want you to know,” he said, so quiet that Kaidan almost missed it.

 

“Didn't want me to know what?”

 

“That's what I was. The cleaner.”

 

“Your job was killing people?”

 

Shepard nodded his head. “After my biotics manifested, yeah. The rest too, though. That the corporal and his wife died for helping me. That Tommy... used me.” His voice was tattered and torn, empty like his eyes, and Kaidan felt an almost physical pain in his chest.

 

“John, those things aren't your fault.”

 

“Aren't they?” He rubbed a hand across his forehead, only managing to smear the blood around more. “I could've stayed. Could've found a different way out. Hell, I could've fought back... or just let them kill me and been done with it.”

 

“And what would that have solved?”

 

Shepard lifted a shoulder in a careless shrug. “I'm tired of these ghosts haunting me, Kaidan. No matter how hard I work, no matter how much good I do, it's always there. The physical reminders spelled out in ink on my body, even. The pain, the memories... they're always just lurking under the surface. I... can't get away from it.”

 

“One day you will,” Kaidan told him, though he couldn't imagine when that day would be. The man had already spent a decade trying to outrun them, and it was clear the memories weren't ready to relinquish their hold on him.

 

“Hope I live long enough to see it,” he huffed, turning his face away.

 

“At some point you're going to have to learn to let go of your failures. Focus on the good you've done, the good you are _doing_. Stop wearing the past like a chain around your neck.”

 

Shepard looked at him, and Kaidan could almost see the rebuttal on the tip of the man's tongue. He let it die away, however, and sighed in something like defeat. “Yeah... you're right.”

 

With a few short steps, Kaidan closed the distance between them, coming to rest in the Commander's personal space. “You're a survivor, John,” he said adamantly. “There's no shame in overcoming a tormented past. You should feel proud as hell. I know I'm proud of you.”

 

The dark expression on Shepard's face finally softened into something warm and accepting, and his blue eyes searched Kaidan's whiskey colored ones for any hint that he was being untruthful. He sighed, a ghost of a smile gracing his lips. “You trying to sweet talk me?”

 

“Maybe. Is it working?”

 

John nodded, eyes twinkling. “You're something pretty special, Lieutenant Alenko. You know that?”

 

“I might have heard it a time or two.”

 

“So, I need to work on my pick-up lines?”

 

“You don't need pick-up lines with me, Shepard.”

 

“Good to know.”

 

Kaidan really wished they weren't in armor right now, and that they were somewhere more private, and not covered in blood and guts. It would really make this moment a lot more romantic. As it was, he settled for reaching a hand around Shepard's back and tugging him into an embrace. The armor and John's superior height made it awkward, but the younger man melted into in nonetheless, resting his head on Kaidan's shoulder. This time, his sigh was one of contentment rather than frustration or resignation. “Thank you for today,” he murmured. “I don't think I could have done it without you.”

 

“I'm glad I could be there for you.”

 

John lifted his head and met Kaidan's eyes. “I really want to kiss you right now,” Shepard said.

 

Nodding, Kaidan agreed, “Me too, but... uh...” He waved his hand at their grimy faces.

 

“Guess we'll have to put it off again,” John frowned.

 

“Guess so.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“But, uh... after we've showered... maybe... find me later?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm truly blown away by how much attention this story has gotten. I'm so beyond thrilled! Thanks so much for all the comments, kudos, bookmarks, and subscriptions. They keep me motivated!
> 
> For more mshenko and fandom goodness, find me on tumblr: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the boys find ways to keep each other warm on Noveria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured I owed y'all a sweet and fluffy - and perhaps smutty ;) - chapter after the last one.

 

_Beautiful[artwork](http://shotce.tumblr.com/post/157051371412/more-practice-this-time-inspired-by) by the talented and wonderful [FallingOverSideways](http://archiveofourown.org/users/FallingOverSideways). _

 

* * *

 

 

Trying to argue with Anoleis was about as productive as banging one's head against a wall, and at least as painful. A dull ache throbbed at the base of Shepard's skull, and he'd almost bitten his tongue in two trying to keep from going off on the man. Deciding his energies were better spent elsewhere – like possibly swimming in a bottle of booze – he gave the salarian a curt nod and exited the office.

 

“Psst... Administrator Anoleis isn't the only one with a pass to leave Hanshan. Talk to Lorik Qui'in at the hotel bar.”

 

Shepard wasn't sure why Anoleis' secretary was willing to help him, but at this point, he'd take all the help he could get. The last twenty four hours had been an emotional roller coaster, and he was just ready to get off and allow his heart and head to catch up to one another. Between this tentative arrangement with Kaidan and killing Finch the day before, he almost felt like he was being pulled in two directions. He wanted – no needed – to sit down with Kaidan and try to flesh out what exactly was happening, but the job had to come first. Wars never had been keen on waiting for soldiers to sort out their personal lives.

 

After lashing out at the haughty asari who greeted him at the door to the bar – it was his job to uphold the law, not break it by helping ruthless companies spy on one another – he asked around for the turian in question, but he was nowhere to be found. “I give up,” he confessed to Kaidan and Liara, who both appeared just as on edge as he felt – though probably for different reasons. “How about some dinner?”

 

“Sounds good to me, Commander,” Kaidan said, relief coating his words. Though whether it was relief at calling it quits for the day or simply the prospect of filling his empty belly, Shepard couldn't say.

 

“I believe I will return to the ship,” Liara informed him. “This planet is far too cold for my tastes, even indoors.”

 

The asari declined Shepard's offer to walk her back to the ship, and Kaidan got them a table. “So,” Kaidan started once they were seated, “is this like a date?”

 

“Do you want it to be a date?”

 

“Might be kinda nice.”

 

Kaidan's grin was contagious, and John readily mirrored it. “I guess it's a date, then.”

 

Their chatter during the meal revolved around nothing in particular, just random tidbits and amusing anecdotes, but as the dishes were cleared an awkward silence descended on them. John didn't have much experience with dating. Truth be told, there were only a couple guys he felt confident saying he'd dated, meaning there was more to it than just sex, and that more than just the one time. He wasn't entirely sure if Kaidan was any more experienced in this department, but from the looks of things the lieutenant was just as nervous as he was. His fingers drummed out an unsteady rhythm on the table for a moment before Kaidan's hand enveloped them.

 

“So...,” the lieutenant started, trailing off with a nervous twitter of laughter.

  
“So?”

 

“Shepard... John, I... I want this, you know. I know how you second guess everything... personal in your life, and... I just... don't want you to worry about... this, you know... about us.”

 

“I want this, too,” John said, thumb rubbing against Kaidan's palm as he studied their joined hands. “I want it a lot.” The admission drew a pain filled sigh from his chest – years of suppressing his emotions and being shit on by others made it difficult to open up at times. And even that tiny admission seemed like a big deal, but Kaidan was here, not wanting to run, not going anywhere. Hope began to crowd out the other emotions vying for top billing, and a longing that he wasn't sure he had the strength to quell welled within him.

 

John raised his glass to his lips, eyes locking on the honey-brown of Kaidan's eyes. The whole thing was so reminiscent of the day they'd made him a Spectre – sharing drinks and easy conversation, eyes communicating desire without either of them having to speak a word. His heart hammered in his chest, beating so loudly it wouldn't surprise him if Kaidan could hear it from across the table. He swallowed anxiously, then decided to wade right in, hoping there wasn't a sheer drop off waiting for him under the water's surface.

 

Clearing his throat, he began, “So...”

 

“So?” Kaidan prompted, and they were both just being so idiotic right now that John almost wanted to scream.

 

“So...,” he cleared his throat again, “how would you feel about me... maybe... renting us a room upstairs for the night?” Now that it was out, there was no taking it back, so he kept his eyes trained on Kaidan's face, watching for any signs of rejection or acceptance. The lieutenant had a convincing poker face. Shepard would give him that much. When it came down to it, he wondered if he'd misread the signs after all, not sure that his heart could take it if Kaidan said no.

 

“I would feel pretty damn good about that, Commander,” Kaidan said at last, and Shepard released a breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding.

 

“Let me just go take care of that then, Lieutenant.”

 

Kaidan said he needed to go to Opold's store for a few things, and left Shepard to rent the room alone. John assumed he was going for lube and condoms, that would make sense, or maybe that was just wishful thinking on his part. Hell, the man could have decided that now was the perfect time to pick out a new mod for his rifle, for all he knew. Either way, it was a good twenty minutes before the lieutenant returned with a small bag in one hand, a bottle of wine in the other. Shepard quirked an eyebrow at him but didn't say anything, and the two of them tread silently into the elevator.

 

The door slid closed with a hiss, and Shepard turned to Kaidan, tucking two fingers into the lieutenant's waistband and pulling him close. “I don't think you're going to need that wine to get into my pants, LT,” he muttered, lips descending onto the older man's. Most of the kissing they'd done up to this point had been harsh and hurried. Now they had all night, and if this played out the way John hoped it would, they had time to take things slow. His tongue flickered over Kaidan's lower lip, the older man opening to him on a sigh, and Shepard took the presented opportunity to deepen their connection. Kaidan's back hit the wall with a quiet thunk, and John pressed himself against him, feeling his warmth through his BDU's. A moan he couldn't quiet suppress slipped out, and Kaidan echoed it.

 

A quiet cough alerted them that the elevator had stopped and was now open, and John reluctantly pulled away, eyes dark and hooded with desire. Ignoring the asari-salarian couple grinning at them from the doorway, John took Kaidan by the hand and led him toward the room he'd rented. It had been so long since Shepard had been with anyone that he was filled with a certain amount of dread now that it came down to it. Maybe they should open Kaidan's bottle of wine after all. The lieutenant had other ideas however, and as soon as the door sealed shut behind them, he shoved John against the wall, lips latching onto the younger man's throat.

 

John's arms flew around the lieutenant on instinct, holding him closer as a hand worked its way into Kaidan's hair. “You smell good,” Kaidan informed him as he nosed along the Commander's neck up toward his ear, nipping gently as he went. Shepard could smell the clean fragrance of Kaidan's shampoo, the slightly musky scent of the man himself. It was heady and distracting and wonderful, and in the end Shepard could only grunt, “Uh-huh,” as he clutched the man tighter against himself, never wanting to let go.

 

Kaidan's lips brushed against his whiskered jaw, moving steadily back toward his mouth. John hadn't had the time to truly savor just how incredibly soft the man's lips were before this moment, but now as they pressed against his own, he reveled in it – the supple velvet sliding against him. He refused to let himself think about what might be going through Kaidan's mind at the moment. Maybe this one night would be all they ever had – that's the way most of his prior experiences had gone – and if so, he was determined to enjoy it to the fullest extent, not dwelling on what might go wrong.

 

He tugged at the bottom of the lieutenant's shirt, freeing it from the man's waistband, letting out a satisfied moan as his fingertips grazed along the skin of Kaidan's belly. Kaidan seemed to like the direction he was taking and leaned back far enough to slip the shirt over his head before diving back into another kiss and working Shepard's shirt up high enough to expose his skin as well. Kaidan was hot to the touch, almost burning, feverish, and Shepard could feel the gooseflesh that sprang up everywhere his cold fingers brushed.

 

Warm fingers slipped up John's torso, outlining the hard muscle buried underneath his soft skin, and Kaidan uttered his name on a sigh, sliding the fabric of the shirt up as his hands moved upward. Shepard trembled as Kaidan's lips replaced the fingers on his chest, leaving little wet spots to cool in their wake. “Kaidan,” he breathed, coming back to himself enough to grasp the older man by the shoulders and maneuver him toward the bed. Shepard tugged his own shirt over his head as they walked, while Kaidan fumbled with John's belt and the fastener to his trousers.

 

A couple minutes of clumsy bumbling later, they released each other and stripped their own clothes off. Shepard moved them toward the bed, forcing Kaidan down onto the mattress and following him over to stretch out beside him. His hands skimmed along Kaidan's thigh, over the curve of his ass, and up his spine, taking note of every divot and dip as he went. His eyes drifted closed as Kaidan's fingers took a similar path across his own body, and he tried to commit every single detail to memory on the chance that this was all there would ever be. Try as he might, he simply couldn't repress the sinking feeling that this was too good to be true – that come morning, Kaidan would have changed his mind or worse that he'd wake alone again to discover it had all been nothing more than a vivid dream.

 

As though the man could read his thoughts, Kaidan stopped and held Shepard's head firmly in place, “John,” he said quietly, waiting until the man's eyes fluttered open and focused on him, “stop freaking out. You're tense as hell.”

 

“Sorry,” Shepard muttered, “it's just... been a very long time, and...”

 

“I'm not going anywhere,” Kaidan assured him. “I want this. Want you.”

 

Shepard brought a hand up to trail down Kaidan's jaw, the five o'clock shadow on the man's face tickling as he went. “Me too,” he said, bringing their mouths back together. Soft, gentle pressure yielded to hunger, and John nipped at Kaidan's lower lip sucking on it lightly.

 

Kaidan's responding moan left John breathless with need, and he shifted his hips closer to the man, bringing their already weeping cocks flush. He felt the shudder in the older man's body as he encircled both cocks as best he could in his fist, pumping slowly. Kaidan's lips enclosed his nipple as they rocked together, and John let his head fall back even as he brought a hand up to tangle in the older man's hair again. Blunt nails scraped easily over the man's scalp, and Kaidan responded by raking his teeth over the nipple he'd been laving with his tongue. Shepard hissed, hips jerking forward against the man. “I need you inside me, Kaidan.”

 

“Oh, god,” Kaidan moaned, shifting so that Shepard was lying flat on his back and moving over him. The older man kissed a burning trail down his body, tongue flitting over the sinuous lines of muscle. At Shepard's naval, he paused, glancing up sheepishly. “I, uh... took the liberty,” he murmured, leaving the bed and retrieving his bag of purchases. His hands were shaking so that he ended up just dumping the contents onto the blanket – a tube of lubricant, box of condoms, plus two toothbrushes and a container of toothpaste. John grinned at him, delighting in the way the man's face reddened.

 

“I'm glad you did,” Shepard said, gripping the man by the wrist to tug him back on top of him. Feeling a little bolder, John slipped his hands down to cup Kaidan's ass, kneading gently as he thrust up to grind their dicks together. They breathed out a curse in unison, that turned into a breathy chuckle. The more confident he became, the more relaxed he felt and the more each kiss and caress inflamed his senses. Heat slithered through him, stoking fires everywhere it went. “Kaidan, please,” he begged at length. There was only so much build up he could take before he combusted.

 

Kaidan kissed another trail down his torso, fiddling with the lube as he went. One hand gripped John's cock, and he pressed his lips to the tip of it, simultaneously pressing his finger against the Commander's entrance. Shepard let out a ragged moan as soft wet lips engulfed the head of his dick, tongue smoothing over the slit in the top. A finger slid into him as Kaidan's tongue traveled lower, bathing one testicle thoroughly, sucking it into his mouth gently before shifting focus to the other and adding a second finger along with the first, working them to loosen Shepard up. He licked a moist path up the underside of John's cock, swirling his tongue around the head, tracing the groove just under the tip.

 

Shepard nearly writhed as Kaidan inflicted his own delicious brand of torture upon him. Fingers pumped easily in and out of him as his cock slid into the blistering heat of Kaidan's mouth, and he had to concentrate on tomorrow's duty rotation to keep from ending it all right then and there. “You're killing me here, Kaid,” he said shakily, fingers combing through the older man's hair.

 

“Are you ready?” Kaidan asked after releasing him with a pop.

 

“Yes... fuck yes,” he groaned.

 

Kaidan huffed a laugh and went for the box of condoms, making quick work of rolling one on, then lubing and lining himself up against John. He pressed a burning kiss to Shepard's lips as he inched his way inside the Commander's body. Once seated, he brought their foreheads together, giving them both a chance to catch their breath and adjust. “Jesus Christ, you're tight,” Kaidan muttered, and John grinned at him, pecking him on the lips.

 

A tiny thrust of his hips let Kaidan know he was ready to continue, and the older man drew back slowly before surging forward again. John gripped the back of his head to pull their lips back together, tongues and teeth teasing as their bodies moved in synchronized rhythm. Kaidan couldn't seem to resist the soft skin of John's neck, breaking the kiss to lavish attention there, dipping his tongue into the divot beneath Shepard's Adam's apple. Those velvety lips were traveling southward when Kaidan suddenly froze, hips stuttering to a stop.

 

John felt a wave of panic as he watched Kaidan's eyes widen in surprise, felt the tip of the man's finger tracing over the heart on his chest. “It's not a tattoo at all,” Kaidan whispered. “It's... is it...”

 

“A brand,” Shepard stated, voice devoid of all emotion. “It was to let everyone know that I belonged to Big Tommy.”

 

“Jesus, John, I...” Kaidan swallowed, bending down to press his lips to the scar. “I'm so sorry.”

 

Shepard stared at the ceiling, willing away the nausea he suddenly felt. Kaidan drew him back into the moment with his lips, flattening his palm against the heart-shaped scar. “Now you belong to me.” His voice was rough with emotion, and John couldn't help the whimpering moan that emanated from his chest. Grasping Kaidan's shoulders, he pulled him back to his mouth, tongue delving deeply. Kaidan began to thrust into him again, a slow roll of hips that had them both panting through the kiss.

 

“God, Kaid,” he groaned. “You feel so... so good, Jesus.” His hands slipped down to cup the mans ass again, encouraging him to move a little faster.

 

“Mmm... so do you. I don't ever want to stop.”

 

“Me either... god, don't stop.”

 

Kaidan let out a groan that had Shepard's toes curling, and he couldn't help echoing it. The older man's hand snaked between them, gripping John's cock and thumbing across the top, spreading the slick bead of fluid around. Shepard's eyes rolled back, head pressing into the pillow, and Kaidan didn't waste the prime opportunity to feather his lips against the smooth expanse of his neck again. “You taste good, too,” he murmured.

 

Shepard huffed a laugh, then used a small biotic burst to flip them over. Kaidan stared up at him, stunned, for an instant, but when John sank back down onto him, he gripped the younger man's hips, uttering a curse as they began moving again. John braced his hands on Kaidan's shoulders, rocking his hips forward, chasing the friction they both so desperately wanted. Blue eyes stayed fixed on honey-brown as they raced toward oblivion. “Fuck, Kaid.”

 

The older man gripped his cock again, long, firm pulls in time with his own rhythm. “So close,” Kaidan murmured.

 

John could only nod, the ability to form words having retreated by this point. Kaidan pulled him down again and used his own biotics to reverse their position once more. John forced his eyes to stay open, watching his lover reach that point of no return. They were so close, both of them. The exquisite tension continued to build between them, and when Kaidan shifted, pegging his prostate with his next thrust, John's eyes widened. “Fuck, Kaid,” he repeated, cupping the back of the man's head and drawing him closer until their brows were touching again. With one more twisting pull from Kaidan's strong hand, he erupted with a soft cry, lips parted and brows drawn together in ecstasy.

 

Kaidan followed him, moaning John's name as his climax overtook him. Spent and boneless, John fell back against the sheets with a lazy smile and a satisfied sigh. Kaidan returned the smile, brushing their lips together a few times before rolling off of Shepard and onto the bed beside him. Rolling onto his side, John rubbed the tip of his nose against Kaidan's and grinned at him again. “Kaidan, I-”

 

“John, if you apologize to me, I'm going to punch you in your gorgeous face,” Kaidan warned.

 

Shepard huffed another laugh, wrapping his arms around the man and pecking him on the end of his nose. “I was just going to say that you're perfect and amazing, and I'm glad we didn't chicken out.”

 

“Oh... okay,yeah... I can live with that.... and John?"

 

"Hm?"

 

  
I feel the exact same way.”

 

**

 

Kaidan wiggled closer to the warm body pressed behind him, hearing Shepard's quiet moan. “Morning, sunshine,” he said.

 

John grumbled under his breath, but a moment later, Kaidan felt soft lips at the nape of his neck. “Morning,” he returned.

 

He heard the Commander's happy sigh, felt the warm breath gusting against his skin, raising goose bumps. Shepard's arms flexed, hugging him tighter, and Kaidan let himself be lost in the embrace for awhile longer. His muscles ached in that delicious way indicative of a night of incredible sex, and he smiled to himself at the memory of all the times and ways he and John had had each other the night before. It had been awhile since he'd spent the night with someone, but he didn't think he'd ever experienced a night quite like that before. The recollection of it had him hard again, and he pushed his hips back a little, experimentally, meeting with stiff resistance and a muffled groan from Shepard.

 

“I think we used all the condoms last night,” John whispered into his hair.

 

Kaidan laughed, “Damn! I thought I got plenty.”

 

“Guess you were hornier than you realized.”

 

“Me?!”

 

He felt John's lips curve into a smile, then Shepard shifted, sliding his cock between Kaidan's thighs, the head pushing up against his balls. “I'm sure we can manage,” he said, already breathless. One hand splayed across Kaidan's chest, fingers toying lightly with the thick hair, while the other delved between his legs, gripping his hardened length firmly. They set a lazy pace, hips working in perfect harmony, Shepard's hand pumping his cock marvelously. Those calloused fingers made for a decadent friction that had Kaidan speeding toward release quicker than he would have thought possible.

 

Shepard nipped along the edge of his shoulder, lips feathering lightly everywhere his teeth grazed. “Jesus, Kaidan, everything about you feels so damned good,” he murmured, and all Kaidan could come up with in reply was a strangled sounding moan that had Shepard chuckling. “Shit, I'm gonna come,” John suddenly gasped. The movement of his hips faltered, and Kaidan felt the warm gush of Shepard's release, felt as much as heard his ardent grunts, felt the tremors in the man's body. It only took a few more expert tugs to have Kaidan spilling too, then they were lying in sated bliss, watching the snow fall outside their window as their chests heaved and the sweat cooled on their skin.

 

Shepard wiped his hand off on the sheet, and pulled the blanket up around their shoulders, bringing Kaidan even tighter against his chest. “I never want to leave this bed,” he muttered, lips tickling the shell of Kaidan's ear.

 

“Me either,” Kaidan agreed. The only thing that could possibly make this moment better is if this was Canadian snow drifting past their window instead of Noverian. He gave a wistful sigh.

 

“Credit for your thoughts,” Shepard said, propping his chin in the crook of Kaidan's neck.

 

“The snow reminds me of home.”

 

“Tell me about it.” Shepard's fingers moved through the hair on his chest, fiddling with it and rubbing it, and Kaidan let out another happy little sigh.

 

“My dad's family owns an orchard in the BC interior. We'd spend weekends and holidays out there. In winter, there was always snow on the ground. I have a lot of cousins, and we'd build snowmen, make snow angels, have snowball fights. There was always a fireplace to warm up with afterward, and mom's Secret Recipe Hot Chocolate. I don't know what the hell she puts in the stuff, but I swear I've never had such good hot chocolate anywhere.”

 

Shepard huffed a laugh, nuzzling against Kaidan's ear. “What else?”

 

“Sometimes we had hot apple cider instead of hot chocolate, and once I was old enough, I'd have it with spiced rum. And mom makes the best apple pie you ever put in your mouth!”

 

“Sounds nice.”

 

“It is... maybe, uh... maybe someday I could take you.”

 

“I'd like that.” They were quiet for several long minutes, reveling in the warmth their bodies created as they snuggled under the blankets. “When it was snowing in New York,” Shepard said, “I'd go to this old blues club to get out of the cold. The owner didn't want me in there, but the piano player had a soft spot for kids. He'd sneak me backstage, bring me food and hot drinks from the bar. He even taught me to play piano.”

 

“I didn't know you played piano.”

 

“Hell, I haven't touched one in years and years. I doubt I'd be able to do it now.”

 

“Never know till you try, right?”

 

Kaidan felt Shepard's shoulder lift in a shrug. “Maybe. Used to mess around with a guitar every now and then, too, but it's hard to keep your skills up with the type of life I've lived.”

 

“Yeah, but you're a natural at just about everything you try to do, so...”

 

Shepard snorted a laugh. “I don't know about that. You haven't seen me dance yet.”

 

“With the way you were moving last night, I can't imagine you'd be bad at it.”

 

He felt the man duck his head, burying his face in Kaidan's neck. “If you're trying to make me blush, it's working,” he muttered.

 

Kaidan grinned and turned his head to catch Shepard's lips in a sweet kiss. He would be content to stay wrapped in these incredible arms for all eternity, and with the way John couldn't seem to keep his hands and lips off Kaidan, he guessed the Commander felt the same way. John shifted, loosening his grip a touch, and Kaidan almost whined at the thought of giving this up. Still, he knew his duty, wasn't about to turn away from it. “Time to get up?”

 

Shepard adjusted his arms bringing Kaidan even closer than before, then murmured into his ear, “Just a few more minutes.”

 

“Fine by me.”

 

**

 

“So the Commander and Alenko never made it back to the ship last night,” Joker whispered to Garrus and Ashley.

 

“Are you sure?” The Chief asked, a giddy lilt to her voice.

 

“Positive. Liara left them at the hotel having dinner. Looks like they finally worked things out after all.”

 

“About damn time!” The turian said.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of things: A. These guys are super dorky! haha! B. Kaidan has too much hair on his head and face to believe that he's not a hairy mofo from the neck down. So... in my mind he's got a lovely, thick patch of hair on his chest for Shep to run his fingers through! ;)
> 
> Thanks for all the love for this story! I'm so glad you're enjoying my babies so much! 
> 
> tumblr: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard comes face to face with his nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to bring the mood down again so quickly, but poor Shep has never had it that easy! 
> 
> Another icky chapter in which the ugly tags apply. Trigger warnings for: mentions of child abuse, mentions of childhood rape, graphic depictions of blood and violence.

When Admiral Hackett asked for help clearing out a training outpost on Luna, Shepard decided that now was as good a time as any to deal with Big Tommy once and for all. He should have done it years ago, but he'd foolishly thought that he could walk away from that life and that it would leave him alone. Anxiety coiled around his heart, shredding his self control. For more than a decade, he'd trained and fought and crushed anything that stood in opposition to him, but nothing he'd faced before had ever been this personal. This was the stuff of his nightmares, the man who'd tormented him as a child, a man who'd used and abused him until he no longer felt that his life was worth the air he had to breathe to sustain it.

 

His knee bounced uncontrollably as he fidgeted in the seat of the skycar next to Kaidan. “I can't fucking do this,” he hissed, rubbing his forehead furiously.

 

Kaidan landed the car at the drop point, two blocks from the main base, and turned to face him, firm hand on the back of his neck. Shepard latched onto his arm like he was a drowning man and this his only lifeline. “Yes you can, John,” Kaidan told him. “He doesn't hold sway over your life anymore, and he needs to be stopped so that more kids don't suffer the same fate you did. We're here for you,” he gestured to Garrus and Ashley sitting in the backseat, then added in a whisper, “I'm here for you.”

 

John peered into the whiskey-brown depths of Kaidan's eyes, drawing strength from the man's quiet determination. His own will turned to iron, and he gave Kaidan one firm nod then exited the car. _Commander Shepard_ could approach this mission just like any other; Johnny would just have to sit this one out.

 

They'd made a plan to deal with the gang members inside the building based off Shepard's memories of the layout. He only hoped they hadn't decided to remodel in the last ten years or so. They crept through the shadows, Shepard easily snapping the necks of any guards they encountered before their location could be given away. Once they finally reached the main door, Kaidan hacked the lock.

 

The putrid smell of desperation hit his nose immediately, and John struggled to fight the wave of nausea that threatened to overtake him. The ground floor was where the children were kept, along with the few adults who were supposed to look after them but were generally so strung out they couldn't see straight, let alone care for children. Shepard pulled his helmet on, gesturing for the team to do the same. They'd come equipped with knock out gas to deal with the lowest level. The police would be called in to handle the children and junkies. Perhaps loving homes could be found for these kids.

 

The elevator was at the back of the room, and the group made their way to it once everyone on this floor was unconscious. Just before they reached it, Shepard veered off to the left, entering a ramshackle room in the corner. _Room_ was a loose fitting term. The walls were constructed of cardboard and discarded sheets of metal and plywood. There were at least a dozen more such _rooms_ on this bottom level of the Reds base. It was exactly how he remembered it, only not. Piles of cardboard and filthy rags served for beds around the perimeter, but they were obviously not the sames ones he'd used as a child. Standing here, seeing this place he never ever wanted to see again, he could feel the lice and fleas that had tormented him as a child while he tried to sleep here crawling on his body, worming under his skin, and suddenly, the world was spinning away, the air being siphoned out of his lungs.

 

Shepard ripped his helmet off and retched in the corner, gasping for air. He'd hoped to never set foot here again. The ghosts, the memories, were suffocating, and now that his helmet was off again, the stench of shit and filth and despair threatened to have him heaving again. Panic shot through him as a strong hand landed on his neck, until he realized it was Kaidan. “This is where you lived?”

 

He nodded weakly, heard Ash whisper, “Holy god,” behind him, and he was drenched in shame. He needed Kaidan to see this, needed him to know where he'd come from, but he couldn't stand the thought of someone using this against him, trying to hurt him even more. “Shepard,” Ashley said, firmly, “we're going to find the bastard who did this to you and end him.” The fire in her voice relaxed him some. It had been so damn long since he'd had genuine friends to depend on, sometimes he forgot what it was like. Garrus echoed the Chief's sentiment, while Kaidan offered Shepard a bottle of water to rinse his mouth with.

 

Big Tommy must not have realized that the base was under attack yet, or the elevator would have been shut down. After they cleared the second floor, that's exactly what happened. They took to the stairs then, and Kaidan and Shepard both spread barriers over Ashley and Garrus to protect them from the bullets raining down from above. This had been a perceived outcome, that the guards would rush the stairs, and they would have to fight their way through the stairwell to the top of the tower. The team was prepared. Garrus and Ashley picked off enemies one by one, dead bodies falling down the hole in the center of the stairwell, while Shepard did the same with his high-powered pistol. Kaidan used his biotics and tech attacks more than his assault rifle, but together they were decimating the gang's forces. No different from how they'd cleared the Prothean ruins on Therum and Feros or Peak 15 on Noveria, really. Start at the bottom and work your way to the top, killing anything that tries to stop you.

 

They exited the stairwell at the third floor and swept it clean before returning to the stairs. The idiots made it easy for them by mustering on the other side of the doorway. All they had to do was open the door and toss a few grenades in then sit back and listen to the mayhem.

 

They continued to advance steadily, taking out wave after wave of the gang's forces until they reached the top floor. By the time they were outside Big Tommy's office, any nervousness or fear that Shepard had felt had been replaced by screaming rage. Using a biotic burst, he blew the door open without waiting for Kaidan to hack it and stalked into the room. He took in the sight of the man who'd tried his damnedest to ruin his life, stomach churning as more memories rushed to the surface. He ruthlessly quashed them, stuffing them into the recesses of his mind. Tommy looked just like he remembered – paunchy, slick, dark hair, greasy smile. Shepard's blue eyes narrowed.

 

The two goons flanking the man took a step forward, then fell dead with a shot each from Garrus and Ashley, and Big Tommy had the audacity to laugh, stepping over the dead bodies and closing in on Shepard. Kaidan readied his rifle, waiting for Shepard's order.

 

“Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,” the man said, head wagging side to side slowly. “Now, is this any way to greet an old friend?” It was still that same old oily voice that made John feel unclean from the inside out, like there wasn't enough soap in the galaxy to wash away the residue of his words.

 

“Fuck you, Tommy!”

 

“Is that why you're back? Missed me did you?”

 

Shepard ignored the remark. “I'm here to make sure you don't send anymore of your pathetic goons after me,” he said. “Finch met with a little accident on the Citadel. Perhaps you heard something about that?”

 

“I've missed that smart mouth of yours, Johnny. I remember all the things it could do for me.”

 

A flicker of light caught Shepard's attention, and he glanced over to see Kaidan's body awash in blue flame. He held up a hand to stay his lover.

 

“So,” Tommy went on, “the first human Spectre is here to kill me? Is that it?”

 

“That about sums it up,” Shepard said, arms crossed over his chest.

 

“Or maybe you found you just couldn't stay away,” Tommy smirked. An orb of white light, wreathed in blue, hit the man at center mass, and his body crumpled to the floor. His laugh was harsh and cruel, slithering through Shepard's veins and leaving him cold. “You were always my favorite little bitch, Johnny. So feisty!”

 

Shepard roared, hauling the man off the floor with a hand at his throat and slamming him face first into the desk in the center of the room. Murderous rage consumed him, filling him with an overwhelming urge to tear the man limb from limb, “I'm going to shut that filthy mouth of yours permanently,” he bellowed, lifting Tommy by the hair and bashing his head into the desk again.

 

“Fuck you, you little cocksucker!” Blood-tinged spittle flew from the man's mouth.

 

Shepard's laugh bordered on maniacal, and he flipped Tommy over, the edge of the desk digging into the man's back, forcing him to meet his eyes. “I was never ashamed of what I was,” he spat. “Unlike you. You hated that you couldn't keep your hands off me – off all us boys.” One arm pinned Tommy to the desk by his throat while the other hand worked frantically to release the seals on his chest piece, ripping his under armor open to reveal the heart-shaped scar on his breast. “You did this to me to mark me as yours, but you were so fucking ashamed of yourself you couldn't stand to look at it! How many times did you beat the shit out of me because you couldn't stand seeing what you'd done? Well, this mark is going to be the last thing you see in this life, you sick fucker!”

 

His omni-blade came out, pressing painfully into the man's neck, and he relished the fear dancing in Tommy's eyes. Oh how the tables had turned. “P-please, Johnny,” Tommy's voice was laced with terror. “I'm sorry.”

 

“It's about twenty fucking years too late for that,” Shepard said, dragging the knife across the man's throat, blood spurting with each ebbing heart beat. He watched sadistically as the life faded from the man's eyes. His blood-soaked chest heaved as he came back to himself. He was unsure of what he expected to feel now that the deed was done, but all he felt was small and alone and ashamed, just like he always did after Tommy had done with him. Staggering to the corner, he vomited again, dropping to his knees and crying out, a deep, primal, gut-wrenching sound that had Kaidan at his side in an instant.

 

“It's over, John,” he soothed. “It's over.”

 

Shepard collapsed into strong arms, and just let go, his anguished cries echoing off the walls of the room, tears cutting a clean swath through the blood on his cheeks. All the while, Kaidan held him and rocked him until his wailing subsided and nothing more than hiccoughing sobs remained. When his tears had run dry, Kaidan passed him the canteen again, and he used it to clean some of the blood from his face, drying it with a towel that Kaidan had produced out of nowhere. Kaidan grabbed his cleaned face with both hands and pressed a burning kiss to his lips. “It's over,” he whispered again, when he'd pulled away. “He can never hurt you again.”

 

“I need to get out of here,” Shepard croaked.

 

Kaidan simply nodded, helping him to his feet, lightly tracing a finger over the heart-shaped scar on his chest before he could cover it back up with his under armor. Shepard stiffened. At the moment he felt liked he'd been flayed open, the darkest, blackest parts of his soul laid bare for the entire world to gawk at. His instinct now was to flinch away from that touch, that gaze that pierced through flesh and bone and saw through to the heart of him – his truest self – however he tried, for Kaidan's sake, to stand firm under the man's scrutiny.

 

Seeming to sense his discomfort, Kaidan slid a hand around the back of his neck, his other palm lying flat against the scar on his chest. “You belong to me now,” he said earnestly, and Shepard grabbed him, crushing him to his chest, burying his face in the man's neck. “Come on, John,” he said after a minute. Let's get out of here.”

 

Nodding, Shepard released his hold on the man, turning to see Ash stumbling toward him, tears streaming down her own face. She threw herself into his arms, sobbing bitterly. “I'm alright,” he whispered, stroking her hair that had fallen out of it's usual tight bun and resting his cheek on top of her head. “I will be anyway.”  
  


“I just... it's so unfair that this was your childhood.”

 

“Life's not fair, Chief. I would have thought you'd know that by now.” He huffed a small laugh, and the Chief returned it. Garrus met his eyes, nodding his approval over the events that transpired, and Shepard returned a short nod of his own. “Come on. I really need a fucking drink right now.”

 

If anybody thought it was odd seeing three Alliance marines – one covered in blood – and a turian silently downing shots at the corner bar, they didn't bother to say anything.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, commenting, kudos-ing, etc. It brightens my day every time I see that someone has taken enough interest to let me know they're enjoying this! 
> 
> *shameless self-promotion* In case you're interested, there's a one-shot companion piece to this (click the 'next work' link below) set during the Skyllian Blitz, explaining one of Shep's tattoos (as seen in the incredible artwork in Ch. 8.)
> 
> My tumblr: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard loses and wins and is kind of an asshole in between.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts out sad, but has a very happy ending. No warnings that I can think of except for some extreme sappiness toward the end. Oh yeah, there's smut here, so... 
> 
> Oh, and I kinda fudged on the timeline here a little to suit my purposes for the story, but I don't think any significant damage was done. 
> 
> Enjoy!

John was distant after Virmire. Ash was dead, Saren gone, and the noose of time was constricting around their necks more rapidly with each passing day. In the few short weeks since Noveria, Kaidan had spent many blissful night's in the captain's quarters enveloped in Shepard's steady embrace, lost in steamy kisses and the luxuriant slide of their sweaty bodies against each other and magnificently blue eyes. He would readily admit to selfishly enjoying the respite they found in each others arms – respite that was becoming less and less available and therefore more and more precious. Since Ash's death, sex had been demoted to little more than perfunctory stress relief – quick fucks bent over the furniture in Shepard's quarters with none of the tenderness that Kaidan had come to depend on. In that time, Shepard hadn't asked him to spend the night even once.

 

He needed time. They both did. If the guilt that gnawed at Kaidan was any indication, Shepard probably felt consumed by it, and his vacant blue eyes did little to alleviate Kaidan's shame. John had told him that it was the bomb and not their relationship that influenced his decision, but Kaidan wasn't convinced. With all the guilt and confusion and fear, he really needed John's reassurance right now, knew that Shepard needed his in return, and all he could feel at the moment was that he was losing the man, just when they'd finally let go of all their hang-ups and given in to their feelings. Now, every time Shepard walked past him, refusing to make eye contact, all Kaidan could do was long for what they'd had before – that budding and beautiful thing that seemed to be dying in the wake of Virmire.

 

When he heard that Shepard had declared four days shore leave, he was thrilled, hoping that he and the Commander would be able to take a moment to breathe and be and to rekindle that thing that was flickering out before his very eyes. When he heard where they were going, his heart sank, and any notions he'd entertained of quiet evenings of making love in a hotel room were dashed.

 

Pinnacle Station was a military training ground offered only to the most elite soldiers in the galaxy. That the crew of the Normandy had been invited to participate was no surprise. That Shepard thought that killing holographic enemies in a combat simulator was a recipe for relaxation was telling of the Commander's state of mind. Normandy dropped the ground team on the station then docked on the nearby planet of Intai'sei for repairs, while the crew were released for some much needed R&R at the planet's only colony.

 

Kaidan had tried talking to John before they docked, desperate to get some kind of read on the man's emotions and mental state. Shepard had brushed him off, however, skirting the issue and dismissing his concerns, busying himself with reports or some such until it was too late.

 

Admiral Ahern was an asshole with a chip the size of Omega on his shoulders, and Kaidan took an immediate disliking to him. He knew the man had been sent here due to consistent abusive behavior toward his subordinates, and his attitude and demeanor had Kaidan immediately on edge. Shepard, on the other hand, seemed at ease for the first time in the more than week since Ash's death.

 

The entire morning was spent in combat simulations, Shepard swapping out teammates to give each of them an equal chance to fight. The only ones who seemed to be enjoying themselves were Shepard, Wrex, and Garrus, though the Commander was utterly ignorant of the fact. Each simulation was tried and retried until Shepard's name was squarely at the top of the leader board for every single one. Kaidan had never seen him push himself so hard, as if he had something to prove. He'd even gotten into an argument with a turian that had nearly come to blows. Shepard was unraveling at the seams, and there wasn't a damn thing Kaidan could do to stop it.

 

The ration bars on Pinnacle Station were especially bland, but the flavor wasn't what had Kaidan listlessly picking at it rather than actually eating the thing. The weight of worry and – to be honest – loss that he felt bowed his shoulders as he sat in the mess, clueless as to how he could go about setting things right. The door opened with a woosh, and Kaidan glanced up, cheek still propped on his fist, to see Shepard waltzing into the room like he was the king of the galaxy. The Commander paused to plant the sloppiest of kisses on Kaidan's lips before flopping into the chair beside him.

 

“That's the first genuine smile I've seen on your face, in days,” Kaidan said, wistfully.

 

Shepard's eyes clouded over for a moment, but he recovered quickly. “Ahern has a new simulation for me,” his grin was wide and bright. “No safeties!”

 

Kaidan spun in his chair, looking at John in disbelief. “What the hell do you mean, 'no safeties'?”

 

“Exactly what it sounds like, Kaidan,” Shepard said, dully, ripping open a ration bar and taking a bite.

 

“Have you lost your damned mind?”

 

“No.”

 

A frustrated hand carved roughly through his hair. “John, I know you're upset and hurting right now, but this is just reckless. What if you get killed in there?”

 

“You doubt my abilities, Kaidan?”

 

“No, of course not. I-”  
  


“Then what the hell is your problem?”

 

The venom in Shepard's voice was unexpected, but Kaidan tried to keep his calm. Losing his head would do nothing to diffuse this situation. “I just don't think you should be taking any unnecessary risks right now considering the magnitude of the fight on our hands.”

 

“I'm not taking an unnecessary risk. It's just a friendly wager.”

 

“Wager?”

 

“Yeah. My life against a retirement home.”

 

“That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard,” Kaidan yelled, calm vanishing instantly, replaced by crushing fear and fury, and all eyes in the room were on the pair of them now.

 

“You want to keep your fucking voice down, Lieutenant,” Shepard said, coldly.

 

“No, I don't! And I don't want you to do this! You don't have a damn thing to prove! Let it go John, and let's talk about Ashley.”

 

“You think that just because we're fucking you have the right to tell me what to do?” Shepard shouted.

 

“Fucking? Is that all this is to you?” His heart thudded in his chest, ready to burst into a million pieces. Rationally he knew that Shepard was just lashing out in anger. Knowing it to be true, however, did little to lessen the blow. If John had reached through his rib cage and pulled his heart out with his fist, it couldn't have hurt any more than this.

 

Shepard's eyes widened, face going pale, “No... That's not what I-”

 

“You know what, _Commander_? You're right. It's your fucking life. If you want to gamble with it be my guest!” Pain gave way to searing anger, and he wasn't about to let Shepard try to charm his way out of it. He stood, sending his chair careening backward with a biotic pulse and strode away as calmly as he could.

 

The bar on the station served cheap, rot-gut liquor, but the bitter burn was welcome as the whiskey slithered down his throat. Focusing on the physical discomfort that now smoldered in his chest where the vile drink had passed through was easier than dealing with a heart that had been stomped to smithereens. He was three shots down the gullet when the announcement came over the station's comms that Shepard, Garrus, and Wrex had entered the experimental simulation. Kaidan's heart lurched in his chest, and he was torn between being even more furious at Shepard for going in there without him, and being scared out of his mind.

 

There was an observation deck overlooking the training room, and Kaidan pushed his way to the front of the crowd peering down at the team like lab rats in a maze. John didn't take him on every mission, always calculating what sort of resistance or obstacles the team would face groundside and planning accordingly. So, Kaidan knew, in his head, that Garrus and Wrex would have Shepard's six, but that knowledge didn't help slow his heart rate or keep him from chewing nervously on his fingernails the entire time.

 

The fight was over in less than ten minutes, though it felt like ten hours. Shepard didn't even try to make eye contact with him as he exited the room, and the look of pure joy on his face, the confident spring in his swagger that hadn't made an appearance in days and days, only hurt Kaidan more. He'd tried everything he could think of to say to Shepard, to comfort him, to bring him out of this haze of depression and devastation the man felt over Ash's death, and nothing he'd said or done had even made a dent. But this. This idiotic, utterly stupid, life threatening wager had the man walking on cloud nine. It stung worse than the rot-gut whiskey. Everyone crowded the Commander, slapping him on the back with congratulations, but Kaidan just walked away, gathering his things and heading for the airlock. Surely they would be leaving now that there were no more games for Shepard to play, no more records to beat.

 

Kaidan ignored the man during the shuttle ride to the planet, trying to block out the joyous reminiscing coming from the human, turian, and krogan on the opposite side of the shuttle. Liara kept casting worried glances toward Kaidan, and he flatly refused to say or do anything that would give away just how hurt he truly was. Tali's mood was always difficult to read, but even the quarian couldn't hide the anxiousness she was feeling, though he didn't know if it was for him or Shepard. Maybe it was both. Eventually, he leaned back in his seat and pretended to be asleep until the shuttle touched down on Intai'sei.

 

Once inside the Normandy, he made a beeline for his locker to stow his gear and pack a bag. Shepard had the retirement home, but Kaidan didn't know if he was invited to it. He sure as shit wasn't going to ask. Duffel in hand, he headed for the airlock, turning just in time to see Shepard coming out of his quarters. John called to him, but Kaidan ignored it, taking the stairs two at a time.

 

A firm hand clasped his shoulder as he reached the airlock, stopping him in his tracks. “Will you please talk to me?” Shepard asked.

 

“Like you've been talking to me for the last several days?”

 

“Kaidan...” Shepard sighed.

 

“Don't 'Kaidan' me, John! The things you said... the way you've been pushing me away... I'm just... I'm done!”

 

If Kaidan had hauled off and slapped him, he didn't think Shepard could look more astonished. “Done? With us? With me?”

 

“No... I don't know.... Maybe.” His head hurt.

 

Shepard's face went stony, impassive, and Kaidan couldn't begin to get a read on his thoughts. “Is that what you want?” He asked coolly.

 

“No! It's not what I fucking want, but it seems like that's what I'm getting! I just... I don't understand what the hell is happening. I know you're hurting and upset, but keeping yourself closed off like you have it... it just...” The words wouldn't come, and he didn't know where they were going anyway. All he knew was that his heart was breaking, and he either needed John to say something or he needed to get the fuck off this goddamned ship before the desperation made him do something he'd regret.

 

“I haven't meant to keep myself closed off, Kaidan.”

 

“But?”

 

“Where are you going?” Shepard asked, changing the subject.

 

“To a hotel in town. To get and stay drunk until shore leave is over.” He turned again, hand hovering over the control for the airlock.

 

“You aren't planning on spending shore leave with me?”

 

“I got the feeling you didn't want me to, Commander.”

 

“What is with the 'Commander' shit? Why are you acting like this?”

 

“Because it hurts that you've been pushing me away – that you said that we were just 'fucking'... that... I don't know. I feel like I'm losing you.”

 

John took a tentative step closer, sorrow shimmering in his blue eyes. Calloused fingers trailed a line down Kaidan's cheek, and the older man's breath hitched in his throat, tears threatening to spill over. “I didn't mean to push you away, Kaidan. I'm so sorry... and I'm sorry for the things I said on the station, too. You...” his throat bobbed as he swallowed, voice cracking as he forced the words out, “you mean more to me than anything. Will you please come with me so we can at least talk about this?”

 

Kaidan gave a shallow nod, averting his eyes to hold back tears.

 

It was a forty five minute trip in the mako to Shepard's newly inherited house. It was forty five minutes of agonized silence. Kaidan tried to keep his gaze fixed on the view out the windows, but couldn't help stealing furtive glances at John the whole way. The meticulous way Shepard was driving – slow and careful and so... abnormal for him – did just as much to set his nerves on edge as the silence. Only Shepard's periodic sighs punctured the quiet, and by the time they made it to the house, Kaidan barely waited for the truck to stop before he opened the door and jumped out.

 

Although just a prefab, the house was nice. The wall of windows in the main living area offered a spectacular view of the horizon, showcasing the desert landscape, and casting a soft orange glow on the metal floor and walls, giving the whole space a warm, cozy feeling. Kaidan liked it. A lot. Shepard didn't even seem to notice, however. After kicking his duffel toward the closet, John sat heavily on the foot of the bed, dropping his head into his hands.

 

“It's a nice place, Shepard,” Kaidan said stiffly.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What's wrong?”

 

“Us, I guess. I fucked everything up. You'll hardly even fucking speak to me.”

 

“John,” the word was exhaled on a long breath, and Kaidan pushed an exasperated hand through his hair, not knowing what to say next or where to go from here.

 

“I wasn't trying to hurt you, Kaidan – or get myself killed. It started out as a damn joke with Ahern, but then... he put this place up, and I don't know... I just felt like I had to do it.” Shepard's eyes finally met his, and Kaidan almost wished the man were still staring at the floor. He couldn't ever remember seeing such heartache and regret anywhere. “I've never had a home before, Kaidan. Never. You... you saw where I came from. Home has always been a cardboard box or a barracks or a berth on a ship.” His eyes drifted toward the windows on the far wall. “There were no winters at the orchard and summers on the beach or beers on the balcony for me, Kaidan. Shit and filth and drugs and violence... that's all my life ever was, and... if it weren't for you, that's mostly all it would be now. But... hell, I just... I thought you would understand.”

 

Kaidan's heart was torn between being angry still and pulling Shepard into his arms and kissing him until the light came back into his eyes. “I might have understood if you'd just... explained everything,” he sighed at last.

 

“You didn't give me a fucking chance!”

 

“You're right,” Kaidan tossed his hands up in defeat, all the fight draining from him, leaving him feeling weak and vulnerable. “Shit... you're right.” He fell onto the bed beside, Shepard. “I just... I assumed it was because of Ash, and... with the way things have gone for the last week or so, it just... I'm sorry.”

 

“No... I'm sorry,” Shepard sighed. “No matter what your reasons for being upset, I... shouldn't have said what I did. I didn't... didn't mean that at all.” He turned to face Kaidan now, something suspiciously like hope glimmering in his bright blue eyes. “You do have a right to be concerned about what I do, because it's not just about my life anymore... it's about... ours.”

 

Reaching for his hand, Kaidan laced their fingers together. “We still need to talk about Ash.”

 

“I know.” John released his hand and crossed to the small kitchen, rifling through the cabinets till he found what he was looking for. “Figured Ahern would have a bottle or two,” he said, pouring them each a glass of bourbon. Both glasses were drained in a single gulp, and John pulled Kaidan into his arms, head pressing against the older man's shoulder. “I couldn't let you die, Kaidan,” his voice was as brittle as the man himself felt, like either of them could shatter with just the flick of a finger or a gust of wind. “I just couldn't... and I'm so fucking ashamed of myself. I... told myself that it was the bomb... not you, but... if you'd been with the salarians and Ash with the bomb, I know I would have still saved you... It's... this is exactly the fucking reason we're not supposed to be involved, but I just... I need you, Kaidan. It scares me how much.”

 

Kaidan kneaded the tense muscles in Shepard's neck, mulling over his next words, choosing them carefully. “John, you and I both know that tough decisions have to be made in war. One of us would have died that day no matter what you'd chosen, but that's Saren's fault, not yours. I'm not going to pretend that I don't feel some guilt over the decision, but Ash cared about you... about us. She wouldn't want you beating yourself up over this. If she was here right now, I think she would kick your ass – both our asses – for all the moping we've been doing.”

 

Shepard huffed a tiny laugh, following it with a sniffle. “Yeah... you're probably right.... I'm so sorry, Kaidan... god, I never... never want to hurt you... you're the only good thing that's ever happened to me.”

 

“Just... don't shut me out, okay? Let me help you. That's what we do now... help each other.”

 

John's head moved against his shoulder, skin rasping against the starchy fabric of his uniform as he nodded. “I'm sorry. I really suck at this.”  
  


“What's that?”

 

“Dating... or whatever the hell you want to call it.”

 

It was Kaidan's turn to laugh, and he pulled John even closer, lips pressing gently against his cheek. “Truth be told, I'm not so hot at it myself.”

 

“So we bumble our way through it together?”

 

“Yeah... that's sounds pretty damn good to me.”

 

Lifting his head, Shepard's eyes met his, the light that Kaidan loved so was finally shining brightly again. His lips tipped up into the tiniest of smiles, and Kaidan couldn't resist kissing the corner of that smile. “Does that mean I'm forgiven,” Shepard asked.

 

“Always.”

 

The smile widened, wrinkling the corners of his eyes, the weight of defeat he'd been carrying sliding off his shoulders. John leaned in for a soft kiss, tender and sweet and penitent, and Kaidan's heart soared. The cloth separating them disappeared slowly, falling carelessly in a trail to the bed. Starved and desperate fingers skated over skin, drinking up the silken feel they'd been denied of late. Shepard's fingers burrowed into the downy hair on Kaidan's chest, and the older man couldn't repress his smile. John was nearly obsessed with his hair, touching it and running his fingers through it every chance he got.

 

They toppled onto the bed, giggling when their foreheads bumped. Shepard straddled him, leaning down to kiss him again, hips rocking slowly, grinding their dicks together between them, and Kaidan groaned, body bowing off the bed and pressing in tighter against his lover. Hands and lips and tongues explored every satiny patch of skin they came to. “Tell me what you want,” Shepard murmured, lips at his throat. Kaidan shuddered as hot, moist breath skated across his Adam's apple, felt the prickling of hair standing on end all over his body. John's rough hands brushed down his sides, smoothing out the goosebumps that sprang up everywhere.

 

Thoughts were slippery at the moment. All his brain power seemed consumed by the soft lips and calloused fingers mapping his body. “Let me ride you,” he whispered at last, and Shepard gave a low groan that Kaidan could feel deep in his belly and had his cock responding with a twitch.

 

Shepard moved down his body, stopping to nuzzle into the fuzzy hair covering Kaidan's chest, earning him a short laugh from the older man. John gave him a silly grin – he really did love all that hair – then continued his journey, tracing the angular lines of muscle on Kaidan's belly with his tongue. His lips ghosted over the man's rigid member, humid air blowing over the surface, and Kaidan nearly whined when he kept going lower without taking the dick into his mouth. Any protest he might have made was cut off the moment that John's lips pressed against he underside of his balls. Pushing Kaidan's legs up to grant him better access, Shepard kissed a trail from his perineum to his entrance and back up again before taking that same path with his tongue. Kaidan relaxed into the bed, savoring the nimble tongue and pliant lips assaulting him.

 

A hiss escaped his throat as Shepard's tongue entered him, darting in and out then swirling around the star shaped hole. “Jesus, John,” he moaned twisting the sheet around his fists, and Shepard added a finger, continuing to loosen him. He was a wreck of frazzled nerves and oversensitive skin when Shepard finally relented, moving back up his body, pausing to flick his tongue over the slit in Kaidan's dick to lap up the fluid that was leaking from it.

 

He uttered a confused, “wha?” when Shepard abandoned him and left the bed to rummage through his duffel bag, grinning triumphantly as he brandished a tube of lube. Kaidan couldn't help but laugh at the dopey smile so at odds with dark lust in his eyes. John knelt on the bed, and Kaidan grabbed him, hauling him down and rolling him onto his back in one smooth motion, bringing their lips together. Everything was lazy, savoring, indulgent as they tasted and touched.

 

Eventually Kaidan slid onto John's hardened length, both of them reveling in the connection to the other, as if this was the way they were always meant to be, and nothing would ever be good and right without it. Hooded blue eyes beamed up at him with warmth and something hopeful that had Kaidan's insides twisting and fluttering, made him wish that this moment would stretch for all eternity, that the universe would leave them be, allowing them to bask in each other until the end of time.

 

Shepard's thumbs rubbed circles on his thighs as Kaidan's body adjusted, each swipe inching closer to his center until they were toying with the curly tuft of hair between his legs. They moaned in unison as Kaidan rolled his hips forward in long, languid strokes that left them breathless. John's eyes never left his, and a soft smile touched his lips. Leaning forward, Kaidan pressed his lips to the heart-shaped scar on Shepard's chest. A tangible reminder that the old ghosts were gone, destined to be crowded out with all the good memories Kaidan could possibly give him. John shuddered at the touch, as if he knew what it meant, and wrapped his arms around Kaidan, rolling them over.

 

His hand groped for Kaidan's, linking their fingers together and gripping until their knuckles turned white. Their lips met as John's hips ground down, deep thrusts bringing them closer and closer to the razor's edge. A warm tear dripped onto Kaidan's cheek, followed by another and another and a whisper so low, he almost didn't hear it, “I love you, Kaidan.”

 

Fingers at John's chin forced him to meet Kaidan's eyes, tears trickling out of the corners of them as well. “I love you, too.”

 

John hid his face against Kaidan's neck and let the tears fall, lips seeking every inch of skin they could find, and Kaidan held him impossibly close, trying to pull him right into his very chest, his very soul. They found their release together with muffled sighs, bodies trembling, lips caressing insistently, noses nuzzling overheated flesh, neither of them able to get enough of the taste, the feel, of the other man.

 

Finally, Shepard shifted so that all his weight wasn't crushing his lover, but kept himself mostly draped across the man. Kaidan brushed his fingers over the prickly stubble of hair at the nape of John's neck, and they held on for dear life as they drifted into contented sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the love and support! 
> 
> Find me on tumblr: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan and John pretend the world outside doesn't exist - for a little while, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing but pure fluff here with a generous helping of domestic porn - and probably other types of porn as well. One brief - very brief - reference to child abuse. Other than that, this chapter is just pure happiness! Enjoy!

The smell of sizzling bacon roused Kaidan from pleasant dreams, and he peered through gritty eyes toward the kitchen where John was cooking, in nothing but his skivvies, and humming tunelessly. Shepard glanced up when he noticed Kaidan's movement, and brought him a cup of coffee, delivered with a kiss to the forehead and a muttered, “Morning, sunshine.”

 

“Morning,” Kaidan managed, shifting so that his back was against the headboard. The view through the wall of windows was magnificent, desert sand and muddled orange, red, and brown rock formations as far as the eye could see, but the view of broad, muscled shoulders and a smooth expanse of skin narrowing to a vee at John's waist was much more enticing. He found his attention focused there instead of the orange-red horizon in front of him.

 

“Breakfast in bed?” Shepard asked, meeting his eyes, and smiling just so, in a way that made the man look ten years younger and carefree. It wasn't a smile that appeared very often. It was a smile that he wanted to see again and again.

 

“Sounds like heaven,” Kaidan told him truthfully, and he found himself longing for an end of the fighting and the chasing for the express purpose of carving out more time for mornings such as these. “I didn't know you could cook,” Kaidan said as a plate full of scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast was passed to him.

 

Shepard gave his typical self-deprecating shrug. “Roommate on Arcturus taught me. Said eating that cafeteria crap twenty four seven was bad for morale.”

 

“No doubt,” Kaidan laughed. “Well, I only have one trick up my sleeve in the kitchen – unless you count ordering take out – but I do make a mean steak and bacon sandwich.”

 

“You'll have to show me tonight,” Shepard said, eyes bright and clear and gorgeous and making funny things happen to Kaidan's insides. They ate in their usual, comfortable silence, finally taking a moment to appreciate the view outside rather than the one sitting next to them.

 

“So, do we have plans for the day,” Kaidan asked, taking John's plate to the kitchen. It was only fair that he wash since Shepard had cooked.

 

“No, but I wouldn't mind a shower right now.”

 

Kaidan glanced at him, saw the heat in his eyes, and quickly abandoned his chore in favor of following his commander into the shower. The kisses were messy, full of teeth and tongue, and flavored like smoky, salty bacon, and Kaidan couldn't get enough. Shepard gripped Kaidan's cock with a rough hand, stroking firmly from base to tip, and his knees buckled, back striking the slick shower wall. John closed in on him,steadying him with his body as Kaidan took his dick in hand as well.

 

They fell into each others rhythm as they always seemed to do, the steam from the shower clouding Kaidan's brain as well as his vision. The heat of the water combined with that of the hard body pressing against him was nearly stifling, but the scent of the man filling his nostrils, the shifting ripples of firm muscle under taut skin grounded him in the moment as their hips rocked together, speeding them toward release.

 

“You are so beautiful, Kaidan,” John panted, breath harsh against his wet skin, as he thrust into Kaidan's fist. “So damn perfect.”

 

It was all Kaidan could do to muster any response at all, and even then it was little more than an incoherent compliment, followed by a breathy curse. “Love you,” stuttered out on a broken sigh, and he could feel the hitch in Shepard's breathing, the crack in his voice as he repeated it back to him. Then they were breaking, coming together with strangled cries and moans bouncing off the walls of the small enclosure. They continued stroking each other as their dicks softened, until the touch was almost painful on overstimulated skin, and Shepard kissed him again, taking all the air out of Kaidan's lungs with him. By the time they were finished, neither of them had the strength to stand for an actual shower, so they tumbled back into bed, dripping wet and laughing, with arms and legs all a tangle.

 

The next three days were spent in similar fashion, ignoring the world outside, delighting in each other, watching vids or the sunset under a blanket on the sofa. It was an interesting change of pace, seeing Shepard not always working. Each afternoon invariably found Shepard curled on the couch with his head in Kaidan's lap and an abandoned book clutched in his fist as he snored away, and Kaidan was all too happy to be his soft landing, offering refuge to the man who carried the fate of trillions on his shoulders.

 

It made Kaidan's head spin if he thought about it too much. That they should live to see such a time when sentient machines were determined to destroy all life in the galaxy seemed surreal. If anyone had told him even just a year ago that they'd all be facing this threat, he'd have laughed in their face. The idea that one small ship, a crew of less than thirty, had been tasked with putting a stop to it was an even more ridiculous notion. If one looked at it that way, it seemed that the Council had sent Shepard on a fool's errand, but he was doing it. Somehow, day by day, despite the personal obstacles he'd had to overcome – or maybe because of them – Shepard was getting the job done, finding the clues, connecting the dots, and shutting down anyone who got in his way. It was more than a little awe inspiring, and regardless of the fact that he knew Shepard to be just a man, he sometimes couldn't help the little bit of hero worship he felt. A fact that would make John cringe no doubt, so Kaidan wisely kept that information to himself.

 

As their time drew to a close, Kaidan found he didn't want it to end, though both he and Shepard were getting a little restless from doing pretty much nothing. He'd enjoyed their days of domestic tranquility. Had even allowed himself the rare daydream about such a life once Saren was dealt with – a shared cup of coffee and a quick kiss on their way out the door to work, someone to come home to every night, someone to curl up in bed with and blather on and on about everything from the mundane to the worrisome. It was an indulgence Kaidan had never allowed himself. That kind of wistful dreaming about the future was impractical with the kind of lives men like he and Shepard lived. Still, it set his mind to thinking about other things.

 

“Credit for your thoughts,” John said as sweat cooled on their skin, and his fingers combed through Kaidan's thick mop of damp hair.

 

Kaidan pressed a kiss to his chest, right on the heart-shaped scar from his childhood. “I was just thinking how nice these few days have been. I'm glad you won the place.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Definitely. You've spoiled me here.”

 

“I like spoiling you,” a sentiment delivered with a kiss on the top of his head. “We should take some time off and come back when the mission is over.”

 

“That would be nice,” Kaidan said, “but... well, I was kind of hoping you'd come home with me... meet my parents.” He felt John tense up, and unconsciously held his breath, steeling himself against the man's rejection.

 

“You... want me to meet your parents?” Shepard asked slowly, as if each word weighed as much as a cruiser.

 

“Yeah... I mean... yes, I do.”

 

An eternity passed before Shepard finally responded, voice thick as honey and raw, “I'd like that.”

 

**

 

The last few days had passed in a blur, his only vivid memories those of their time at Shepard's house on Intai'sei. Once shore leave had ended, the crew of the Normandy went full swing into action once more, stealing the ship and racing to Ilos to deal with Saren once and for all. The Presidium was a chaotic mess, devastation visible everywhere his eyes landed. Saren and Sovereign were dead, the Council saved with Anderson taking on the newly opened seat for humanity. All around them, people moved with care, lives forever changed, but safe – for now – thanks to the man who stood beside him, holding his hand tightly in his own, and gazing at the sputtering fountain in the lake.

 

Blue eyes flickered over him as Kaidan brought a hand up to smooth over the back of Shepard's neck. “Credit for your thoughts,” he said, pressing his lips to John's temple.

 

_Johnny loved the library. It was one place where he felt safe – where he didn't have to hide from anyone. The librarian, Lucy Perkins, was always kind to him, and sometimes sneaked him treats like cookies or cupcakes. Sometimes after Big Tommy had abused him, he wouldn't want to see Johnny for days, so he would take the opportunity to spend as much time at the library as possible, soaking in every book he could get his hands on, reading everything from classics like Dickens and Twain, to nonfiction books on animals or planets, to turian and asari poetry. Whatever he could get his hands on, he read it._

 

_Lucy had managed to get some arithmetic books for him, and was helping him to decipher the language of mathematics. He wasn't ever allowed to take books from the library since he was too young to sign for a card without his parents permission, but the math books she said were his to keep. They were his most prized possessions, and when he wasn't running some errand for Big Tommy, he was in his hovel trying to solve math problems._

 

_The books were destroyed by Big Tommy in a fit of rage one night, and it took Johnny weeks to work up the nerve to tell Miss Perkins and beg for the opportunity to work to earn a new set. Her bright green eyes had brimmed with tears as she'd promised him another set, and from then on, John carried his meager possessions in a backpack everywhere he went so that Big Tommy couldn't get his hands on them and destroy them just to hurt him._

 

“Why do you think that memory came up, today of all days?”

 

“I got a message from Lucy Perkins today,” he said with a small smile. “She recognized me from the news vids. Told me she remembered me and my obsession with those damn math books.” His blue eyes took in all the damage, as he remembered. Then his voice took on a soft quality, “Said she was proud of me. That she always thought I had the potential to be something special.” His eyes fell to the handrail they were leaned against, thumbnail scratching idly at an unseen spot as he carefully avoided Kaidan's gaze.

 

Kaidan took his hand, twining their fingers together and brought it up to kiss the back of it. “I'm proud of you too, John. This place is a mess right now, but all these people get to live another day because of you.” Their eyes locked – brown on blue – and Shepard gave him another small smile.

 

“You helped... a little.”

 

Kaidan bumped his shoulder playfully. “No. This was all you. None of this would have been possible if you hadn't done it. I've never known anyone like you.”

 

John could only stare at him, blue eyes full of a peace that Kaidan hadn't seen before that day, a peace that John Shepard thought he would never know.

 

**

 

Shepard had been to Vancouver on a few occasions. The Alliance Headquarters was there, and with his performance at ICT and subsequent graduation as an N7, he had been asked to headquarters for various evaluations and citations. There hadn't been much opportunity to explore the city though. Truthfully, he'd only gone to that one bar, gotten pretty drunk, and picked up another drunk marine. The two had spent the night in a hotel in an alcohol and lust induced frenzy until they'd had to ship out the next morning. That was how most of Shepard's sexual encounters had been before. He sensed that now was not the time to mention that particular memory to Kaidan.

 

His body thrummed with that kind of nervous energy you get just before battle as he stood on the front porch of Kaidan's childhood home, waiting for his parents to open the door. The difference was that Shepard knew how to maneuver a battlefield. Meeting the parents was a whole new type of battle.

 

“They're going to love you,” Kaidan whispered, as if reading his thoughts.

 

“Yeah... Okay.”

 

Kaidan pecked his lips quickly before the door opened. “Kaidan!” A short raven-haired woman cried, standing on tiptoe to throw her arms around the lieutenant's neck. “It is so good to see you, honey!”

 

An older version of Kaidan, graying at the temples, stepped into the doorway now. “Son! Glad you boys could make it!” Mr. Alenko hauled his son into a rough bear hug, and Shepard smiled as he watched the scene unfold. It sounded cliché, but the older Shepard became, the more he realized that life shit on everyone in some way or another, though unquestionably, some people had it worse than others. He was learning that life was really about the little things that added up, replacing the shitty experiences with good ones, making them fade into the background more and more with each new addition of something light and heavenly. Seeing his love reunited with his family after months of chasing Saren was one of those happy moments that needed to be savored, cherished. In spite of his nerves, he couldn't have wiped the smile off his face if he'd wanted to, and when Kaidan turned to face him, whiskey eyes lighting up with sheer, infectious joy, some of his nerves faded into the background as well.

 

Shepard was introduced to Tom and Kate Alenko, and subjected to his own round of hugs, handshakes, and elated slaps on the back. Kate was a tiny woman – John practically towered over her – but it didn't stop her from essentially manhandling him into the kitchen, parking him on a bar stool, and grilling him about his life and childhood. He skipped over the most unsavory parts, not wanting to ruin the evening before it was even started good. The look of sympathy he received from her when he mentioned that he was an orphan was enough for him to shift focus to more pleasant things – such as they were. Pleasant was not a word that could easily describe John Shepard's life.

 

Dinner was magnificent – pot roast and gravy with mashed potatoes and honey-glazed carrots – and it was with great reluctance that John turned down an offer of seconds. It didn't stop him from gazing longingly at the pillowy pile of potatoes swimming in butter, however. Kaidan chuckled at him, “You can have more, John. It's okay.”

 

“I was trying not to make a pig of myself,” he said sheepishly.

 

“I like to see a man with a hearty appetite,” Kate told him, plopping a spoonful of the potatoes onto his plate before he could protest. This was a completely new experience for him. He couldn't ever remember being invited into someone's home to share a meal with their family, and there was more at stake here than there would have been in any other circumstance. These were Kaidan's parents, and more than anything, he wanted to make a good impression. Kaidan had told him just to be himself and he'd do fine. John doubted that, but having nothing else to go on, he was trying. Well, perhaps he'd cleaned up his language a little, and carefully avoided making any inappropriate comments – though he'd been sorely tempted a couple of times.

 

After another helping, Shepard felt like the button on his pants was going to pop off, so he pushed the plate away firmly, flatly refusing thirds, then they were free to sit around and sip their wine and enjoy the quiet conversation. John was enjoying the stories of Kaidan's childhood antics, and he was especially enjoying the way the man's face flushed in embarrassment every time John glanced at him and grinned. Kate Alenko was threatening to pull out the albums of baby pictures when Kaidan stood and said, “Let me help you clean the kitchen, mom.”

 

Tom Alenko stood as well, “Come have a drink on the balcony with me, John.”

 

Shepard knew it was a trap when Kaidan winked at him and smiled, and he shot his lover a dirty look before following Mr. Alenko outside. He took the proffered beer, twisting the cap off and downing a generous swallow. It was a beautiful evening. The last golden rays of sunlight were shimmering off the water in the bay, and the gold and purple sunset was one of the most spectacular ones he'd ever seen. It was early autumn, and the crisp air was just shy of uncomfortable on his cheeks. He would much rather be out here with Kaidan right now than his dad, but he had a feeling he was in for the obligatory 'what are your intentions with my son' talk. Also new territory, though he'd heard plenty of guys talking about similar experiences.

 

“It's really beautiful here,” Shepard said when the silence stretched uncomfortably long. “I can see why Kaidan is so fond of it.”

 

“I can see why he's so fond of you.”

 

Shepard blushed – though it was, thankfully, too dark outside to see – and cleared his throat, mumbling a thank you.

 

“To be honest, you're not what I was expecting,” Tom informed him.

 

“I hope that's a good thing,” John said, meeting the man's gaze with the help of the warm light spilling from the living room window. He'd stood under the scrutiny of many people in his life from his drill sergeant at boot camp to Admiral Hackett, himself, but no one's opinion of him – save Kaidan's – had ever meant so much, been so important. If Tom Alenko took a disliking to him, he had a feeling that Kaidan would find a way to move on without him. That was just the kind of relationship the man had with his family. Shepard was man enough to admit he was envious of it. Kaidan had been the first person he'd ever loved, who'd ever loved him in return. More importantly, Kaidan was the first to make him feel worthy to be loved, to help him see that his life could be more than fighting. He swallowed the lump in his throat, unable to quell the feeling that his future – his and Kaidan's future – hung on these next few moments.

 

The wait seemed interminable, but then Tom chuckled, “It is a good thing.” Shepard watched him take a pull from his bottle of beer, noting how very much like him Kaidan looked. Shepard waited patiently for the man to gather his thoughts. Waiting was familiar at least. Hurry up and wait seemed to be a way of life for an Alliance marine. “Kaidan said you'd had a rough childhood, no parents and all. And from what he tells me of you professionally, you're obviously unconventional. Though that seems to work for you. No one can question the results you get.” Another pause, intended to make Shepard sweat, no doubt. But John had been well trained in how to remain impassive in the face of danger or even torture, and so he sat quietly, waiting some more, casually sipping his beer. “And sleeping with a subordinate is well...”

 

And there it was. The other shoe, so to speak. Steeling himself with a breath, Shepard sat up straight and looked directly into Tom Alenko's eyes. He was man enough to take responsibility for his actions. “Sir,” he began, voice and gaze as steady as they'd ever been, “I am aware that our relationship is unconventional, but I hope you'll believe me when I say that I love Kaidan – with all my heart. I've never felt this way about anyone, and I certainly don't make a habit of getting involved with people under my command. But... Kaidan makes me happy, and I want to do everything in my power to make him happy as well.”

 

Shepard waited again, wondering what thoughts were going through Tom Alenko's mind as he stared down the first human Spectre. Status, rank, and title held no sway here, though. This was a man concerned for the well being of his only son, and while Shepard had no idea what that would feel like, he could still appreciate the sentiment. He would do anything for Kaidan, too. He only hoped that his few pale words would be enough for the man to understand. Shepard knew he could speak volumes about the impact Kaidan had made on his life, but he suspected that Tom Alenko was a man of few words. That less, not more, was what was required in this situation.

 

At length, Tom nodded his head and turned his beer up to his lips, then changed the subject to the latest bioti-ball scores. Kaidan found them some time later, arguing jovially over which team was the best. He took the chair beside John and cracked his own beer open. “Did I miss anything good,” he asked, sighing with contentment as the crisp, refreshing beverage slid down his throat, and Shepard didn't miss his real question.

 

John reached over and took Kaidan's hand in his own, linking their fingers together where they belonged. “Everything's good,” he said, giving Kaidan a small smile and receiving a bright one in return.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and enjoying and leaving me wonderful kudos and comments! It really makes my day to find that someone else has liked this enough to leave me a little feedback! <3
> 
> Find me on tumblr if you'd like: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan's world is turned upside down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I love you. Blame Bioware. Get a big effin' box of tissues. Did I mention that I love you? And I'm sorry?
> 
> If you want to make it worse, listen to Gravity by Sara Bareilles. It's what I listened to while writing it. :'(  
> https://youtu.be/rEXhAMtbaec
> 
> If you haven't done it yet, go to chapter 8 and check out the gorgeous artwork by the incredible FallingOverSideways! :) It'll make you smile! :) Which we all need to do after this chapter! :/

Kaidan reflected on the last time he'd stood here – back when it was Udina's office, and the galaxy was a less cruel and confusing place. Back when he was just a marine who still held an optimistic view of the future. Back when Ashley was still alive.

 

When Shepard was still alive.

 

Two weeks ago they'd been in Vancouver having the time of their lives, little knowing that it was almost over. Kaidan had shown John all his old haunts – his favorite burger joint that John said served the best strawberry milkshakes he'd ever tasted, an old dance club he'd frequented with friends and where John had danced in his usual horrendous fashion that never failed to make Kaidan love the man all the more for just for the effort. They'd even spent a couple nights out at the orchard. Kaidan had tried to teach John to fish, rowing out on the lake in his dad's little row boat, and they'd ended up tipping the thing over because John, bored of fishing, decided that a tickle war was the better way to pass the time. Then they'd hauled the boat back to shore, laughing their heads off, and fallen onto the sand soaked to the bone and made love like they had all the time in the world.

 

But they hadn't.

 

The Council had recalled him to hunt down geth. Not reapers. Fucking geth. And instead of staying there where it was safe and happy and they could pretend – and he'd always known it was pretending – that they were finished, that they'd won and everything could go back to normal, John had answered the call to do what was asked of him. One week ago he and John had boarded the Normandy together for the final time, because John Shepard would never turn his back on his duty. That was just who he was. It was one of the reasons Kaidan loved him. It was one of the reasons Kaidan hated him at the moment.

 

He waited for Anderson to finish his call, and the waiting had become the worst. Waiting meant thinking, remembering, longing, and useless wishing. Wishing for one more minute in his arms, one more kiss from his lips, hearing his laugh one more time. The Councilor's voice drew his attention back to the surface, away from the painful memories that were choking the life out of him. “Sit down, son,” he said kindly, and Kaidan's feet moved of their own volition until he found himself sitting in a chair across from Anderson's desk. “You look like hell.”

 

Kaidan blinked, not even having the will to acknowledge the statement, knowing it was true, nonetheless.

 

“Of course you're just an outward reflection of what we're all feeling,” Anderson told him, and Kaidan didn't even have the energy to call him on his lie. No one felt what Kaidan was feeling right now. No one else had cared as much. No one else knew what it felt like to love John Shepard and be loved by him in return. “But Kaidan...” Anderson went on, “Lay off the booze, huh? It won't help, and it's not a path I'd recommend anyone go down.”

 

“Aye, sir.” His voice was hard and gravelly and utterly foreign to his own ears. “You wanted to see me?” He'd been surprised when Anderson had asked for him, but despite the fact that he was numb from the neck down with pain and heartache, he'd come.

 

“I know this is hard on you, Kaidan. I know how close you and the Commander were.” That was probably true. They hadn't exactly been discreet. Not that it mattered now. “I have some documents here that you need to see.”

 

“Documents?”

 

“Shepard's will. He's left everything he owned to you.”

 

Fresh tears sprang to his eyes, and he was powerless to stop them. He had no idea how much money John had, didn't really care. Other than the retirement home, he hadn't owned anything. Sometime in the last few weeks, John had gone and had a will drawn up, naming Kaidan his beneficiary, and hadn't even bothered to tell him. Or maybe the timing had just never been right. Either way, it didn't change anything. “I don't want it,” he croaked, wiping his eyes with his shirt sleeve.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because it's not him!” He stood, pacing the floor to keep from crawling out of his own skin. Anger and sorrow and regret welled within him in equal measure until he was drowning in it. “It's not him,” he repeated. “God... of all the people... why him? He... was never anything but good and kind. He had suffered and struggled all his life, and the moment he finds some sort of peace, some sort of happiness, it's ripped away, so... suddenly. So... violently. He lived in agony, and he died in agony, and it's not fair or right, and having his things that he worked so hard for, just feels... wrong.”

 

He was stopped with a hand to the shoulder and felt himself being pulled into Anderson's arms. Unable to stop himself, he buried his face on his old captain's shoulder and wept. “That's it, son,” Anderson soothed. “Just let it all out.” So, Kaidan did, sobbing onto the man's shoulder until no more tears would come, while the man rubbed soothing circles on his back. “Kaidan, John wanted you to have these things. Don't dishonor his memory by denying his last request.”

 

His last request. Thinking of it that way humbled and shamed him. Pulling away, he scrubbed furious hands over his face until it felt raw, but he nodded just the same. “Yeah... okay.” What else could he do? Anderson waited for him to collect himself before passing him a stack of documents and a small box – the contents of Shepard's safe deposit box. Kaidan took them and stuffed them into his suitcase, telling Anderson that he'd see him at the memorial in a few days, then left. They'd decided to hold the memorial in Vancouver at Alliance HQ, so Kaidan headed for the transport station to catch his shuttle, spending the entire flight trying to think of anything but John.

 

His dad picked him up from the shuttle pad, and now even home was haunted by the ghost of the man he'd loved. They'd slept here in Kaidan's old room, and he almost wished his mom hadn't washed the sheets after their visit because then at least the bed would smell like John. There was nothing left of him, nothing tangible for Kaidan to hold onto. He'd requested and been granted a month of leave, so he unpacked his suitcase, setting the box and the documents on the nightstand and crawling under the covers. Most of the night was spent gazing out the window at the stars in the night sky, hazy as they were from the city's light pollution. Still, Shepard was somewhere out there, and just seeing it made him feel a tiny bit closer.

 

Sleep was fitful when he slept at all, and when the morning came, it found him sitting on the edge of the bed staring balefully at the box on the nightstand with blood shot eyes. Reluctantly, he grabbed the top datapad – the deed and passcode to the house on Intai'sei. He jabbed the code into his omni-tool and tossed the pad aside, reaching for the next one. Shepard's bank account information. Flicking it on, he choked on his own tongue when he saw the amount – well over ten million credits. He wouldn't have dreamed it could be that much. “Jesus, John,” he muttered. He'd have to figure out something to do with it. No way he needed that kind of money. He could set up a trust fund to take care of the taxes on the house. He couldn't bear the thought of getting rid of it, though he knew he could never return there without John.

 

The box was last, and Kaidan was at a loss as to what it might contain. Shepard had been a simple man of simple tastes and few possessions. Hell, even with millions in the bank, the man still wore military issue, scratchy as hell, underwear. The thought actually brought a tiny laugh. Inhaling deeply, he picked up the box and held it gingerly in his hands, as though it might vanish if he gripped it too tightly. Tears were already trickling down his cheeks as he opened it, and he sucked in a sharp breath when he saw what was inside. He lifted out the datapad and two wedding bands, letting the box itself clatter to the floor. His eyes swam with tears, making it difficult to focus, but he forced himself to read:

 

_Kaidan,_

 

_If you're reading this then I am gone, and I never got a chance to say all the things I wanted to tell you. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this right now, but I'm thankful that you are left with family and friends who love you and will be there to help you shoulder this burden._

 

_When I met you, I was just a soldier. I had given up any hope of ever having someone to share a life with, to make a life for. No one grasps the truth of the old adage, 'It's lonely at the top,' until they are stuck living that out day to day. I had closed myself off from meaningful relationships because invariably, I would get hurt, and you know that I was tired of being hurt. But you changed all that, Kaidan. It was you who made me want more than just a career. It was you who made me see that not only could I have more than that, I deserved it. No one ever loved me in my whole life until you came along. Thanks to you, I was able to die knowing what it felt like to love and be loved in return._

 

_I had wanted to ask you to marry me. I even went and bought rings, but I could never work up the nerve to do it. After meeting your parents, I thought it was right, and that they accepted me... us. But you know that no matter my courage on the battlefield, I'm pretty dense when it comes to matters of the heart. And so, I failed you again, and I'm sorry. If we were married, you would have at least had the death benefits owed to my spouse, but hopefully the amount of money I left you will be enough for you to be taken care of. That's all I wanted after I met you – to take care of you._

 

_The house is yours too, Kaidan. Go to the house. Remember me. Remember the time we spent there, even though it was brief. I need to know that I will be remembered as more than a soldier, more than a gang member, more than a filthy, molested child. I want you to remember what you loved about me. Remember that I loved you, with my whole entire heart._

 

_And after you have grieved, Kaidan, I want you to live again. To love again. To make a life with someone who makes your heart smile again. Promise me, Kaidan. Live and love again, for me._

 

_I'll always love you!_

 

_With all my heart,_

_John_

 

He was sobbing, blinded by his tears, as he slid the ring meant for him onto his finger. John's ring went on the chain with his dog tags, and Kaidan fell onto the bed, clutching the letter to his chest as he wept.

 

**

 

The memorial was brutal. His parents stood on either side of him, holding him up as Kaidan stared stoically ahead, numb all over. Dried out and empty, no tears would come as he locked eyes with the framed photo of John that sat on a table with a lone, burning, taper candle and a folded Alliance flag in a wooden frame in lieu of a casket. His body had never been recovered.

 

Anderson, Hackett, the asari councilor, and a few lesser dignitaries all got up and made speeches that were more about rallying behind the spirit of Commander Shepard to be vigilant in the remaining war against the geth than they were about John. There was little mention of who John really was, little said about remembering the man and not the deeds. Kaidan wanted to speak out on behalf of his lover, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He knew that he would crumble into a crying mess if he tried, so he stayed where he was, listening to what basically amounted to campaign speeches. Rather than honor Shepard's memory, they had all chosen to make his death their political platform. Kaidan was furious but impotent, paralyzed by sorrow.

 

Speeches made, the surviving crew each came to give him their condolences, and he thanked them. At least he thought he did. One by one, the attendees filed out of the chapel. A news crew had been allowed inside, and the whole thing was being broadcast across the galaxy. Mourners lined the streets to pay their respects to the man whom even the aliens regarded as a hero. It really was a shot in the arm for the Alliance. Already, recruitment lines were backed up out the doors. All Kaidan could think the whole time was how John wouldn't have wanted any of this.

 

When everyone was gone, he asked his parents to be alone, pulled a chair up to the table with Shepard's picture, laid his head down and cried until his head ached. A small cough drew him out of his fog for a moment, and he turned to see a small, aged woman standing behind him. Sitting up, he wiped his eyes with the backs of his hands, dreading dealing with another well-wisher. He didn't say anything to the woman, just looked up at her expectantly.

 

“Lieutenant Alenko?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“My name is Lucy Perkins. I knew... the Commander when he was a little boy.”

 

“The librarian?”

 

“Yes,” she answered, puzzled. “How did you..?”

 

“John mentioned you.”

 

“Oh... Johnny was always such a nice little boy. So sad, and yet so fierce.” Her eyes moistened as her tone turned wistful. “I always regretted not doing more to help him, but I always knew that he was someone special.”

 

“He was grateful for the kindness you showed him, Miss Perkins.”

 

She picked up the picture of John and traced an age-weathered finger over the sharp lines of his face. “So handsome. He was the prettiest child I'd ever seen, with those big blue eyes and that thick black hair. You always knew that those eyes could see right through you, bringing the truth to light.”

 

Kaidan chuckled, an unexpectedly light sound, “That was John alright.”

 

“He was always so inquisitive, so curious, so eager to learn as much as he could. And he was a bright little thing.” She reflected a moment before continuing, “And kind. I brought him some cookies once, and I watched him share with all the other children in the library that day, only keeping one for himself.” Tears were sparkling in Kaidan's eyes again as he listened. “Doesn't it make you question everything about the galaxy, lieutenant? How a boy as bright and kind and generous as Johnny could have had such a tormented life, such a tragic ending... At least he is finally at peace.” Tears streamed down the wrinkled face, and Kaidan drew her into his arms as they both let their sorrow overtake them.

 

When he felt like he couldn't breathe anymore, he stepped out of the woman's embrace. “Thank you for coming, Miss Perkins.”

 

“You loved him very much didn't you, child?”

 

“Yes ma'am, I did.”

 

“He was easy to love. I only wish I could have done more for him.”

 

“Miss Perkins, can I take you out for a cup of coffee?” Kaidan asked, a sudden idea forming in his mind. Blowing out the candle, he picked up the flag and the photo and escorted the librarian to a coffee shop down the street. When the pair were settled at a corner table with their drinks, he turned to her, “Miss Perkins, John left me a sizable sum of money when he died. I would like to use some of that to improve the library that he loved. Do you think you can help me with that?”

 

After an hour or so, Lucy Perkins left, and Kaidan felt like they had a good plan and something for him to focus on to take his mind off of John. He called Anderson next with the second part of his plan.

 

“You want to use the Commander's money to set up a memorial fund for him?”

 

“Yes,” Kaidan said. “I'm going to keep enough for myself to suit my own needs, setting up a trust fund to take care of the house on Intai'sei, but it's more money than I need. I have no plans of retiring any time soon, and... I know that this is something that would make John proud. He would want to help other kids who were going through what he did.”

 

“I think that's a very noble sentiment, lieutenant,” Anderson said, clapping him on the shoulder. “I'll make the arrangements. How does 'Shepard Memorial Scholarship' sound?”

 

“Perfect!”

 

It was the first step, a tiny one, in a very long and dark road to recovery.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By far the saddest chapter in the whole damn story. Not that the next few chapters are going to be sunshine and rainbows. The boys have a long, hard road ahead. Not sure if I've mentioned this or not, but I don't believe in sad endings. Sad middles are a different story, unfortunately, but I promise you'll be well rewarded if you hang in till the end! Thanks for sticking with me through the ups and downs! Y'all are such troopers! :)
> 
> The bit about flipping the rowboat was added late and inspired by this picture: https://ellebeedarling.tumblr.com/post/157525696554/comeheremybabypenguin-this-is-my-desktop-was
> 
> The amount of money John left was based off the max credits allowed in the game. 
> 
> Kudos, comments, etc. are like balm for my soul. Thanks a million! 
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan tries to start over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teensy bit of canon divergence in this chapter. Nothing major. :) Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Possible tissue warning. Nothing as dramatic as last chapter, but still. Also, brief (very brief) mention of contemplating suicide for those who might be triggered. <3

**_**22 Months After Shepard's Death**_ **

 

Kaidan stared at himself in the mirror. There was more gray in his hair now. It had been so gradual, he almost hadn't noticed it, but Tali had recently sent him a photo she'd taken of him and Ashley and John together in the mess on the Normandy, and there was no denying it after seeing that. He was going gray at just shy of thirty four years of age. A long, slow breath escaped his lips, and he wondered if he should have taken the time to dye it. Then he decided he wasn't that kind of guy. If his hair went gray, it went gray. Big whoop. Most people said the salt and pepper look was distinguished anyway. Who was he to argue?

 

It wasn't just the gray hair, though. His crows feet were a little more prominent, too. There were a few more lines around his mouth. Not laugh lines, unfortunately. Nearly two years of grieving had taken their toll on his appearance, that was for damn sure.

 

The first weeks and months had been pure hell. At home with his folks in Vancouver, he'd slipped into the same old habits he had after Brain Camp – searching for solace in the bottom of a whiskey bottle. His parents had been there for him though, encouraging him to seek counseling for his PTSD and depression, and it had helped. On the one year anniversary of John's death, he'd gone – at Admiral Hackett's insistence – with his dad to Elysium to cut the ribbon on the spanking new Shepard Memorial Plaza – an ornate and overpriced wedding venue that Kaidan couldn't imagine John Shepard being impressed with. That night, he'd finally confessed to his dad that there had been several times when he'd seriously contemplated ending it all – that the thought of endless days and nights without Shepard in his life had seemed too much to bear. His dad had been understanding – weeping with his only son and lending an ear as he'd prattled on and on about his memories of the brief time he and Shepard had been granted, and honestly, Kaidan knew how lucky he was to be blessed with the parents he had.

 

Somehow, day by day, as he'd put one foot in front of the other over and over again by sheer force of will, he'd come to a point where the memories weren't always painful. Occasionally, he could think of Shepard and smile instead of cry. He'd thrown himself into work, rising the ranks to that of Staff Commander. He'd started trying to make a life for himself, going out with friends, going home for family dinners, taking time off just to go fishing or hiking. Life was beginning to seem a little less bleak, though he still had his down days.

 

Using his thumb, he twisted the silver band on his left hand, a gesture he'd adopted as soon as he'd slipped the band into place that always seemed to bring him comfort – made him feel closer to Shepard somehow. His emotions were getting the better of him, and he knew it – nervousness, excitement, fear... guilt. He could do this. It was just drinks, it didn't have to be a life-long commitment for god's sake. He took a deep breath in through his nose and out through his mouth. Though not technically a date, the first time he and Shepard had kissed had been after going out for drinks on a night such as this. He shook the thought away. John was gone, nearly two years gone, and Kaidan deserved to have a life worth living. John, himself, had said he wanted that for him.

 

His gaze shifted from his own reflection to the ring on his hand. He hadn't ever wanted to take it off, but it would be hard enough trying to start over without that constant reminder. _What could have been._ With a sigh, he slid it off and dropped it into a box on his nightstand. Taking off his dog tags, he removed the other, slightly larger, band from its chain, and placed it gently with the other one. In hindsight he shouldn't have waited until he was supposed to pick up Dr. Michel in thirty minutes to deal with the rings. They brought a fresh pain, reopened a wound he thought sealed by the passage of time. He should have known better.

 

Despite his progress, there were still times when the memories left him just as raw as they had the day John died. Times when a smell, a song, the salty, smoky taste of bacon on his own lips reminded him so much of Shepard that it felt like he had died all over again. But tonight was about moving forward, finding a reason to live again. He closed the box with a sigh and placed it in the drawer by the bed, ignoring the bottle of lube that he always seemed to have on hand. The sight of it made him throb with need for a moment, but he shook his head. He wasn't going there. This was just drinks. Just a chance to get to know the doctor a little better and see if there was more there than just a mutual respect and admiration.

 

When Dr. Michel opened the door and greeted him with her thick French accent, he knew he'd made a mistake. He wasn't ready. Wasn't sure he would ever be ready. To make matter worse, she wanted to go to the Embassy Lounge. Kaidan tried to redirect her, naming a couple of other places they could go – he'd even suggested Flux, but she'd just laughed at him. No, the Embassy Lounge was her favorite for its high-brow atmosphere and quiet ambiance. Resigned, Kaidan hailed a cab and took them there.

 

By the time they had ordered their first drinks, his nerves had nearly gotten the better of him, and he had to restrain himself from knocking back his whole tumbler of whiskey in a single gulp. He didn't want to give the woman the wrong impression after all. He steered her clear of the table he and Shepard had sat at that night – just one night that had changed his life – and took up a table in the back by the bar.

 

“Have you been here before?” The doctor asked, her accent already more grating than charming.

 

He cleared his throat, “Yeah... actually, I have.”

 

“Oh, it's a nice place isn't it?”

 

“Yeah, sure. It's great.”

 

He tried to pay attention as she talked about her education and training, recounting stories of the more interesting cases she'd seen. She thanked him for helping Shepard and Garrus take down Fist's men and for dealing with her blackmailers two years ago. “Um... have you seen Garrus lately,” she asked.

 

“No, I haven't seen him in... hell, I guess it's been over a year now.” Come to think of it, he couldn't remember having seen Garrus since Shepard's memorial. “No telling where that crazy bastard is at,” he said with a wan smile. The conversation continued with him telling stories about some of their more bizarre missions – the one with the monkeys, in particular, got a laugh out of her. Inevitably the talk always came back to Shepard for him, Garrus for her. “This isn't going so great is it,” he said at last.

 

“No, no, it's... I'm having a lovely time, Commander.”

 

And damn if that wasn't the final nail in the coffin. He still hadn't gotten used to his new rank, though it had been more than a year. Shepard was the Commander, not him. He sighed, scrubbing his fingers over his chin. “Look, Chloe, you're... really nice. I just think... I'm just not ready for this. I... Shepard meant... a... lot to me, and I'm just not sure that I'm ready to move on.”

 

“I understand, Kaidan.”

 

“Besides I get the feeling there's another member of the Normandy's crew that you'd rather be having drinks with.” Dr. Michel blushed, and Kaidan let a laugh rumble free. It was the first time he'd felt at ease all night. “How about I pay for these drinks and give you a ride home?”

 

“I would be grateful, Commander.”

 

It still twisted like a knife.

 

He dropped the doctor at her door and didn't even bother with the pretense of 'We should do it again sometime.' Just said good night and left. Back home, he pulled out the whiskey – his and John's favorite brand – and drank straight from the bottle, letting the warmth creep through him, chasing the empty feeling in his soul away. Fishing the rings out, he put them back in their respective places – his on his finger, John's over his heart. When he was sufficiently numb from the whiskey, he stripped out of his clothes and flopped on the bed. The bottle of lube beckoned him, and soon he was stroking himself, lost in his memories of startlingly blue eyes and fierce power and tender kisses. It was the first night he cried himself to sleep in six months.

 

**

 

**_**2 months later**_ **

 

_There is a blinding light overhead. Voices and the beeping of machinery assault his ears from somewhere in the room. His breath is labored, and Oh God! He's suffocating again._

 

“ _Shepard! Shepard, it's alright! Don't try to move! Just lie still!” A woman's face appears above him, blue eyes, raven hair. Her thick Australian accent adds a harsh edge to her words._

 

_It hurts. Everything hurts, but all he can focus on is the welling panic. There's not enough oxygen in this room, and his lungs are screaming. He sees a hand in front of his face now and is vaguely aware that it is his own, but it doesn't look right. It's scarred and mangled, and... God, why can't he breathe?_

 

“ _We're going to lose him!” It's a man's voice this time._

 

“ _Another dose! Now!” The Australian woman shouts. Her face looks back at his, concern etched in her pretty features._

 

_'Help me!' he screams, but no sound comes, only the burning, rasping, gasping for air._

 

_Ever so slowly the darkness begins to return, blurring the edges of his vision as the room begins to fade. 'No! I don't want to go!'_

 

“ _That was too close!”_

 

“ _I told you your numbers were off! Run them again!”_

 

_The pain eases. Then there is nothing but the darkness._

 

“Shepard! Commander! Wake up! Get out of that bed!”

 

Everything hurts. That is his first thought. The Australian woman screaming over the comms is familiar, but he can't remember having ever met a woman with an Australian accent. He tries to sit up, gripping his side, as pain rips through his body.

 

“Get up, Shepard! Get to the armor locker and grab the pistol!”

 

His head is spinning, and the floor starts racing towards his face, but he somehow manages to steady himself. He sucks in a few deep breaths to ground his nerves, then lurches toward the locker. It feels like his legs have never been used before. With trembling hands he strips off the paper gown he's wearing and begins donning the armor that's provided in the locker, too out of it to realize how strange it is that a set of armor that feels custom tailored to his body just happens to be sitting in the locker by his bed – hospital bed, he realizes with a glance around the room.

 

Nervous tremors give way to practiced ease as the pieces of the armor click into place. His hands were born for this. The weight of the pistol in his palm is a familiar comfort, and something in his mind says that that's not normal. He's so thirsty, it feels like his throat is on fire, but looking around the room, he doesn't see even one cup of water. Then the voice is yelling again...

 

“The door's about to blow! Get behind cover!”

 

Then because it's instinct, he obeys, diving behind a stack of crates conveniently located in the center of the floor. The pistol is empty, so he gives his biotics a quick check, surprised by the force of the power that shoots from his hand. He touches the amp port behind his ear. It's tender. It's been upgraded. Training and muscle memory kick in now, and he peeks his head out of cover making sure the coast is clear before rolling out and sprinting toward the door. The next room is the same, sliding into cover, taking out a wave of assault mechs unlike anything he's seen before.

 

He doesn't understand what's happening. The last thing he remembers is suffocating or at least feeling like he was suffocating. One thing is for sure, though, wherever he's been, whatever has happened to him, he's woken up in the middle of a war zone and it's time for him to get the hell out!

 

**

 

“Shepard... it's... damn good to see you, son!” Anderson shook his hand.

 

The first thing he wanted to ask about was Kaidan, but he had to keep up appearances for the time being. Miranda was shooting daggers at him from across the room. She'd disagreed with his decision to run straight to the Alliance, but he'd be damned if he was going to work for Cerberus if there was any way around it. After listening to Miranda's indignant huffs and grunts with every question he asked, he finally turned to Jacob Taylor – the former marine who for some inexplicable reason thought that working for Cerberus was preferable to the Alliance. Jacob was certainly the more reasonable of the two operatives he had with him, though. “Jacob, I think Miranda would like a drink, don't you?” Shepard said. It wasn't really a question, and thankfully, Jacob understood it for what it was – an order to get Miranda out of the room.

 

“I need to talk to you somewhere safe, Anderson,” he said when the two were alone.

 

“If this office isn't safe then nowhere is, Shepard. Sit down and tell me what's on your mind.”

 

Shepard propped his chin on his fists and stared out across the Presidium. The last time he'd been here, it had still been a smoldering ruin. There was no damage visible from the Councilor's office now, however. “Cerberus rebuilt me, but I'm still an Alliance marine. At least I'd like to be. I have the ship. I'll gladly turn it over to the Alliance if they'll give me the resources I need to go after the Collectors.”

 

“The Collectors?”

 

“They're the ones attacking human colonies,” Shepard said, surprised by the Councilor's ignorance on the matter.

 

“Damn! That can only mean that they're working for the Reapers.”

 

“Looks that way. The Alliance didn't know?”

 

“Shepard, we haven't been able to get any intel on this. By the time we get to a colony, there are no traces of evidence and either scavengers or pirates have already picked the place clean.”

 

“I have evidence that the Collectors are responsible,” he raised his omni-tool and transmitted the intelligence to the Councilor. “What do you say, Sir?”

 

“Shepard... I can't, son. I'm sorry. I believe you're really you, but convincing the brass is another thing entirely. Besides... if the Illusive Man has given you this much freedom, then perhaps you can provide intel on other Cerberus operations.”

 

The Commander was thoughtful, nodding in disappointed understanding. “You know I'll do whatever I can.”

 

“I know that, Shepard. I'll get your Spectre status reinstated. Officially, you'll be working for Cerberus. Unofficially, you'll be working for me. Provide me whatever intel you can get your hands on, and once the Collectors are stopped, I'll see what I can do about getting you reinstated, okay?”

 

Shepard nodded again, feeling uncomfortable with the whole situation.

 

“But you can't breathe a word, Shepard. As far as the rest of the galaxy is concerned, you work for Cerberus, understood?”

 

“Yes, Sir!”

 

“Alright, now. You'd better get out of here before anyone gets suspicious. Don't come back here if you can help it. Contact me on this secure channel if you have any information or if you need me. I'm sorry I can't offer more support.”

 

“One more thing, if I may, Sir...” Shepard looked away again, missing the way Anderson shivered at his cold mechanical eyes. “Lieutenant Alenko, is he...?”

 

“Staff Commander Alenko is on a secret assignment right now. I can't talk about it. Not while you're with Cerberus, I'm sorry.”

 

“I understand, Sir. But Staff Commander? That's... amazing. I hope I get the chance to congratulate him.”

 

“So do I, John. So do I.”

 

Their eyes locked again. There was so much more they both wanted to say, but they didn't – couldn't. Finally, Shepard rose, shook his hand, and walked away.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, commenting, leaving kudos and feedback! I appreciate it ever so! 
> 
> If you need a sad song to listen to while you read: Never Be the Same by Red fits the chapter, in my opinion - https://youtu.be/H61hy7irX4M
> 
> I'm on tumblr: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan sees a ghost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... I promise things are going to start being a little less bleak after this, but for now, grab your hankies. Love you guys! :)
> 
> Also, there's smut, so if that's not your bag, skip the last half of the chapter! ;)

“You're standing in the presence of a legend, Delan.... and a ghost.”

 

There had been dreams like this. Kaidan would wake up and John would be lying there beside him, bodies curled together, warm breath tickling the hairs on his chest. Or he'd be in the kitchen cooking bacon and eggs in his boxer briefs, singing some old blues tune under his breath. Or Kaidan would walk into some unsuspecting place – a smoky bar, a bustling spaceport, a battlefield – and there John would be, blue eyes shining and full of love. They would embrace, tears in their eyes, and share a kiss that would rend the heavens. But always when he awoke, the dream slipped from his consciousness like a wisp of smoke.

 

His knees were knocking and his stomach was bound to drop clear out of his body, and Kaidan truthfully didn't know if he was asleep or awake. Maybe he was still trapped in the Collectors' stasis after all, but then, “Kaidan.” It was little more than a whisper, a gasp, a prayer. His name on those lips made his heart beat erratically, his stomach flutter to the point of nausea. He wasn't sure who moved first, but suddenly, they were in each other's arms, lips colliding in their own unique embrace, and that kiss was everything he'd dreamt about for more than two years. Soft and warm and perfect just like every kiss had been before.

 

Kaidan brought his gloved hands up to cup Shepard's cheeks, pulling him deeper, holding him closer, never wanting the kiss to end. All the longing, the heartache, the restless nights alone, when all he could think about was this man, this touch, these lips on his, it all welled within him until his salty tears flavored their kisses, and he chanced a look at Shepard, discovering that there were tears in his eyes, too. Kaidan kissed him again, harder, more desperate, wanting nothing more than for this moment to stretch into all eternity.

 

When they were both dizzy from lack of oxygen, Kaidan buried his face in John's neck, pressing tiny kisses against his sweat laced skin. “God, I missed you,” he whispered.

 

“I'm so sorry,” John whispered right back.

 

“Where...” Kaidan pulled away, and as he did and reality set in, the anger began to boil within him, forcing out the relief he'd felt at seeing John alive. “Where the hell have you been?”

 

Shepard took a step back, shoulders slumping in defeat, as though he'd known all along that the brief illusion of happiness couldn't last. His hands hung limply at his sides, blue eyes begging for Kaidan's patience and understanding. “I was in a coma for two years, Kaidan. Cerberus-”

 

“ _Cerberus?_ ” The word tasted like ash in his mouth, and he finally saw the two women standing behind Shepard. One was a busty brunette in a skin tight outfit with Cerberus insignia, the other a crazed looking thing who evidently thought that with enough tattoos you didn't need to wear a shirt. “You're... with _Cerberus_ now?”

 

“I need their resources to take on the Collectors,” he said quietly.

 

“I'd heard the rumors, but... I didn't want to believe it was true. You...? How _could_ you?”

 

“Wait, rumors? You mean you already knew?” The brunette asked with a thick Australian accent.

 

“It wasn't confirmed,” Kaidan said, starting to pace. “There were rumors in Alliance intel that Cerberus was behind the attacks, that you were working for them. I couldn't get any answers though, and Anderson stonewalled me. But it is true isn't it? You're working for them!” The statement was punctuated with a quick jab of his finger to Shepard's chest. 

 

“Kaidan, right now Cerberus is the only group willing to do anything about the Collectors. If they will give me what I need to stop them, then I'm going to work with them until this task is finished.”

 

“John, how can you say that? Don't you remember what they are?”

 

“It's the only option available to me right now!” Frustration crept into his tone, but it only served to strengthen Kaidan's resolve.

 

“What about the Alliance?”

 

“Don't you think I went to them first? Kaidan, you know me! You know I would only do this for the right reasons!”

 

“Do I know you?” Kaidan saw the hurt striking deep in those blue eyes – eyes that, despite the faint orange ring just outside the pupil, looked so much like the ones he loved.

 

Shepard didn't have a come back for that, so he just stood there, looking like he'd been punched in the jaw.   
  


“How do I know you're the real you? How do I know that Cerberus isn't controlling you?”

 

“They're not controlling me, Kaidan. They're helping me stop these attacks. Whatever they were in the past or will be in the future, right now, they're serious about ending this threat. The Collectors have to be stopped!”

 

“Maybe... Or maybe you think you owe them for reviving you. I just don't know, Shepard!”

 

“You could come with me,” the pleading tone in his voice whittled away some of Kaidan's determination. “Then you would see. It would be... just like old times.”

 

“No it won't,” Kaidan spat, refusing to give any ground. “I'll _never_ work for Cerberus. I know where my true loyalties lie! I'm an Alliance soldier and always will be!”

 

“You think I'm a traitor?” John staggered backward as though he'd been struck.

 

Kaidan's heart was torn. All this time he'd wanted Shepard back, but not like this. This... whoever this was, couldn't possibly be the John Shepard he remembered. “I don't know what you are,” he said, averting his eyes from the pain in Shepard's, but his anger was consuming him by this point. All he could think to do was say what was on his mind, to get it out before it devoured him from the inside out. To hurt Shepard the way he'd hurt him. “I don't know what happened to the man I loved, but I feel like you... you betrayed everything we stood for! You betrayed the Alliance! You betrayed _me_!”

 

And just like that, John was gone, and _Commander Shepard_ was standing before him – body rigid, hands clasped behind his back, eyes staring straight ahead, seeing nothing, seeing everything. “The Normandy is standing by with medical supplies and rations ready to be delivered to the colony,” Shepard said with clipped coolness. “I'll have Joker send down the shuttle. I can also send Dr. Chakwas, Garrus, and Dr. Mordin Solus to assist until the Alliance can arrive. Myself and the rest of the Cerberus crew will remain aboard the ship so as to put your mind at ease, Commander... _Sir!_ ” Then, Lieutenant Commander John Shepard, captain of the Normandy, Hero of Elysium, first human Spectre, Savior of the Citadel saluted Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko and waited for dismissal like a first year private. His blue eyes had hardened to flint, and the wall he'd erected to protect himself from Kaidan's onslaught was nearly visible to the naked eye.

 

Feeling like an utter ass, Kaidan returned the salute and watched as Shepard walked away, tagging the comm in his ear. The two women followed him to the other side of the field, though they both seemed content to give him some distance. When the shuttle arrived, Kaidan was torn between helping unload it or continuing to sulk in his corner of the field, watching Shepard. He decided to stay put, watching the crew unload the supplies, not sure how he felt about the fact that Dr. Chakwas and Garrus were there helping. Had all his friends lost their damned minds?

 

When the shuttle was empty, John boarded it without a backward glance, leaving Garrus, Dr. Chakwas, and a salarian behind to aid the colonists. Garrus made a beeline for Kaidan, shaking his hand before saying with a wry look, “I take it the reunion went well.”

 

Kaidan sighed, rubbing his temples. A migraine was blossoming behind his left eye. “No,” he muttered. “It didn't go well. What... what the fuck is going on?” He finally managed to meet the turian's gaze, found it to be hard and unforgiving, but he had to know. “And what the hell happened to your face?” he added as an afterthought.

 

“Cerberus brought Shepard back from the dead, gave him a ship and resources when the Alliance stonewalled him, and apparently his _boyfriend_ is acting like an asshole!” The look Garrus pinned him with was pure venom. “Oh, and I took a rocket to the face on Omega. Shepard saved my life, but... He needs you Kaidan! I know he _wants_ you up there on that ship with him. But, if I know Shepard – and I _do_ ,” his look was pointed now, weighty, “he'll find a way to stop these attacks with or without your help.”

 

“He's been gone for two years, Garrus! I can't just let him step back into my life like nothing has happened. I don't know who he is or if I can trust him.”

 

“If you would spend more than five minutes with him and actually listen to the things he has to say, all your fears would be relieved, but I know you're too damn stubborn for your own good sometimes, Alenko! I bet you didn't really even give him a chance to speak for himself.”

 

Kaidan sighed, willing the pain in his head away, knowing Garrus was right and that it was too late to do anything about it now, and just generally feeling like shit. “The Alliance is en route,” he said at last. “They should be here in ten to twelve hours. Tell _Cerberus_ that we appreciate their assistance.” He started to walk away when Garrus grabbed his arm.

 

“Cerberus isn't assisting you.  _Shepard_ is!”

 

“Fine then tell _him_ 'thanks.'”

 

**

 

Jack stared at the Commander until they were halfway back to the ship. “You're gay?” She finally shouted.

 

Shepard rolled his eyes, “Took you this long to figure that out?”

 

“Damn! What a fucking waste!”

 

The Commander grinned at her. “You women are all the same, thinking every cock in the galaxy should be yours just for the asking. But gay men like pretty faces and tight asses, too... and Alenko has a really great ass!”

 

“Sh'yeah he does!” Jack agreed, cackling. “Maybe when you two kiss and make up, I can watch.”

 

“I don't think so. But, maybe now you'll stop thinking that I'm trying to get in your pants and answer some of my damn questions!”

 

Jack snorted.

 

“I hope this isn't going to be a distraction, Commander,” Miranda interrupted.

 

Shepard looked away, murmuring quietly, “No, it won't be. I know what my job is.”

 

“Good!” She watched him for several minutes as he stared down at his hands, still in gauntlets. “And for what it's worth, Shepard, I'm sorry. This is obviously painful for you.”

 

He looked up at her, and thought that might be the first kind thing she'd ever said to him. “Thank you, Miranda. That means a lot coming from you.”

 

She cleared her throat, and said with a smirk, “And it _is_ a shame you're gay.  _You've_ got a great ass, too!”

 

He laughed out loud at that, and it felt like the first real laugh he'd had since he'd woken up.

 

**

 

Stars and blue streaks of dark energy flew past the window over John's bed, and he lay with his hands behind his head staring into the void, mulling over the day's events. It wasn't that he was angry with Kaidan, necessarily. He'd gone over and over it, the scene playing out on an endless loop in his mind, and he really couldn't blame Kaidan for his reaction. John might have done the same had the shoe been on the other foot. Understanding the reaction didn't lessen the pain of it, however.

 

Time was when Kaidan would have taken him at his word, and for John that was just a few short weeks ago. He'd never been as close to anyone as he'd been to Kaidan, never let anyone see into his dark, little world. Garrus believed him. Joker and Chakwas believed him. If anyone should have believed him, shouldn't it have been the man who knew him better than anyone else ever had? And that was what stung the most. That Kaidan hadn't even given him the benefit of the doubt.

 

He'd already memorized Kaidan's apology email, and decided that it really didn't help all that much.

 

_I guess I don't really know who either of us are anymore.... A lot has changed in the last few years, and I just can't put that aside... When this is over... maybe... I don't know...._

 

_Met a doctor on the Citadel for drinks..._

 

Kaidan had believed him dead, had tried to make a life for himself, and John was selfish enough to admit that it hurt him. That the thought of Kaidan with someone else during that two year span clenched at his heart like a vice. Kaidan had a right to try to move on with his life. Hell, he'd told him, himself, that he should move on after he'd had time to grieve. But the reality was that John wasn't dead, and the last time he'd seen Kaidan – kissed him, made love to him – had only been a few weeks ago – in his mind at least.

 

“ _You're looking rather dashing, lieutenant! Going somewhere?”_

 

“ _I am actually. I'm going to take my boyfriend on a date.”_

 

“ _A date?”_

 

“ _Yes, John, a date. You've heard of them I presume?”_

 

_Shepard laughed. “I guess we haven't really had many of those... not in the traditional sense, anyway.”_

 

_Kaidan leaned in to place a soft kiss on his lips. “Go get changed and let me take you out and show you a good time.”_

 

“ _Now you're speaking my language.”_

 

_They'd gone to dinner, and Shepard couldn't even remember what they'd eaten, just the heated looks they gave each other all night. Particularly when one or the other of them had to lick something off a finger or thumb. Kaidan's honey eyes, his smoky voice, those were the things that held Shepard captivated all night long._

 

_Kaidan had found a blues club, so they went, stealing whiskey-flavored kisses the entire way. At one point, he'd dragged the man into an alleyway where they'd lost themselves in lingering kisses until they could barely breathe or think from all their blood rushing southward, and as much as Shepard fought to drag him home, Kaidan just laughed him off and took him by the hand, continuing on toward the club._

 

_The musicians were all asari and batarian, and John always marveled at things like this. It was so easy to point out the differences in the various species. The things that separated them stood out starkly, but the things that were the same, the things that made the aliens more... human, those were harder to see, therefore more breathtaking when one found them. John stayed lost in the music, sipping at the glasses of scotch that Kaidan kept plying him with until he was tipsy and warm and more than a little turned on. When he caught Kaidan's amber eyes staring at him, so full of heat and love, he'd grabbed the man by the hand and dragged him, laughing, from the club._

 

_Once they were in the skycar, Kaidan set the course to auto-pilot, and threw himself at Shepard – a flurry of lips and tongue and teeth. John laughed, “Something on your mind, LT?”_

 

“ _I'm just ready to finally show you that good time I promised.”_

 

_Kaidan's lips moved away from his, down his neck, nibbling and sucking, and his fingers busied themselves with the buttons of John's shirt, lips traveling downward as each new inch of skin was exposed. Shepard tried to remove Kaidan's blazer, but couldn't get an angle with the way the man had him smooshed up against the door of the car. His frustrated huff earned a laugh from the lieutenant, who sat up and briskly ripped off both jacket and shirt._

 

_John's hands were on him in an instant, smoothing down the hard contours, scraping blunt nails over his nipples. Kaidan was momentarily distracted by the attention, but soon resumed course, kissing his way down the Commander's torso, lingering on his nipples and then the overly sensitive skin just below his now-undone waistband. Shepard hissed at the contact, gripping the lieutenant's shoulders, kneading the muscles there._

 

_The skycar stopped in front of their hotel, but neither man seemed to notice. Kaidan made quick work of removing the Commander's erection from his trousers, and licking a thin line along the vein from base to tip. John whined and bucked his hips as much as his cramped position would let him, and Kaidan chuckled. “Greedy!”_

 

_Rough fingers carded through the lieutenant's hair as he bobbed his head up and down on Shepard's cock. “Kaidan,” he moaned. However, just as he was starting to feel the heat building, spreading upwards, Kaidan stopped and rose onto his knees. Grabbing John's legs, he pulled him down to lay out flat across the front seat of the car. It was awkward, and uncomfortable, but Shepard didn't really care. By this point, his brain was so fogged by lust he probably wouldn't have minded if they were on top of the car doing this._

 

“ _I need to be inside you, John!”_

 

“ _Yes, definitely!”_

 

_The lieutenant fumbled with his trousers until they were unfastened and pushed down to his knees. Shepard's pants were clumsily removed. Longing and need fueled their motions, and when Kaidan looked up and caught Shepard's eyes, he stopped. John was spellbound by the whiskey-colored depths of Kaidan's eyes, just as he had been from day one. As Kaidan gazed up at him, eyes glazed with desire and full of love, John just had to kiss him. With a hand around the back of his neck, he hauled Kaidan up to press their lips together, slow and sweet, burning and hungry. Every kiss with Kaidan was unique. More than an act, it was an experience. Kaidan's lips were tender and sweet. Their tongues that had become used to working in harmony, slid together so perfectly, and filled him with a heat that shot straight to his groin._

 

_Breaking the kiss, Kaidan slid his lips along John's jawline, nuzzling against the unusually smooth skin there. John didn't shave often, but felt that tonight was a good opportunity to do so. Judging by the way Kaidan couldn't keep his lips off his face, he might have to start shaving more often.“Kaidan, please,” John breathed, and smiling, Kaidan moved to press a chaste kiss to first his lips then the heart-shaped scar on his chest. He groped around in the back seat for his blazer and dug in the pocket for what he was after – a little packet of lube. John laughed, “Always come prepared, don't you?”_

 

_Kaidan smiled at him sheepishly, then shrugged and got to work spreading his lover open. John inhaled sharply through his nose when Kaidan touched the head of his cock against his opening. “I need you,” he whispered. Slowly, Kaidan eased himself into his body, and John couldn't contain his moans of pleasure. When Shepard was ready, Kaidan slid out and back in slowly a couple of times, ready to take things easy, but John wasn't having any of it. Their eyes met, and he gave a little grin at the way Kaidan shuddered against him, knowing that his lover knew what he wanted and that Kaidan would never hold anything back from him._

 

_He set a blistering pace. John's head hit the door of the car with every thrust, but neither of them paid any heed to that. He angled his hips to hit that sweet spot inside John, and it wasn't long before Shepard was arching his back with a cry on his lips, spilling all over both their stomachs. “Fuck yes, Kaidan!” The lieutenant wasn't far behind him, emptying into his depths before collapsing on top of him until their breathing slowed._

 

_Later, curled around each other in the hotel bed, they laughed together at the look on poor Officer Lang's face after he'd knocked on the window then realized what was going on._

 

In the morning, John woke to find the sheets stuck to his belly. With a sigh, he rose and peeled himself out of bed. Time to hit the showers then move on to fight for all he was worth.

 

Alone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry to be breaking all the feels lately. Things do start to look up a tiny bit next chapter. And I promise I'm not going down the "Garrus and Kaidan hate each other" road. Tensions and emotions are high right now, and Garrus is just tryna help his boy out. :) Thanks for hanging in there with me. xoxo
> 
> You can come yell at me on tumblr if you want: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which two old friends have a nice chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heavy dialogue in this chapter, but we're making progress away from crushing pain to bittersweet. Hopefully you'll find this chapter a little more lighthearted than the last few. <3

“I need to get out of here, Shepard. To get away from all this!”

 

Shepard nodded slowly, “Okay, Garrus. I understand. Why don't you go grab a drink. Unwind a little.”

 

“Yeah, okay... I think that's a good idea.”

 

“Alright,” Shepard laid a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “Thane needs my help with his son, but if you need me, call me, okay?”

 

“I will, and... thanks Shepard, for letting me take that bastard out. I didn't know if you would let me go through with it.”

 

Shepard laughed without humor. “Garrus... I always like to find the merciful route if possible, but... you saw what I did to Finch, to Big Tommy, all those years ago.” He looked away from his friend, “I understand that the lust for revenge can be so overwhelming sometimes that, until it's done, there can be no peace. I hope I've at least given you a chance to find that peace, Garrus,” he sighed.

 

Garrus nodded curtly then turned to go. There were plenty of places a body could go if they wanted to be alone with their thoughts, and luckily for him, he knew exactly where most of them were. He had a favorite, where the whiskey ran cheap and the patrons were all there for the same reason – to lose themselves to the drink for awhile – so no one bothered to ask questions.

 

He ordered his drink and sat in an out of the way booth, pondering the mess his life had become. Sidonis was dead, but the guilt was not. But part of him wanted that guilt, the reminder of his failure. Hopefully the memory of those mistakes would help him do better in the future, and maybe one day, he could lay the ghosts to rest as well.

 

A human voice startled him out of his reverie, “This seat taken?”

 

Glancing up, he found a familiar face smiling down at him. “Kaidan,” he said with a nod. “Not at all. Help yourself.”

 

Kaidan set a glass on the table and took the seat across from him. “How are things going?”

 

Garrus shrugged, “Better than you would expect on a Cerberus vessel. You know Shepard. He's got everyone on board eating out of the palm of his hand. Even Miranda, and I'm telling you, she was a real hard-ass when I first came aboard!”

 

“Miranda?”

 

“You know, the one with the big...” He held his hands out in front of his chest and grinned. “Not sure how she's able to keep from toppling over sometimes.”

 

“Ah,” Kaidan said, chuckling a little. He took a sip of his whiskey, then found a very interesting spot on the table to investigate, “So... how's Shepard?”

 

Garrus smiled, cleared his throat, “He's good. Great actually. I don't know what the hell Cerberus did to him, but he's stronger than before. His biotics are more powerful. Hell you should see how he can blow people in half with a flick of his wrist. I'm a little jealous to tell the truth. Dr. Chakwas said the strength comes from the cybernetics.”

 

“Cybernetics?”

 

“He was dead Kaidan.” Garrus leaned forward in his seat, holding Kaidan's eyes with his own. “He told me Jacob Taylor said he was nothing but meat and tubes the first time he saw him. They did what they had to do to bring him back.”

 

Kaidan breathed a curse, taking a longer drink of his whiskey. “How did this happen, Garrus? I... want to... understand. I... God, I miss him.”

 

The turian nodded in sympathy. “It's a screwed up thing, Kaidan. I don't think Shepard understands it all himself. I wish you would talk to him about it, though.”

 

“I... just can't do that right now. I'm sorry.”

 

Garrus sighed, but understood. Given how difficult the past two years had been for him without Shepard in his life, he couldn't begin to comprehend all that Kaidan had suffered. All the same, he knew that the longer Kaidan kept himself away from Shepard, the harder it would be for the two of them to reconcile. He found he wasn't a bit above giving Kaidan a few nudges.

 

“I guess I'm not being a very good boyfriend, huh?” Kaidan said, propping his cheek on his fist.

 

“No comment,” the turian said, dryly, but he was smiling.  
  


Kaidan huffed a little, an almost laugh. “He probably doesn't even want to be my boyfriend anymore.”

 

“I wouldn't be too sure about that.”

 

“How... how did Cerberus get him? The Alliance never found his... body.”

 

“This is really a conversation you should be having with Shepard, Kaidan.”

 

“It... Garrus, I loved... love him. Shared things with him that no one ever did. When I saw him... those glowing scars on his face, and it just... it was him, but it was like some sort of twisted version of him, and... then Cerberus,” he stopped, clearly frustrated with his inability to put his thoughts to words, then sighed, “I'm just not ready to face him yet.”

 

With a sigh of his own, Garrus rubbed a hand down his face. “Alright Alenko, I'll tell you. Though I want to be on the record here as saying that I tried to get you to talk this out with _him_ ,” he huffed, wagging a bony finger toward the human. “It was the Collectors who attacked the Normandy. They're basically Prothean husks, used by the Reapers to prepare the current cycle for invasion. After he defeated Sovereign, the Reapers sent the Collectors to kill Shepard. They had made a deal with the Shadow Broker to recover his body from the wreckage. We still don't know what the hell they planned to do with it, but... this isn't going to be easy to swallow, Kaidan,” the turian said, looking directly into Kaidan's eyes. “I don't know how, when, or why, but somehow Liara got in contact with Cerberus. She found out that the Shadow Broker got Shepard's body, and she agreed to give it to Cerberus if they could bring him back. She and a drell broke into the base where his body was being kept, awaiting transport to the Collectors, and stole it, giving it to the Illusive Man.”

 

Kaidan muttered another curse, drained his glass, and waved at the waitress for another. “Fuck,” he said again. “He was... he was really dead? I just assumed...”

 

“The whole damn thing is pretty morbid and creepy to me,” Garrus admitted. “But... I feel like things would have been a lot worse if the Collectors had gotten him. Cerberus brought him back, Kaidan! He's still pretty much the same old Shepard – a little tougher, a lot more jaded, but still him. If the Reapers had gotten a hold of him,” he paused, sipping his drink with a grimace, “I feel sure they would have turned him into some sort of aberration and unleashed him on an unsuspecting galaxy. I... don't even want to think about it.”

 

Kaidan shuddered. He'd always known they were contending with forces beyond his comprehension, but this insane glimpse into the scope and magnitude of it was... overwhelming to say the least. To think of John being turned into a monster bent on the destruction of a galaxy he'd fought so hard to save was... nauseating. His thoughts were interrupted by a ping on Garrus' omni-tool.

 

“Sorry, it's Shepard. Hang on just a minute.”

 

The turian opened the connection, and John's face popped up on the display. Garrus didn't try to hide it, and Kaidan could tell from the holographic image that the scars he'd had on Horizon were all healed now. It was a relief. He sat where he could see and hear the conversation, but Shepard couldn't see him.

 

“Shepard,” the turian drawled.

 

“ _Hey, Garrus,”_ Shepard's deep baritone warmed Kaidan to his toes, and he had to stifle a sob of longing. _“Just finished with Thane's son. They're at C-Sec HQ right now. Bailey gave them a room to try to talk it out.”_

 

“You stopped the assassination?”

 

“ _Yeah, though that asshole deserved to get shot. Damn racist bastard. Maybe since a human saved his life, he'll think twice before spreading his propaganda next time.”_

 

“I doubt it,” Garrus said wryly.

 

“ _Ha, yeah, me too. Anyway, I'm going to give Thane a couple of hours with his son.”_

 

“What are you going to do in the mean time?”

 

“ _Honestly? I'm thinking about going to see the new Blasto movie. I hear it's pretty good!”_

 

Garrus laughed – Kaidan smiled. “Those movies are the worst, Shepard.”

 

“ _True, but maybe I can catch forty winks while I'm in there. I already bought the gift shop out of model ships. I almost bought some more fish, but after that last fiasco,”_ his image shuddered. _“I'm just glad, Chambers was willing to clean the tank out.”_

 

Garrus laughed again, “Even helpless marine life is no match for Commander Shepard.”

 

John barked a laugh, _“They had a space hamster, but I thought better of it.”_

 

“Somehow I just don't see you as a pet owner.”

 

“ _Yeah... guess I'm better at killing things than keeping them alive.”_ Kaidan didn't miss the way John's gaze flicked away from the camera, brows furrowed in pain.

 

“Shepard-”

 

“ _I'm fine, Garrus. Just... feeling sorry for myself, I guess. Anyway, I found a book store and already had a crate of books delivered to the Normandy. Between those and the model ships, I should be able to keep busy when I'm supposed to be sleeping... The nightmares, you know...”_ He sighed. _“ I'm hoping Blasto will be bad enough to put me to sleep, though. I'm pretty damn tired.”_

 

“I know.”

 

As if to prove his point, Shepard yawned and dug a fist into his eyeball. _“So what are you going to do for the next two hours?”_

 

“I don't know. Sit here and keep drinking?”

 

“ _Maybe you should branch out. Find a nice girl to keep you warm for a while?”_ Shepard's eyes twinkled with amusement even in the holograph.

 

“Uh... yeah... I'll, uh...”

 

Shepard just laughed.

 

“Maybe you should do the same, Shepard,” Garrus suggested, trying to hide his smile at the way Kaidan stiffened in his seat. “All the women on the ship are crying every time you walk by now since Jack told them you were gay. But... I've heard that Crewman Hadley might be interested.”

 

“ _Ha, nah... I'm good. My fist and I have gotten real cozy lately. Besides, it wouldn't... wouldn't be the same.”_  It felt like a dagger in Kaidan's chest.

 

“Shepard-”

 

“ _But I have it on good authority that Kelly is interested in... how did she put it, 'holding you close and whispering everything's going to be alright'?”_ His voice went an octave higher in imitation of the woman, and Garrus laughed.

 

“Kelly is interested in doing that with everybody. She practically keeps a line going outside that storage closet in engineering.”

 

“ _I'm not sure how the hell she has time to do her job,”_ Shepard agreed. _“But I'm afraid of mutiny if I tried to put a stop to it.”_

 

“Oh, and I overheard Zaeed saying something to Jacob about your sweet ass.”

 

“ _Jesus, Garrus, please never use the words 'Zaeed' and 'sweet ass' in a sentence again. Especially when it's **my** ass we're talking about!”_

 

Garrus laughed again. “I didn't make it up. I only repeated it!”

 

“ _Even Samara was making suggestive comments to me the other day. She must not have gotten the gay memo.”_

 

“Well you did help her out with her daughter and all.”

 

Shepard shivered. _“Yeah, you know, there's something about a soul-sucking woman that is just... a major turn off. If I wasn't already gay, I would be after that.”_

 

“That bad?”

 

“ _Worse!”_

 

“Well, I guess I shouldn't have taken that rocket to the face then. Here I thought I was doing you a favor!”

 

Shepard laughed again, _“I swear this ship is like a hormone hotbed! I can finally see the value in those 'no fraternizing' regs.”_

 

“Says the man who bedded his Staff Lieutenant on the original Normandy.”

 

“ _Touche!”_ Shepard said, rubbing the back of his neck and looking lost for a moment. _“He'll come around, right, Garrus? I mean...”_ He ran a frustrated hand over his head. _“Hell, I feel so damn selfish. I mean, we're not calling this a suicide mission for nothing. It wouldn't be fair of me to subject him to that again, but...”_

 

“Well, the Collectors already killed you once, and all it did was piss you off. I can't imagine they'll stop you this time. We'll make it out the other side, Shepard. You'll see. As for Kaidan... I'm sure he'll come around... eventually.”

 

“ _Yeah... well, Blasto is calling me, Garrus. We ship out in two. See ya!”_

 

“Later Shepard!”

 

Kaidan sat in a daze, contemplating what he'd just heard. Garrus was content to leave him be, quietly sipping his own drink. “He misses me?” Kaidan asked at last.

 

“A lot.”

 

The other man just nodded his head. “Well, it sounds like the mission is interesting if nothing else.”

 

“It's not too late to come with us, Kaidan,” Garrus said softly.

 

“I can't Garrus. I'm sorry. I... I need to get out of here. It was good talking with you.”

 

“See you around, Alenko.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I love each and every comment y'all leave! They mean so much to me, so thank you, thank you! 
> 
> Come bother me on tumblr, I love talking to folks: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan learns a few things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These poor guys! I promise I'm going to stop torturing them (and you) soon! :)

_**** Coded Message Received**** _

 

_Classification: **Top Secret**_

 

_From: Councilor David Anderson_

_To: Staff Cmdr. Kaidan Alenko_

_Date: 12/09/85_

_Time: 0800_

 

_Subject: thought you would want to see this_

 

_Message: Fwd:_

 

_Begin Forwarded Message:_

_Classification: **Top Secret**_

 

_From: Lt. Cmdr. John A. Shepard_

_To: Councilor David Anderson_

 

_Date: 11/09/85_

_Time: 0936_

 

_Subject: Mission: Collectors; Status: Accomplished_

 

_Councilor Anderson,_

_I am writing to inform you of the Normandy's successful completion of our current_

_objective. Per our discussion: Collector base has been destroyed. Normandy_

_completed successful return passage from Omega-4 Relay at 0744 five days ago._

_Official resignation to organization known as Cerberus tendered (see attached)._

 

_Currently docked on space station Omega for repairs._

 

_Intel gathered from Collector base attached._

 

_Assignment for Fleet Admiral Steven Hackett to commence in two days time._

_Once complete, Normandy SR-2 will be relinquished to Alliance Navy, per our_

_previous agreement._

 

_Awaiting further orders._

 

_Lt. Cmdr. Shepard, J. A._

_Special Tactics and Reconnaissance_

 

_Attachments Available_

 

 

**

 

_17/09/85_

_0800_

 

Kaidan's head throbbed with the residue of yesterday's migraine. It had been awhile since he'd had one that bad, but this one had been a doozie. Two fingers massaged his left temple as he yawned and poured himself a cup of coffee, grateful for the habit of preparing the machine every morning after he'd cleaned up his breakfast mess. He wouldn't have been able to do it last night. He'd been in too much pain.

 

The coffee scalded his tongue when he took an absentminded sip, and he nearly spilled it down his bare torso as he jerked the cup back. Some morning this was turning out to be. He knew what was eating at him, causing his nerves to get the better of him, stressing him out to the point of the most ferocious migraine he'd had in recent memory. Kaidan had gone over and over that letter from Anderson. Hell, he nearly had it memorized at this point. Shepard had been under direct orders from the human Councilor to continue working for Cerberus and see this mission through.

 

Part of him wanted to be angry at both Anderson and Shepard, but they were both just doing their jobs. They'd both trusted Kaidan to believe in Shepard, to follow him, to have his back, and help him complete his assignment, and Kaidan had let them both down. Had let himself down. Garrus' words to him that fateful day on Horizon echoed in his mind even this morning. _If you'd listen to him for more than five minutes._ Garrus had listened. And Tali. And Joker and Chakwas. People who'd never known him before believed him when he'd said he was the real deal – Commander Shepard back from the dead.

 

He popped a couple aspirin into his mouth, washing them down with another blistering swallow of the coffee. Feeling in the tongue was often overrated anyway. At his command, the vid screen in the tiny apartment he'd been assigned flickered to life, and he ate his breakfast as the news droned in the background. The room he'd been granted in the officer's quarters on Arcturus was small, drab and metallic, and a cookie cutter copy of every other apartment in this building. Kaidan hadn't bothered with adding anything to make it feel more homey. Housing was always temporary for an Alliance soldier. Other than his starched and pressed uniforms in the closet, toothbrush on the sink, and the framed photo of him and John on the nightstand, there was nothing to indicate the place even belonged to him.

 

He flicked on the datapad in his hand and pulled up the message from Anderson one more time, eyes zeroing on one line of text: _Per our previous agreement._ Kaidan blew a long slow breath between his lips. Berating himself over Horizon and the implications of this message had led to his migraine in the first place. He needed to let it go. What was done was done, and no amount of wishing or regret or remorse could change it. A single name from the vid screen jerked his head up, abruptly ending his musings, and he scrambled for the volume control.

 

_Commander John Shepard, once believed by the Alliance to be dead, will be arrested after disembarking from a ship, the Normandy SR-2, which is currently docked here at Arcturus Station. Reports say Shepard destroyed a mass relay in the Bahak System, wiping out the entire system and killing more than three hundred thousand batarian civilians. Crowds are gathering near the gangway for a glimpse of the, now disgraced, Spectre._

 

Horror, disbelief, and confusion tugged at the edges of his mind, his heart plummeting to his stomach, as he watched the scene unfold. Normandy was docked here on Arcturus. Somewhere on this very station, this very minute, John Shepard was being led, in handcuffs, toward a waiting shuttle. Kaidan couldn't help thinking he looked almost regal in his dress blues, head held high, chin jutted out in defiance as he was propelled through the burgeoning crowd like a martyr to the stake.

 

“What the hell have you done, John?” Kaidan whispered to the empty room

 

Reporters thronged him on all sides, shoving microphones at him, shouting questions and accusations. Shepard ignored them all, expression unreadable to those who didn't know what to look for, but Kaidan knew him well enough to know – to see the anguish in those blue eyes, the shame in the set of his jaw, the fury in the lines around his mouth. The irony was not lost on him. He knew John Shepard. Would know him anywhere. Had known him on Horizon, but had turned his back on him anyway. And now it was too late to help him.

 

Shepard and the two MP's leading him disappeared into the waiting shuttle, and Kaidan flicked off the vid screen in disgust, slumping into his chair, when the commentary devolved into useless speculation and conjecture. It seemed inconceivable that Shepard could have done what they'd accused him of. Collateral damage had never been acceptable – to either of them. That could only mean one of two things – that there had been some terrible mistake, or that this new Shepard was not the man Kaidan remembered and loved. He found himself desperately hoping for the former.

 

His headache was starting to pick up steam again when his omni-tool pinged:

 

_****Chat Request Incoming**** _

 

_From: Adm. David Anderson_

_To: Staff Cmdr. Kaidan Alenko_

_Date: 17/09/85_

_Time: 0815_

 

_DA: I guess you saw the news?_

 

_KA: Yeah, just turned it off. What the hell is going on, sir?_

 

_DA: It's a fucked up mess is what it is._

 

_KA: You can say that again._

 

…

…

…

 

_KA: Did he do it?  
_

_..._

…

…

 

_DA: Yes._

…

…

…

…

 

_KA: Why?_

 

_DA: I'm not at liberty to say._

 

_KA: Understood_

 

_DA: But it's not what you think, Kaidan. Just give us a little more time, okay?_

 

_KA: Okay. Thank you, Sir._

 

_DA: Keep an eye on the news. There will be a tribunal in two days. Anderson out._

 

_**_

 

_Date: 19/09/85_

_Time: 1300_

 

 

The officer's mess on Arcturus was eerily quiet. Everyone held a collective breath, all eyes glued to the vid screen, as they waited for Commander Shepard's tribunal to begin. The migraine that had been dogging Kaidan for days had returned in full force this morning, but he'd fought through worse. His lunch went largely ignored as he waited to see what would happen. Led once more by two MP's, John was ushered into the committee chambers in handcuffs. A show was made of removing them, and Shepard took a moment to rub his wrists before falling into a perfect parade rest. The camera zoomed in on his face, and Kaidan winced at the vacant look in those blue eyes as they stared at some fixed point above the heads of the Defense Committee.

 

“Commander Shepard,” the head of the panel began. “The aim of this tribunal is to uncover the nature and purpose of the events you recently participated in in the Bahak System. Events which led to the destruction of a mass relay and subsequent death of more than three hundred thousand batarians. Do you deny that you were involved in this?”

 

“No, Sir.”

 

“Would you care to enlighten this panel as to your reasons for being in the Bahak System?”

 

“I was on a mission.”

 

“What was the nature of this mission?”

 

“That information is classified, I'm afraid.”

 

“Commander, you understand that your freedom, your position within the Alliance Navy are at stake here?”

 

“Yes, Sir.”

 

“Then I ask you again, what was the nature of your mission?”

 

“As I said, Sir, it's classified.”

 

“On whose authority?”

 

Shepard actually grinned and shook his head. “That information is also classified... Sir.”

 

“Are you taking this seriously, Commander?”

 

“Yes, Sir.”

 

“You are aware that you will be incarcerated if we cannot get satisfactory answers from you, are you not Commander?”

 

“Yes, Sir.”

 

“Then why will you not answer our questions?”

 

“I will be happy to, Sir... When you start asking the right questions.”

 

The group in the officer's mess gasped in unison, but Kaidan couldn't help but grin and shake his head. Typical Shepard.

 

“And what exactly would those questions be?”

 

“You have yet to ask me _why_ I did what I did.”

 

“Okay, then why did you do it?”

 

“To stop an imminent Reaper invasion.”

 

At that the mess broke into a frenzy of voices. Some were declaring Shepard's innocence on the spot, hailing him a hero. Others made snide comments about him being delusional. Kaidan sat numbly, straining to hear what else was being said on the vid screen.

 

“Commander Kaidan Alenko?”

 

He looked up to see an ensign scanning the crowd for him. “Here!” He replied, standing and taking his tray from the table.

 

“Admiral Anderson has requested your presence at HQ in Vancouver. Grab your gear. You leave in twenty.” The ensign saluted.

 

“Thank you, ensign,” Kaidan returned the salute, took his orders from the woman, and dealt with his food tray. He overheard whispered voices on his way out the door, _“Didn't he used to date Commander Shepard?”_

 

_**_

 

Kaidan paced outside Anderson's office, and when the door opened, he came face to face with the absolute last person he expected to see. John Shepard strode out of the office and waited casually as two MP's cuffed his hands behind his back. He looked at Kaidan then, shame and sorrow set deep in dark blue eyes, eyes that again pleaded with him for understanding. With an effort, Shepard wrenched his gaze away and allowed himself to be led out of the room.

 

Entering Anderson's office, Kaidan saluted. “At ease, son,” the old soldier said. “Why don't you have a seat?”

 

Kaidan sat, and waited for Anderson to get to the reason he'd asked him there. “Shepard is going to be locked up indefinitely,” the admiral said. “I'm telling you this... as a favor to John. He wanted you to know what was going on. Admiral Hackett asked him to rescue a Dr. Kenson who was covertly researching Reaper artifacts in batarian space, as a personal favor to him. She had been captured, and Shepard was sent in alone to rescue her. Once she was freed, Shepard discovered that Kenson was indoctrinated. She tried to kill him, kept him sedated for two days. When he awoke, he discovered evidence that the Reapers were set to arrive in less than two hours. It seems the Bahak relay was unique. From it, the Reapers could have reached every relay in the galaxy simultaneously. The only way to stop the invasion was to destroy the relay. He, uh... tried to warn the colonists, but it was too late. The Normandy escaped literally seconds before the relay exploded.”

 

“So why is he being kept in lock-up?”

 

“The batarians want blood, Alenko. Understandably so, and some of the defense committee want to give it to them. This is our compromise, and it's more for Shepard's protection than anything else. Here we can keep an eye on him. Make sure they don't try to kill him. There have already been thousands of death threats. One assassin got through before we were able to transfer Shepard here. Even from behind bars with no weapons or biotic amp, Shepard managed to kill the man. We will be keeping him here in the high-profile ward until this mess blows over.”

 

Kaidan ran a hand through his hair, “This is a fucking nightmare!”

 

“Tell me about it. I don't think I need to tell you that this information is as classified as it gets, Commander. If anyone finds out, I'll assume you told them. Understand? Right now only you, me, and Hackett know what is really going on. And you wouldn't know if I hadn't felt like I owed Shepard something for all the shit he's been through.”

 

“Understood, Sir.”

 

“Good. Do you want to see him?”

 

“I... I'm not sure, Sir. Can I get back to you on that?” He twisted the wedding band he still wore with his thumb. The other ring was still on his dog tag chain. He supposed he should give them both back to Shepard now, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

 

Anderson sighed. “Fine, though you owe it to him to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I'm done meddling. There's another reason I asked you here. You're being promoted to Major, and I have a job offer for you.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading and all the comments and kudos! Y'all are the best!! 
> 
> Here's my tumblr if you want to stop in and say hi: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the world stops turning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How's that for a cryptic chapter summary? :P 
> 
> Possible (probable) tissue warning, but take heart! We're plodding along to a reunion. Bear with me!

“Kaidan,” Kate Alenko eyed her only child with concern, “are you alright, son? You seem... out of sorts.”

 

He sighed and set his mug of coffee on the kitchen counter, leaning forward on folded arms. “I saw John yesterday.”

 

Kate touched his cheek, giving him a wan smile. “How did it go?”

 

“I didn't speak to him,” he shrugged. “I wanted to, but... I didn't know what the hell to say. Then he was gone and...” He stopped himself, picked at something invisible on the counter top.

 

“And?” she prompted.

 

“...And... everything just felt empty again. Anderson said I should go see him, but I don't know what to say to him. Part of me feels like I've just been such an asshole to him that there's no way he'll want to even see me, and I miss him... so much. But there's still... Mom, I just have so many damn questions, and you know, I'm still a little pissed about the whole thing.”

 

Given everything Anderson had told him and the messages he'd sent, Kaidan knew he wasn't really being fair to Shepard, but he'd spent two years mourning and trying to pull himself up by the boot straps to keep going. Two long, hard years of grief and depression. How was he just supposed to let that go and move forward? It had been months since Horizon, and he and John hadn't exactly left things in a great state. He'd apologized, sure, but Shepard had never even responded to that. Not that Kaidan had expected him to. The apology hadn't done much to open lines of communication. In fact, Kaidan had agonized over it for weeks and weeks after sending it, knowing that what he'd actually done was slam the door in the face of open communication. _When things settle down a little... maybe... I just don't know._

 

Kate watched the emotions play across her son's face. It wasn't her place to tell him he was being an idiot. It wasn't every day that your soul mate was resurrected from the dead. To push away love and happiness with your own two hands was foolhardy – to put it mildly – but she knew her son well enough to know that he needed to figure that out for himself. So, she held her tongue and set to work scrambling the eggs for their breakfast. It was going to be nice having Kaidan stationed in Vancouver for awhile.

 

Kaidan heaved a tired sigh, “Why the hell does it have to be so complicated?”

 

His mother smiled a little, “That's just how it is when you're in love, honey.”

 

“Very helpful, mom. Thanks.” He grimaced as he took a sip of the now cold coffee and dashed it into the sink. “Anything I can do to help?”

 

“Go find dad and tell him breakfast is almost ready.”

 

Kaidan nodded and turned to go.

 

“And Kaidan?” She waited for him to turn to face her. “Follow your heart on this one, okay?”

 

There was a long pause as he weighed what she was telling him. After another nod, he disappeared through the doorway.

 

**

 

Kaidan was going to go see Shepard... tomorrow. But tomorrow turned into next week and next week turned into next month, and before he knew it, nearly six months had passed. He'd gone as far as the visitor sign in desk before chickening out and turning to leave. But he was tired. Tired of running from his own feelings, from Shepard. This had gone on long enough. Screwing up his courage, he went to the prison wing of Alliance HQ, signed in as a visitor to the Commander, and took the short elevator ride up to the detainment center.

 

It didn't really look like a jail, more like a hospital, which wasn't much better, but still, Kaidan was relieved that John wasn't sitting in an actual metal cell with iron bars. A hulk of muscle-bound man stood guard outside the door to Shepard's cell. “Lieutenant,” Kaidan said, walking up to the man.

 

“Major!” Lieutenant Vega saluted. “Sir!”

 

“I'm here to visit Commander Shepard,” Kaidan said.

 

“Sir, he's sleeping now.” Vega remained at attention.

 

“At ease, lieutenant. Is he... decent?”

 

The mountain quirked an eyebrow at him then shifted uncomfortably. “I believe the Commander usually sleeps in sweatpants... Sir.”

 

“Then let me in.”

 

“Sir?”

 

“That's an order, lieutenant!”

 

“Aye, Sir!” Vega snapped another salute before opening the door to Shepard's room. “I'll just be... out here if you need me, Sir.”

 

“That will do, lieutenant.”

 

Kaidan entered the room and took a steadying breath. Shepard had been back from the dead for nearly a year now. It had been close to three years since the two of them had been a couple. Normal people would take the hint and move on, but not Kaidan. He still loved John Shepard, wanted to believe that he was the same man as before, and now, at this moment in time, he felt like he couldn't breathe if he didn't see him, touch him.

 

John was asleep on the couch, a book lying open across his stomach, a soft snore coming from his parted lips. Kaidan smiled fondly. How many nights had he lain awake watching him sleep just like this? How many hours had he spent just gazing at this beautiful man and wondering how he'd gotten so lucky? He bit back a sigh and glanced around the room. It was faintly lit from a lamp on the bedside table on the other side of the room, but he could make out enough details to see that it was sparsely furnished. The bed and table on one side. A couch and coffee table on the other. A treadmill along the back wall by what he assumed was the bathroom. A footlocker at the foot of the bed completed the ensemble. That was it. No frills. No fuss. Just like prison. Kaidan shuddered.

 

There were no vid screens, no omni-tools, just a couple of datapads, a stack of books and a deck of cards all laid out neatly on the coffee table. Poor John! He was probably going stir crazy in here. He'd already seen from Shepard's sign-in sheet that Anderson was the only person to have visited him, and that only once, months ago. He wanted to be angry that Shepard had been left in here all alone, but then he remembered that he hadn't been by to visit him either.

 

Steeling his nerves, he crossed to the couch and sat on the edge of the coffee table just watching John, fingers itching to touch him. The orange scars were gone from his face, but more pronounced wrinkles remained – crows feet around his eyes, creases around his mouth. Just as Kaidan's own lines and wrinkles were more from grief than laughter, he suspected the same was true for John. These were lines of worry and sadness, etched permanently into his skin, telling his story as much as the tattoos he'd had before.

 

There were still a couple of tattoos, Kaidan noticed. The tally marks on his left rib cage were there. The Shakespeare quote on his right was not. The heart-shaped scar on his left breast was there – glaring evidence of the man's brutal past. Didn't it just figure? He'd come back from the dead, discovered that he was alone, and the only reminders of the past he still possessed were of the horrible things that had been done to him – the horrible things he'd done.

 

A tear worked its way down Kaidan's cheek. He wanted to take Shepard into his arms. To kiss him and hold him and make love to him and tell him he was sorry and that he wanted things to go back to the way they'd been before. He settled for lightly tracing the brand on his chest with a fingertip. Shepard stirred, scratched absently at his chest, then settled back into sleep. Kaidan's hands clenched into tight fists on his knees to keep from touching the man again.

 

Time stretched as he watched him. There were so many things he wanted to say, so much lost time to make up for, and Kaidan sat there mutely while Shepard slept. The longer he sat, the more his resolve slipped away until he gave up all hope of being able to say the things he'd come here to say. “I'm so sorry, John,” he whispered, angry with himself that such a feeble attempt was all he could muster. “I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.” He swiped angrily at the tears that refused to obey his command to cease, then leaned forward to brush his lips against Shepard's forehead. “I love you.”

 

After taking a moment to compose himself, he spared a last, longing glance at Shepard's sleeping form and exited the room. “Don't mention to the Commander that I was here, lieutenant,” Kaidan ordered before stalking away.

 

**

 

“Did I have a visitor earlier?” Shepard asked as James settled on the floor across from him for their regular card game.

 

“Uh... no, Commander,” James lied. “Why do you ask?”

 

“I just had the strangest... Hell, I don't know... I'm sure I was dreaming.”

 

“You must have been, Commander. You ready to play, or what?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, come on.”

 

“I'll be glad when you get out of here, so you can pay up on all the credits you owe me!”

 

“I wouldn't count on it, James. I'm feeling lucky tonight.”

 

**

 

He had run ten miles on the treadmill. Usually he only did eight, but today he figured, _Why the hell not?_ and went the two extra. It wasn't like he had anything better to do. He had completed at least one hundred each of push ups and sit ups, and had moved into squats and lunges before he got too bored to continue. What he wouldn't give for a Blasto movie right about now! Actually, what he really wanted was to run out that door and never come back to this room. Ever. As in _never_. He hated the sight of it. Hated the view out the window. Hated the stale smell of the recirculated air. Hated the couch. Hated the bed. Hell, right now he even hated the floor.

 

With a growl, he flung the datapad in his hand across the room as hard as he could. It hit the wall, and the screen shattered instantly before clattering to the floor. He didn't care. He'd read all the books on it at least once. There were others.

 

He'd had no contact with the outside world other than the news James brought him, which wasn't much. The lieutenant was more interested in bioti-ball tournaments than galactic politics. He hadn't had any visitors, other than James, and James didn't count. Vega was more like a glorified babysitter, and Shepard was losing his mind. He'd decided that they were planning to leave him in here to rot, and he found himself longing for the Reaper invasion more and more just to make an end of things.

 

Yeah... he was definitely losing it.

 

Anderson had come to see him once. He'd nearly forgotten about that. Before he'd been locked in here, he'd practically begged – as close as he ever came to begging for anything – that Kaidan be allowed to visit him. Kaidan hadn't come though, and that was telling. The one time Anderson visited him, he'd asked about Kaidan. The admiral's eyes had told him everything he'd needed to know. Kaidan wouldn't be coming.

 

Sweat rolled between his shoulder blades, making his skin crawl, so he headed to the shower. Thoughts of Kaidan filled his mind as they did almost every time, and he stroked himself to the memory of whiskey-colored eyes full of love, desperate kisses, and hardened muscle underneath his calloused hands. He'd tried thinking of other things, people, even James – because the lieutenant was hot and John wasn't blind. He always felt guilty and ashamed though, as if he were somehow being unfaithful to Kaidan – the man who wouldn't even give him the time of day. He finished with a shuddering groan, one word whispered out on a broken sigh. “Kaidan.”

 

It would always be Kaidan.

 

The hot water washed away the evidence of what he'd done, and he slumped against the wall. How he could still be so hung up on the one man in the galaxy who refused to give him a chance was beyond Shepard. However much he wanted to let go, to let his broken heart heal, he just couldn't. Because deep down, he knew that Kaidan was right. Kaidan was still the man he was before. His integrity wouldn't allow him to compromise his principles to complete a mission, and part of John was jealous of that. It was a luxury he hadn't been afforded. Instead, he'd been forced to go against his own ethical code in order to stop a threat that was larger than himself. That Kaidan had stood firm, had stood against him, because of what he'd believed to be right only made John love him all the more. Kaidan was a good man. Of the two of them, Kaidan was the better man, and John damn well knew it.

 

In moments like this, he felt so weak. Kaidan was the hero - the one deserving of the accolades. Shepard may have stopped the Collectors, but he'd compromised everything he'd believed in to do it. He'd strengthened a terrorist organization headed by a megalomaniac. He'd murdered three hundred thousand innocent civilians – mostly women and children – in the name of peace. He didn't deserve Kaidan or his love, and that realization just made him crave it all the more. He sighed and switched the water off.

 

Shepard toweled off and put on a fresh set of BDU's. The ones from yesterday, along with his workout clothes, were dropped into the laundry chute. Tomorrow they would be delivered, freshly laundered and pressed. His food was delivered to him at regular intervals throughout the day. There was no one shooting at him or making demands of him. Compared to his time aboard the Normandy this really was the life. Except that he was bored out of his fucking mind.

 

Someone, presumably James, had cleaned up the shards of broken glass from the datapad, and his usual, bland breakfast waited on the coffee table in front of the couch. It was the same damned thing nearly every day – pasty oatmeal, powdered eggs, rock hard toast, and cold coffee. Gardner was a better cook than whomever was in charge of preparing Shepard's meals, but there was really nothing better for him to do, so he ate it – choking it down and washing it away with coffee that tasted the way he imagined motor oil would.

 

He picked up a new datapad and began to read The Brothers Karamazov for at least the third time in as many months. He was up and pacing by the third page. It was a gorgeous day in Vancouver. The sun shone brightly, and he could see the tops of the trees swaying in the breeze. Passers-by on the street below wore heavy jackets though, so he knew the weather was probably still frigid. Still, it would be nice to feel a breeze on his face. Even a cold, stinging one.

 

A little boy in the courtyard below, flying a model ship, caught his attention. He'd never seen the child before. There must be a new family in the base housing across the way. He watched the kid running through the grass, swinging the little toy ship through the air, imagined him making 'whooshing' noises, and felt an odd sort of longing in his heart. He wasn't sure if it was a pang of jealousy that he'd never had such a childhood, or just the plain old desire to be running outside, breathing fresh air. Either way, he was painfully aware of the fact that he was jealous of a six year old boy. This is what his life had devolved to.

 

He clutched the datapad in his hand even tighter, unable to tear his eyes away from the child playing below. “Commander,” he heard from behind him, and he sighed.

 

“You're not supposed to call me that anymore, James, remember?”

 

“Not supposed to salute you either.”

 

Shepard couldn't help the small smile as he turned to face the lieutenant, snapping a crisp salute. “What's up?”

 

“Defense committee has asked to see you, Sir.”

 

The defense committee had long ago given up on getting a straight answer from Shepard. He hadn't had to speak to them in at least three months. He wouldn't sell Hackett out, no matter what they did to him. He'd had his orders. He'd followed them. He'd saved their asses whether they would see that or not. Something must be wrong if they wanted to see him. “What's going on?” His chest was suddenly full of sinking dread.

 

“Couldn't say. They just told me they needed to see you.”

 

John followed the lieutenant out of the room, easily matching his brisk pace. There were people everywhere, scurrying about in a panic. Dread gave way to terror, and when he saw Anderson barreling toward him on an intercept trajectory, he knew.

 

The Reapers had come.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Thanks for all the comments and kudos! I'm just overwhelmed by all the love y'all have shown me! 
> 
> Next chapter will be a reunion... finally! Thanks for hanging in!
> 
> Come see me on tumblr if you're so inclined: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan is injured, and Shepard doesn't handle it very well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I promised a reunion, and this is probably not what you were expecting. Here we are, however, finally on the road to reconciliation. :)
> 
> Grab your tissues! And I think that's the last time I'm going to have to say that for awhile! yay!

Kaidan's unconscious body lay sprawled on the examination table in Normandy's med-bay, and Shepard scowled at it as if he could heal Kaidan's wounds by sheer force of will. The universe and everything in it could go to hell for all he cared. The only person he'd ever loved, the only thing he cared anything about at all, lay dying before his very eyes, and there wasn't a goddamned thing he could do about it. Screaming, cursing, begging, pleading would do no good, so instead he stared, heart hung in his throat, mind numb with pain.

 

“Kaidan needs medical attention!” Liara's voice sounded so distant, and Shepard didn't even glance at her. “We need to get out of the Sol System!” She tried again.

 

“I know!” He shouted – not at Liara but at someone, whomever would hear him and spare him this agony. Everything he'd suffered in the last year – waking up and finding out he was alone, fighting like hell to save the colonists while everyone he cared about treated him like a pariah, being separated from the man he loved – all of it paled to the anguish he felt as he watched Kaidan fighting for his life.

 

“The Citadel is our best chance to help him!” She moved her face into his view, but his eyes were focused on Kaidan. “Shepard! … _John!_ ”

 

This had to be a nightmare. There was no way they'd come this far, they'd come so close to some sort of resolution, only to have Kaidan die now. Shepard resisted the urge to pinch himself, resisted the urge to fling himself across Kaidan's body and weep. His voice sounded alien to his own ears as he croaked Liara's name – broken and desperate.

 

“Kaidan's going to be fine, but we have to get out of here,” she told him.

 

Instinct and training took over, and Shepard nodded slowly before barking the order to Joker to get them to the Citadel. “Admiral Hackett is hailing us on vid comm,” Joker informed him, quiet and reverent for once in his damned life. Shepard cursed under his breath and ran a gentle hand over Kaidan's forehead, fighting back his tears. “See what you can find out from that... thing,” he said, voice bleak and shoulders slumped and feeling utterly defeated. It took every ounce of strength he possessed to turn his back on Kaidan and do what was expected of him.

 

**

 

For six months, James had played babysitter to the first human Spectre. Not a bad gig all in all. Shepard was cool. What was not cool was now playing babysitter to an inert robot and a nearly dead major, while the rest of humanity fought for its very existence. Shepard had mentioned someone he cared for a time or two – only in passing, and only after James had sneaked him a bottle of bourbon a couple times. There had never been any details about Shepard's lover, other than the fact that he was a man, a fellow marine, and made one hell of a steak and bacon sandwich. Hearing their argument on Mars and seeing Shepard's reaction when Major Alenko was hurt connected a few dots for James.

 

He jumped when the door to the med-bay swished open and Shepard blew through like a hurricane, moving so fast he actually knocked some datapads from the desk into the floor. The man didn't even bother with picking them up. Hell, he may not have even realized he'd done it. All his focus was on the Major. There was already a stool on the opposite side of Alenko's bed, so Shepard went there, picking the man's left hand up and cradling it in his. If the Commander was even aware that James was still in the room, he didn't let on. He only had eyes for Alenko.

 

Gentle fingers brushed across the Major's forehead before smoothing over the man's blood-matted hair. A tear slid down his nose, and James knew that he was intruding on a private moment. He couldn't bring himself to turn away, however. Shepard's eyes were fixed upon the man on the bed, knuckles caressing the Major's cheek softly. “Kaidan,” he whispered, “please just hold on.”

 

Shepard pinched the bridge of his nose, Alenko's hand held loosely in his own, and sighed loudly. His lips began moving, but no sound was coming out. James wouldn't have taken the Commander for a religious man, but he certainly seemed to be praying. James figured maybe he would be too in Shepard's situation. When he opened his eyes, there was a weak smile on his face. “I asked Ash to help us,” he murmured. “I like to think she's keeping an eye on us, don't you?”

 

He was quiet for a few minutes, watching the rise and fall of Alenko's chest, a hand smoothing reverently down the man's arm and torso. “Remember that time we went dancing? Me, you, and Ash? God, she laughed at me for weeks after that,” he chuckled and tucked a lock of hair behind the man's ear. “But, I never told you what she said about _your_ dancing. I always tried to tell you that you sucked at it.” Shepard was smiling in earnest now, remembering the night, remembering the Major's dancing. Probably a little of both, James thought.

 

“I miss her, don't you?” Shepard asked, smile fading to a frown. “This... this fight has taken so much from us already, Kaid. I don't know what I'd do if it took you, too.” He looked at the Major's hand lying limply in his own, then set to work removing Alenko's glove. As soon as he glimpsed the man's bare hand, he sucked in a sharp breath, then let out a choked sob. “Kaidan,” he ground through clenched teeth, “you... stubborn, fucking bastard!” He lifted the Major's hand to his lips and toyed with a silver wedding band on the man's ring finger.

 

Shepard linked his fingers with Alenko's and stood, looming over the man and glaring at him. “Goddamnit I wish your stubborn ass was awake right this minute!” He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the Major's lips, then resting their foreheads together. His voice was a gravelly whisper when he spoke again. “Don't you dare fucking die on me, Kaidan! Put that damn stubbornness to good use for a change, and use it to fight your way back to me. Because we have a _lot_ to talk about!” More tears fell onto the Major's face, and Shepard swiped at his eyes angrily.

 

He sat with a thud on the stool, gripping the Major's hand until his knuckles were white and holding it against his cheek. Eventually, he laid his head on the table beside the Major and drifted off to sleep.

 

James was still standing guard what had to be hours later when the asari came back into the room. She stroked the Commander's stubbly head with a fond smile on her face. “Shepard,” she whispered, giving him a gentle shake. He was alert and on his feet in an instant. “We're docking with the Citadel now, Commander.”

 

Shepard looked down at the Major one more time, and gave his fingers a gentle squeeze. “Call ahead and let them know we need a medical team waiting for us, and see if you can find Chakwas,” Shepard said, striding toward the door. “James, with me!”

 

Vega followed the Commander and Dr. T'soni to the elevator. Shepard leaned against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest, gaze downcast. “He's going to be alright, Shepard,” the asari said.

 

“He damn well better be!”

 

“Shepard-”

 

“He hasn't even spoken to me in nearly a year, Liara. I tried to fucking make him understand on Horizon, but he cussed me out, called me a traitor, said I betrayed him! It was more of the same bullshit on Mars, and I was so furious with him. But then that... damned robot and... _fuck_!” Blue light washed over his body, fizzling and cracking. “He's wearing the wedding band I left in my safe deposit box. I... shit, I'm such a fucking coward! I was going to ask him before, but I could never work up the damn nerve.”

 

“There's not a cowardly bone in your body, Shepard.”

 

“Then what the fuck do you call it when I couldn't even screw up enough courage to ask my boyfriend to marry me?” He sighed, and rubbed the top of his head in agitation. “I left the wedding bands and a letter for him, willed him all my possessions, and now... Has he been wearing it the whole time?”

 

“I don't know, Shepard,” she said, tears streaming down her face. “I haven't seen Kaidan since... your memorial.”

 

“If he cared enough to wear that damn ring, then why the _fuck_ hasn't he talked to me?” With a feral yell, he punched the elevator wall, leaving a dent in his wake, and James realized that this was the slowest elevator in the galaxy.

 

“Shepard, this isn't helping.”

 

“Like hell it isn't! I swear to God, if he dies... damn his stubborn ass!”

 

Liara giggled, and Shepard glowered at her. If looks could kill she'd be dead, James thought, but then she said, “Well now, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?”

 

The Commander cracked a tiny smile. “You know I hate it when you use Earth idioms against me, Liara.” He huffed a small laugh, “Are you saying I'm stubborn?”

 

Liara just arched a thinly painted eyebrow at him.

 

“Well, we'll just see which one of us is more stubborn when he fucking wakes up! I'm gonna kick his ass from one end of the Presidium to the other!”

 

Loco, James thought. The whole damned thing was just loco.

 

 

**

 

The three of them followed the medical team until they wheeled Kaidan through the doors to the operating room. Shepard had spent the entire trip up to the hospital asking various questions about Kaidan's condition, yelling, making threats, and just being a general nuisance. James saw one of the asari doctors cast a pleading glance at Dr. T'soni when Shepard started back up after the fifth or sixth time the doctors had tried to reassure him that they would do everything they could.

 

In the waiting room he was no better – pacing the floor, sitting down with his head in his hands only to pop back up again and pace to the other side of the room. Every nurse or orderly who had the misfortune to wander into the Commander's path was cornered and pressed – none too gently – for information on the Major's condition. James noticed that Liara simply took in the scene with an amused grin on her face. Clearly, the asari was worried about the Major's health, but whatever the hell was going on with Shepard overpowered her concern. Most of the waiting period it was obvious that she was desperately trying to suppress a laugh.

 

Dr. Chakwas showed up, and Shepard insisted that she go into the OR to make sure the other doctors 'knew what the hell they were doing.' She and Liara shared a knowing look at that, and then he paced, chewing on his fingernails, until Dr. Michel came out to tell him that Kaidan was stable but still unconscious.

 

“Can I see him?”

 

“We're moving him to a room now, Commander. I'll let you know when you can go back.”

 

Shepard didn't stop pacing, though. James was the one who decided to try to charge the breach. “So, Commander, you and the Major...”

 

Shepard stopped and looked at him, his face a mix of worry and anger. “What of it?” he snapped.

 

“Well, he... came to see you one day. You were sleeping-”

 

“Major Alenko came into my room while I was sleeping?” Shepard asked. “Let me rephrase that... you _let_ Major Alenko come into my room while I was sleeping, and didn't tell me about it?”

 

“He ordered me to let him in, and not to tell you. Sorry Commander, but he outranks you.” The man shrugged.

 

Shepard's laugh bordered on hysteria. “This is un- _fucking_ -believable!”

 

“Shepard,” Liara tried, shooting a look at James. “I'm sure there's an explanation.”

 

“Yes, and I hope the Major lives long enough to tell me, because after he tells me, I'm going to _kill_ him!”

 

“No you won't,” the asari smiled.

 

“The hell I won't!”

 

“John, he loves you. This hasn't been easy for him.”

 

“Well, it hasn't been a fucking picnic for me either! Ugh... all the men in this damn galaxy, and I have to fall in love with the most damn stubborn of them all!” He stood staring out the picture window, hands on his hips, looking for all the world like a lost puppy and not the fearsome war hero he was touted to be.

 

“Not the most stubborn,” Liara corrected, and Shepard gave her a grunt of disapproval.

 

“Whose side are you on, Liara?”

 

“I'm on both of your sides! I want to see the two of you work this out. You were made for each other... or maybe I should say, you deserve each other.” Her eyes sparkled with mirth.

 

“You're hilarious, T'soni.” Shepard finally sat and held his head in his hands, knees bouncing in agitation.

 

“He's going to be alright, John. I'm sure of it.”

 

He sighed, and Liara sat beside him, a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “Give me an objective, and I'll complete it. Give me a target, and I'll destroy it. I've always been able to do anything I set my mind to, but this... I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin here. This is so far out of my element. I just... I want him to be okay. I want _us_ to be okay.”

 

“He will be, and _you_ will be. You just have to be patient.”

 

“I just hate feeling so damn... helpless.”

 

Liara rubbed his back in comforting circles until Dr. Chakwas returned to retrieve the Commander. Shepard was on his feet and practically running down the hall before she'd even finished saying he could go back to see him. The two women sighed and rolled their eyes.

 

“Have you ever met two more stubborn beings in the entire galaxy?” Liara asked.

 

“I don't believe so,” Dr. Chakwas said, trying to rub away the headache that was forming.

 

“Kaidan was pretty hard on him on Mars, but after this... I think they'll both put their pride behind them and try to mend their relationship.”

 

Chakwas huffed, “Well it's about damn time!”

 

“What the hell is going on?” James asked.

 

Liara smiled at him, looping her arm through his elbow, “Why don't you take me out for a cup of coffee, and I'll tell you the whole story?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, commenting, kudos-ing, etc. Y'all are simply the best! 
> 
> tumblr: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and Kaidan kiss and make up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally!! Yay! 
> 
> Also, I can't believe we're on chapter 19! Not quite halfway through this story (I hope you can stand to stick around that long!)

Kaidan blinked his eyes against the overhead lights. He felt heavy and thick, like he was floating in a vat of honey. Water trickled from the corners of his eyes, and when he tried to lift his left hand to swipe it away, he found it tethered to something. Panic flooded him then. Was he being held captive? He tried to wrap his mind around what happened, but the memories were a little foggy. Mars. He'd been on Mars with Liara and... John. They'd argued... again. He sighed as he remembered the things he'd said.

 

“ _Is this what they did to you?” He'd asked as they stared in horror at the mutated Cerberus trooper._

 

_Shepard's body was rigid, frustration rolling off him in waves as he spat out an indignant, “How can you compare me to him?”_

 

“ _Shepard I don't know what you are, or who. Not since Cerberus rebuilt you. For all I know you could be their puppet, controlled by the Illusive Man, himself.”_

 

_John had blinked at him in shock before his expression had hardened into one of anger. “That's not fair, Kaidan! Stop being such a stubborn, fucking asshole!”_

 

Shepard had a right to be angry. Kaidan had spent so much time mourning the man, then spent the past year pining for him only to push him away as hard as he could any time John tried to do so much as speak to him. After that conversation, Shepard had made sure to keep everything he said or did professional, not making eye contact, never even standing close enough for them to touch one another. And the rest of the mission had been completed with this stifling tension between them. Even Liara was exasperated with them by the time they reached the archives, and kept glaring daggers at both of them.

 

But how had he ended up here? The confrontation with the Cerberus robot. It all came back in a rush. The panic at the possibility of being a prisoner came back with it, and he tried to lift his left hand again. Whatever held him down refused to give way. However, he moved his right hand and it came freely away from the bed, so he used it to wipe the sleep from his eyes, mind still muddled with confusion. His tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth and his lips were glued together, so when he tried to make a sound, it only came out in a muffled, “mmpff,” then someone was moving beside him.

 

A hand was holding his, he realized as fingers tightened around his own, and another strong hand slid under his neck. A face loomed over his, and he blinked again at the beautiful blue eyes staring back at him. “John?”

 

“Shh... I'm here, Kaid. I'm not going anywhere.” Shepard squeezed his hand even tighter, using his thumb to twist the wedding band Kaidan wore, and he froze, eyes widening. He groped for his dog tags in alarm, looking for John's wedding band that he'd kept there since the day he'd found it in the safe deposit box. Shepard gave him a small, sad smile, and Kaidan knew that he'd already found both rings. “You've been wearing it all this time?” Shepard asked, and Kaidan nodded slowly.

 

John sighed and turned away, returning with a cup of water, and pressing the straw to Kaidan's lips. “Drink this,” he ordered, and Kaidan obeyed, letting his head fall back to the pillow with a groan. “You scared the ever loving hell out of me,” Shepard said quietly, after the cup had been returned to the bedside table. His fingers trembled a little as they brushed carefully through Kaidan's hair for a moment then fell away. John's expression could only be described as crestfallen, and soon, his eyes drifted away from Kaidan's as well. There was another weary sigh, and Shepard tried to release his hand. Kaidan squeezed tighter though, not ready for the awkward strain to envelop them again.

 

“John,” he whispered, tears prickling his eyes, and Shepard's own eyes locked with his again. “I... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, for... everything.”

 

Shepard leaned closer, lips almost connecting with Kaidan's cheek. “Don't be. We'll figure all that out later. Just... for now, know that I love you, Kaidan. That I never stopped loving you, and... I'll be waiting... whenever you're ready to take me back.” He did press a soft kiss to Kaidan's cheek, then rested his head on the man's shoulder, fingers still toying with the wedding band on his finger.

 

Kaidan kissed the top of his head, felt John shudder against him, and cursed himself internally for the hell he'd put the man through for the last year, whether intentional or not. His free hand rested on the back of Shepard's neck, thumb gently tracing the shell of his ear. “I'm sorry all the same,” he said at last.

 

“Me, too.”

 

“And I still love you, too.”

 

A soft sob – of relief, of longing, of regret, Kaidan wasn't exactly sure which – escaped John's chest, and he felt a few warm tears hit his bare skin. He lost track of how long they stayed that way – his mind drifting in and out of consciousness – but after awhile, John asked if he needed anything to be more comfortable. “I'm a little cold, to be honest.”

 

Shepard's back was aching from sleeping hunched over Kaidan's bed. If he'd had his way, he would have stayed by the man's side every second of every day since his injury, but once again, he wasn't afforded that luxury. In the week since the reaper attack, he'd already been to Palaven to rescue the Primarch and Garrus, and attended to an endless list of errands for the Council and Hackett – not to mention civilians who stopped him on the street to plead for his help. But on the nights they'd been docked on the Citadel, John had slept here – fingers curled tightly around Kaidan's, head resting beside the man he loved, willing him to wake up and be healed and whole. Shepard wasn't the kind of man to ever admit any sort of physical weakness, but even he had to acknowledge that it was taking a toll on him. On top of his backache, his joints were stiff and sore and his head throbbed, but he couldn't leave Kaidan. Come hell or high water, they were going to fix whatever had gone wrong between them, or Shepard would die trying to make it happen. That was the thing about love – once you had a taste of it, you just felt empty without it. And without Kaidan, John had very little in his life worth fighting for. All his life, he'd longed for someone to love, someone who'd love him in return. He'd finally found that in Kaidan, and he wasn't willing to go without any more.

 

Kaidan watched him stretch, admiring the way the movement accentuated his waist, and gave a shudder that had nothing to do with the temperature in the room. Shepard glanced around, and failing to find any extra blankets, stepped out into the hallway, accosting the first nurse who happened across his path. He lashed her so soundly that she scurried away looking like she might cry and rushed back with a large stack of blankets moments later, trembling and murmuring her apologies. Kaidan rolled his eyes and shook his head, but didn't say anything, while John spread two blankets on top of him. “Is that enough?”

 

“Yeah... it's good. Thank you.”

 

Shepard nodded, and Kaidan thought he would take up his seat again. Instead, John stood with his hands on his hips, refusing to meet Kaidan's eyes, like he simply didn't know where to go from here. “You know,” Kaidan said, “I think there may be room for two up here on this bed. We'd have to lay pretty close together, though.”

 

“Kaidan, I don't think-”

 

“Relax, John. I'm too weak to take advantage of you, and I trust you to be a gentleman.”

 

Shepard smiled weakly and toed off his boots, shucking out of his leather jacket. He was left in a pair of faded jeans that did delicious things to his perfect ass and a white t-shirt that was just tight enough to draw attention to the sculpted lines of muscle underneath. Kaidan shuddered.

 

“Are you still cold?”

 

“No, no... I'm... uh, warming up rather nicely,” he said with a smirk.

 

John blushed. “Kaidan, are you sure you want me to-”

 

“Would you get your ass up here on this bed?” Kaidan shifted onto his side, facing the window, which turned out to be more difficult than he thought it would be. He was sore all over. John panicked again, asking if he needed pain meds, but Kaidan just laughed. “What I need is to have you in my arms.”

 

Kaidan pulled the covers back, and John climbed carefully onto the bed. “These things really aren't made for two, are they?” He smiled and slid one arm around Kaidan's waist and the other under his neck, drawing him flush against his body. “Is this okay?”

 

“This is perfect.” Kaidan wrapped his arms around John, and laid his head against the man's chest. “I've missed this,” he murmured. “Missed you.”

 

John's fingers carded lightly through Kaidan's hair, “Me, too.”

 

Kaidan sighed, “John... after what happened on Mars... on Horizon, I just need to know, are we good?” He focused on the steady beat of Shepard's heart, the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest, both needing and fearing the answer to that question.

 

Shepard's hands stilled, and he tugged gently on his hair, forcing Kaidan to look up at him. “I want to be, Kaidan. It's just... are we going to be able to get past what happened on Horizon?”

 

“I hope so. I mean... I admit, I own a lot of that. You were standing there, and I just... I shut you down. I'm sorry.”

 

“I can't pretend that it didn't hurt,” John said, hands resuming their wandering through his hair and over his skin, “but I understood. I mean... I don't even want to think about what you've gone through since...” Shepard squeezed him tight enough to make him hiss in pain. “Sorry,” he murmured, relaxing just a little bit, unable to force himself to release the man completely. “I want to move past it,” he admitted. “I... want you in my life, Kaidan, so... I'm willing to put it all behind us... if you are.”

 

“I am,” Kaidan rushed to say.

 

John kissed him, hesitant and surprisingly gentle. Kaidan pushed in further, slipping his tongue over John's lips. With a moan, Shepard's lips parted, welcoming the intrusion, and what started out as a sweet press of lips grew more and more heated and desperate. John was the first to pull away, resting his forehead against Kaidan's, eyes shut tight, and teeth grinding against the growing tightness in his jeans. “Easy, Kaidan... I don't think now's the time for make up sex.”

 

Kaidan laughed, “You're probably right, I've just... its been such a long time since we've been able to do this.” He gave John a quick peck when the man hummed his agreement, and they settled comfortably into each others arms once more. “So...” he continued after a time, “Tell me about this merc who thinks you have a sweet ass. Do I need to pay him a visit?”

 

“Who... Garrus! Damn that interfering turian! Kaidan... I swear to you-”

 

“I was teasing Shepard. I trust you,” he sighed again. “I don't think I've been wrong about Cerberus, but... I've been wrong about you. You... I know they're evil and have to be stopped, but... they did bring you back to me, and...” His voice broke on a sob.

 

“I'm here,” Shepard soothed. “I'm not going anywhere tonight. Let's get some sleep.”

 

Kaidan wanted to protest, but his body betrayed him. As they lay in the dark, Shepard's strong arms holding him tightly, fingers combing through his hair, he began to drift off to sleep. With a yawn, he mumbled, “But you do have a sweet ass.”

 

**

 

“Really Shepard? You couldn't wait until he got out of the hospital at least?”

 

Kaidan and John jolted awake, arms and legs flailing in an effort to untangle themselves. He almost knocked Kaidan out of the bed trying to stand up and had to catch him with a biotic stasis, lifting him and easing him back down onto the mattress. He shot a scowl at their intruder – one of many intruders he saw as nearly the whole damn crew of the Normandy was crammed into the little room: Liara, Joker, Chakwas, Garrus, and James at least. “Jesus, Joker!” He ran a hand over the stubble of hair on his head. Their friends simply grinned.

 

“Joker,” Kaidan complained, “Yours is definitely _not_ the face I want to wake up to in the mornings.” He sat up, raising the head of the mechanical bed, and tried to sort out the mangled covers with Shepard's help.

 

“We all know who's face you want to see. Guess you saw plenty of it last night.”

 

“Is there a reason you all are here right now?” John asked tersely.

 

“Well, our Commander went missing in the middle of a war,” Joker said, secretly reveling in the look of guilt that crossed Shepard's face. “So we thought we'd try to sneak in here and catch him with his pants down.” He snorted at his own joke.  
  


Shepard huffed as the rest of the group snickered. “Funny, but my pants are right where they've been all night – not that it's any of your damn business. So, unless you brought me some coffee, get the hell out!”

 

Liara pushed forward with a bag of food and two cups of coffee. “I didn't know if you would be up for eating, Kaidan, but I brought you some breakfast anyway.”

 

“I'd be lying if I said I wasn't starving,” he admitted, “but I'd better wait to get the all clear from the doctor.” Shepard had his sandwich halfway to his mouth, but stuffed it back in the bag with an apologetic glance at Kaidan. “I didn't say you couldn't eat, John.”

 

“I'm not going to sit here eating in front of you when you can't,” he groused, pulling his boots back on. “But I am going to drink the coffee. Sorry! I love you... but not that much,” he grinned.

 

“It should be fine for the Major to eat,” Dr. Chakwas said, “but let me check with Dr. Michel just to be sure.”

 

“Dr. Michel?” Kaidan asked.

 

“Yes, she's been your lead doctor since you arrived. You haven't spoken with her yet?”

 

“No,” Kaidan admitted, and something about the way he held himself threw up a red flag in John's mind. _I met a doctor on the Citadel for drinks..._

 

John swore under his breath and averted his gaze, avoiding Kaidan's eyes. “I... need to hit the head. I'll be back.” He strode quickly out of the room, a growing dread in his chest that he knew was irrational. He realized he was acting like a hormonal teenager – he'd been dead for fuck's sake, but it hurt. Kaidan had said it wasn't serious, but what if... They still could have had sex without it being serious, and the thought of him with someone else, had his stomach churning in a way that made him glad he hadn't eaten anything yet. The fact that Dr. Michel was a woman made him feel inadequate to boot. It wasn't like he hadn't known going in that Kaidan was bisexual, it just... hurt!

 

It was moments like this that made him wish he'd never fallen in love. He was a soldier. He was good at killing things, breaking things. He didn't have that deft touch that matters of the heart always seemed to need. He knew how to put his personal feelings aside for the mission, to 'soldier on' as the saying went, but personal feelings _were_ the mission when it came to love. He felt like he was being a baby... and it sucked.

 

“Commander Shepard!”

 

He stopped and sighed. No time for him to feel sorry for himself. No time to worry and wonder and try to figure out what to do next. Another muttered curse, and he turned around, coming face to face with a drell.

 

“Thane! What are you doing here?” He shook the drell's hand and the two of them sat by some large picture windows overlooking the Presidium. They talked at length about the past six months since Thane had left the Normandy, about his hospital stay and John's imprisonment – which was a rather one sided conversation since nothing noteworthy had happened to John in that six months.

  
“I'd heard a member of the Normandy's crew was injured,” the drell said.

 

John looked out the window. “Major Alenko... he's doing better... much better.”

 

“He's someone you... care for.”

 

“You could say that,” Shepard nodded, then laughed without humor. “More than care for.”

 

“Then I'm glad he is doing well. I will watch over him for you when you cannot be here. Consider him under my protection.”

 

“Thank you, Thane. I appreciate that.”

 

“It is the end of my life. It's a good time to be generous. But tell me, Shepard, what is troubling you.”

 

“You know I've always prided myself on being mysterious, but it seems my crew can read me like a book,” he sighed.

 

“Not always.”

 

“I've just been thinking... my life... I mean... it's the most bizarre thing. I should be dead now. I _was_ dead, but now I'm not. Kaidan... Major Alenko and I, we were... close even before then. I was gone for two years, and he kept on living. He...”

 

“Dated someone else?”

 

“Are you a mind reader, too?”

 

The drell smiled, “No, Shepard, although I think that would make things easier at times. Especially in matters of the heart. Have you talked to him about how you feel?”

 

“Well, that would make too much sense now, wouldn't it?” He huffed. “I... just had to get out of there.”

 

“You know better than most that running from your problems never solves anything.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You will have to talk to him in order to move forward.”

 

Shepard nodded, then cradled his head in his hands. “I really suck at this.”

 

“No one is perfect, as you humans say. Go talk to him. If this man returns your feelings, then he will wish to have the truth out in the open.”

 

“You don't regret it, do you? Falling in love, getting married?”

 

“Not for one moment. I very much regret some of the choices I made, but I could never regret loving Irikah, building a life with her, however brief. And though she is gone, she is with me – in my soul, in my memories. Talk to your lover, Shepard. Don't leave room for regrets.”

 

“Thanks, Thane, I appreciate it, and if you need anything, just let me know.”

 

Now he felt like a whipped dog, returning to the scene with his tail between his legs. Thankfully, the crew had cleared out and Kaidan was lying on his side, staring out the window. “Feeling up to some company, Major?”

 

“Shepard!” Kaidan reached for his hand, and John took it.

 

“I'm sorry, Kaidan. I...”

 

“You put two and two together and realized that I'd gone on a date with Dr. Michel.”

 

John nodded, frowning.

 

“Nothing happened. I spent the whole night talking about you, and she spent it asking about Garrus – if you can believe it,” he laughed. “At the end of the night, I told her that I just wasn't ready to move on. I went home and thought about you for the rest of the night. Today was the first time I'd seen her since that night. After you left, she came in and said I was free to eat if I wanted to. I ate yours too. It was good. You should have had some.”

 

John laughed, “Thanks for that. I feel like an idiot.”

 

“Well, I wasn't going to say it, but...”

 

“I love you, Kaidan.”

 

“I love you too, John.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, about the dialogue change on Mars... I thought Kaidan's comment about Shepard being like a husk was a real asshole thing for him to say (and obviously, Shepard did, too!) So, I corrected the dialogue to reflect that. :)
> 
> Poor John! He's just totally inept at this whole dating thing. Though Kaidan is admittedly not much better. Thanks for slogging through all the emotional turmoil with me. Should be smooth, happy sailing from here on out, right? Uh.. yeah... we'll go with that! ;) 
> 
> Thanks for leaving comments and kudos! <3
> 
> Here's my tumblr, if you care: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> much love and kisses,  
> Elle


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and Kaidan attempt to have a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured I owed y'all a several chapters in a row of fun and fluffy, lovey dovey stuff! :) Enjoy!

As much as he hated saying goodbye, he had no choice. According to Hackett, he was the 'tip of the spear' in this war, and he had responsibilities. “Wish you were going with me.”

 

“Me, too,” Kaidan said, thumbs brushing over John's perpetually stubbly jaws. “But you've got a job to do, a galaxy to save, and I... I have tapioca to eat.”

 

John laughed. “Enjoy it while it lasts, Major. There's no tapioca to be had on the Normandy.”

 

“Thank god!”

 

“Get better. I want you out there with me.”

 

“Is that an order, Commander?”

 

“Damn right it is!” He pressed his lips to Kaidan's gently, teeth grazing the Major's lower lip. Kaidan moaned softly, leaning into the kiss, tongue seeking silent entrance into John's mouth, which Shepard eagerly granted. John groaned when Kaidan twisted a fist into his shirt and pulled him even deeper. “Fuck,” he breathed when they came up for air, “Kaidan, you're killing me!”

 

“Not a bad way to go though, right?”

 

Shepard kissed him again in response, deeper, searching, sucking gently on the tip of his tongue. Letting go of the kiss, he nipped Kaidan's lower lip between his teeth, tugging lightly. “John, I...” His words were cut off when John moved lower, nipping at the soft skin of his neck. Shepard stopped abruptly, using his omni-tool to lock the door and engage the privacy tint on the windows before turning back to Kaidan.

 

He nuzzled under the Major's jaw, nibbling the skin there, rubbing his nose against the nearly full, black beard Kaidan now had since he'd been unable to get out of bed to deal with it. “I'm kinda digging the beard,” John said with a laugh.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Mmhm... It's sexy as hell... Or maybe it's just you!” One hand traveled down the Major's bare torso, fluttering over each line of muscle, until he reached the bulge between his legs. “There seems to be some swelling here, Major. Let me take care of that for you.”

 

“Oh god.”

 

Shepard followed the trail of his fingers with his lips. At the waistband of Kaidan's cotton shorts, he hooked his fingers in and tugged them down, giving a growl of satisfaction when the Major's erect cock sprang free from the fabric. With a strong, calloused hand, he gripped the turgid length, squeezing just enough to make Kaidan arch off the bed. He watched Kaidan's eyes as he licked around the head. The honey-brown nearly disappeared as his pupils blew out wide. “John... you... don't...” John answered by sinking down over him, pulling his whole cock into his mouth. Kaidan bucked up into the wet heat. “Fuck!”

 

With his other hand, John began rolling Kaidan's balls in his palm. He was at the wrong angle to be able to take him into the back of his throat, but he took him as deep as he could, scraping his teeth ever so lightly up the under side of his cock. “God, John,” Kaidan panted. “I'm... not going to... last... much...” Shepard hummed around the cock in his mouth, and the Major bucked once more, grabbing the back of John's head and pushing him further down. “Oh, fuck!” Kaidan's bitter essence flooded his mouth, and John continued to suck him, milking every drop.

 

Blue light washed over both their bodies, and John released the dick in his mouth, eyes wide in panic – the Major wasn't supposed to be using his biotics after all. “Shit, Kaidan! I didn't think about that. Are you okay?”

 

The Major just laughed. “Better than okay.” He pulled Shepard down for a kiss, tasting himself in the other man's mouth. “That was so perfect. _You_ are so perfect.”

 

John cleaned him up and tucked him back into his shorts. “I have to go,” he said with another kiss and a sad sigh.

 

“I know. When you come back, maybe I can return the favor.”

 

“I'll hold you to that, Major,” he said with a grin. “Love you!”

 

“I love you too, John!”

 

**

 

“I expect an answer soon, Major!”

 

“You'll have it. I promise.” Kaidan shook Udina's hand, and the Councilor turned to leave the room. He passed Shepard on the way in, each man giving the other a disdainful greeting.

 

“Shepard.”

 

“Udina.”

 

“Shepard, hey! You're back!” Kaidan said.

 

“It's been a long two weeks, Major,” John said, stepping behind his back and wrapping his arms around Kaidan's waist. He pressed his lips against the other man's neck. “I missed you.”

 

Kaidan reached back with a hand on John's neck, pulling him just a little closer. “I missed you, too. Do I smell... steak?”

 

“It's possible. Since they're apparently never letting you out of here, and I can't take you on a date, I thought I'd bring the date to you.”

 

“Trying to butter me up, Commander?”

 

“Maybe... is it working?”

 

“Definitely!”

 

Kaidan turned in Shepard's arms, pressing a soft kiss to his lips, but when he tried to pull away, John brought them right back together, mouth hungry for more. “You shaved the beard?”

 

“Were you serious about that?”

 

“Yeah. Rugged suits you,” John nuzzled under his jaw line again. “But smooth works, too. Hell Kaidan, you always look good to me.”

 

“Good to know, Commander.”

 

John led him to the bed where a picnic basket sat. Opening the lid, he pulled out two glasses and a bottle of whiskey. “This still your favorite?”

 

“Yep!”

 

He poured two glasses and passed one to Kaidan. “To new beginnings,” he said.

 

“To new beginnings.” They downed the shots, and Kaidan stepped closer, stealing another smoldering kiss.

 

They sat cross-legged on the bed facing each other and ate salads, steak sandwiches and chocolate frosted brownies all washed down with Canadian lager and the occasional shot of whiskey. Kaidan told Shepard all about the Spectre offer, and John encouraged him to accept it even though it meant a further delay before Kaidan could join him on the Normandy.

 

“This is too important an opportunity to turn it down, Kaidan,” he said, leaning in to kiss a bit of chocolate frosting off the corner of the man's mouth.

 

“You know it's hard to take you seriously when you're licking chocolate off my face.”

 

“What if I was licking chocolate off of something else? Would you take me seriously then?” He asked, grinning and swiping his tongue over the other man's lips.

 

Kaidan laughed and put a hand on Shepard's chest, firmly pushing him away. “It's my turn next, remember? And, I'm feeling like I need to make you wait a little longer.”

 

“Fine,” Shepard huffed, “but later... I plan on having my way with you!”

 

They packed the remnants of the picnic back into the basket and set it on the floor so they could stretch out on the bed, arms tangling around each other, drawing their bodies flush together. “So, tell me about what the Normandy's been up to.”

 

For the next hour, John talked about the Summit and how he'd been tasked with curing the Genophage and trying to get the krogan and turians working together. About the Crucible and how he was working his ass off trying to gather resources and scientists to build a super structure that may or may not be their salvation, but that no one currently knew exactly what the hell it would do. The mission to rescue the krogan females on Sur'Kesh and the biotic students on Grissom Academy.

 

“Damn, John. I'm tired just thinking about all that.”

 

“Yeah, me too.” He snuggled in closer to Kaidan. “This is nice though. Just being here with you.” After a few minutes of silence, he murmured, “I don't know if I can do this Kaidan. They haven't taken anything I've said in the last three years seriously, and now that the shit is hitting the fan, they expect me to just fix it. As if I could snap my fingers and make it all go away.”

 

Kaidan ran the palm of his hand over the short stubble on John's head. “It's not going to be easy, that's for damn sure. But... I believe that if anyone can pull it off, it's you.”

 

They were quiet for awhile longer. Kaidan was beginning to think he'd fallen asleep, then, “Is it time for me to have my way with you yet?”

 

Laughing, Kaidan pushed him up. “Dance with me?”

 

“Kaidan, Cerberus may have upgraded a lot of things, but they didn't upgrade my sense of rhythm.”

 

“I don't know. I always thought you had pretty great rhythm.”

 

“I meant on the dance floor,” John said, kissing his lover.

 

“Come on. This is a date, and I want to dance with my boyfriend.”

 

He stood and took John's hand, leading him to the side of the bed near the windows. After a few taps on his omni-tool and old love song filled the room. Shepard swallowed audibly, drawing a laugh from Kaidan. “Follow me, John.” He pressed their lips together and grabbed the Commander's hips, pulling him forward till they were touching his own. John shuddered with the contact. “Now, sway... like this.” He moved in time to the music, leading John through the motions along with him. He felt a hot breath on his neck, replaced momentarily by an equally hot pair of lips.

 

“Like this,” John asked against the skin of his neck.

 

“Almost,” Kaidan breathed. “Now move your feet.” His hands slid down to cup Shepard's ass, squeezing tightly.

 

“I feel like you're trying to take advantage of me, Major.” But he moved his hands to the Major's ass, mimicking his movements. Their lips found each other after that. John's hands slid up Kaidan's back, pulling him closer, kneading the hard muscles of his back. Kaidan's hands moved to John's chest, slowly undoing the buttons on his shirt. He pushed the soft material off his shoulders, and his hands roved the Commander's newly uncovered chest as the shirt fluttered to the floor.

 

“Commander! Thought I'd find you... Oh... shit! Sorry man!”

 

Both their heads whipped toward the door as they took a step apart. “Vega,” Shepard sighed. “Can I help you with something?” He snatched his shirt of the floor and shoved his arms back into it while surreptitiously trying to adjust his burgeoning erection. Kaidan slapped the music off and choked on a laugh while he also dealt with the issue in his pants.

 

James bounced on the balls of his feet nervously, eyes shifting around the room, looking at anything but the two aroused and annoyed men in front of him. “Um... we've been trying to reach you.”

 

“I turned my communicator off. I'm on leave for the next eight hours.”

 

“I'm sorry Commander, but... there's an... issue!”

 

“What kind of issue?”

 

“Jack.”

 

“Fuck.” Shepard grunted in frustration. “I'm sorry, Kaidan. I have to go deal with this.”

 

“Who the hell is Jack?” Kaidan asked.

 

“Remember the half-naked biotic from Horizon?” He asked, pulling his shoes back on. “Yeah... she's a fucking psychopath, but she was part of my crew, and...”

 

“I got it. It's fine, John. I'll be here when you get back.”

 

“I'm really sorry!” Shepard said, pecking him on the lips. “I'll make it up to you when I get back,” he whispered in his ear, causing the other man to flush red.

 

“I'm going to hold you to that, Commander,” he shouted to Shepard's retreating back.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and leaving feedback! I appreciate it more than you'll ever know! 
> 
> Come hit me up on tumblr: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and Kaidan have a serious discussion, and questions are asked and answered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have some silliness, and predictably, cheesy, romancey fluff! A day early, even! Enjoy! :)

“I'm really sor-”

 

“Can it, lieutenant!” Shepard snapped at James as he refastened his buttons and tucked his shirt back in on the elevator. “Where's Jack?”

 

“C-Sec.”

 

Shepard rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest, fixing a scowl firmly in place. He could never seem to catch a break! When the elevator hissed open, he stormed toward the Presidium's C-Sec outpost, the look on his face sending people skittering in all directions to get out of his way. At times like this, he took a sort of sadistic pleasure in the effect he had on people. When it came to matters of galactic survival, he could jump and scream and beg and plead till he was blue in the face, and no one would pay him a damned bit of attention. Angry stomping through the Citadel, however, cleared the path before him like a bulldozer.

 

“I'm here for Jack,” he barked at the officer behind the desk.

 

“Ah, Commander Shepard. Thank you for coming. I-”

 

“Can we move this along?” he interrupted. “I was... in the middle of something.”

 

James snickered, and Shepard shot him a look that said he would be on latrine detail for the next six years if he didn't knock it off.

 

“Yes, of course, Commander. This way.”

 

They found Jack squatting on the cot along the back wall of her cell. “Hey, Shepard, nice of you to finally show.” She eyed him up and down, noticing his tailored shirt and slacks. “You look hot! Got a date or something?”

 

“Something like that. What the hell are you doing here? What the hell am _I_ doing here?”

 

“I want details,” she said. “I'm not talking till I get them.”

 

“Well you're not getting them, so have a good night.” He turned to leave.

 

“Wait! Shit! You're an asshole, you know that?”

 

“That's _Commander_ Asshole to you. Now,” he pulled up his chrono, “you've got thirty seconds, and I'm going back to my date.”

 

“You really had a date? What about the dip-shit with the nice ass that you were pining over?”

 

“Twenty seconds.”

 

“Is it him? I've always wondered if you were a bottom or top.”

 

“Fifteen.”

 

“I always pictured you as a top, but it's always the ones you least expect that like-”

 

“Ten seconds, Jack. If I leave here, I'm not coming back.”

 

“Fine, Commander _Asshole_! I need you to bail me out.”

 

“Five seconds.”

 

“Ugh... I may have... shoved a guy over the railing at Purgatory... with my biotics... and it may have ripped a hole in the wall. But I have to get out of here. The kids are shipping out in the morning, and I'm fucking going with them!”

 

“I'm not even going to bother asking why you shoved a guy over the railing. Is he dead?”

 

“No... I don't think so,” she amended, crossing her arms over her chest. “Besides, the fucker deserved it.”

 

“I'm sure he did,” he sighed. “What do I need to do? Sign something? Pay the damages?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Manners?”

 

“Fuck you!”

 

“Good night, Jack.”

 

“Ugh... don't go! You're so damned pushy! Please bail me out of jail and pay for the damages, Commander _Asshole._ I'll pay you back one day.”

 

“No you won't. Officer, just get me the papers that need to be signed. I'll vouch for her.”

 

“Thank you Commander. It will take several minutes,” the officer said.

 

“If you could rush that, I'd appreciate it.”

 

“Damn, that must be some date!”

 

“They were already half-naked when I found them,” James offered.

 

“Vega... is there a reason why you're still here?” Shepard asked.

 

“Uh... Commander Bailey said a condition of her release was making sure she got where she needed to be without further incident. I just assumed you would, you know, want someone else to handle that.”

 

A headache was blooming at the base of his skull. How was it that together this group of miscreants formed the deadliest force in the galaxy – outside the reapers – but they couldn't even get themselves out of trouble to save their own lives? “Take her back to the Normandy,” he said with a heavy sigh. “I saved your old room for you, Jack. Sleep it off and be off the ship by 0800 when I get back, got it?”

 

“Aye, Commander,” she grumbled. “You're really not going to tell me anything?”

 

His look said _no_ in no uncertain terms. When the officer brought the paperwork back to him, he signed it, grabbing Jack by the arm and ushering her out the door. “Vega, I'm going back to the hospital. Unless there is a _dire_ emergency, I do not want to see your face again before 0800, understood?”

 

“Aye, Commander! And... I'm sorry for-”

 

“Let's just... pretend like that never happened, okay?”

 

James huffed a breath of relief. “Aye, Sir!”

 

“Just at least tell me if it's the guy with the nice ass from Horizon!” Jack shouted as Shepard walked away.

 

“Yes!” he yelled over his shoulder. “Now leave me the hell alone!”

 

**

 

Kaidan was sitting on the bed swigging straight from the bottle of whiskey when John returned. Shepard took a seat beside him, and the Major passed him the bottle, which he promptly turned up. “Sorry,” he muttered. “That kind of ruined the mood, huh?”

 

“It might be a good thing,” Kaidan said.

 

Shepard's shoulders slumped in disappointment. “If I'm pushing too hard, Kaidan, I-”

 

“It's not that,” he replied quickly, squeezing John's knee. “It's just... there's some stuff we should probably talk about first.”

 

Taking another swig from the bottle, John turned to face him waiting expectantly.

 

“The money and the house,” Kaidan said, as if that was enough.  
  


“What of them? I wanted you to have them.”

 

“It was a damn lot of money, John! I still have the house. Couldn't bear to sell it. I rented it out, though. I know you wanted me to go back, but I... I just couldn't. I donated the money. Well, most of it. I set up a trust fund with about a quarter of it. That pays the taxes on the house, and one day, retirement, maybe. The rest went to two places. They added a 'John Shepard Memorial Wing' to the New York Public Library. Lucy Perkins came to your memorial. She helped me set it all up. And Anderson and I set up a scholarship fund with the rest of the money to get kids off the street and into the Alliance or school, whichever they preferred.” He chanced a look at John to see what his reaction would be. He was watching Kaidan with something like awe on his face.

 

“You did that for me?”

 

Kaidan gave a weak smile. “I felt too guilty to keep all that money, and I knew that this would be the best way to honor your memory. Only now, you're not a memory. I guess we'll have to change the names to 'Honorary' instead of 'Memorial,'” he laughed, though there was little humor behind it.

 

“Maybe wait till after the war, huh?” John said, looking out the window. “All this... it's so... fucked up. I shouldn't be here, and yet I am. But, I... if I make it out of this one, it really will be a damned miracle. The odds aren't in my favor, Kaidan.” He locked eyes with his lover. “I might die again during this, and... if you want to... if you don't want to do this,” he gestured between them, “I would understand.”

 

“Shepard... I.. I can't live without you another day. This time... If something happens to you before the war is over, I promise to finish what you started, but after that... I'm going to be honest with you... there will be a bullet with my name on it.”

 

John nodded slowly. “Ditto.”

 

Kaidan mirrored the nod. They had said all they needed on that point, so he continued, “The wedding rings?”

 

“I wanted to ask you to marry me, Kaidan,” he said, picking up the other man's hand, and fiddling with the ring he was still wearing.

 

“I put it on when Anderson gave me the box. That was the day before your memorial. I only took them off when I... went out with Dr. Michel, but... I put them right back on as soon as I got home.” The silence stretched between them for a few minutes, as they passed the bottle of whiskey back and forth. “I would have said yes,” Kaidan said at last, looking back up into those perfectly blue eyes.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

John leaned forward and kissed Kaidan on the cheek before he slid off the bed and knelt down on the floor, lacing their fingers together. “Kaidan Alenko, I have loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you, and I will love you until my dying breath. I want to spend every minute of the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?”

 

“I thought you'd never ask!” He laughed, pulling John off the floor and into his arms, lips crashing together. “That was a yes, by the way!”

 

“I know,” John smiled against his lips. “Can we have make up sex now? Then engagement sex?”

 

“I think both of those are in order.”

 

“Let me see if I can get you out of here and back to the Normandy.”

 

“Hurry!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, as always, for reading, commenting, etc. It means so much to me! 
> 
> I hope this chapter wasn't too cheesy, but I figure they were overdue for some cheesy, dorky attempts at romance. They really have been dweebs from the very beginning, anyway! :)
> 
> Here's my tumblr: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and Kaidan finally carve out a little time for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm soooo sorry that I missed Thursday's update! Life just happens sometimes. Hopefully you'll forgive me when you read the chapter, though! ;)

“Commander, you are not scheduled to return to duty for another six hours,” EDI's disembodied voice chimed as Shepard practically dragged Kaidan through the CIC.

 

“Still off duty, EDI. I'll be in my cabin.”

 

“Yes, Commander.”

 

“You broke him out of the hospital for a booty call?” Joker asked, incredulous, craning his neck to watch them.

 

“We're celebrating our engagement, Joker,” Kaidan yelled over his shoulder.

 

“Oh, Commander?” Traynor called as they passed her.

 

“Off duty, Traynor,” he said, continuing toward the elevator. “Unless it's an emergency, call Garrus.”

 

“Oh... ohh...,” the Comm Specialist said when she realized what was happening.

 

“Even then,” Kaidan said over Shepard's shoulder. “Just let Garrus handle everything till tomorrow.” He gave a little shrug in answer to Shepard's raised eyebrow.

 

The moment the elevator doors closed, Kaidan slammed John against the wall, pressing a knee between his thighs. Shepard moaned into his mouth, pulling the Major's shirt from his trousers. The door swished back open a second later, and they looked up to see a startled James Vega staring at them, mouth agape.

 

“We've got to stop meeting like this, Vega,” Shepard drawled. “Sorry, you'll have to catch the next one,” and both he and Kaidan gave the lumbering marine a gentle biotic push back out of the elevator. “EDI?”

 

“Lieutenant Vega has been locked out of the elevator until you and the Major are safely in your quarters.”

 

“Thanks, EDI. You're the best.”

 

“I try, Shepard.”

 

With a laugh, he pulled his lover against him again. “Poor James, he's going to be scarred for life.”

 

“Probably,” Kaidan agreed, lips meeting John's, “but I'm finding it hard to care right now.”

 

“Me too!” He tugged the Major's shirt up to his armpits so that he could run his hands over the taut skin and muscle. When the elevator door opened again, and they were sure they were on deck one, John took control, forcing Kaidan against the wall outside the entryway to his room. “God, I've missed you,” he managed, his words muffled by Kaidan's lips.

 

“You can't begin to imagine how much I've missed you.” The Major's head fell against the wall with a thud, and Shepard paused, meeting his gaze. Kaidan's fingers trembled as they traced John's lips, then nose, then eyebrow, then cheek, memorizing every single detail. Shepard let him take his time, sensing that the man needed to reassure himself.

 

When Kaidan drew him into his arms again, the younger man nuzzled his cheek. “I'm sorry, Kaidan,” he whispered. “I don't think I could handle what you've been through the past few years.”

 

His hands twitched against Shepard's back, and he held him tightly, burying his face in the crook of the man's neck. They stayed locked together for awhile, fingers and lips gently caressing skin, reminding themselves that this was real, they were alive and whole and together. Gradually, the kisses became more insistent, the touches more deliberate, and soon, the heat they'd been feeling earlier returned tenfold. The Commander ground his hips against his lover's, rutting their burgeoning erections together until they were both groaning.

 

“I'm going to cum in my pants if you don't stop,” Kaidan breathed. “And I still owe you a blow job.”

 

“Ah fuck,” Shepard moaned, “this is why you're my favorite.”

 

That earned him a laugh, and they relinquished their hold long enough to stagger into the cabin. The Commander dragged him by the hand toward the bed, and Kaidan glanced around the room, “Wow!”

 

“You can have the tour in the morning,” John said. “For now, all you need to know is that the bed is over there!”

 

Kaidan laughed, then stalked across the floor, hands on Shepard's chest, pushing him down on the bed when the backs of his knees hit the edge. Following his lover down smoothly, he promptly recaptured the Commander's mouth, teeth nipping at his lips until John was groaning loudly. His hands made quick work of the buttons of Shepard's shirt, and he moved onto placing searing kisses on the newly exposed skin of his chest. “I hope you remembered to lock the damn door this time.”

 

John pulled up his omni-tool and tapped out a command. “Done. Though hardly anyone ever comes up here. Except that damn reporter... and Garrus sometimes, but either of those would be... bad.”

 

“Reporter?”

 

“Ask me later when my brain is working again, Kaidan!” He gasped as the Major's teeth grazed over a nipple.

 

His reward was a dark chuckle from the Major, who then kissed and licked a flaming path down his abdomen. “You look damn sexy in these pants, John. They make your ass look even better than normal. I almost hate to take them off of you!”

 

Shepard responded with a muttered curse, when Kaidan palmed his erection through the fabric. “Please, Kaidan!”

 

The Major laughed again, and kissed his cock through the pants before unfastening and pulling them off, underwear and all. John hissed as Kaidan licked up the length of him from base to tip then swirled his tongue around the head, dipping into the slit at the top. The Commander bucked his hips, and Kaidan took the hint, opening his mouth and swallowing him down. Shepard's speech became a nearly unintelligible string of curses and whispered encouragements as the Major sucked, swallowed, licked, and nipped at the dick in his mouth.

 

“Ah... fuck, Kaidan... If you don't stop... I'm...”

 

The mirth in Kaidan's eyes told him that he had no intention of stopping, and to prove the point, he bobbed his head down, hollowing his cheeks on the upstroke. It only took two or three more plunges of the Major's talented mouth for Shepard to break, waves of ecstasy washing over him along with the blue flare of his biotics. “Holy hell,” he gasped, flopping back onto the bed.

 

Kaidan took a moment to admire his lover lying there, thoroughly debauched, looking like the centerfold in a porn magazine. His skin was flushed and covered in a fine sheen of glistening sweat, lips swollen with kisses, spent cock heavy against his hip. His black, silk dress shirt was unbuttoned and lying open, clinging slightly to damp skin. He was a sight to behold. A sight that had Kaidan straining against his own pants. Standing, the Major quickly divested himself of his clothing before crawling back onto the bed. He licked each of Shepard's balls in turn, then licked a path up the flaccid member drawing a shuddering moan out of John.

 

“God, you're so perfect and amazing,” Shepard murmured, pulling Kaidan to his lips and tasting himself there. “I love you.”

 

“Love you, too.” His words were muffled by their kiss, but John gripped him tighter, kissed him harder. Kaidan knew he'd been through hell the last few years, but so had John. As hard as it had been to mourn the man he loved, what must it have been like to wake up one morning and find out the man you loved would no longer speak to you, or even see you? They'd both suffered, and it was going to take time to make them whole again.

 

Sensing his lover's distraction, Shepard withdrew, blue eyes searching. Kaidan cringed at the hint of fear he witnessed in their depths, and laid a gentle kiss against the man's lips to comfort him. “What's wrong?” John asked, concern dampening the mood. The Commander shifted onto his side, propped on an elbow so that he could see into Kaidan's eyes. His face was pinched tight as if he were in physical pain.

 

The older man rushed to put him at ease, “Nothing's wrong, John. I just... It's been a hard few years – for both of us. I'm just sorry I put you through-”

 

A finger on his lips halted his stream of words. “Don't. Not now. Let's... just be with me right now, Kaid. Please?”

 

“Yeah,” he nodded, sighing with a mix of relief and regret, “okay.”

 

Their lips met again and again, tiny kisses that lingered longer and longer each time they connected. Their bodies were fitted so closely together there was hardly room for a breath between them. More than anything, John wanted to keep Kaidan here for the rest of his life. Fear and uncertainty threatened to devour him, so he kept his eyes closed, afraid that his lover would vanish into dust and ash if he dared to open them.

 

“I'm here, John,” Kaidan whispered, lips moving softly along his jaw. “I'm not going anywhere.”

 

Distantly he wondered if it would always be this way. If the fear of loss would forever be consuming them, interrupting the precious few moments they actually did have together. “I need you, Kaidan,” he pleaded. “Please. I want you inside me.”

 

Kaidan nodded again, allowing John to roll onto his belly. He took the liberty of rummaging through the nightstand for the lube he was sure John had, feeling a thrill of anticipation when he found it. Shepard still had his shirt on, but Kaidan tugged it off one shoulder to grant him access to the smooth skin. Feathery kisses were sprinkled across his shoulder and up his neck to his earlobe, while his fingers worked to prepare John for him. The Commander moaned at the assault. “I'm never leaving again,” Kaidan said softly, lips tickling the shell of his ear. “You're the only man I've ever loved – the only man I want for the rest of my life. I'm not going to let you get away again.” He continued muttering ardent reassurances to the younger man, hearing his muffled sobs of relief, until he was ready for him.

 

Slowly, Kaidan entered him, stopping for a breath once he was sheathed. His lips brushed against John's amp port, sending a spark of energy through both of them. “Jesus,” Shepard whispered. “Just... I need you to move, Kaid.”

 

Kaidan's breath wafted hot against his skin when he chuckled at the Commander's impatience, but he caved, giving Shepard what he wanted. He'd spent the last year denying his love for Shepard, denying them both what they wanted. Never again. He rolled his hips at a crawling pace, savoring the silken heat and tight walls of his lover's body contracting around him. John managed to lift his own hips to meet him halfway, and they fell into that perfect rhythm that had always embodied their relationship. It was breathtaking and awe inspiring. That they could have endured such trauma, such turmoil and heartache, and still be here together in this place, still in love, still in synch with one another had his heart ready to burst. He buried his face against the soft skin of John's neck, “I'm close.”

 

“Me too,” Shepard said, voice a breathy moan. They managed to get their mouths together for an awkward kiss, but all they cared about was being connected in every way possible. Both their cries of pleasure were absorbed by the kiss, and Kaidan let himself be dead weight on Shepard's back as they caught their breath. For his part, John didn't mind in the least. As far as he was concerned, Kaidan could stay exactly where he was forever. He reached a hand up to stroke his lover's cheek, sighing in contentment.

 

They whispered a few more “I love you's” before Kaidan shifted off of him. John burrowed into his embrace, coiling his body around the older man's and pressing his face against the man's chest. His shirt was still clinging to his body, and he was exhausted and sated, but dirty. “How about a shower?”

 

Kaidan's lips brushed against his forehead, and he stifled a yawn. He was still recovering from his injuries on Mars and tired easily. A shower sounded good though, so he hummed his agreement, and they slowly disentangled themselves, heading for the cabin's private bath. “This is nice,” Kaidan said, watching as John finally removed his shirt and tossed it toward the laundry bag.

 

“It is nice,” the younger man murmured, crowding the Major into the shower and hitting the switch. They stood under the warm spray for a few minutes, water rinsing away the aches in their muscles as well as the remnants of their lovemaking. John grabbed the bar of soap and gently ran it over Kaidan's chest and belly, fingers pausing to outline the greenish bruises that still marred the man's skin. His lower lip quivered as he turned Kaidan to face the wall, offering similar treatment to his back. This time, he set the soap aside and took a few moments to knead the sore muscles of the Major's neck and shoulders, strong fingers sinking deep into aching flesh. Kaidan couldn't help but groan as his head dropped between his shoulders.

 

“Damn, that feels good.”

 

Though he couldn't see it, Shepard smiled at him, and continued his ministrations. He'd wanted this for so long, and now that Kaidan was here, he simply couldn't keep his hands to himself. Stepping closer, he wrapped his arms around the older man's waist, chin resting on one shoulder. “I thought I'd lost you.” The words were so quiet, they were almost lost to the patter of the water splashing around them. “I was so scared, Kaidan.” Ducking his head, he pressed his forehead into the man's shoulder now. “On Mars, I was so angry with you. So... tired of being hurt by you, and I had honestly made up my mind that it was just time to move on.” Kaidan turned to face him. The sorrow in those blue eyes tore at his insides, but he waited to hear the rest of what John had to say. “But,” Shepard continued, “when... that damn robot...” His voice trailed away, and he kissed Kaidan hard and quick, drawing several desperate breaths when it was over. “I thought you were going to die, and that we'd never have the chance to make things right, to fix this, and I was terrified. Not even... not even knowing that I was dying over Alchera was as frightening as watching that. You almost died on my watch, Kaidan. It... was horrible to see, and I can't... I just can't-”

 

“Shh,” Kaidan's lips met his again, softer this time, a gentle caress. “I'm here. We're here.”

 

“We're here,” John agreed, repeating the words once more. They finished washing and drying off, winding their limbs together under the covers, after crawling back into the bed. Shepard listened to Kaidan's reassuring heart beat and rhythmic breathing even after the Major drifted off to sleep. The road they had traveled to get to this point had been long and hard, but Kaidan was right; they had each other now, and with all that was within him, John hoped that would never change.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and for all the support in the form of kudos and comments, etc. I've even been getting messages on tumblr about how much y'all are enjoying this story, and I'm just so happy. Y'all have no idea! :')
> 
> Speaking of tumblr, here she is: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Planning on getting back on track with another chapter tomorrow! ;)
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan meets some of the old crew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back on track today with another chapter of sappy fluff. Next chapter things start to take a turn for the serious again, so enjoy it while it lasts. And, I'm finally done tormenting James! ;) It's just so fun, and he's so easy! lol

Shepard gave Kaidan the ten cent tour of the Normandy in the morning before leading him by the hand to the mess. Their entrance was greeted with a chorus of catcalls and whistles, mostly emanating from Jack and James. There was a steady stream of congratulations and well wishes. It seemed Joker had wasted no time in informing the crew of their engagement. To appease the crowd, and also because he wasn't about to waste the opportunity, John grinned wide and pulled Kaidan into a sloppy, wet kiss, which only served to rile the crowd further. To ice the cake, in a manner of speaking, the Major pinched the Commander's ass when he turned to grab them each a tray of breakfast, sending the crowd into another round of howling and whistling.   
  


“Alright, everybody, you've had your fun, now get your asses back to work! Duty shift starts in thirty minutes.”

 

Most of the crew straggled out smiling and happy, but a few were still eating their breakfast when Jack shouted, “Hey! Major Great Ass! We're all dying to know if Shepard is a top or bottom!”

 

The crew snickered. Shepard groaned. “Kaidan, this is Jack. Jack, Kaidan. She's a major pain in my ass!”

 

“I thought that was his job,” she said, tipping her chin at Kaidan.

 

“Uh... nice to meet you, Jack,” Kaidan said, blushing.

 

“Aww... I thought you didn't like pussy, Shepard, but this guy sure as hell seems to be one.”

 

Kaidan bristled, and Shepard rested a hand on his knee under the table. “Lay off, Jack. He just hasn't gotten used to your charming personality like I have.”

 

Jack scoffed. “Whatever So when are you two fuckers tying the knot? I wanna be there.”

 

“We don't know yet, and I don't know if I want you there. You cost me too damn much money.” His voice was harsh, but he was smiling. Jack flipped him off.

 

“So... you're loaded, you can afford me.”

 

Shepard rolled his eyes. “We'd have to get married on a barren planet to afford having you there. Anyway, when we know, you'll know, okay?”

 

“Fine. I gotta go, Shepard. Those fucking kids would be lost without me. And... thanks for bailing me out last night,” her voice softened at the end.

 

“You're welcome, but... let's not make a habit of it, alright?”

 

“Take care of yourself, Commander _Asshole!_ ” There may have been tears in her eyes.

 

“You too, Jack,” he replied softly.

 

“Ugh... You fucking asshole! You're making me soft!” She stood and saluted him lazily, and he returned it with a grin. “Later fuckers.”

 

“Well, that was... interesting,” Kaidan said.

 

“You get used to her. Sort of. I'm sorry if she embarrassed you.”

 

“Nah, I'm fine. Seems like you had some interesting characters on your crew last mission.”

 

“You can say that again... Ah, here comes another one now.”

 

A salarian with one horn broken off in the middle walked briskly toward the table, a stack of datapads in his hands. “Ah, Shepard! Good to see you. Trust you slept well.” He waved his omni-tool toward Shepard. “Scans reveal decreased signs of stress. Increased levels of endorphins, prolactin. Suggests recent sexual activity.”

 

“Uh... Can we move on?” Shepard asked, blushing. Kaidan choked on a laugh, bringing his coffee to his mouth in an attempt to hide it.

 

“Yes. Do not understand human squeamishness regarding sexual intimacy. No matter. Genophage cure nearly complete. Need a few more tests. Brought you initial data results. Fertility viability. Options to strengthen immune system of Eve.” He placed the pile of datapads on the table in front of Shepard, and it fell over, scattering across the surface. A few clattered to the floor. “Will make interesting reading for voyage to Tuchanka, Shepard.”

 

“Lucky me,” the Commander mumbled.

 

Kaidan stared wide-eyed as the salarian began pacing beside the table. “Still need to determine distribution vector. Water supply? No. Local injection. No-”

 

“Slow down, Mordin,” Shepard said, holding up a hand. “We have time to figure it out. I have a couple of other missions to complete on Tuchanka first. In the mean time, I'd like you to meet, Alliance Major Kaidan Alenko, my fiance. Kaidan, this is Dr. Mordin Solus, you may have met on Horizon. He developed the countermeasures our team used to get through the seeker swarms unharmed. He's been working with the female krogan we rescued from Sur'Kesh to develop a Genophage cure.”

 

“Dr. Solus! I do remember you. It's good to see you again.”

 

“Likewise, Major. Any friend of Shepard is friend of mine. Congratulations on pending nuptials. Assume awareness that procreation impossible between two human males, but... want Shepard to be happy.”

 

“Uh... Yes, we are aware of that fact, Mordin. And thank you! We are very happy,” Shepard said, smiling at Kaidan.

 

“Very good, Shepard. Will be in med-bay if needed.”

 

“Got it,” Shepard said, bending down to retrieve the datapads from the floor.

 

“Is he always like that?”

 

“Always,” Shepard admitted. “But he was actually one of the tamer members of the team. Wait till you meet Grunt!”

 

“Grunt?”

 

“Shepard's baby krogan,” Joker said dropping a tray of food on the table across from John and Kaidan.

 

The Commander sighed in exasperation. “How many times do I have to tell you he's not a baby? Definitely not _my_ baby!”

 

“You gave birth to him,” Garrus said, sitting across the table as well. “I think that makes you his dad.”

 

Kaidan gave him a look of mirth. “You're the father of a krogan baby? Something we should discuss?”

 

“Grunt was tank bred by a krogan warlord. Fully grown when we got him. All I did was open the tank and let him out.”

 

“Right,” Joker said. “You birthed him. And taught him everything he needed to know about how to be a killing machine!”

 

“You even took him out for his rite of passage into adulthood,” Garrus added. “Pretty sure that means he's yours to keep.”

 

“Rite of passage into adulthood?” Kaidan's eyes were sparkling with merriment. “What, did you take him to Omega for a pole dance?”

 

“That was my suggestion,” Garrus said, “but you know how krogan are. They don't do anything halfway. We actually ended up killing a thresher maw... on foot. Well, Shepard did.”

 

“He even got a breeding request from a female krogan!” Joker said, gleefully. “I mean, is he a stud or what?”

 

“A female krogan? That's impressive, Shepard,” Kaidan said, laughing.

 

John rolled his eyes. “I politely declined.”

 

“Yeah, the Commander could have gotten laid more than Sha'ira last tour! Too bad he-”

 

“Joker,” Shepard warned, and Kaidan shifted uncomfortably in his seat. John slid his hand back down to Kaidan's thigh and gave a reassuring squeeze. “Let it go.”

 

“So,” Garrus started, trying to change the subject. “I hear congratulations are in order for the second human Spectre.” He reached across to shake Kaidan's hand.

 

“Yeah. Thanks! I'm actually heading to Udina's office after this to be sworn in. He's got a few assignments for me on the Citadel.”

 

“Alenko!” Wrex's booming voice filled the mess. “Glad to see you still kicking!”

 

“Same here, Wrex!”

 

“Shepard! You're settling down, huh?”

 

“I don't know about that, Wrex, but I am getting married,” the Commander was grinning from ear to ear. The old friends fell into easy conversation, recounting their various adventures over the last years and months since they'd seen each other. Shepard couldn't help the wave of nostalgia that washed over him. These were the ones who had been with him from the beginning. His friends who had believed in him, stood by him. He didn't want it to end, but wanting something to be true didn't make it so, as Shepard knew better than most. “Well, we've got to head out. Joker, get up to the cockpit and begin the pre-flight checks.”

 

“EDI has had the pre-flight done for an hour,” the pilot said.

 

“Humor me then. Garrus, I'm sure you have some calibrating to do. Wrex... I really have no idea what the hell you've been doing on the ship. So... carry on.” Shepard stood and took his and Kaidan's trays to the sink, then grabbed his stack of informative reading from Mordin and took Kaidan by the hand, walking toward the elevator.

 

“So...,” John began as they walked hand in hand into the airlock. “We're engaged.”

 

“Yeah,” Kaidan chuckled. “We are.”

 

“And, it stands to reason that two people who are engaged are supposed to actually get married.”

 

“That's what I've always been told,” the older man said, stepping closer to Shepard, backing him against the bulkhead. “Something on your mind, Commander?”

 

“I was just wondering if you wanted to do it now, or... after?” There was a nervousness in his eyes that Kaidan hadn't been expecting.

 

“I really want my parents to be there,” he said, then his thoughts seemed to catch up with John's, and he nodded. “But... I'm sure they would understand if we went ahead and did it now. What do you want?”

 

John cupped Kaidan's face with his free hand, pressing a tender kiss to his lips. “I want whatever you want.”

 

“Be honest with me, John. We're not going to start our lives together with dishonesty.”

 

Shepard sighed. “I... don't want your parents to miss out on it, but... more than that, I don't want _us_ to miss out on the opportunity. I mean...” His gaze flicked away from Kaidan's eyes, and he let the words hang in the air, unspoken.

 

“You mean if we don't both make it out the other side.”

 

John nodded then pulled Kaidan roughly against him, wrapping his arms tightly around him. “If we go, I want it to be together, but if not... then... I want to have been your husband for as long as I could.”

 

The Major held him just as tightly. “Okay. What if we just have a small ceremony? Just the two of us. Then we can throw one hell of a party after you finish kicking the Reapers' asses!”

 

“I don't want you to regret anything. Let's just... think about it some more. If you want to wait, then we will. You're definitely worth it,” he said, pressing their lips together again, reveling in the softness of his soon-to-be-husband's mouth. “I love kissing you,” he murmured against the man's lips.

 

“Me too,” Kaidan replied in kind, with a breathy chuckle.

 

“Wish I could be at your swearing in,” John said before dipping for another kiss.

 

“I'll send you the vid.”

 

“It won't be the same,” he sighed, bumping his forehead against Kaidan's. “I feel like an ass for not postponing our departure.”

 

“You have a job to do, John. I understand how things are. How they have to be for awhile longer. As soon as I can, I'm going to join you, but until then, you have to do what you have to do. I know that you would be there if you could. You'll be there in my heart anyway.”

 

“You're so sappy, Kaidan,” he said with a smile.

 

“You're calling me sappy? You brought a picnic to my hospital room!”

 

“Yeah... and look what it got me – a fiance!”

 

“That it did. And don't forget that when all the krogan females are sending you breeding requests!”

 

“Jesus, I'm never living that down, am I?”

 

“Never, but... uh, just out of curiosity... how many times did you get propositioned last tour?”

 

“Honestly? I have no idea. More than a few. I just kept trying to deflect before it got to that point. Telling people you're gay is a pretty effective deterrent.”

 

“So it was mostly women?”

 

“Am I detecting a twinge of jealousy, Major?”

 

“Not... jealous, just... I guess this sort of thing must happen to you a lot. Sexy guy like you,” he punctuated his statement with a peck on the lips. “I feel like I need to put this wedding band on you so everyone will know you're taken!”

 

“Like this sort of thing never happens to you,” Shepard said with a snort.

 

“Not as frequently, apparently,” the Major frowned.

 

“Kaidan... I'm a one man kind of man. You're the only one for me... no matter how tempting the female krogan is!”

 

Kaidan punched his arm, then grabbed his face and pulled him in, claiming his mouth. “I love you, John Shepard. I... want to take your name.”

 

“You do?” Shepard was genuinely stunned. He hadn't even thought of that when he'd proposed. Come to think of it, there were a lot of things they hadn't discussed: where they wanted to live after the war, what they would do regarding their careers, kids.

And the thought of having kids with Kaidan made his stomach drop out. Obviously they couldn't have their own, as Mordin had helpfully pointed out, but they could adopt. Suddenly a life flashed before his eyes. A life he never dreamed of having before, but at this moment, it was the life he wanted more than any other – a husband, a house, a garden, a couple of kids, homework, parent-teacher meetings...   
  


“John?”

 

“I... how do you feel about kids?”

 

“Kids?”

 

“Yeah... I don't know. I just... was imagining how things could be. All I could think of before was us being together, but what if... what if we win, if we live... what then? What do you want out of our life... together?”

 

Kaidan smiled at his love. “I think kids would be wonderful. Always thought I might have some one day. I.. to be honest, I didn't know how you would feel about it with your childhood and all.”

 

“I probably wouldn't be very good at it, huh?” Shepard asked, a little dejected.

 

“You'd be amazing,” Kaidan said, kissing him again. “And the more I think about it, the more I want it, so... no backing out now.”

 

“You really want to take my name? That... I...” He pulled Kaidan to his lips once more, tongue swiping the lower lip, seeking entrance. “I love you,” they muttered in unison when the kiss ended, then they giggled at themselves, just basking in the happy feeling of being together.

 

“We can talk about all this some more later,” Kaidan finally said. “I'm going to be late for my meeting with Udina, and the sooner you leave, the sooner you can come back. I'll be waiting for you, John. Come back to me!” They kissed for what had to have been the thousandth time that morning. A passionate, burning kiss that held all their fears and hopes for the future. It was over too soon, and John watched as Kaidan walked away backward, eyes locked together, until the doors hissed closed between them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, commenting, etc! Y'all are amazing! <3
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John finds himself in a situation he is not expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all are the greatest! This is approximately the halfway point in this story. It's incredible to me that we've made it this far already. Thanks for all the comments and kudos; I treasure each and every one! :)
> 
> PS - this is potentially the suckiest chapter summary I've ever written, but I just... can't think of anything else to say. lol... sorry!

_****Inter-relay Chat**** _

 

_From: Cmdr. J. Shepard_

_To: Maj. K. Alenko_

 

_JS: Finished on Tuchanka yesterday._

 

_KA: Yesterday?  
_

 

_JS: Partied with the krogan all night. Got a little drunk._

 

_KA: A little?_

 

_JS: Ok, a lot_

 

_KA: You're predictable. And adorable._

 

_JS: I'm not adorable. I'm Commander 'fucking' Shepard, remember?_

 

_KA: How could I forget? So what happened with the krogan?_

 

_JS: Genophage is cured._

 

_KA: Wow! that's amazing, John._

 

_JS: Mordin died._

 

_KA: Damn. I'm sorry. I know it's never easy. What happened?  
_

 

_JS: long story. Basically he sacrificed himself for the cure._

 

_KA: I see._

 

_JS: There will be more, huh?_

 

_KA: Yeah._

 

_JS: I fucking hate the reapers._

 

_KA: Me too... we'll stop them.... you'll stop them._

 

_JS: hope so_

 

_KA: You ok?_

 

_JS: maybe... need to see you._

 

_KA: ditto_

 

_JS: How was the swearing in?  
_

 

_KA: Good. I'll send the vid._

 

_KA: There. I sent it. You can watch it after this._

 

_JS: Ok. Can't wait to see your face._

 

_KA: Me either. ETA??_

 

_JS: < an hour_

 

_KA: That soon?_

 

_JS: Just entered Widow. Had to sleep off the hangover. Sorry!_

 

_KA: You earned it._

 

_KA: And now you're plenty rested up for tonight, right?_

 

_JS: You bet your ass!_

 

_KA: Good! I have plans!_

 

_JS: Oh yeah? What kind of plans?  
_

 

_KA: Get your ass down here and see._

 

_JS: On my way as fast as I can._

 

_JS: Where should I meet you?_

 

…

…

…

 

_JS: You still there?_

 

…

…

…

 

_JS: Kaidan?_

 

_..._

_..._

...

 

“EDI, test my connection with the Citadel,” Shepard said to the ceiling. He knew that EDI could hear him from everywhere, but he couldn't seem to break the habit of looking up whenever he wasn't talking to her actual body.

 

“The connection has been lost, Shepard. I cannot retrieve it.”

 

“What's going on?” Suddenly, he had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

 

“I am unsure. My communication attempts are being blocked.”

 

“Keep trying.”

 

“Yes, Commander.”

 

He headed to his armor locker. His gut was telling him he would need it, and he'd learned the hard way to trust that instinct when it screamed danger. He messaged James and Garrus and told them to suit up and meet him on the bridge. Liara was next, and he had her tapping her Broker connections to see if she could get a line on what was going on. By the time he got to the bridge, fully kitted in armor, he was positive there was a problem.

 

“Shepard, you're gonna wanna hear this,” Joker said, then Thane's voice was filling the cockpit.

 

“Cerberus has attacked C-Sec and taken over.”

 

“Where's the Council?” John asked, knowing that was where Kaidan would be.

 

“I do not know. I am currently heading to C-Sec headquarters. Commander Bailey is trying to regain control of the station.”

 

“Hang tight, Thane. We'll be there shortly. Cortez, prep the shuttle. I'm on my way. Joker, don't let any Cerberus ships get past you!”

 

“Aye, Sir!”

 

“And try hailing the Destiny Ascension. It's where the Council is evacuated to in times of emergency,” Shepard added.

 

“And when I get ahold of Major Alenko?”

 

“Patch him through to me!”

 

“Aye, aye, Commander,” Joker said, then added softly, “I'm sure he's fine, Shepard.”

 

“Thanks, Joker.”

 

They hit the ground at a trot, immediately diving into cover. “Vakarian switch to your assault rifle. I'll throw them up, and you take them out. James... just try to keep up with the big boys, okay?”

 

James muttered something under his breath, too low for the translators to decipher. That's how Shepard knew it was Spanish curses. He laughed at the thought, then used his double pull on a couple of unwitting Cerberus troops. They were dead before they even realized what was happening. It was quick work cutting through the troops that were amassing outside C-Sec. He wondered how in the hell Cerberus had so many men to just throw away. Where had they all come from? They had already seen on Mars what Cerberus was doing to its troops – the modifications that turned them practically into husks. Just one more reason why the Illusive Bastard had to die.

 

Once inside C-Sec, Shepard focused all his attentions on getting to the Council – and his fiance.

 

**

 

Shepard was still in his armor when he left the hospital. Thane was dead. Another friend, another comrade in arms... gone.

 

And Kaidan...

 

There was a situation he never would have imagined himself in – staring down the barrel of his fiance's pistol. He had seen the doubt, the hurt, in Kaidan's eyes when Udina had accused him of working with Cerberus to stage the coup. If anyone should have immediately dismissed that as complete and utter bullshit, it should have been Kaidan. But he hadn't dismissed it out of hand. He'd believed it, even if only for a moment, but it was that moment that was tearing Shepard's heart out.

 

His steps were heavy as he lurched into the elevator, hitting the button to take him to Purgatory then letting himself fall against the wall. He was tired. Tired of losing people that were important to him. Tired of being called on to settle every minor dispute in the galaxy when his efforts should have been focused on finding the resources and building the alliances they needed to stop the reapers. Tired of fighting a war on two fronts. Tired of the man he loved doubting him. His head fell back against the metal wall with a thud.

 

He'd considered rescinding shore leave, and just resupplying the Normandy and heading back out without even talking to Kaidan. That was unfair to the crew, however. They needed the break, even if Shepard himself couldn't really have one. They were only here for twenty-four hours, then it was back to the grind. The Citadel was a big place. Maybe he could just avoid Kaidan for his twelve hours of leave.

 

He used the term _leave_ loosely. Usually his shore leave consisted of running himself ragged trying to stop batarian terrorists or broker deals for better medical supplies for the Normandy or working in the Spectre office granting funding for better surveillance and citizen militias. He would normally be lucky to get a few hours of sleep on his shore leave. But right now, he needed to be drunk, so he didn't have to think.

 

No one would make eye contact with the six foot, four inch Spectre in blood smeared black armor as he strode up to the bar at Purgatory. His presence tended to do that to people, especially when he was in a sour mood. Not that he cared. He wanted to be left alone tonight. He took up a seat at the lower bar and ordered a bottle of whiskey - no glass - then paid his tab and took a hefty pull straight from the bottle. It burned like fire going down, his throat still achy and parched from battle and mourning. It was good though. The fire and the ache matched the rest of him.

 

Two young human women sidled up next to him, giggling at one another and ogling him. They couldn't have been more than eighteen. “Excuse us,” the red-head said, “but are you Commander Shepard?”

 

John did his best to stifle a sigh. “I am,” he said flatly, barely sparing them a glance.

 

The blonde woman laid a hand on his arm, batting her eyelashes at him. He supposed she was going for alluring, but she could have had something stuck in her eye for all he knew. His focus was on not recoiling from her touch, and he was thankful that he was in armor and not civvies or fatigues. “We heard how you stopped the coup! You are so brave!” He didn't miss the awe in her voice. Appreciation for a job well done might have been nice, but somehow he knew there was more to this encounter than just offers of gratitude.

 

“Thank you, but I didn't do it alone.” He looked away and turned his bottle up again, hoping they would take the hint.

 

“We'd love to thank you for your... _service_ ,” the red-head said, grinning in a way that made her intentions hard to ignore.

 

“I... appreciate that, but... I'm not interested.”

 

“Are you sure,” the blonde slid closer, pressing her body against his side, lips grazing his earlobe.

 

He shifted so that he could have enough leverage to push her away without hurting her or making her fall. She inhaled sharply, excitement in her eyes, but when he gripped her shoulders in order to push her back, her face fell. “I'm sure. I'm not looking for company right now.”

 

“We could give you a night you won't forget,” the red-head tried again, walking her fingers up his chest.

 

His hand closed tightly around hers before pushing it away a little harder than was necessary. “I'm gay,” he said tonelessly, secretly enjoying their astonished expressions.

 

“And taken!”

 

A familiar, dusky voice behind him made him freeze in his seat. The two women scampered off, huffing indignantly as Kaidan took the stool next to him. “Mind if I have a swig of that?” He motioned toward the bottle in Shepard's hand, and John passed it to him staring off into the distance.

 

“I want to be alone, Kaidan,” he said when the bottle was passed back to him. He took another gulp himself, relishing the burn that let him know that he was still alive despite the numbness in his chest.

 

“I had hoped we could talk,” Kaidan said with a sigh. He was already showered and dressed in civvies – a pair of dark jeans and a charcoal sweater that hugged his body just right with a v-neck that offered a tantalizing view and perfect access to the little dip at the base of his neck. The dip that Shepard loved to delve his tongue into when they were making love.

 

Shepard shifted away. “What is there to talk about? What's done is done.”

 

“What's done? We're done?”

 

“Aren't we? It's not how I wanted it to be, but... you still don't trust me. After everything... I just...” He let his voice trail off, not really knowing what else to say. What was there to say? Obviously neither words nor actions were ever going to completely convince Kaidan.

 

“I do trust you, John! Damn it! It... it all just happened so fast. I mean, we thought that the attackers were after us, and then it turned out to be you. When I saw you, I just... froze up. Then when Udina said you were working for Cerberus, all those feelings from Horizon floated to the surface, and I... I choked. I'm sorry!”

 

“Well maybe that's another reason we shouldn't be together,” Shepard said, voice a little louder than he intended. “Let's not do this here,” he added, realizing his outburst had garnered them some stares, including the two women who'd propositioned him moments ago. He stood swiftly and strode toward the door, clutching the whiskey bottle in his fist and snarling at the two women. It was beneath him, and he knew it. But he was pissed and wanted to make everyone around him suffer for it. The two women recoiled from him, and he smiled smugly, eyeing them as he passed.

 

“That was uncalled for,” Kaidan said, catching up and matching the Commander's pace.

 

“Felt like being generous,” Shepard shrugged.

 

Kaidan just rolled his eyes and called them a taxi. “I rented us a hotel room for the night. We're going there to talk.”

 

“Like hell! I'm going back to the ship. We're heading out tomorrow. See you around... _Major_!”

 

“Don't do this, John!” Kaidan stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Please. Let's talk this out like two adults.”

 

John stopped and looked at him, and those brown eyes pleading with him melted his resolve just a little. He swore under his breath, then sighed, “Fine. Let's go talk.”

 

They rode to the hotel in silence, John periodically swigging from the whiskey bottle and staring out the window. He was uncomfortable. His armor was beginning to chafe, and he was wishing he'd taken the time to go shower and change. When they made it into the hotel room, he pulled off his gauntlets and chest piece, carefully laying his guns on the coffee table, then he at least felt like he could breathe.

 

“Want a shower?” Kaidan asked, grabbing a couple of beers out of the mini fridge and passing one to John.  


“I don't have any clothes. I'll just wait.” He turned up the beer and drained half of it before slumping back on the sofa.

 

“You can borrow a pair of my shorts.”

 

He thought about that. He was miserably uncomfortable at the moment. “Alright,” he said at length. “Thanks.” He was filthy and felt terrible – inside and out. Maybe the shower would clear his head. He stripped the outer pieced of his armor, keeping his under armor on until he got into the bathroom. He was not ready to be naked in front of Kaidan yet. The water was set just shy of scalding, turning his skin nice and pink as he stood under the pelting spray. He watched the drain as the muddy brown water, a mixture of the soot and blood that coated him, swirled down, washing away the grime of the day. And what a fucking day it had been. His head hit the shower wall, and he just stood there, feeling nothing – feeling everything.

 

“John,” he heard Kaidan calling through the door.

 

“I'm fine. Just... thinking.”

 

“Okay. I'll... be here... I'll always be here for you, John. I'm... sorry about today. I love you!”

 

Shepard muttered a curse under his breath, then grabbed the soap and quickly scrubbed off. He emerged from the bathroom in a cloud of steam, skin red and damp, wearing Kaidan's too-tight shorts. John was taller and broader than Kaidan, but it would have to do.

 

“Those look good on you,” Kaidan grinned, eyeing him up and down.

 

John smiled in spite of himself, flopping onto the couch. “Probably look better on you.” Then blue eyes locked with honey-brown, and a world of hurt and forgiveness, confusion and understanding, anger and love passed between them unspoken. “Kaidan...” John dropped his gaze to the floor. “I'm me. I'm the guy I've always been. I was never loyal to Cerberus. I was under orders from Anderson. I couldn't tell you. Probably shouldn't be telling you now, but I don't know what the hell else I can say to you. My words haven't convinced you. Obviously my actions haven't convinced you. I've given you my heart, and that's not enough.... I just... don't have anything else left to give.”

 

Kaidan knelt in front of him, forcing him to meet his eyes. “John, I love you. I trust you. I believe you. The thing today, it... The moment I realized that Udina couldn't be telling the truth, I lowered my weapon. I... don't know how else I can apologize. I fucked up, okay? I'm asking for your forgiveness, for your trust. I don't want to lose this.” He gestured between them before laying his palm against the heart-shaped scar that Shepard still had from his childhood. “And your heart is more than enough for me. More than I deserve. It's all I've ever wanted.”

 

“I love you, too. I don't want to lose you either,” Shepard huffed, every ounce of fight leeching out of his body. The weariness of the day settled into his bones, bowing his head and shoulders.

 

Kaidan pulled him into his arms. “I'm sorry, John.”

 

“Thane died today - the drell from the hospital. The Cerberus assassin stabbed him. He was sick already and couldn't...” He choked on a sob and buried his face in Kaidan's neck, breathing in the scent of the man he loved, letting the familiar smell ground him in this moment. “I feel like I'm losing control. Everything is falling apart around me. My friend's are dying. I'm fighting with you on top of fighting Cerberus and the reapers, and it's just too much. I'm just one man. How does this all depend on me?” He wrapped his arms around Kaidan in a crushing embrace.

 

“John... things are bad and getting worse. We know the score, but... you're not alone. I'll be right there with you, shouldering the burden with you... if you'll let me.” He pulled away, gripping Shepard's face and holding his gaze. “Hackett offered me a position with the fleet, but I want to come with you on the Normandy. If you'll have me.”

 

“You belong on the Normandy, Kaidan... with me. I'm not sure I could do this without you.” He cupped the other man's face in his large hands and pulled him close, lips brushing gently together. “I forgive you,” he murmured. “Missed you.”

 

“I missed you, too,” Kaidan breathed. “John, I need you to know... I'll never doubt you again.” Their lips met once more, tender, searching, becoming familiar. They drifted apart after a few moments, and Kaidan took a minute to study the face in front of him. The normally tanned complexion looked ashen. The bright blue eyes were dull and bloodshot with dark rings beneath. “You look exhausted,” he said.

 

“I am... and hungry,” he grinned.

 

“Want to order Chinese?”

 

“Sounds good to me. Can we eat it in bed and watch Blasto?”

 

Kaidan laughed, “Sure. Not exactly what I had planned for tonight, but-”

 

“Shit! I forgot you said you had plans. Let me get dressed and get back to the Normandy to change, then we can go.”

 

“I was just going to take you out for dinner,” Kaidan said, “And then bring you back here for dessert.”

 

The lilt in his voice had John raising one eyebrow. “Oh yeah?”

 

“Yeah,” Kaidan said, stepping closer and gripping Shepard by the hips, “but your idea sounds better right now. Maybe we can still have that dessert in a little while though.”

 

“I could go for that... but first, food,” he planted a kiss on Kaidan's lips. “I want Schezwan shrimp and egg rolls.”

 

“I take it I'm ordering.”

 

“I'll pay,” he dug in a pocket of his armor and tossed his credit chit to Kaidan. “I'm just going to lie down till the food comes.”

 

Kaidan found him five minutes later, lying face down on the bed sound asleep. It wasn't the night he had planned, but he wouldn't change it for anything.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Hopefully this chapter wasn't too terribly bad. At least they fought and made up all in one chapter. I could have dragged it out again! ;)
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan finally joins the crew of the Normandy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More love and sap again. I promise the whole thing isn't going to devolve into nothing but sappiness, but are y'all really going to complain about more lovey goodness? :)

Artificial light streaming through the window roused Shepard, and he brought a fist to his eye to rub the sleep away. The last thing he remembered was telling Kaidan to order dinner and going to lie down. That had obviously been hours ago. A heavy weight across his chest had him grinning, and he turned his head to see Kaidan sprawled out at his side, one arm and leg thrown over Shepard's own body. His hair was tousled from sleep, his expression peaceful, and John couldn't resist tracing the edge of his jaw with a fingertip then ghosting his lips against Kaidan's. It had been a lifetime since he'd felt this happy, and he knew his smile reflected that.

 

His hands continued to wander over pale skin and sinuous muscle, and the older man eventually began to stir. Shepard wasted no time in rolling him onto his back the second his eyes blinked open, lips moving against Kaidan's neck, making him breathless. “Sorry I passed out on you last night,” he murmured.

 

“That's okay,” Kaidan assured him. “You needed the rest. Besides, I have the feeling you're about to make it up to me.”

 

John laughed, a deep, low sound that had Kaidan arching into him. “I was more worried about missing dinner,” he teased.

 

“Mmm, yeah, I don't blame you,” Kaidan's voice was a harsh whisper as John's fingers wriggled between them, edging closer to his entrance. “I ate yours, too. It was good. Should have had some.”

 

“That seems to be a habit with you these days,” Shepard said, nipping a sliver of skin between his teeth in punishment.

 

“Well, next time, you need to hang around long enough to eat your own food!”

 

Leaning up on his elbows, John caught Kaidan's eyes and said, soft and soothing, “I'm not going anywhere, Kaid. Not if I can help it.”

 

Their mouths met, gentle yet seeking, as their bodies rocked together, hardened dicks trapped between them. Kaidan glanced at the nightstand, and John followed his eyes, spotting the bottle of lube sitting here. Taking the hint, he wasted no time pouring some onto his fingers, grinning when Kaidan hissed at the cold contact against his opening. It wasn't long, though, before the older man was writhing around John's digits. Shepard purposed to see the man come undone, and toward that end, sought out his prostate, massaging with uneven strokes designed to keep Kaidan on the razor's edge of release for as long as possible.

 

John slid down Kaidan's body, mouthing against his skin the whole way, until he was positioned between the man's legs, one set of fingers gripping the base of his cock tightly while the others continued their assault on his prostate. He let the rigid member slip between his lips without resistance, moaning when Kaidan bucked into him and twisted the sheets in his fists, uttering a raspy, “Fuck, John.”

 

He didn't apply any pressure to the cock in his mouth, just let it slide in and out as his head bobbed, flicking his tongue across the tip on every upstroke. Each time he felt Kaidan getting close to release, he eased off, fingers coming to a stand still inside his body, moving to place fluttering kisses to his hips and thighs, ignoring his dick altogether. Kaidan's body trembled with anticipation and the need to find some relief from the throbbing ache. Shepard caught his eyes, reveling in the pleading look and the needy whine he received. With a wicked grin, John abandoned his lover completely, rolling onto his back, and bringing Kaidan with him.

 

“Are you trying to kill me?” Kaidan asked, slathering John's cock with lube and positioning himself to sink down onto it.

 

“Death by blow job doesn't sound like such a bad way to go to me,” John quipped, voice choking off into a growl as he entered his lover's body.

 

Kaidan responded with a breathy laugh turned moan as he rolled his hips forward, grinding down against his lover. John gripped him tightly, guiding his movements and matching them with his own thrusts. Their eyes stayed locked as they moved together, and whispered I love you's, encouragements, and endearments filled the air around them. Sensing that Kaidan was close, John took his cock in hand, stroking it with strong, sure pulls. He cupped a hand around the back of the older man's neck, dragging him down for a blistering kiss. Kaidan's movements shuddered to a stop as he broke, his cries of bliss drowned in John's mouth. Shepard took up his lover's slack, driving his hips upward until he too was coming undone, Kaidan's name a desperate plea upon his lips.

 

Their limbs tangled around each other as they relaxed into the bed, lips and fingers still offering gentle caresses. “John?” Kaidan whispered when they'd cooled down some.

 

“Hm?”

 

“I just... After yesterday, I wanted to make sure... are we good?”

 

John met his eyes, a smile wrinkling the corners, “Yeah... yeah, we're good. I love you, Kaid.”

 

“I love you, too.”

 

**

 

Kaidan checked his chrono – 1750. The Normandy was leaving in ten minutes. He could feel the slight vibration of the drive core warming up in preparation. They had just barely made it back to the ship in time for Shepard's duty shift to start that morning, and they'd spent so much time in the shower together they'd had to skip breakfast. Shepard had walked with him to the captain's cabin and informed him that he would very much love having a roommate – a sentiment punctuated with a deep kiss. Then the Commander had disappeared, and Kaidan hadn't seen him since. He'd grabbed a handful of ration bars and settled himself into the starboard lounge to work on his reports of the previous day's events for the Council. He didn't even want to think of the backlash the Alliance would receive from their own councilor turning traitor and staging a coup.

 

The reports had taken much longer than anticipated, and he realized that he'd been sitting, hunched over a datapad for hours. He stood and stretched, stifling a yawn as his back cracked and popped with the movement. Tucking the datapad into his pocket, he headed for the mess to grab a snack, having missed lunch completely. The crew deck was all but empty. Only Liara sat at a table in the mess, sipping a cup of tea and reading a datapad. Kaidan found some more ration bars and a cup of coffee. “This seat taken?” he asked the asari, sitting across from her.

 

“Kaidan! I'm so glad you are finally able to join us on the Normandy. How have you been?” she asked, reaching out to pat his arm gently.

 

“Can't complain,” Kaidan said. “Despite the war of all time raging around us, my life is going great. Kinda makes me feel a little guilty, to be honest.”

 

“You shouldn't feel guilty. You and Shepard deserve a little happiness if anyone does. Congratulations!”

 

“Thanks. I... who would have thought, all those years ago, that we'd be here now? It's... well, it's a little overwhelming if you think about it too hard.”

 

“I can imagine. You and Shepard have been through so much to get to this point.”

 

Kaidan smiled, he couldn't seem to help himself. Not only were he and John finally together after what felt like an eternity of waiting, but Liara was genuinely happy for them. He'd considered the asari a friend from the moment Shepard had brought her aboard the first Normandy, and despite the fact that anyone with eyes could see that she'd carried a torch for the Commander ever since, she'd never been anything but supportive of John and Kaidan's relationship. “I don't suppose you've seen him anywhere,” he asked. “I haven't seen him since we came aboard this morning.”

 

“I believe the Commander is in the war room. He spends much of his time there aboard the ship – monitoring the data feeds that are changing almost constantly. Hackett and Anderson both keep him fairly busy with updates and reports as well.”

 

“Crew, five minutes to departure,” Shepard's voice sounded through the comm. “Ground team, report to the war room for mission brief.”

 

“Speak of the devil,” Kaidan said with a smile. He stuffed the ration bars in his pocket and grabbed another cup of coffee for Shepard. If he knew John, and he did, the man had probably not eaten anything all day and was subsisting solely on coffee and stubbornness.

 

He entered the war room, and saw that he'd been right. They'd been on the ship for twelve hours, and Shepard looked like he was about to fall down. Of course, he suspected he was the only one who would pick up on the signals of Shepard's exhaustion. The Commander was excellent at hiding his emotions and even his physical suffering. Kaidan passed the coffee to his lover and set the handful of ration bars on the console in front of him. John quickly grabbed his hand, squeezing lightly – a silent thank you that was over almost before it began.

 

 

Shepard sipped his fresh cup of coffee and kneaded the back of his neck while the team filed in. James was the last one to enter the room, his boisterous voice giving away his approach before he was actually in view. “Nice of you to join us, Vega,” Shepard said, dryly. “Alright – priority mission from Hackett. There's been another Prothean artifact uncovered on Eden Prime.” He cut his eyes toward Kaidan, who stiffened slightly. “Cerberus has gotten wind of it – of course – and we've got to go take it back from them. We should be arriving in system in eight hours. Alenko, T'soni – you're on the ground team. Vakarian, you're on standby.” He raised his omni-tool and tapped a few commands. Immediately Kaidan's, Liara's, and Garrus' omni-tools pinged a received message – the full mission brief. “Get some shut-eye before we head down. Who knows what we'll actually find there. When we leave Eden Prime, we'll be heading into geth space – the Perseus Veil. The quarians finally want to talk. We'll have to wait till we get there for more details, but suffice to say, we've got plenty to do to keep us busy. Alenko, I need to speak with you in the comm room. The rest of you are dismissed.”

 

Grabbing two of the ration bars, Shepard turned on his heel and marched into the comm room. He was standing to the side of the room that wasn't clearly visible from the war room, and when Kaidan entered, he motioned him over into the corner with him. “Thanks for this,” he said, waving the ration bar and giving Kaidan a quick peck on the lips. “I haven't eaten since sometime yesterday.”

 

“John!” Kaidan's brows drew together in agitation.

 

“I know, I know. I just get so damned busy.” He took a large bite of the ration bar, then mumbled around the food in his mouth, “I wanted to make sure you're okay with being on the ground team.”

 

“Yeah. I mean, there are some bad memories, but we have to do what we have to do, right?”   
  


Shepard just nodded and chewed. “Listen,” he said around another bite of food. “There's another thing. Allers, the reporter, wants to do an interview with me in my – _our_ – cabin regarding the coup. I don't want to do it, but I have to. Anyway, I don't want-”

 

“You need me to steer clear for a couple hours. No problem.”

 

“I hate that it feels like I'm trying to hide you. You know that's not the case. I just don't want our personal life plastered all over the tabloids.”

 

“John, you know I understand.” He stole a glance around and leaned in for a kiss. “I don't want to see us in the tabloids either. Maybe I'll go offer to help Garrus calibrate the cannon,” he grinned.

 

“Bring your gun!”

 

Kaidan laughed, and Shepard pulled him in for another, longer kiss. “I'll call you when I'm done. Maybe we can have dinner together upstairs?”

 

“I'll be looking forward to it, Commander.”

 

“Mmm!” John stole one more kiss. “Love you!”

 

“Love you!”

 

**

 

“She's already recorded a piece on us,” John said by way of greeting when Kaidan entered the cabin with two trays of food.

 

“The reporter?”

 

“Yeah. I have veto power on all pieces she files, still... I don't like her having it. Too easy to leak the information. Speaking of leaking information. Liara is the new Shadow Broker.”

 

Kaidan's jaw dropped, and he nearly dropped the trays in his hands, too.

 

Shepard jumped up to help him. “Sorry, I guess I shouldn't have just blurted that out like that. She was looking for the Shadow Broker to rescue her friend who was kidnapped when they stole my... body.” He inhaled deeply. "Anyway, we found him and killed him, and Liara took over his operation."   
  


Kaidan muttered a curse under his breath, then took note of John's uneasy expression. “It's hard for you to talk about, isn't it?”

 

“It's just... weird to think about.” He gripped Kaidan's hand, lacing their fingers together as they sank back on the couch. “I imagine it is for you, too.”

 

“Yeah... I just try not to.”

 

“Ditto,” Shepard sighed. “Anyway, I'm hoping she can hack into Allers' files and delete the piece. I'll have her set up a virus to delete any information she gathers on us. I guess we'll just have to be careful not to give her any more ammo.”

 

“Well that's no fun.”

 

“Tell me about it.” Shepard looked at Kaidan, bringing his free hand up to stroke the man's cheek. “Have I told you how glad I am to have you here?”

 

“No, but I gathered.” Their lips met briefly. “I'm glad to be here, too.”

 

“Let's eat! I'm starving!”

 

They ate in comfortable silence, as they usually did. It had been that way from the very beginning. Shepard was the one person in the galaxy that Kaidan didn't feel compelled to always be talking to. It was nice to just be able to sit in the presence of another and feel no pressures. When the food was gone, John took his hand again, fingers twining together, thumb rubbing a lazy circle on the back of Kaidan's hand. He yawned and laid his head back on the couch, gazing at the bubbling water in the empty fish tank.

 

“Why is there a fish tank?” Kaidan asked at length.

 

“I have no idea. The display case? I get that. Fish tank? Who knows. I'm not sure who designed the ship. I kind of had the feeling that Miranda had a role in furnishing this room though. Not sure if it was her idea or what.”

 

“How come there's no fish in it?”

 

“There were... I killed them.” Seeing Kaidan's expression, he quickly amended, “Not on purpose! I... may have forgotten to feed them... for two weeks. It was a mess.”

 

Kaidan laughed. “I have a confession to make. I already knew that.” John gave him a questioning look, and he went on, sighing, “One day I saw Garrus in a bar on the Citadel. Back when you were still with... Cerberus. He was drinking alone, so I ordered a drink and sat with him. You called in the middle of our conversation, and... I was listening in the whole time. I'm sorry.”

 

“Why are you sorry?”

 

“Because, you said things... about me. You were confiding in Garrus about your frustrations with me and how I shut you down on Horizon. It was personal... not meant for my ears, but I think Garrus wanted me to hear what you had to say. He kept trying to convince me to come back to the Normandy, to come back to you, and I wouldn't listen. Then after everything I heard that day, and... I knew that you were under orders from Anderson to stay with Cerberus, too. Anderson had already told me. Hell, even he was trying to convince me to give you another chance,” his laugh was bitter. “And then Mars... and yesterday... Some shitty boyfriend I am!” He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, face buried in his hands. “I'm sorry, John. I... don't know why you put up with me – why you don't just kick me out on my ass.”

 

“Because I love you,” Shepard said with a shrug as if that was all the explanation needed. Kaidan stared at him, dubious, and seeing that wasn't going to be enough, John continued, “Do you know how many times I've doubted myself during all this? To wake up one morning and find that you've been dead for two years and rebuilt by terrorists – that everything you knew, or thought you knew, is gone or changed, it takes a toll. I don't blame you for not trusting me. I don't know if I would have trusted you if the roles were reversed, to be honest. I mean... yeah, it hurt like hell, and by the time we got to Mars, I was pissed, and ready to say to hell with it. But... then you got hurt, and when I thought you were going to die... I thought it was all over then. Any anger or bitterness I had dissipated in that moment, and all I knew was that I loved you and I didn't want it to end that way.”

 

He picked up Kaidan's hand again, the one still wearing the wedding band he'd left in the deposit box, and fiddled with the silver band. “I took your glove off so I could hold your hand, because I... needed to feel you – needed that touch to ground me, to stop my world from spinning out of control the way it had been for the last year that I'd been alive, and I saw that ring. And it... it was the first spark of hope I'd felt since waking up on that damn space station. I don't blame you for the way you have struggled with this, Kaidan. I've struggled just as much, but we're here now, and this is all I want. It's more than I had even dreamed of.”

 

Their eyes locked – sapphire-blue and honey-brown – for a few brief moments, and then their lips met, a forceful crash that would leave bruises for tomorrow. Kaidan's tongue was insistent, demanding entry into John's warm mouth, and Shepard opened eagerly, craving the taste of his lover. Kaidan bit the younger man's lip until he tasted blood. A grunt from Shepard had him whispering apologies against his jaw, but they didn't stop. Teeth nipped along John's jawline, as hands frantically searched for skin to touch. Shepard was pushed down onto the couch, and Kaidan climbed up to straddle him, lips seeking him out again.

 

The sex was hot, uncontrolled, and desperate – just the way their whole life felt at the moment. When it was over, they lay in a boneless heap on the couch for several minutes, bodies descending from their blissful high. When their breathing settled some, Kaidan lifted his head, placing a tender kiss first on John's bruised and bloodied lips then on the heart-shaped brand on the Commander's chest. Lazy fingers carved through Kaidan's sweat damp hair as they lay there, wrapped in each others arms, and Kaidan's ear pressed against John's chest so he could hear that reassuring heart beat.

 

“Why didn't you wake me when you came to see me in jail?”

 

Kaidan froze. “How did you find out about that?”

 

“Vega. When you were in the hospital, I... well, to be perfectly frank, I flipped out and lost my shit... at least that what James said,” he chuckled. “I think he thought it would help me, but it didn't. It just made me more anxious for you to wake up. Partly so I could kick your stubborn ass, but mostly so I could kiss your gorgeous face.”

 

The Major lifted his head to look into Shepard's eyes, and they smiled. “I love you, John Shepard.”

 

“I love you too, Kaidan Alenko.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting! I love y'all!! :)
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Normandy boys bond over a game of poker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Minor reference to non consensual sex.

“It's poker night,” Shepard said as they shed their armor in the cargo bay. Kaidan was still reeling from the fact that the Prothean _artifact_ on Eden Prime had turned out to be an actual, living, breathing Prothean. Come to think of it, a night of cards and drinking might be just the thing he needed. One thing was for sure, traveling with Shepard was never dull.

 

“I'm feeling lucky tonight,” James shouted from his workbench. “Your ass is finally going to be mine, Commander!”

 

“Afraid I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Vega,” Kaidan's smooth voice sounded, a hint of a smile breaking through. “I've already staked my claim.”

 

Shepard chuckled, shaking his head while James stammered and backpedaled his way through an apology. “I'm heading up for a shower,” he murmured passing Kaidan on his way to the elevator.

 

“On your six,” Kaidan replied, quietly.

 

“With any luck!” The Commander turned to face him, walking backward toward the elevator. His cocky grin was doing funny things to Kaidan's insides, and he hoped no one else noticed how quickly he shed the rest of his armor and practically ran to catch up with Shepard.

 

They showed up in the lounge hand in hand an hour later. Kaidan's hair was still wet from their shower. For once, he hadn't gelled it into submission, just raked his fingers through the thick, black strands and let it go. Shepard had kissed his temple and murmured about how much he loved his hair. For his part, Shepard was looking amazing in a pair of tight-fitting jeans and a plain white t-shirt that showed every line and contour of muscle underneath. Kaidan was going to have a hard time concentrating on the game. Not that he was any better, Shepard had already warned him that his jeans and tight, black sweater were driving him crazy and that he wouldn't be held responsible if he threw him over the card table and took him on the spot, right in front of everyone.

 

“'Bout time you two showed up!” James hollered when they walked in. “What the hell took you so long? I've been out of the shower for half an hour already!” Cortez elbowed him, but the large marine was oblivious, “What?”

 

“That's because you were showering alone, Vega,” Shepard drawled, setting a box of cigars on the table and chuckling at Vega's reddening face. “I brought us a treat!”

 

“Damn, Commander,” Joker said, taking a cigar from the box. “These must have cost a fortune!”

 

Shepard just shrugged. “The turian councilor sent them as a thank you for saving his ass the other day.”

 

“Well, it's about damn time they showed you a little appreciation,” Joker said.

 

Ignoring the pilot, Shepard took two cigars from the box and passed one to Kaidan. The Major produced a lighter, and proceeded to light the Commander's cigar for him. John blew out a cloud of smoke then leaned in to kiss Kaidan softly, “Thanks!”

 

“Are, uh, are you guys going to be doing that all night?” James asked, shifting in his chair.

 

“Yes!” The Major and Commander said in unison, lips meeting once more in proof of point.

 

“What are you drinking, Major?” Shepard asked, heading toward the bar.

 

“Whiskey, on the rocks.”

 

“Anybody else?” He returned in a few moments with an armload of drinks, beers for Vega and Cortez, whiskey for Kaidan and himself, brandy for Garrus, and vodka for Joker. They'd made a habit of this. Once a week since leaving Earth, the men would gather around the poker table and drink, smoke cigars, shoot the shit, and play cards all while pretending that the galaxy wasn't going to hell around them. Shepard liked to think it helped keep everyone's head screwed on straight. It helped him anyway. For one night a week, he wasn't _Commander Shepard_. He was just one of the guys.

 

They never played for real money, just the pride of winning, but regularly, James would insist that they played strip poker. Tonight was no exception. Joker groaned when the suggestion was made. “What is it with you always wanting to see everybody naked, Vega?” Garrus asked.

 

“It's not about seeing you naked, Scars! It's about the humiliation you'll feel when you lose and have to walk back to the main battery with your ass hanging out!”

 

“I'm game!” Shepard said, grinning wickedly.

 

“I didn't know you were an exhibitionist, Commander,” Steve said with a chuckle.

 

“I'm not. I'm gay! Being in a room full of naked men is like a fantasy come true.” He winked at Kaidan, who just shook his head and laughed.

 

Steve leaned across the table to clink glasses with Shepard's. “I'll drink to that!”

 

James and Joker blushed, Garrus groaned. It was going to be a good night. In the end they decided to humor James and play strip poker. Of course James was the first to lose his shirt... literally. Shepard lost on three of a kind to Kaidan, who demanded his shirt. He happily handed it over, relishing how Kaidan's eyes raked over his naked torso.

 

“You have tattoos, Commander?” James exclaimed. “Tell me about them.”

 

“Used to be a lot more, but you know the whole dying thing. Still have the N7,” he turned his right shoulder toward the table giving everyone a better view. “And most of the Reds.” He turned again, showing the back of his left shoulder blade. About a quarter of the red triangular tattoo was gone, grafted over by new skin or synth-flesh. He wasn't sure which. “These,” he pointed to the tally marks on his left rib cage, “are for gang kills.”

 

“You were in a gang?” Steve asked, incredulous.

 

Shepard just shrugged. It wasn't something he was proud of or liked to talk about. “It was a long time ago.” The shuttle pilot seemed to take the hint.

 

“But what's with the heart?” James asked. “It doesn't look quite right.” The marine leaned forward, squinting his eyes for a better view.

 

“That's because it's not a tattoo. It's a brand.” He took a swig of his drink and focused on the cards in his hand.

 

Kaidan shook his head lightly when James opened his mouth to say something else. “Garrus, I believe it's your turn,” the Major announced.

 

“I'm in,” the turian said, tossing a handful of chips into the center of the table. “You know, I was thinking about this human woman from my time at C-Sec the other day. Her whole arm was covered in tattoos – nothing like Jack, mind you, but... I wonder where she is these days?”  
  


“Did she have tattoos anywhere else?” Shepard asked, his smile returning.

 

“Uh... one.”

 

“Come _on_ Scars! Don't keep us in suspense! Where was it?”

 

“Right on her left ass cheek,” the turian moved his mandibles in what everyone at the table had come to recognize as a smirk.

 

“I've got one on my ass cheek, too,” John said, grinning at Kaidan.

 

Kaidan blushed, then chuckled, “Yeah, me too!”

 

“Please tell me you two do not have each others names tattooed on your ass!” Joker said.

 

“Okay, we won't tell you,” Shepard assured. He looked at Kaidan, who grinned and nodded. “We'll show you.” Both men quickly stood and bared their asses to their friends who, among other things, were astonished to see that they did indeed have the other's name tattooed on their asses.

 

“We have got to hear that story!” James shouted as his fist hit the table.

 

“It was after the Battle of the Citadel,” Kaidan started. “The whole crew had gone out to celebrate, and John and I were...” He paused, looking for the right word.

 

“Wasted!” John supplied.

 

“Fucked up,” Joker added.

 

“Hammered,” Garrus tossed in.

 

“All of the above,” Kaidan agreed. “I don't even remember making it back to the Normandy. Hell, I don't even remember leaving Flux. All I know is, I woke up the next morning and it felt like my ass was on fire... well, more so than usual,” he winked at Shepard who barked a laugh. Cortez tapped Shepard's glass again, and the other three men blushed, “and there they were. 'Kaidan' across his right cheek, 'John' across mine. I can't even begin to imagine the thought process that led us there.”

 

“I had to get mine redone,” John admitted.

 

“Really?” Kaidan asked.

 

“Yep. It was one of the first things I did, after I woke up. After I found Garrus on Omega, we went out for some drinks. I ended up at the tattoo parlor.”

 

“Yes, that was a defining moment in my life,” Garrus admitted. “Seeing Shepard drunk on a table with his ass in the air babbling on about Alenko, well... let's just say it was an unforgettable experience.” Everybody laughed.

 

A few more rounds of poker and a few more drinks down the gullet had James down to just his skivvies, Joker topless, Steve in his shorts and t-shirt, Shepard and Kaidan both down to just jeans, and Garrus fully clothed with a pile of his crew mate's clothing on the floor beside him.

 

“So, I feel like we've bonded enough to talk about everybody's first time,” James said, slurring a little. Everyone groaned. “I'll go first,” the marine offered. “My friend had this sister, Lola. Damn she was hot.”

 

“How did it go?” Steve asked.

 

“Oh, it wasn't with her. She wouldn't give me the time of day. It was his cousin, Amy. We were both fifteen. I gave her the best nigh of her life!”

 

“I'm sure,” Cortez said, rolling his eyes. “I was seventeen. A girl I went to school with. It was... informative.”

 

Shepard brought his glass to Cortez' this time. “Got one of those myself,” he confessed. When everyone stared at him expectantly, he sighed, “I always knew I was gay. It wasn't my first time, but I thought I'd be doing myself a disservice if I didn't try it at least once. It was... horrible! Hands down the most humiliating experience of my life. Hopefully she was too drunk to know who I was, or that she was just as embarrassed as I was. If not, well, be on the look out for the revealing tell-all book that's sure to come out after the war – My Night With Commander Shepard: How I Discovered That the First Human Spectre is Completely Lousy in Bed!”

 

“I could write volumes countering that point,” Kaidan said with a wicked gleam in his eye.

 

“Thank you for defending my dignity,” Shepard said, leaning over for a quick kiss, his eyes holding the same heat as his lover's.

 

“Okay, so that might have been your first time with a woman-”

 

“Only time,” Shepard corrected James. “I wasn't about to go down that road again.” He shuddered, drawing another round of laughter.

 

“Okay, but what about your first time with a dude?”

 

Shepard stared into his glass for a few seconds before he felt a hand on his thigh. He looked over at Kaidan who was shaking his head slowly. “The first time it was my choice,” Shepard said finally, “I was sixteen. There was another guy in the gang. Greg was his name. We'd been through some... stuff together. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. We were both so riled up it was over before it really got started.” He brought his drink to his lips, emptying the glass. “Too bad all our firsts couldn't have been as mind-blowing as Vega's,” he said with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

 

“What do you mean the first time it was your choice?”

 

Shepard leveled his gaze at Vega, the look in his blue eyes somewhere between a challenge and blind fury. “What do you think I mean, lieutenant?” His voice had taken on that hard edge that belonged on the battlefield, and not at the poker table.

 

“I was sixteen, too,” Kaidan interrupted, trying to redirect the conversation. “Well, I guess I was still technically fifteen. It was the night before my birthday. Her name was Carol. It was... yeah, there was a lot of awkwardness and fumbling, but we, ah, got the job done, so...”

 

“Fifteen, at boot camp,” Garrus said, keeping the conversation going and distracting James from grilling the Commander. “I don't remember much. There was a lot of alcohol, and I seem to remember a supply closet. I don't know. It must not have been very good if I can't even remember it.”

 

“My first time I was eighteen,” Joker said. “A girl from Basic. Her name was Petra, which is surprising considering how careful she was with me. Would have been embarrassing to have to take me to the infirmary with a broken pelvis afterward, I guess.”

 

“Well, Vega, that was a lovely trip down memory lane,” Shepard said, voice still a little rough. He thought for a moment that it would be better to ask about everyone's last time, but then he remembered Steve and how he'd lost his husband, and decided against it. Better to change topics altogether. “So, what made you enlist, James?”

 

“My uncle,” James shrugged. “Wanted to be just like him when I grew up. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. You?”

 

“It was the only way I could see out of the hell I was in.” John's eyes went distant as he spoke.

 

Kaidan was in the business of saving the night it seemed, and once again, he swooped in to take the focus off of John and his tragic upbringing. “I was drowning in a bottle after Brain Camp,” he confessed. “When I finally pulled my head out of my ass long enough to see that what happened there didn't have to define me, I joined up. The Alliance was tracking my every damn move anyway since I was a biotic. Now they still track my every movement, but I get paid for it.”

 

“Some Alliance officers are keeping a sharper eye on your movements than others,” Shepard quipped, cocky grin returning. Kaidan rolled his eyes at the terrible joke, but couldn't help but laugh.

 

“Military service is mandatory for all turians starting at age fifteen,” Garrus said, shrugging.

 

“I wanted to fly,” Joker stated simply.

 

“I joined for the adventure of it,” Cortez admitted. “Thought it would be a good way to see the galaxy on somebody else's dime. Loved it and decided to stay.”

 

“Favorite mission ever?” Kaidan asked, hoping to lighten the mood that had descended on them.

 

Shepard refilled his and Kaidan's glasses then stood, stretching, and he didn't fail to notice the way his lover's eyes roved over his shirtless form. “I'm going with the monkey thing,” Shepard said, laughing as Kaidan and Garrus groaned. “We had to retrieve a data module from Eletania, but the damn thing had been stolen by these... hell, I don't know what they were. They kinda looked like monkeys on Earth. We drove all over that damn planet – colony after colony of those damn things. Finally found it, buried in an underground bunker, but it was worth it to get to watch Garrus and Kaidan chase those damn monkeys all over the place.”

 

“You were doing your fair share of monkey chasing, Shepard,” Kaidan said with a laugh. “I'm going with Feros.”

 

“You hated Feros!” John said.

 

“I hated the thorian and those... things, and the asari it kept puking up, but... Feros was where I realized I was in love with you.”

 

John's eyebrows quirked upward in surprise, “Really?”

 

“Really.” They didn't say anything else, but Kaidan could tell by Shepard's expression that he was touched, remembering their conversation that night that seemed forever ago. John reached over and took Kaidan's hand in his own, his thumb tracing light circles on the back, a small smile playing across his lips.

 

“Well, before those two start making out, I'm going with Omega-4 relay,” Joker said. “Never had a chance to put my piloting skills to the test like that before. Damn, I always knew I was good, but I feel like I was the difference between life and death there for awhile.”

 

“You were,” Shepard said gravely. “We'd have never made it if not for you.”

 

“And my big gun!” Garrus threw in, which had everyone roaring with laughter.

 

“Well, no offense, Garrus, but yours is not the 'big gun' I'm interested in seeing tonight,” Shepard faked a yawn and fixed Kaidan with a pointed look. “I'm feeling pretty sleepy, Major.”

 

Kaidan smiled. “Yeah, me too!”

 

They bid their friends goodnight, leaving their clothes till morning, and Kaidan was already wrapping his arms around Shepard's waist from behind and pressing his lips against the Commander's shoulder before they even made it out the door.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know what you're thinking, "another fluffy chapter?!" Yes, but... though this seem madness, yet there is method in it. :) Trust me. Love y'all!
> 
> find me on the tumblr if you wanna: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan decides it's his turn to be the boss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so... I'm really nervous about this chapter, so go easy on me! lol The idea is based off Kaidan's line to Shepard at the party in the Citadel DLC, "You're the boss... except when you're not..." 
> 
> So, all that to say, smut warning ahead! Oops... *spoiler alert* And this is a good bit different than anything the boys have gotten into before! ;)
> 
> And... most importantly... a huge thank you to FallingOverSideways who beta'd this chapter! I appreciate it my dear!!

John walked into the lounge and froze in his tracks. He'd been wanting a drink – something to take the edge off losing another friend, even if that friend was a geth. What he got was a group of people gathered around James' omni-tool watching a vid of Shepard on Tuchanka, taking on a reaper and a thresher maw... on foot. Kaidan, of course, was standing right in the middle of that group, looking furious. He knew Kaidan was already pissed at him for the whole thing on Rannoch, but he'd been left with little choice. He'd done what was needed – the only thing he could think of at the time. Kaidan would accept it in time, he always did, but it seemed a little too soon for his lover to be reminded of how reckless he could be on the battlefield.

 

He thought about turning around and sneaking away quietly, but who was he kidding? John Shepard had never backed down from a fight in his life. The look Kaidan shot him when he saw him told him that this fight would be one for the ages. How James had managed to take video when they were fighting for their lives was beyond him, but he'd have to remember to thank the lieutenant later. Maybe some KP? Latrine detail? Shooting him out the airlock?

 

“Commander,” Kaidan greeted him.

 

 _Great!_ It was going to be one of _those_ nights! “Major.”

 

“I have some reports to file,” Kaidan said calmly, and strode out of the lounge.

 

“Fuck,” Shepard groaned, turning to follow him. He thought better of it and returned to the bar to grab a bottle of whiskey, shooting daggers at James before making his way to the starboard lounge. Kaidan was staring out the window into the starry expanse of space. Despite the fact that he'd died in space, floating into nothingness, John still loved the view of the endless ocean of stars. “Brought a peace offering,” he said, wrapping his arms around Kaidan's waist and holding the whiskey up in front of him.

 

The Major took the bottle and turned it up, letting his head rest on Shepard's shoulder when he was finished. They stood in silence, letting the feel of the rise and fall of the other's chest center them in this point in time. Honestly, they could stand to do this more often. Just be and breathe and hold each other close. John knew he needed to be reminded on occasion of what – of _whom_ – he was fighting for. He tended to take for granted that Kaidan would always be there, always support his decisions. It wasn't fair to him. Shepard had told him once, long ago, that his decisions affected them both, but lately he'd taken a lot of liberties, expecting Kaidan to just go with the flow and understand his thought processes without even talking to him about it. “I'm sorry,” John whispered, pressing warm, supple lips to Kaidan's neck.

 

“I'm not mad,” Kaidan uttered softly. “Just... scared.”

 

“Me, too.”

 

“Could've fooled me,” he said with a grim laugh then a sigh. “Sometimes there's such a stark contrast between the man I love and the _legend_ of Commander Shepard that I forget you're always you. You're vulnerable and fragile and... mortal. You hear people say, 'Commander Shepard took down a reaper on Tuchanka.' But you don't think about what that means, how you did it. No one knows how. They just know you did, and then to see the how, it's... terrifying. _You're_ terrifying!” He turned to face the younger man. “You scare the shit out of me, John, on a near daily basis!” Kaidan grabbed his face and pulled him into a rough, hard kiss that left them breathless.

 

After, he took a moment to study Shepard's face, to trace the crow's feet at the corners of his eyes and the creases in his brow with a fingertip, noting that they were much more pronounced now than even a few weeks ago. It seemed like only yesterday they'd met as two fresh-faced young men, naive about the true state of the galaxy, believing with all their hearts that they could defeat whatever life threw at them and walk away relatively unscathed. Experiences left their scars, sure, but overall, the world had seemed a hopeful place, a place where they could fall in love and build a life. Reality had a way popping up to punch you in the nose, however, and the last three years had taken their toll – physically, mentally, and emotionally. In some inexplicable way, Shepard looked both stronger and more fragile at the same time. It was almost unnerving.

 

 

His hand rested on Shepard's chest, just inside his N7 hoodie, unerringly finding the heart-shaped scar he'd been branded with as a boy – the horrific reminder of what had been forced on him as a child that even death and resurrection could not erase. Kaidan could feel the raised edges of it through his shirt and he traced it now, willing his thoughts into order and drawing a steeling breath to continue, “Sometimes you're just this... whirlwind that sucks everything and everyone into your wake, and I feel like I'm losing control. And I just need... I just need you to be okay, to come back to me every single time, and I know you can't promise that, and it... just makes me so fucking crazy sometimes.” He stopped, sucking in a ragged breath. “ _You_ make me so fucking crazy sometimes,” he whispered.

 

“I'm sorry, Kaidan.” It was all John could say. He couldn't promise to change. There was too much riding on him doing what he was famous for. For better or worse, this was who he was, would probably always be. He knew it. Looking into Kaidan's eyes, he knew that the older man knew it, too. “I love you.”

 

Watching this man that he loved so much bear the weight of trillions of lives and taking these insane risks in the field was slowly driving Kaidan insane. Knowing what needed to be done and witnessing how Shepard was accomplishing it was terrifying and awe inspiring, and the thought of losing Shepard again so soon was more than he could take. Without warning, he grabbed Shepard by the shoulders and spun him around, slamming his back into the window. John's head hit the glass with a thud that left him a little dizzy, but he didn't have time to react before Kaidan's lips were on him – harsh and bruising. Kaidan stopped long enough to take the bottle of whiskey from his hands and set it on the floor, then he was back. Teeth pulled at the skin of Shepard's neck – painfully so, but they were replaced instantly with an apologetic tongue and velvety lips.

 

“Need you,” Kaidan murmured against his skin.

 

“I'm yours,” Shepard's voice was rough with desire, but soothing, hands smoothing up and down his lover's back. “Take what you need.”

 

Kaidan trembled as he reached for the zipper of John's hoodie, sliding it down quickly and pushing the soft fabric over his shoulders so it floated to the floor. With a growl, his lips were at Shepard's throat again.

 

“EDI,” John gasped as Kaidan's teeth scraped over his neck. “L-lock the door, and... ah, turn off the cameras.”

 

“Yes, Commander.”

 

Kaidan chuckled against his neck, and resumed his onslaught. “I'm going to take you, John. Right here. Right now. And you're going to do everything I say, understood?”

 

“Yes,” John breathed.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Yes, sir.” Kaidan had never been like this, but John couldn't honestly say he minded. In fact, heat shot through him at the thought of his lover being commanding, demanding, forceful.

 

“Do you know what kind of torture it is for me to watch you day in and day out? On the battlefield you're a god. Nothing can touch you. You move like... sex personified, and I just... Fuck! Sometimes I just want to stop in the middle of everything and bend you over and fuck your brains out.” He ripped Shepard's shirt over his head, fingernails raking down the newly exposed skin, raising goosebumps all over the Commander. “You want to know the truth?”

 

“Uh-huh...” It was all his brain would let him utter at the moment.

 

“Seeing you taking on that reaper, those brutes, just... the way you're so fucking fearless when the enemy is throwing everything they've got at you, it...” he bit down on John's shoulder, drawing a growl of appreciation from the man, “it's hot as fuck!”

 

John was straining against his pants, painfully so, as the Major's hands roved his body, kneading his ass, but utterly ignoring the solid desire between his legs. His lips and teeth were still wreaking havoc with the skin of his neck. There would be marks tomorrow. “Kaidan,” he breathed.

 

“You'll call me Major,” Kaidan snapped, and punctuated it with a pinch to the Commander's nipple.

 

“Yes... Major, fuck!”

 

He felt Kaidan's lips curve into a smile against him, and he wanted to beg the man to put him out of his misery. But then Kaidan stepped away and crossed his arms over his chest. John's brain was swimming in a lust induced haze, and he actually whined at the loss of contact. “Strip, marine!” Kaidan ordered, shifting his weight back on one foot.

 

A smile worked it's way through the features of Shepard's face now. “Yes, Major!” Slowly, painfully slow, he unfastened the buckle of his belt, relishing the dark look in his lover's eyes. The belt slid through the loops with the same agonizing speed, and Kaidan watched him, hungry for a sight of the cock he could see straining against Shepard's fatigues. John made to drop the belt, but Kaidan held out his hand with a grabbing motion. With a quirked eyebrow and then a smirk, Shepard tossed it to him, and he caught it, holding it loosely in his hand. He lifted first one foot and then the other to untie and remove his boots and socks, tossing them aside. Kaidan sucked in a breath when John reached for the button to his pants. The zipper slid down between Shepard's finger and thumb, and he ran his hands over his own waist and hips, rough fingers scratching against the fabric of his boxer-briefs. Kaidan licked his lips, earning another grin from his lover.

 

When he was completely naked, he stood at attention, awaiting further orders like any good marine. He couldn't help smiling that Kaidan's eyes were helplessly drawn to his erection, protruding proudly from his hips. “Turn around,” the Major's voice was thick with want, but still forceful. Shepard obeyed. “Put your hands on the window.”

 

“Yes, Major.” John was trembling in spite of himself. He trusted Kaidan implicitly, but this was just fucking hot. He couldn't wait to see what his lover would do next. When it happened, he wasn't prepared for it. He heard the crack of the leather belt a moment before it registered that it was his own ass the belt was cracking against. “Shit,” he hissed, but stood still. Waiting. Kaidan's cold fingers soothed the mark he'd made, squeezing the tender flesh a little too tight. John's head fell against the cool glass, and he groaned.

 

“You like that?”

 

“Yes, Major.”

 

“Fuck, John! Do you have any idea what you do to me?” Kaidan was stepping behind him now, pressing against his back. “Spread your legs,” the Major bumped his feet apart with his own.

 

If he were being honest with himself, Shepard felt a little self-conscious, exposed like this, but he wasn't about to say anything. He was so turned on right now, that any other thoughts fluttered out of his mind without much effort on his part. He shivered as teeth sank into the back of his shoulder. A hot, wet tongue followed, soothing every mark. Kaidan made his way down John's back like this – biting teeth, soothing tongue and lips, until he reached Shepard's ass. Roughly Kaidan spread his cheeks apart, and before John could think, that hot tongue was pressing against his entrance. An involuntary reflex had him thrusting his hips back against the pressure, craving more. He was rewarded with a sharp smack to his ass. He groaned again, and Kaidan laughed – the vibrations shooting straight to his core.

 

The Major's tongue moved tauntingly slow, following a trail around his opening and up to his perineum. Shepard moaned and muttered inarticulately as Kaidan lavished attention on the sensitive area. Fingers ghosted around John's balls and up and down the length of his shaft until his entire body was quivering against the urge to release. Then nimble tongue was thrust inside him, and then a finger, then two. “Please, Major.” Shepard's voice was strong, despite the urgency of his need, and he sighed in relief when his lover finally relented, offering him a brief respite from the overload to his senses.

 

Kaidan stood, the rustling sound let John know the man was taking his clothes off, or at least undoing his pants. In a moment, hot flesh was pressed against his back – a strong arm around his waist. Kaidan pressed his lips against John's back, then pushed his cock forward into his ass without ceremony. “You okay?” Kaidan asked, kissing tenderly along the line of John's shoulders.

 

“Yes, Major.”

 

“Fuck! You're too good at this!” Kaidan slid out and back in with one smooth motion, and John had to fight every instinct to keep from rocking back against the man, fucking himself as hard as he wanted to on Kaidan's thick cock. “Ready?”

 

“Yes, Major...” John's breath was becoming ragged, hoarse with need, and the tight control he'd had up to this point was slipping.

 

“What's this? Commander 'fucking' Shepard losing control? Tsk, tsk... That will never do.” Kaidan bit down hard on John's shoulder.

 

“Ah... fuck! Kaidan!”

 

“Is that how you're supposed to address me, marine?” Kaidan gave him another smack on the ass.

 

“N-no, Major.”

 

Kaidan's fingers gripped John's hips tightly, nails leaving crescent shaped divots in his skin. Slowly, he rocked out of Shepard and back in again. “You're always so controlled, so powerful, so full of fire, John. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with you. Sometimes though, I just want to see you shatter. I want to be the one to make you shatter.”

 

“Yes, Major...”

 

He picked up speed, thrusting into John, harder and harder with each pass. “You're mine, John. Mine! And damn it, I need you... to... I want you to come back to me. Every fucking time.” He was pounding into Shepard's ass now, panting, sweat rolling down both their bodies.

 

“P-please, Major.”

 

Kaidan slowed down as his climax neared – wanting to draw this out, make it last – admiring the view of his lover splayed against the window. “You're so beautiful, John. So fucking perfect in every way. I don't deserve you, and I don't know why in the hell you love me so much, but... fuck... I love you so much it hurts sometimes.”

 

“Me too... Major... Love you.”

 

Kaidan laughed then, pulling John flush against his body. “Tell me what you want, John.”

 

“Just you, Kaidan... you're all I ever want.” He turned his head so their lips could meet, a desperate, hasty tangle of tongues.

 

His body was cocooned against his lovers, so tight he could barely breathe, and he wiggled his hips trying to get leverage to thrust against the man. The Major wasn't giving him any space to move, however. This was his show. He wanted to make that abundantly clear. “Tell me you want me to fuck you!”

 

“Fuck me, Major,” the Commander breathed.

 

“Say it again.”

 

“Fuck me, Major. Please...”

 

Kaidan whispered a curse, then eased his hold enough that they'd both be able to find some leverage. He pulled out and slammed back into Shepard's body again and again. John's head fell forward, hanging limply between his shoulder blades, and all he could do was stand there and take it. He moved his hand down to grip his own cock, but was stopped with another smack to the ass. “Did I say you could touch yourself, marine?”

 

“N-no, Major... god, fuck... please!”

 

“Please what?”

 

“Please let me come, Major!”

 

“Wait for me. Do not come until I tell you to, John. Understand?”

 

“Yes, M-major, sir... fuck!”

 

To be sure he would be obeyed, he gripped the base of the Commander's cock tightly, holding off the orgasm that threatened to burst whether he wanted it to or not. “Wait for me,” Kaidan said again, building speed as he rocked into Shepard. His lips played with the sensitive scar of John's biotic implant, and a blue glow radiated outward from the younger man, encompassing them both and setting their nerves on fire.

 

Shepard whined, low in his throat. “God, please... fuck... I need to... come, Major, please!”

 

“Do it,” Kaidan said, releasing Shepard's cock and thrusting harder and faster. Angling his hips, he knew when he hit that sweet spot inside Shepard. The younger man cursed again, gripping his own cock and stroking it with quick, firm movements. Kaidan hit the spot again, and Shepard cried out – his come shooting all over the cold glass in thick ribbons that ran together down the window.

 

His head hit the glass, and Kaidan thrust into him once more, spilling inside him, hips jerking erratically. They both slumped forward, sinking to their knees, and Kaidan slid out of him and pulled him into his arms before toppling to the floor. They landed in a heap, laughing and heaving great gulps of air. “Holy fuck!” John gasped, pressing his lips against Kaidan's sweat drenched chest.

 

“Yeah,” Kaidan agreed.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is potentially the only chapter I'll post this week, as we're supposed to be taking a trip to the beach. (Woohoo!!) We were supposed to go last week, but our plans got pushed back another week and that could potentially happen again. Anyway... don't expect another update till next Monday... sorry! But hey, if you get one before then, you'll be pleasantly surprised, right? :)
> 
> Thanks for reading and all the comments and kudos. I'm floored that there are over 160 kudos on this story! Y'all are simply the best!! xoxo
> 
> Still on tumblr at: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan receives some troubling news, and John and Kaidan are hounded by the press.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back from vacation, and I brought bronchitis home with me! :/ Thanks for your patience. We did at least have fun at the beach, but I'm feeling pretty terrible today. I'm not a thousand percent happy with this chapter, but... here it is anyway. Hope you enjoy!

Shepard stumbled out of the med-bay, a little more tipsy than he wanted to admit. He and Karin had split their annual – now semi-annual – bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy. Part of the reason he'd imbibed so much was her grave reminder that they may not make it to the end of this year. He'd been making every effort to tamp those fears down – the ones the nightmares were bringing up more and more frequently – but sometimes the fear was so strong there was nothing he could do but ride the wave until it was over. Unfortunately, that was happening more and more frequently, too. The end was drawing nearer, and he knew it. And no amount of sex or booze or time spent with friends and loved ones could counter what he knew deep in his soul – this war would take his life. There would be no second chances.

 

He'd wanted to marry Kaidan before that happened, but the longer the war dragged on, the more sure of his own death Shepard became, the harder it was for him to commit to that. It was hard enough on Kaidan the first time he'd died. To lose a boyfriend was one thing. To lose a husband, well, he only had to look into Cortez's haunted eyes to see what that did to a man. Besides, Kaidan really wanted his parents to be at their wedding. He wouldn't deny his love that even if it meant that they were never able to be married.

 

With these sobering thoughts blundering through his mind, he entered the starboard lounge, desperate for some contact that would pull him back from the abyss of his fears. Desperate for Kaidan. When he saw his lover, his heart sank even further. Kaidan sat on the couch with his head in his hands, a datapad on the floor between his feet, and he just knew. Kaidan's parents.

 

The sight sobered him instantly, and he fell to his knees in front of Kaidan, his own morbid thoughts fleeing in an instant. “What happened?”

 

“Finally got word from my mom. She's safe at the orchard. My... dad,” the word was a sob, and John pulled him into his arms. “He left her there. Reported for active duty. His squad went missing south of Vancouver. He's MIA, John... presumed...” Kaidan couldn't finish. Burying his face in John's neck, he let fall the tears that had been threatening since Traynor had handed him the datapad.

 

“Kaidan, I'm... so sorry.” Shepard held his lover, hands soothing up and down his tired back.

 

“My mom, she's... all alone now.”

 

“Your mom's a strong woman, Kaidan. She had to be to raise you,” he teased gently, earning him a light chuckle from the man in his arms. “She will be brave until you can get back to her.”

 

“She always wanted to go off planet,” he sniffed, raising his head, and wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands. “Maybe when this is all over, I'll... I'll take her.”

 

Shepard nodded, smiling.

 

“ _We'll_ take her,” Kaidan amended.

 

“Sure we will.”

 

Kaidan didn't miss the way John's eyes glistened with tears, the doubt in his voice. “Don't do that!” he snapped.

 

Unshed tears gave way to genuine surprise, “Do what?”

 

“You've given up! You don't think you're going to make it, do you?”

 

“Kaidan-”

 

“Don't 'Kaidan' me! I... need you to make it, John. After this is all over, we're going to go back to Earth and build a life together. All the things we talked about – a house, a garden, kids... a cat.”

 

“We never talked about a cat,” John grinned.

 

“Well, I want a cat.”

 

“Then you'll have one.” Shepard's hand came up to caress the other man's cheek, and he sighed, “Kaidan, I want all those things, too. And you know I'm going to fight like hell for it. But... I can't promise you that. I'll... I have to do whatever is necessary to stop the reapers. It's bigger than me... than us. There's so much riding on this... too much. If it comes to it, you know I'll do what I have to.”

 

“I know,” Kaidan admitted. It was the first time either of them had acknowledged it out loud. Knowing that Shepard would do whatever it took, including sacrificing himself if need be, and hearing him say it out loud were two different things. Fresh tears rolled down his face. “I know all that, but I need to believe that when the dust settles we'll both be standing. That these things we've talked about aren't just wishes and daydreams. They're what we're fighting for, hoping for. I need to believe that you'll be there with me on the other side.”

 

John pressed his lips to Kaidan's, sweet and tender. “What I can promise you is that I won't give up. I'll do whatever I can, whatever is in my power to do, to make sure that it turns out the way we both want. And when the war is over – if we're both still here – then I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to give you everything you could wish for.”

 

“Yeah... me too. I love you, John.”

 

“I love you, too... my knees are killing me.” That earned him another laugh from Kaidan. “Let's go get some grub. I managed to score a copy of the latest Blasto movie. We could head upstairs and snuggle on the couch.”

 

“You're bootlegging vids now?” Kaidan laughed, a genuine laugh this time, and kissed Shepard on the end of the nose.

 

“Well, you know... first human Spectre, savior of the galaxy twice over... there are a few perks,” he grinned, rubbing the end of his nose against Kaidan's. “What do you say? Is it a date?”

 

“Yeah... it's a date!”

 

**

 

Shepard was standing in the mess pouring himself a cup of coffee and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with the ball of his hand when he felt two arms wrap around his waist from behind, two warm lips pressed against the back of his neck. “Morning, Sunshine,” Kaidan murmured against his neck.

 

“Morning.”

 

“You didn't wake me.”

 

“Didn't have the heart,” John said, turning to face his lover, and wrapping his arms around him.

 

“Well, thanks, but ah... next time... wake me.”

 

John smiled and pulled him into a languid kiss, savoring the feel of soft lips and warm tongue against his own. They rarely indulged in displays of affection in the public spaces of the ship – poker night not withstanding – but something about the look in Kaidan's eyes this morning was just so damn irresistible. “Maybe we should head back upstairs,” he whispered against Kaidan's ear, nipping lightly. “I've still got a few minutes before my duty shift starts.”

 

“Good morning, Commander,” Diana Allers' bubbly voice interrupted.

 

Shepard shielded his eyes against the blaring light of the reporter's camera as he took a step back out of Kaidan's embrace. “Turn off that fucking camera, Allers!” he barked. “I've told you before that my personal life is off limits!”

 

“Commander, people want to know the man behind the myth. They want to know what makes you tick. This video would bring a little humanity to the first human Spectre. People need to see that!”

 

“Not to mention what it would do for your ratings,” Kaidan retorted.

 

“Well, there is that, too,” she admitted.

 

“No!” Shepard said with finality. “I let you on this ship on the condition that my personal life was kept out of the public eye. So, unless you want your ass dumped on the next backwater colony we come to, I suggest you delete that vid now!”

 

“Damn it! Why can't you see that the people need this?”

 

“Don't fucking talk to me about what the people need,” he thundered. “You have no idea how much I've sacrificed for _the people_! My personal life is just that... personal. And it damn well better stay that way!”

 

“Eventually someone is going to get photos or vids of the two of you, and you won't be able to stop them from spreading whatever they want. They might even spin it in a negative light!”

 

“She's right, John,” Kaidan admitted with a sigh. “If we did an interview with her, she could at least tell our side – the way we want it told.”

 

John scrubbed frustrated hands over his face. “I don't understand why anyone would care,” he said. “It's not enough that I can't even walk through the damned Citadel without everyone I pass stopping me to ask a favor or beg me to find their missing child or husband? Why can't I just have this? Just... for me, for us.”

 

“Because you're a hero,” Allers said. “They want to know that you're just like they are. That deep down they could be the hero that you are if they just tried hard enough. They want to connect with the man on whom all their hopes and dreams are pinned.”

 

“Fine,” he conceded after several minutes. “We'll do an interview. Later. But there will be no videos of us other than the actual interview. I do not want to see vid of us kissing plastered on every news program in the galaxy, understood?”

 

“Yes, Commander. I'm ready whenever you are.”

 

“Give me an hour.”

 

“In your cabin?”

 

“Starboard lounge,” he said shaking his head. He didn't even want to consider the commentary that would be sparked by doing an interview with his lover with their bed in the background. “Come with me, Kaidan.”

 

“Where are we going?” Kaidan asked when they were in the elevator.

 

“To tell Hackett. I'm sure he knows about us, but a public interview is going to open us both up to a court marshal.”

 

“Yeah... I guess we knew that was always a looming threat.”

 

“Well, if it comes down to it, I'll just fucking resign. They'll have to catch us to take the ship away. All I need to do is finish off the reapers, and I'll be more than glad to give them the damn ship back.”

 

“John, you're not going to resign!”

 

“The hell I won't. I had already considered retiring after this, if... well... I'm tired, Kaidan. Tired of fighting. I want... normal.”

 

The Major just nodded.

 

They stood at parade rest, waiting for Traynor to connect them with Admiral Hackett. “Shepard,” the old man said as he came into focus. “Alenko. What can I do for you two?”

 

“Sir,” Shepard began, taking a deep breath, then getting straight to the point. “I had assumed that you were already aware of my relationship with Major Alenko, but... a recent development has brought new reasons to make sure that you know where we stand. Sir, the Major and I are engaged to be married, and we intend on doing a press conference later today to reveal that fact.”

 

The old man nodded sagely a few times before responding. “You're his CO, Shepard. You know how this is going to look to the rest of the brass.”

 

“Permission to speak freely, Sir?”

 

“Granted.”

 

“The rest of the brass can go fuck themselves. I'm a Spectre, and I'm prepared to resign my commission if necessary.”

 

Hackett chuckled, blue-gray eyes twinkling with delight. “Understood, _Commander_! No need to do anything drastic. Good luck with your press conference, and... congratulations to you both! You both deserve to find some happiness wherever you can. Any word on a date for this celebration?”

 

“We're working on that, Sir,” Kaidan said.

 

“Well, I'll be on the look out for my invitation,” Hackett said with a rare smile.

 

“Yes, sir!” Shepard saluted, smiling.

 

Hackett returned the salute. “Oh, while I have you on the line, I'm ordering the Normandy onto the Citadel for repairs. Anderson has offered to lend you the use of his personal apartment. Effective immediately, you're on shore leave, Commander.”

 

“Sir, I appreciate it, but-”

 

“That's an order Commander. You're no good to anyone if you're worn down. Park the ship and have some fun, Shepard! You've earned it.”

 

“Thank you, sir!”

 

The old man nodded. “Hackett out!”

 

“Sometimes you just don't give a damn about consequences, do you,” Kaidan asked, smiling up at John.

 

“I do, but sometimes the rewards outweigh the risks.” His grin was predatory as he marched Kaidan across the room, pressing him against the wall. His mouth claimed the older man's, tongues twining together. Kaidan opened to his lover, a moan rumbling from deep in his chest.

 

“So, we don't have to meet Allers for another forty-five minutes,” Shepard said with a nip to the Major's neck.

 

“Something on your mind, Commander?”

 

“Yeah... my reward.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments and kudos! They really make my day!!
> 
> My tumblr is here: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John confronts a new fear.

“There's just one more hurdle to overcome,” Liara said as they all stood around the table in Shepard's new apartment.

 

“What's that?” John asked warily. This day had already had its fair share of surprises, what with Joker asking him to dinner – which turned out to actually be a trap – to the attack in the sushi restaurant, to running through the streets, fighting for his life with nothing but a damn pistol. This wasn't how shore leave was supposed to go, but then again, when had anything in his life ever gone how it was supposed to?

 

“Black tie!”

 

He grinned at Kaidan, then shrugged – black tie he could live with. “What the hell. I've already spent more time with clothes on than I intended during this shore leave. Come on, Major. I'll help you with your tie!”

 

Kaidan didn't miss the gleam in John's eye, and rolled his in response. Halfway up the stairs, John's arms snaked around his waist, nearly making him misstep. He was about to protest, but then he felt his shirt pulled out of his waistband and hot fingers against his skin. His reprimand came out like a moan instead, “John!” He could feel Shepard's smile against his skin when lips pressed to his neck.

 

“Just the thought you of you in a suit has me hard as hell,” he whispered, fingers dipping into the Major's waistband, hips pressing forward against his ass, and Kaidan could feel the truth of the Commander's statement.

 

Kaidan spun in his lovers arms, walking backward toward the bedroom now. “We really don't have time for this, you know?”

 

“We'll be quick,” John said, smiling in that way that told Kaidan that this was going to be nothing like quick. Shepard lifted him as their mouths crashed together, and Kaidan wrapped his legs around his lover's back, allowing himself to be carried into the room, still amazed at the super-human strength Cerberus had granted John with his titanium bones and cybernetic implants. In the time they now simply referred to as _Before_ – as in before the Collector attack on the Normandy that killed John – he'd been strong, but not strong enough for this. Kaidan had to admit he kind of liked it.

 

Shepard climbed onto the bed, stretching himself out on top of Kaidan who kept his legs firmly locked around his lover's back as he brought up his omni-tool to lock the door. Locking the door was a minor detail that John rarely thought of when all the blood normally used for important decision making was traveling rapidly southward. John's lips found his, smooth and velvety and hungry. A quick flick of his tongue across the Major's mouth had the older man opening to his urgent request, and their tongues slid together, exploring around breathy moans. “How do you always taste so good,” Shepard mumbled against Kaidan's mouth. Kaidan didn't bother answering, just pressed himself deeper into the kiss. Shepard's responding moan told him that no more words were needed.

 

Sitting up suddenly, John began to fumble with the fastenings of the Major's shirt. Hands that shook with need made his efforts clumsy. Kaidan's hands rose to copy his lover's movements, pawing at Shepard's shirt in a near vain attempt to remove the offending garment. John laughed, “Why the hell does the Alliance make these things so damn hard to get off?”

 

“Probably in an attempt to thwart fraternizing,” Kaidan said without missing a beat, then he laughed, too.

 

With Kaidan's shirt finally undone, Shepard focused on the Major's pants, and yanked them down roughly once they were past the man's hips. He stood and removed his own shoes and pants with equal fervor before spreading himself over the Major's now naked body once more.

 

Their lips found each other again, the heat and intensity ratcheting up several notches. They were both dimly aware that they did indeed need to be quick. The whole squad was waiting for them to simply change clothes, but damned if Shepard didn't want to take his time for once. “When all this is dealt with, I'm locking you in here and keeping you naked for at least twenty-four hours,” John said, pulling back and fixing Kaidan with a look of mixed arousal, amusement, and frustration.

 

“I can't imagine I'd complain about that,” Kaidan said smiling, pressing his lips softly to John's chin then lips then nose.

 

A tender fondness filled amazing blue eyes, and John rested his forehead to Kaidan's. Their hands found each other, fingers locking together. “I'm so damn tired of rushing. I'm just... so fucking tired, Kaidan.” The blue eyes closed, and Shepard sighed against Kaidan's cheek.

 

“I know.” Kaidan stroked his lover's cheek in sympathy. The truth was that he was tired, too. Tired of the war. Tired of the constant stress and strain it placed on everything and everyone he knew. Tired of the defeated slump of Shepard's shoulders in the privacy of their cabin. The crew – the galaxy – needed to see Shepard being strong; needed to believe that Commander Shepard would pull their asses out of the fire one more time. But Kaidan saw – loved – the man behind the legend. He saw the new worry lines that framed his lover's eyes, felt the knots of stress and strain in those broad, muscular shoulders, saw how the immense weight of duty and responsibility weighed those beautiful shoulders down, bowing them under the strain. It wasn't fair, but he'd learned early that life wasn't fair. John would take what the galaxy threw at him, and he'd give back as good as he got until it killed him. Kaidan selfishly hoped that that would be many, many, many years from now – long after the war was won and the galaxy rebuilt.

 

The passion that had consumed them moments ago began to ebb, and Kaidan felt his cock softening. When Shepard kissed his cheek and rolled off of him, flopping back onto the bed in frustration, Kaidan knew he needed to do something. “I'm sor-” John started, but was cut short when his lover lunged up off the bed and settled himself quickly between his legs, lips brushing softly over the tip of his nearly flaccid member. A few quick kisses and thoughtful applications of the tip of his tongue had Shepard's erection recovering quickly. John let out a lewd groan when Kaidan licked the length of him from base to tip before quickly taking him all the way into his mouth.

 

“Fuck yes... Kaidan,” he gasped, and Kaidan smiled and hummed around the cock in his mouth. And this was one of the things that he loved most in the galaxy – seeing Commander _fucking_ Shepard coming unglued above him, back arching off the bed, hips thrusting forward uncontrollably, soft, muttered curses and endearments and breathy moans escaping with every lick and nip and suck that Kaidan applied. He bobbed a few more times then released Shepard's cock with a wet pop and reached for the lube in the nightstand.

 

John's eyes darkened in anticipation. Kaidan wanted to fuck him – very badly, but they did need to hurry. It wouldn't be quite the same, but it would be good. It would be enough to raise Shepard's spirits so that he could focus on who or whatever new thing was trying to kill him now. He squirted the cold lube unceremoniously onto John's hard cock earning him a startled howl. “Shit! That was evil!”

 

“Sorry,” Kaidan chuckled. “I'm trying to hurry before Liara comes up here looking for you.” He pressed a hard kiss against Shepard's lips, hoping it was enough for apology, then positioned himself so that their cocks were rubbing together, the movement eased by the glob of lube he'd dumped out. The way John's eyes rolled back in his head with another hedonistic moan told him that all was forgiven... or very soon would be.

 

Shepard gripped Kaidan's hips and rocked his own up to meet every one of the Major's thrusts. It wasn't exactly what he'd had in mind when they'd come up here, but he would take it. Kaidan's mouth met his again, and they found that perfect rhythm, hearts beating in time together, their breathing synchronized. They each reached a hand between them, encircling both cocks together, and the friction and sensation increased at a steady pace. “Fuck, Kaidan, you're amazing,” John breathed. “I love you so much!”

 

Kaidan's head rested against his lover's, “I love you too, John. God, I'm... so close...”

 

“Me too... Fuck!” Shepard's free hand came up to tangle in coal black hair, pulling his lover into another fiery kiss. His hips stilled, locked into place as the pleasure exploded outward from his core. A low whine escaped him and morphed into a groan as he spilled hot ropes of come all over both their abdomen's. Kaidan followed right behind him, their combined fluid now making everything more slippery.

 

“Oh, god,” Kaidan breathed, collapsing onto Shepard's chest and kissing his sweaty skin over and over. John wiped his hand on the blanket and brought his arms up to wrap around the Major, squeezing him tightly. “Wish we could stay like this forever,” Kaidan murmured.

 

“Me too,” John said with a light kiss to Kaidan's forehead. “Love you!”

 

“Love you, too! Come on. Let's go get cleaned up.”

 

 

**

 

James had his hand lifted to knock on the bedroom door. He hadn't wanted to come up here and interrupt whatever was taking the Commander and the Major so long. He didn't have to stretch his imagination much to figure out what that was. But Liara had insisted that someone come up and hurry them along. Just as he was about to bring his fist down, a “Fuck yes... Kaidan” coming from his Commander had him turning on his heel and fleeing toward the stairs. He didn't get away fast enough to keep from hearing a very undignified sound – also from his Commander – that could only be described as a yelp, followed by the Major's husky chuckle. Damn! It would take him forever to get the images conjured by those sounds out of his mind.

 

“Where are they?” Liara demanded when he walked back into the kitchen. Everyone was milling around the room searching for something to snack on.

 

“Uh,” James' face turned red as he stammered, “I think the Major is... helping the Commander with his... tie.” He coughed and shifted his weight from foot to foot. Cortez smiled knowingly, and most everyone else just shook their heads and went back to whatever they were doing before.

 

Liara didn't seem to catch on, however. “I can help with that,” she said, marching up the stairs before anyone could stop her, not hearing or choosing to ignore the giggles from James and Steve.

 

Her hand was poised to knock on the bedroom door when she heard, “Fuck, Kaidan, you're so amazing. I love you so much!” The whining groan at the end of Shepard's words had her beating a hasty retreat back downstairs, not wanting to hear anything more. “You could have said something,” she hissed at James when she got back to the kitchen.

 

“And miss the look on your face right now, Doc?” James laughed. “I don't think so!”

 

**

 

They disentangled themselves and stood, and John couldn't resist pulling Kaidan into his arms once more, chin resting on top of the shorter man's head. “Where do you want to live when this is all over?” he asked unexpectedly.

 

“Haven't given it much thought, you?” Kaidan pressed another kiss to John's chest.

 

Shepard shrugged. In his darkest moments, he was convinced there would be no happily ever after for him and Kaidan, but other times, he just needed the hope to cling to. The dreams, the promises, the belief that there was more to look forward to than this. “Me neither,” he admitted. “I just... want to think about those things... to talk about them. It's... something to look forward to. A dream. A plan. Maybe it's just a foolish hope, but... I want it. That life with you that we talked about – kids, a cat, a... life.”

 

Kaidan gripped him tighter as if just by hugging harder, he could pull John inside of himself and keep him safe there somehow. John returned the gesture. “I want that, too, John. I guess it will depend on what we decide to do after the war. You mentioned retiring. We'll have to figure out some way to make a living.”

 

“I've got some money saved,” Shepard said.

 

“Oh yeah? Well, I'm expecting you to give me at least another hundred and fifty years. I doubt you have that much money saved!”

 

“You might be surprised,” he said simply.

 

Kaidan waited for him to continue, but Shepard didn't say any more. “How much?”

 

“Never took you for a gold digger, Alenko,” Shepard chuckled.

 

“Just... curious, considering how much money you left me _Before_.”

 

“It's not quite that much, but... close. I invested all the money I got from Cerberus. I've got some things I could sell when the war's over if credits are no good anymore. I guess I need to show you all that stuff, huh?”

 

“I've got some money saved, too. I invested a lot of what you left me. It's done well.”

 

“See? Then we won't have to work... unless we want to. I don't know if I want to retire completely, but... I don't want to fight anymore. Don't want to be a Spectre or a politician. I just... I was thinking maybe of teaching at ICT or something.”

 

“Really? Never would have pictured you in a teaching role.”

 

“You don't think I'd be a good teacher?” Shepard pulled back looking down into Kaidan's whiskey-brown eyes, a soft smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

 

“Never said that,” Kaidan replied, pulling Shepard to him again, and tucking his head back under the other man's chin. “Just a surprise is all. I guess it's hard to think of you doing anything but commanding a ship. Don't think I'd mind solid ground under my feet for awhile, though.”

 

“Well, we've got time to think about it, anyway. I at least want a very long holiday when the war's over,” he said, and Kaidan grunted his agreement. They stood a few more minutes like that before Shepard sighed, “I'm starting to feel gross with this stuff all over us.”

 

Kaidan laughed. “Yeah, me, too. Come on Commander, let me help you wash up!”

 

 

**

 

The team straggled into the apartment feeling surprisingly defeated after their victory. To tell the truth, it didn't feel like a victory. They were still reeling from the fact that there was a Shepard clone created by Cerberus. The clone was dead now, and the feelings of everyone were equal parts relief and horror mingled. Shepard went straight to the bar, setting up a line of glasses and pouring them all full to the brim with whiskey. He took the first one for himself, and Kaidan grabbed the second one. The Major looked the Commander in the eye and they silently raised their glasses to each other and downed the contents. Shepard refilled them immediately.

 

Everyone else grabbed a glass – Garrus had to find the dextro liquor for Tali and himself – and downed them just as quickly, setting them down and waiting for the Commander to refill them. They drank in silence, mood somber until a whole bottle of whiskey was gone. John moved on to the bourbon then, and kept going.

 

“Wonder if the clone could have drank as much as the Commander... and lived?” Joker mused, watching Shepard who had given up all pretense and was now drinking straight from the bottle.

 

“Got a new liver, Joker,” he said. “I'm not worried.”

 

Kaidan scoffed, but didn't turn it down when Shepard passed the bottle of bourbon to him. After that, everyone was drinking straight from the bottle as it was passed around the room.

 

“I'll bet the clone was a better driver,” Garrus said as he and Tali passed their own bottle back and forth. Everyone who was on the original Normandy hummed in agreement.

 

“I am not a bad driver,” Shepard said indignantly.

 

“John, I love you, but... you are a bad driver.” Kaidan said, a slight slur working it's way into his voice.

 

“On Illium,” Liara was definitely slurring, “we had to chase a Spectre in a taxi cab. We almost crashed...” she hiccoughed, “Idon'teven _know_ how many times. He drove us into oncoming _traffic_! Then he asked what kind of weapons the car had,” she giggled, swaying a little in her seat. “I've never seen a man look as disappointed as he did when I told him it was a taxi and all it had was a fare meter!” Everyone laughed, but Shepard just grumbled and turned up the bottle of bourbon again, emptying it and fishing out another from behind the bar. He opened it and took another generous swig before passing it on to Kaidan.

 

“I'm used to driving vehicles with weapons,” he complained, and he was certainly not slurring his words.

 

“Where did you learn to drive, anyway, Shepard?” Tali asked, punctuated by a hiccough.

 

“New York,” he said gruffly. “I started driving the getaway car when I was eleven.” He took another swig as the room fell silent. “It might have been nice to wake up six months ago and have no memory of those times...” His gaze was distant, lost to memory for a few moments as the crew watched him.

 

Kaidan could see the demons warring in his lover's eyes. Realizing that Shepard was done sharing, he dug out a new bottle of alcohol, rum this time, and cracked it open, took a drink, and passed it to James who was standing to his left. “John-”

 

Shepard's sharp laugh – bitter, humorless – stopped whatever Kaidan was about to say. “I'm fine,” he lied, and Kaidan let his comment go. They drank in silence for awhile longer.

 

“Wonder if the clone could dance,” Garrus mused. “Shepard sure as hell can't.”

 

This brought another round of laughter... to everyone but Shepard; he took another gulp bringing the bottle down on the bar a little harder than was necessary. Actually, he was lucky it hadn't shattered, he realized, huffing and rubbing a hand down his face. It was roast Shepard night apparently. He knew it was just the crew's way of dealing with the overwhelming emotions of everything that had happened, but he was having a hard time being flippant about it all. In fact, he was gripped with an almost irrational fear. How did he know he wasn't a clone, himself? It wasn't the first time he'd had such thoughts. It had taken him a long time to come to trust Miranda – it probably hadn't happened until she resigned from Cerberus – but he'd believed her when she'd told him he wasn't a clone. What if she'd been lying? He took another drink.

 

“You know you don't dance that differently than me, Garrus,” Shepard slurred, wavering slightly where he stood. Garrus huffed when everyone else agreed with the Commander's assessment.

 

“Shepard actually dances just fine,” Kaidan said absently. “It's just a show.”

 

“Why would I pretend I couldn't dance, Kaidan?” Shepard snapped, and the room fell instantly silent.

 

“Because it makes us feel better about ourselves. It's something we can do that you can't. Because you're always doing whatever you can to help us, to bolster us, to give us confidence. The clone didn't have that. Didn't have the spark that made people want to follow him into the very fires of hell. That made people feel like they could accomplish anything they set their mind to. It... was one of the first things I noticed about you. Your leadership ability hasn't been trained – you were born with it. It can't be replicated. Not even by a clone.” He looked up at John who was swaying from the effect of the alcohol coursing through his veins.

 

Shepard's brilliant blue eyes were hard as flint – brows knit together into a scowl – as they bored into Kaidan's amber ones. “What else?” he croaked, voice raw and scraping.

 

“His eyes weren't as blue as yours,” Kaidan said, stepping closer to his fiance. “The way you carry yourself is different – more confident. Your smile is different. Your voice – not much, but it is. I could hear it. You have a scar on your lip. He didn't have it. Probably doesn't have my name tattooed on his ass either,” he smirked, but Shepard didn't laugh. “I'd know you anywhere, John.”

 

“You didn't believe it was me on Horizon.”

 

“Yes I did. I was just mad and being an idiot.”

 

“Stubborn bastard,” Shepard huffed.

 

Kaidan simply shrugged. “He didn't have your memories either, John. How would a clone know you learned to drive in a getaway car? Or any of the million other things you try to forget everyday? He didn't know about us,” he reached out to take Shepard's hand in his own, interlacing their fingers. “About your friends,” he gestured around the room at their audience that Shepard had all but forgotten about.

 

John stared down at their joined hands, face unreadable. His other hand gripped the bottle of bourbon tightly, knuckles white from the effort. “Think I'll call it a night,” he said quietly. “There are beds and couches. Pillows and blankets in the closets. Make yourselves at home.”

 

He released Kaidan's hand and fished out another bottle of bourbon before turning away from his team. The crew watched as their Commander lurched unsteadily toward the stairs, bracing himself on the handrail before hauling himself up to his bedroom, a bottle of booze in each hand.

 

“Shit!” Kaidan breathed when Shepard was gone, snatching the bottle from Steve's hand and turning it up. The room was swimming when he set it down, and he honestly couldn't say if he was crying or just drunk. Liara's arm around his shoulders told him it was the former. He swiped at tears he couldn't feel with the backs of his hands. “ _Fuck_!” His biotics flared, encasing his body in blue light before he was able to calm himself enough to stop it. With a few deep breaths in through his nose, and out through his mouth, he turned toward the stairs. “Good night,” he said over his shoulder, and took the stairs two at a time to get to Shepard.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this wasn't too angsty for you. Poor Shepard! Thanks for reading and leaving comments and kudos! :*
> 
> tumblr is here: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the crew finally get a little shore leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the angst I left you with last time. Hopefully this makes up for it. ;) 
> 
> I'm traveling again this week. The next chapter is edited and ready to go, and I'm taking my computer with me this time, but I make no promises. I'll do my best to get the next chapter up on Thursday, but don't hate me if it doesn't happen until Monday! xoxo

Kaidan woke to an empty bed, and mourned the loss of the familiar, warm body that was always pressed against him in the mornings nowadays. He sighed and ran a tired hand over his face. It had been a long night of Shepard pouring his heart out, rambling about his memories from his childhood, telling Kaidan things that he'd never heard before, and honestly didn't want to hear. The things John had already told him, the things Kaidan had seen with his own two eyes, barely scratched the surface of the horrors of John's childhood. The things Shepard had suffered were criminal – and rightly so – and it was hard for Kaidan to imagine that those kinds of things still existed on Earth. At least they had before the war. Now things were probably even worse.

 

The clone had thrown Shepard for a loop. The man was struggling with fears that Kaidan wasn't even aware existed. It was both thrilling and terrifying to think that he would never know all there was to know about John Shepard no matter how long they were together.

 

When Kaidan had come upstairs, he'd found John in the hot tub, swigging from a bottle of bourbon and staring up at the ceiling. It was clear, even before Shepard had come upstairs, that the man wasn't taking the whole thing very well; Kaidan just hadn't known how bad it was. He'd never seen Shepard drink enough to be sick. Last night had been a first that would hopefully not see a repeat any time soon. Kaidan had hovered around him as he'd emptied his stomach into the toilet until there was nothing left but dry heaving. In a panic, he'd administered a dose of medi-gel, which helped to stem the tide somewhat. Then he'd cleaned his lover up and dragged him to bed, and that's when the babbling had begun. Shepard had talked until he'd passed out from exhaustion – emotional, mental, and physical – and near alcohol poisoning.

 

He wasn't sure when Shepard had left the bed, but he was gone now. Kaidan hauled himself up and stumbled to the bathroom. He hadn't had as much to drink as John, but he'd drunk enough to be hungover this morning. Groaning, he glared at his reflection in the mirror, wondering why this bedroom didn't have a shower like the other one. Maybe if they were going to stay here, they could do something about that. In lieu of the shower, he sank down into the hot tub, allowing the scalding water and active bubbles to soothe some of his nerves. What a fucking perfect start to shore leave! He only hoped that there would be time to make some positive memories during this leave. Kaidan needed to figure out some way to make the rest of their time perfect.

 

Although tempted, he didn't linger in the tub. He scrubbed off quickly, somewhat saddened that there was no sticky evidence of a night of passion to clear away. It was a rare night that they went to bed without fooling around at least a little bit. He toweled off brusquely, and made quick work of brushing his teeth and running an electric razor over his stubble. In the closet, he pulled on a pair of shorts and John's red Seattle Sorcerers t-shirt before heading downstairs.

 

The smell of frying bacon hit his nose immediately, and set his mouth to watering. Padding into the kitchen, he stopped with a hip against the counter and a smile on his face. Shepard was humming happily and hovering over the stove in a pair of jeans and a gray Alliance t-shirt and an apron that said _Kiss the Cook._ Bacon was sizzling in the pan, and the griddle was full of fluffy pancakes. He watched his lover pop a bite of bacon in his mouth, sucking the flavor off his finger and thumb before wiping them on his apron. Kaidan must have made a noise of appreciation because Shepard looked up at him then, his disarming smile firmly plastered in place. “Morning, Sunshine!” he greeted cheerily. “Nice shirt,” he smirked.

 

Kaidan made his way over to Shepard and wrapped his arms around his waist from behind. “Morning. You're up early.”

 

“Mmhm... coffee's ready if you want some,” he gestured toward the machine with his head, and started cracking eggs into a large bowl.

 

Kaidan placed a kiss on the back of his neck and made for the cupboard of coffee cups. He hummed in approval after his first sip. “This didn't come from the Alliance,” he said, smiling.

 

“Nope... I went out and did a little shopping this morning.”

 

“John, it's only 0800 now!”

 

“There's a twenty-four hour grocery around the corner,” Shepard said. “Couldn't sleep... Nightmares.” A dark look flashed across his face before it was quickly replaced with his cheery smile. “Thought I'd cook some breakfast for everyone. Yesterday was hell. Figured they could use the morale boost.”

 

“You, too.”

 

John glanced over at him and shrugged. “I'll be fine. Really,” he said when Kaidan started to protest. “I can't change it, now. Just... live with it.” He stopped and turned to face Kaidan fully. “I am who I am.... for better or worse.”

 

Kaidan set his cup down and stepped into Shepard's arms, cupping his face and pulling him into a tender kiss. “You're you. You're the man I love,” he said firmly when they drifted apart.

 

Shepard grinned and pulled their hips together, dipping for another kiss. At Kaidan's needy moan, he pressed further in, tongue gaining entrance. He slid his hand down to the Major's ass and squeezed almost painfully, grinding their hips together briefly. “You're going to make me burn my pancakes,” he whispered against Kaidan's cheek before releasing the man altogether and turning back to the stove. Kaidan groaned a little at the loss of contact, and stood back to watch Shepard flip the pancakes with a quick flick of his wrist. Once the pancakes were settled for the moment, Shepard picked up a piece of bacon and turned back to Kaidan, pressing the tasty meat against the man's lips. Kaidan opened and accepted it, chewing and moaning in appreciation. When he'd swallowed, Shepard's lips were on his again.

 

“That may be my favorite flavor,” Kaidan announced when they came up for air.

 

“What's that?” Shepard asked pulling the pancakes off the griddle and into a warming pan. Kaidan watched him work to add a fresh batch of batter to the hot surface.

 

“Your lips and bacon,” he grinned when John turned back to him. “Let me try it again.” This time he fed a piece of bacon to Shepard, who was smiling brightly. Shepard swallowed, and Kaidan attacked his lips again, leaving them both breathless. “Definitely!”

 

“I thought my dick was your favorite flavor,” Shepard whispered, his smirk and the dark look in his eyes going straight to Kaidan's groin.

 

“Hmm... A fair point. Let's take the plate of bacon upstairs so I can get a true comparison!”

 

John laughed and leaned in for another kiss, but Kaidan put a hand on his chest, reaching up to trace the lines at the corner of Shepard's eye with a fingertip. Shepard's eyes softened, a weak smile lifting edges of his lips. “Are you sure you're okay?” Kaidan asked him softly.

 

Shepard brought their forehead's together. “I will be, Kaid. Promise. I just need some time to adjust, I guess. Part of me is still so furious about the whole damn thing. The pointless waste of life. Cerberus' audacity. The Illusive Man's arrogance. But... selfishly, part of me is relieved that he's dead. I can't help feeling guilty for that.”

 

“I know what you mean,” Kaidan sighed. “It isn't right to feel this way, but I can't seem to help it. Besides, it wasn't as if the clone had the purest of intentions.”

 

“He was practically a baby, Kaidan. He didn't know any better.”

 

“Dying was his choice, John,” Kaidan reminded him when he saw the guilt and frustration on Shepard's face.

 

“I would have killed him anyway,” Shepard admitted. “I, of all people, have no room to say that anyone is irredeemable, but... the havoc he could have wreaked if he'd gotten away... I don't even want to try to imagine it.”

 

“We did the best we could,” Kaidan assured him.

 

“I know. But the best doesn't always feel good enough, you know?”

 

“You can't fix everything.”

 

“That's what they want, Kaid. That's what the whole damn galaxy wants from me. To eradicate the reapers. To make it like nothing ever happened. To clean up any other pesky issues while I'm at it. Centuries old feuds? Sure! Anti-alien terrorist groups? No problem! And nobody gives a shit how it affects me.”

 

“I do.”

 

Shepard sighed, burying his face in Kaidan's neck. “I know. And thank you. I don't deserve you.”

 

“Bullshit!”

 

A puff of laughter hit Kaidan's throat, and he turned to press his lips to Shepard's cheek.

 

“Love you, Kaid.”

 

“Love you.”

 

Finally, Shepard lifted his head, eyes searching Kaidan for a breathless moment before he kissed the man again, long and slow and perfect – the salty, smoky taste of the bacon still lingering in both their mouths.

 

“Morning, Commander! Major!” James interrupted, heading for the coffee pot. “Cream and sugar?”

 

“Counter,” Shepard said with a sigh, turning back to the stove and adding seasoning to the bowl of eggs. Kaidan kissed him on the cheek and grabbed his coffee and another piece of bacon before sitting on a stool opposite Shepard. “How'd you sleep, Vega?” Shepard asked.

 

“Better than you,” the burly man said, sipping his nearly white coffee. “Heard you thrashing around. Sounded like a nightmare.”

 

“How the hell did I sleep through that?” Kaidan asked.

 

“You were pretty drunk last night, Kaidan,” John said with a smile.   
  


“So were you!”

 

Shepard shrugged. “It's fine. Just... the usual.” Kaidan nodded his understanding, and Shepard started beating the eggs so he could scramble them in the pan. “Vega, see if there's some cheese in the fridge.” The three men continued on in silence, and soon more of the crew began to join them, pouring coffee, snagging slices of bacon, and questioning each other on their quality of sleep the night before. “Alright, soup's on!” Shepard said at last.

 

“I didn't know you could cook, Commander,” Liara said as she filled her plate.

 

He shrugged. “There's lots of things you don't know about me.”

 

“So, why don't you share more about your life,” Liara asked, undaunted.

 

“Because you don't want to know the truth,” Shepard said flatly. Everyone turned to look at him. “Alright... we're done with this shit. Eat up and move on to topics of discussion that aren't as depressing as my fucked up life.”

 

Kaidan took his cue and started naming all the fun things there were to do on the Sunset Strip. The casino had been nice, and he thought about taking Shepard there tonight on a date. They could dress in suits again and go dance and gamble and forget about the war and everything else for awhile.

 

“So, Commander,” Steve interrupted Kaidan's thoughts. “There's a bioti-ball game on this afternoon. That looks like a great vid screen for watching the game. You got surround sound in this place?”

 

“Yeah, actually. Everything in here is state of the art. What do you think, Kaidan? Want to have the guys over to watch the game?”

 

“Sounds perfect,” he said, hiding his disappointment. It would be good. It was probably too soon to head back to the casino anyway, and there was always tomorrow night.

 

“We should have a party,” Joker said. “And by that, I mean _you_ should _throw_ a party, Commander.”

 

Shepard was thoughtful for a few moments then shrugged. “Sounds fun. Kaidan?”

 

“I'm with you.”

 

John smiled at him. “You can say no if you want.”

 

“I don't.”

 

“Okay, a party it is then. We'll do it in a couple of days. I have plans with the Major tomorrow.”

 

“You do?”

 

Shepard just grinned and cocked an eyebrow at him. Kaidan's face flushed, but if anyone noticed, they had the decency not to say anything.

 

“Well, Commander, I'd like to take you to lunch today,” Traynor said.

 

“You kids have fun with that,” Kaidan said. “Anderson wanted me to contact him today. He's going to try to patch me through to my old biotics squad.”

 

“What about your mom?” John's voice was soft and full of concern.

 

“He hadn't been able to contact her again last time I spoke with him,” Kaidan looked down at the table, and John reached over to take his hand, squeezing tightly. Kaidan squeezed back, swallowing around the lump in his throat. Shepard didn't bother with platitudes, just kept the calloused hand held firmly in his own as the mood turned somber once more. After a moment, Kaidan lifted his head, and with a forced smile, told John that he and Sam should go have lunch together. He had reports to work on after his call with Anderson.

 

John's eyes were questioning, but he seemed to accept Kaidan's firm nod and told Traynor he'd be happy to go to lunch with her as long as she could promise him that there would be no fish tanks or mercs, which garnered him a half laugh half groan from the whole crowd.

 

“Perfect! I'm going to the arcade until then. Want to meet there?” the Comm Specialist asked.

 

“Sure.”

 

“Alright,” Kaidan said in his commanding voice. “Shepard cooked, so we're all on KP!”

 

The crew got up and set to work. “Think I'm going to hit the sack for a bit. I didn't sleep worth a damn last night,” Shepard said, yawning.

 

“Get some rest, John,” Kaidan kissed him lightly on the lips.

 

“Want to come tuck me in?” The mischievous glint was back in his eyes, and Kaidan checked his chrono.

 

“Be up in five minutes,” he whispered.

 

**

 

Kaidan had stepped out to run a few errands, and he got back to the apartment just as Steve and James were arriving to watch the ball game. He palmed the door and issued the men inside. Shepard greeted him with a kiss and a stuffed, plush volus. “Won it in the claw game at the arcade,” John said with a boyish grin that Kaidan had never seen before. He fell in love all over again and decided right then and there that he would spend the rest of his life working his ass off for just a glimpse of that carefree smile on John's face again. Kaidan pulled him in for another, warmer kiss.

 

“Hm... maybe I should bring you stuffed toys more often.”

 

The Major laughed and pushed past Shepard heading for the stairs. He was almost to the landing when John shouted up at him. “Oh shit! Wait! Traynor's in the hot tub. Better not go in there.”

 

“What is she doing in the hot tub?” he asked, coming back down the stairs.

 

“Well, I went to meet her for lunch, but she had entered a tournament. She said she'd come by after the tournament, and when she saw the hot tub, she stripped off and jumped in,” he finished his story and shrugged.

 

“She got naked... in front of you?”

 

Shepard held up his hands helplessly. “I don't know, okay? She asked if she could use it, and I said yes then next thing I know she's standing there in her... bra and panties. When she started going on about scented oils and _massage wands_ , I turned around and got the hell out!”

 

“Massage wands?” Kaidan's grin was positively lecherous.

 

“Evidently Khalee Sanders left a... bag of stuff up there. I didn't even know it was in there.” Shepard shifted from foot to foot nervously.

 

Kaidan laughed and grabbed him by the face, pulling him in for a blistering kiss. “It ought to be against the damn law to be this adorable!”

 

“What the hell are you talking about?” John shook his head.

 

“You... You're just,” he kissed him again in lieu of trying to find words. “I've never met a grown man so terrified of a naked woman!”

 

Shepard blushed. “Well... it's... unfamiliar territory, okay?”

 

Kaidan kissed him again to spare his embarrassment. “I'm going to change. She should have shut the damn bathroom door if she didn't want anyone to see her. I'll be back down in a minute.”

 

“Should I be jealous?” Shepard called after him.

 

“John, she's gay.”

 

“Yeah, but you're not.”

 

Kaidan stopped and smiled, warm and loving. “Yeah, but I only have eyes for you, so...”

 

John returned the smile. “Can I fix you a drink?”

 

“Whiskey and water. Thanks!”

 

Shepard made his way behind the bar and began pouring the drink. “You got to see Traynor naked?” James asked in disbelief. The Commander rolled his eyes. “That is so fucking unfair! You probably didn't even appreciate it!”

 

**

 

When Tali left, Shepard made his way back to the couch and flopped down next to Kaidan. “What the hell was that?”

 

Kaidan laughed. “It wasn't that bad, John.”

 

Shepard looked over at him. “She was singing along, Kaidan. Tali... is a very sweet person, but she should not sing in public. Ever.”

 

They both laughed then fell into a comfortable silence. John's hand rested lightly on the Major's knee, and his thumb started lazily tracing random patterns. “So...” he said at length. “Twenty four hours of naked time?”

 

“Sounds like a plan, Commander!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, commenting, kudos-ing, etc! Many of you have followed and contacted me on tumblr, and I'm grateful! I'm still shocked at the response this silly story has garnered, but I'm flattered beyond belief and thankful from the bottom of my heart. 
> 
> find me on tumblr if you wish: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan sees a new side of Shepard, and Shepard finds the meaning of life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for lots of cheese and fluff ahead! :) Enjoy!
> 
> This chapter now has amazing artwork by rego-mem over on tumblr! I'm so happy!

_Look at this amazing[artwork](http://rego-mem.tumblr.com/post/160701995097/youre-kidding-right-kaidan-laughed-if-you) by the talented and wonderful [rego-mem](http://rego-mem.tumblr.com/)! I couldn't be happier! _

 

Kaidan was a little annoyed to wake to an empty bed again, but when he heard the tinkling of piano keys drifting from the apartment's lower level, the annoyance was quickly replaced by curiosity. Afraid that Shepard would stop if he knew he was being watched, Kaidan crept quietly toward the balcony, leaning on his forearms and taking in the scene.

 

Shepard sat at the piano bench in nothing but a pair of sweats, shoulders hunched, fingers working tentatively over the keys. It was slow and a little cumbersome, but Kaidan could pick out the tune – Ave Maria by Schubert. The more he played, the more confident he became, until the beautiful melody was clean and clear and ringing through the apartment. Kaidan continued to watch. Shepard's body moved slightly with the music. Muscles rippled in his back as he shifted to reach the various keys, and as he turned his head slightly to the side, Kaidan realized his eyes were closed as though he were trying to simply listen for the right notes to play.

 

Eventually, Kaidan's feet carried him down the stairs until he was standing beside the piano. Shepard looked up with a smile on his face, then confessed, “I started practicing again in my down time during the collector mission. Most nights I couldn't sleep, so I had to find things to do to occupy my mind. I remembered telling you about playing and thought I'd see if I could remember how. Once I started, it just came flooding back.”

 

“That's great, John! Are... you playing this song from... memory?”

 

“Uh... sort of, I guess,” Shepard said, shrugging. “I heard it in a church once. Some of them gave out food and hot drinks on really cold days. Never really believed in god, but you know, free food's free food.” He gave a little shrug again, and turned his focus back to the keys, eyes slipping closed as he picked out the next part of the song then repeated it more freely. “It was Christmastime, I think... I don't know, it was cold as everything, and snowing and the church was offering hot food, so I went. They had a guy playing to keep us all entertained, I guess. Hell, I don't know. There were some Christmas songs – which is the only reason I'm fairly sure it was Christmastime. And he played this one. I liked it best. Very soothing.”

 

Kaidan grinned, brushed his fingers against Shepard's cheek, but dropped his hand quickly so as not to interrupt the man's playing. “So, you learned it?”

 

“No... I just remembered how it sounded, so I'm trying to replicate it. How am I doing?”

 

“You're kidding right?” Kaidan laughed. “If you can play Ave Maria by ear from a memory twenty years ago, I think you missed your calling!”

 

“Ave Maria? Is that what it's called?”

 

Kaidan couldn't resist leaning down to kiss him, John's fingers stuttering to a stop. “Keep going,” Kaidan said quietly as he straightened. “It's beautiful.”

 

Shepard changed to the song Liara had taught him before the shit had hit the fan with Joker and the clone, playing much more smoothly than before since he'd actually been taught the correct notes to play. Still, it was incredibly impressive that he possessed that much talent. It made Kaidan wonder briefly about who Shepard's parents had been. Had there been any musicians in Shepard's ancestry? And not for the first time, he found himself questioning why they would have given their baby up, leaving him on the doorstep of the hospital. Did they regret their choices after seeing the man John had become, or were they dead now? The thought caused an ache in Kaidan's chest that he thought would never leave him.

 

Trying to shake away the sobering thoughts, he said. “Tell me again how you learned to play.”

 

“Blues club,” Shepard said. “I had plenty of places I could hide when I needed to lay low. When... shit became too difficult to bear. When the weather was too harsh to stay out in it. Or just when I was so hungry I couldn't stand it anymore.” He closed his eyes, picking out a new tune – an old blues rhythm. Kaidan was simply amazed. “The piano player was named Eric, but he wanted people to call him Bugsy,” Shepard laughed. “I don't know if he thought it made him sound like a gangster, or what. But he was cool. Hid me from the manager, brought me food, taught me to play. He said I had a natural talent for it, whatever the hell that meant.”

 

“What's this song you're playing now?”

 

“A truly ancient blues song – Call it Stormy Monday. I couldn't begin to tell you the name of the singer.”

 

“Do you know the words?”

 

John huffed a laugh, “Maybe... let's see if I can remember...” He started the song over. Kaidan had heard him humming songs, muttering them under his breath, but never had he heard the man actually sing before, and he was even more astounded than he'd been when he heard him playing. To say that he was a natural seemed like a colossal understatement. He was simply brilliant.

 

“ _They call it stormy Monday_

 _But Tuesday's just as bad,”_ he sang. His baritone was smooth and melodic, and Kaidan decided that this was how he wanted to spend eternity – listening to John Shepard play piano and sing.

 

“ _They call it stormy Monday,”_ he repeated.

“ _But Tuesday's just as bad._

_Wednesday's worse._

_And Thursday's oh so sad._

 

“ _The eagle flies on Friday,_

_And Saturday I go out to play._

_Yeah, the eagle flies on Friday,_

_and Saturday I go out to play._

_Sunday I go to church_

_Then I kneel down and pray.”_

 

The song went on, and when it ended, Shepard looked up expectantly. “What else do you know?” Kaidan asked, grinning as Shepard laughed.

 

“Maybe you should get yourself a chair, and get comfortable,” he winked.

 

 

**

 

“Let's get married before we go back to the ship,” Kaidan suggested, fingers trailing gently through the trail of hair under Shepard's belly button. Their skin was still damp, breathing still slightly labored from their most recent bout of love making.

 

“Kaidan?” Shepard turned on his side and leaned up on his elbow, tipping his lover's chin up so that he could look into his eyes. “Are you sure? Absolutely sure?”

 

“Yeah, I am... I... don't want to put it off another minute. I... have a confession to make. I spent yesterday making preparations. Anderson is going to perform the ceremony from Earth. He managed to place a squad with my mom at the orchard. She'll be able to be there via vid call. I feel more than a little guilty knowing how bad things are on Earth, but Anderson offered – insisted. Said he wanted to do this for us... for you.”

 

“Just tell me when, and I'll be there,” Shepard said, surging forward to claim the Major's mouth with his own. “Jesus, I never thought we'd get to-”

 

Kaidan silenced him with another kiss. “This afternoon too soon?”

 

“Not soon enough!”

 

**

 

John and Kaidan stood hand in hand in front of the vid screen in the den of the apartment. The furniture had been moved out to make room for all their friends to crowd around behind them. Their dress blues were crisp and pressed, and John kept stealing sly glances at his soon-to-be-husband. He could hardly believe this was really happening. He patted his pocket to make sure the ring was still there. Kaidan had been wearing it ever since Shepard had died on the first Normandy, but he'd taken it off that morning and given it to Shepard for safe keeping until the ceremony that afternoon. Assured that he hadn't lost it, he let out a shaky breath and stood straighter, waiting for the call to connect.

 

“You okay, Commander?” Kaidan asked, under his breath.

 

“Never better. You?”

 

“Ditto.”

 

Shepard squeezed the hand that clung desperately to his own.

 

Anderson's face came into view a moment later. “Commander! Major! Damn but you're a sight for sore eyes!”

 

“Good to see you too, Anderson,” Shepard said with a smile. “And... thank you for this. It means...,” he stopped to compose himself, clearing the emotion out of his throat. “It means a lot to me, but I admit I feel pretty selfish right now.”

 

“Hell, Shepard, if anyone deserves to be a little selfish right now, it's you. Now... give me a minute to set up the other vid links.”

 

“I can assist with that, Admiral Anderson,” EDI's mechanical voice chimed.

 

“Thanks!”

 

Admiral Hackett's face filled the screen next. “Didn't think I'd miss it did you?” The old man chuckled at their astonished expressions.

 

Kate Alenko came after. “Kaidan! My god, it's so good to see you, son!

 

“Hey, mom! God, it feels like an eternity,” Kaidan said, swiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

 

“Good to see you too, John!”

 

“You too, Mrs. Alenko,” Shepard returned, smiling bashfully.

 

“You're family now, John. It's 'mom' to you!”

 

He nodded, choking out a gruff, “Okay... mom.”

 

Kaidan smiled and couldn't resist stealing a kiss.

 

“I have a surprise for you,” she said, tears dripping down her own face. As she turned the camera away from her, a figure in a hospital bed came into focus.

 

“Dad?” Kaidan gave up all pretense of not crying. His body pitched forward as he sobbed into his hands, and John wrapped his strong arms around him, kissing his temple, his own tears dripping onto the shoulder of Kaidan's uniform. “I thought... they said...”

 

“I'm alright, Kaidan. A little worse for the wear, but... alive. Now... let's hurry up and get this show on the road. The war won't wait forever!”

 

Liara passed them each a handful of tissues, and both men chuckled as they swiped at their eyes then turned to face each other. Shepard took Kaidan's hands into his own, and when his fierce blue eyes met with honey-brown, he was transported to a place where just the two of them existed. The urge to kiss Kaidan then was nearly overwhelming, but he refrained. He didn't know much about wedding ceremonies, but he did know that part came at the end.

 

“Dearly beloved,” Anderson started, and most of what he said after that was a dull droning in the back of Shepard's mind as he lost himself in the whiskey colored depths of Kaidan's eyes. He said, “Damn right, I do,” when he was supposed to, and was vaguely aware of laughter in the room. His hands shook when he dug the ring out of his pocket, but the act of slipping the small circle of titanium onto Kaidan's finger somehow soothed all his nerves. He laced their fingers together once the ring was in place and gave his left hand to Kaidan, watching in awe as sure, steady fingers slid the ring into place, squeezing tightly. It was the first time Shepard had worn the ring since he'd bought it. It had been on Kaidan's dog tag chain for the last three years. “Alright, Commander,” Anderson said at last, “Lay one on him!”

 

“Yes, sir!” He didn't need to be told twice. Gripping Kaidan's cheeks, he crushed their lips together, tongue forcing it's way into the Major's mouth. Kaidan's moan of delight said he didn't mind. Strong arms wrapped around Shepard's back, holding so tightly it was nearly impossible to breathe. And when the kiss ended, they were both smiling, neither willing to let go of the other.

 

“Fuck, Kaidan! I love you so damn much,” Shepard whispered.

 

“I love you too, John.” Kaidan pressed their lips together quickly once more, and they took the tiniest step apart, hands locking together again.

 

“It's my honor... and very great privilege to be the first to introduce John and Kaidan Alenko-Shepard!” Anderson said, his glimmering tears visible even through the vid comm connection. The room erupted into a chorus of cheers and congratulations, and the vid screen changed to show masses of soldiers on Earth cheering and screaming their praise, thanks, and gratitude for the Major and the Commander. It switched to the ship that Hackett was on, and his entire crew had been assembled to watch the ceremony. The crew now stood cheering. John had never felt so humbled in his entire life.

 

They had reluctantly agreed to let Diana Allers record and broadcast the ceremony live throughout the galaxy, and he took a moment to wonder if the reaction was the same everywhere. He still didn't understand why people cared so much about his personal life, but it was obvious that their marriage had boosted morale for the troops on Earth and in the fleets. Shepard was all too aware that it had boosted his morale, too. He couldn't stop smiling. Hackett and Anderson quickly said their goodbyes and broke their connection. Diana turned off the cameras and the crew filtered out of the room to give the couple a few minutes alone with Kaidan's parents on the comm.

 

“I'm so happy for you both,” Kate Alenko said, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. “I just wish I could be there to give you both a hug and a kiss.”

 

“It won't be much longer now... Mrs... mom,” John assured her. “We're close to figuring this thing out.”

 

Tom Alenko smiled at the couple, a tired smile that seemed to reflect what they were all feeling. The day was filled to the brim with a bittersweet sting that left them all wishing for better circumstances and longing for the day when they could be reunited as a family. “Kaidan,” the man said, voice quavering, “I'm so proud of you, son. All I ever wanted for you from the day you were born was for you to follow your heart and find happiness, and you've done that in spades.”

 

“Thanks dad,” Kaidan murmured, voice watery with unshed tears.

 

Tom went on, “John, your name inspires hope everywhere it's mentioned, but that's not the reason I'm proud to call you 'son' now.” He stopped, gathering his emotions to himself and swallowing them back down. “The smile on Kaidan's face, and the way you look at him... those are the reasons why I'm so thankful to have you as part of our family now. Just... promise me that you'll take care of him, and that you'll both be home soon.”

 

Shepard's gaze flicked to Kaidan. “I promise,” he managed, voice cracking on the last syllable. “I won't let anything happen to him.”

 

“Good!” Kate said. “I need both of my boys home!”

 

“I love you, mom, dad,” Kaidan said. “I can't wait till this is all over. We're gonna have to throw one hell of a party, huh?”

 

“First round's on me,” Tom said. “Now, get your asses back out there so you can hurry up and mop up this mess and come on home.”

 

“Yes, sir!” The husbands said in unison, both saluting the ruined figure on the bed.

 

“I love you both, so much,” Kate said, fresh tears streaming down her face.

 

“We love you, too,” Kaidan assured her while Shepard simply nodded, not able to voice the words at the moment. Of course he loved this tiny woman who had given birth to his soul mate. This fierce little creature who had welcomed him into her family with open arms. Family was a thing he'd never possessed but always wanted, and Kate Alenko had given him that through her only child. A new tear worked it's way down his worn face.

 

With a final goodbye, they cut the connection, and Kaidan slumped against him. Damn the reapers for taking what should have been a joyful day and turning into a day of longing and mourning for what was being taken away from them with every minute they spent trying to celebrate and be happy. John rubbed the back of Kaidan's neck as the Major's tears soaked through his jacket and shirt, reaching his skin. “I'm sorry,” he whispered.

 

“Don't be sorry, John,” Kaidan said, looking up with pleading eyes. “You're my husband now. I've never been so happy!”

 

“Ditto!” John tipped Kaidan's chin up and pressed their lips gently together, slow and sensual. “What now?”

 

“There's cake,” Kaidan shrugged.

 

“Hmm... I'm more interested in cock,” he whispered, a mischievous grin on his lips.

 

“Oh, there will be plenty of that later,” the Major replied, heat filling his whiskey eyes. “When the guests are gone, I fully intend to take you upstairs and have my way with you.”

 

Shepard shivered and kissed his husband again. And damn if it didn't feel good!

 

They heard Liara clearing her throat and stopped, turning to face the asari. “We can't eat the cake until you cut it. Isn't that the way humans do it? And Wrex keeps sticking his finger in the frosting.”

 

Kaidan laughed, and Shepard shook his head with a grin. “On our way,” he said. The cake was chocolate with caramel filling decorated simply with smooth sides and ribbons of frosting trimming every edge. Grunt had smashed a couple of Kaidan and Shepard action figures into the top of it to Liara's dismay and John and Kaidan's amusement. They posed for pictures with the cake, Glyph being abnormally fussy for a simple drone. It was a silly tradition that John didn't understand, but they joined hands to cut the cake, their odd angle making it awkward. The result was an uneven hunk of cake flopped upside down onto the plate.

 

John had chocolate frosting on his thumb and went to lick it off, but Kaidan stopped him, bringing Shepard's hand to his own mouth instead, “Let me take care of that for you,” he murmured, and flicked his tongue out to clean his husband's fingers. The blue of Shepard's eyes disappeared as his pupils exploded with arousal.

 

“Careful, husband,” he growled in Kaidan's ear. “You'd be embarrassed if I threw you down on this table and fucked you in front of all our friends.”

 

Kaidan laughed and kissed his husband firmly. “You wouldn't dare!”

 

“Try me!” John grinned wickedly, and it was Kaidan's turn to shiver. They fed each other bites of cake making sure that they got plenty of frosting on the other's lips so they could kiss it off. Bottles of champagne were produced and everyone toasted the happy couple. And despite the fires of hell burning the galaxy down right outside their door, Shepard couldn't remember ever feeling this contented in his life.

 

**

 

Kaidan's lips were smooth as satin, and John couldn't get enough of them. The taste and feel and smell of his husband seeped into his soul soothing every fear, bolstering every weakness, calming every doubt he'd ever had. He didn't deserve this – this bliss, this perfect feeling of happiness and comfort – but he couldn't let go, couldn't turn it away. Not now. Their marriage may not survive the week, one or both of them could be dead by then, but they had tonight – their first together as a wedded couple. Marriage was never something John had aspired to. Settling down, starting a family. He'd never wanted those things before Kaidan, and though he didn't believe in god, he found himself praying to whomever would listen that they'd be granted the chance. _Please. Just let us both survive._

 

Calloused fingers worked over Kaidan's buttons unhurriedly, popping them open one by one. Nothing could come between them tonight. The reapers, Cerberus, the war, the needs of the refugees in their camps – all of it receded into the background as Shepard selfishly basked in Kaidan's shallow breaths and perfect lips. Every detail was committed to memory. The rasp of his fingers against starchy fabric. The hiccoughing gasp that lodged in Kaidan's throat as Shepard's lips grazed that spot behind his left ear. The light crisp scent of his aftershave, and the sting of his stubble. The musky hint of sweat and arousal underneath it all. The tremor in Kaidan's fingers as he tried to mimic Shepard's movements on his buttons.

 

John sighed against Kaidan's lips, a lazy grin curling his mouth. “Love you,” he murmured before his teeth gently latched onto his husband's lower lip. Their jackets were pushed over shoulders and to the floor in tandem, and they both breathed with relief at being that much closer to bare skin. Still, they didn't rush.

 

“Love you,” Kaidan echoed, fingers seeking the outline of the heart-shaped scar on his husband's chest through his white undershirt. He traced the scar, lips nibbling along Shepard's jaw, up to his earlobe. “You're mine,” he murmured, “all mine.”

 

“Forever,” Shepard whispered. “I've always been yours, Kaidan.”

 

No more words were needed after that. Skin was uncovered, inch by inch, and every patch of it was laved with love and attention by flower petal lips and nimble tongues. Shepard worshiped his husband's body. Every scar, every mole or freckle, every dip and curve of muscle and bone – all of it was precious and perfect and beautiful in his eyes, and he wanted Kaidan to feel adored. The moans and sighs and goosebumps he heard and felt as moist breath and teeth and tongue rained affection assured him he'd achieved his goal. Objective complete. But he didn't stop, Kaidan deserved so much more. Kaidan deserved it all. All of Shepard's devotion. Everything he had or would ever possess. His heart, his soul, it all belonged to Kaidan, and it had from that very first, impulsive kiss in an elevator more than three years ago. Shepard had placed his heart, his love, in Kaidan's trust that day, and never once asked for it back.

 

Shepard picked up his husband's hand, kissing the palm, his wrist, the greenish bruises on his knuckles from their last skirmish what felt like a lifetime ago, but was in reality only a few days. Lightly toying with Kaidan's wedding band, he sucked the finger into his mouth and was rewarded with a sharp gasp from his husband. Shepard's eyes locked with Kaidan's – blue and brown – and he swirled his tongue around the digit, grinning when his husband shivered.

 

Kaidan stood before him, naked and gorgeous, and Shepard sank to his knees, lips never leaving his skin. Fingers ghosted over the silken skin of Kaidan's shaft, and he buried his nose in the mass of curls between the man's legs, storing it away for later, treasuring these memories that would sustain him, drive him to finish this goddamn fucking war so that he and Kaidan could have the things they'd talked about – the kids, the cat, the life. It had become his mantra. Shepard wanted it. Wanted Kaidan. Wanted the imprint of this moment burned into his memory for all eternity. Wanted more time. Shepard just... wanted. There had never been time. Not before he'd died. Not since he'd come back. But tonight he would make the time, because this was too important, too momentous. This night demanded savoring, and by god, he would savor it.

 

Kaidan's cock was salty with sweat and pre-come as it slid into his mouth, and it had never tasted as good as it did this minute. Because although nothing had changed between them – he loved Kaidan as much right now as he had this morning, desired him just as much, was just as committed to him – everything had changed. Everything was different. This was the first time he'd tasted Kaidan as his husband. The first time he'd touched him. The first time he'd heard his husband's breathy moans of desire and pleasure, and it tore something loose in his chest that he wasn't prepared for. Love, desire, passion – all consuming – welled within him, until he was certain his heart would burst. It was too much. Kaidan was too much. This feeling, so overwhelming and powerful, was simply more than he could bear. His soul wasn't big enough to contain it, and he pulled off his husband, gasping for air, kissing and biting roughly at his hips and thighs, and not knowing what he wanted or where he wanted to go next. Just knowing that he _wanted_.

 

Shepard felt himself being lifted off the floor, strong arms cradling him, pulling him close, and he tucked his head against Kaidan's neck, and just breathed. He felt himself falling, but it didn't concern him. Kaidan had him. Kaidan would never let go, and they wound up on the bed with his husband spread over him, blanketing him in warmth and love so pure, so raw that a tear leaked out of the corner of his eye before it was kissed away. “N-need you,” John stammered, and Kaidan knew just what to do.

 

When their bodies were joined, a physical representation of their hearts and souls and minds, John was sure he'd never felt anything so exquisite. The burn, the pleasure, the silky slide of Kaidan's cock into his body was everything he'd ever wanted, and better than anything he'd ever dreamed of. It was slow and sweet and perfect, and Shepard never wanted it to end. _Please god let this last for eternity. Please never take this away._ He couldn't do it. Couldn't lose Kaidan. Not now, when life had just begun, because he was certain that he'd never really lived before now. Everything he'd done up until now had just been the practice run. This – this moment, being bound heart and soul to the man moving against him and inside him – this was what life was all about, and until it had happened, Shepard hadn't known that.

 

The pressure, the pleasure, the dizzying rapture that he felt began to overload him, and he didn't want it to end. It was delicious and painful, and his heart ached that it would be over so soon. Kaidan slowed his movements, sensing the end and not wanting anymore than John did, and Shepard's lips sought out tastes of sweat-laced skin to tide him over while the rush ebbed. When the crisis was over, Kaidan began to move again, drawing them both to the utter brink of climax, easing off and letting them regain their footing before starting the dance all over again. When they came, it was together, the way it was meant to be. John breathed out his husband's name with a sigh, and Kaidan did the same.

 

They held each other through the quaking aftershocks, lips meeting again for languid kisses that went on for eternity. Shepard brushed his nose against Kaidan's with a tender smile. Kaidan returned it, fingers rubbing gently over John's scalp, tracing the shell of his ear, touching the scar at his lip. Wordlessly, Kaidan shifted off of him, grabbing a t-shirt from the floor to haphazardly clean them up with before settling behind his husband and wrapping tight arms around him. A new feeling welled within Shepard's chest, something unfamiliar yet comforting, something he'd never experienced before. Safety. As long as he was here in Kaidan's arms, he was safe, protected, loved.

 

Lips touched the back of his neck briefly. There was one last squeeze of strong arms around him, and then he was drifting. The nightmares didn't even come for him that night.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song John played is Call it Stormy Monday by T-bone Walker (great song! Look it up!) 
> 
> I hope the wedding wasn't too cheesy, but... Space Husbands! Yay! :) 
> 
> I'll be traveling home on Sunday, and hopefully I'll be lucid enough to post a chapter Monday, on schedule, but if not, it shouldn't be any later than Tuesday. Thanks for reading, commenting, responding, etc. I love y'all and the fact that you love my story. xoxo
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John makes a new friend, and Kaidan falls in love with him all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, sweet, and sappy is the name of the game folks, but don't worry, I'll be back later in the week with more angst for those of you who crave it. :)

Kaidan entered the apartment to the smell of frying onions and garlic and despite the delicious aroma, his heart sank a little. “John,” he called to his husband.

 

“Kitchen,” Shepard's deep voice sounded.

 

“You're cooking dinner?”

 

“That a problem?” John looked up at his husband, dismayed.

 

“Well, I, uh... ran into some old buddies from basic at the market, and they invited us out to dinner.”

 

“No worries. I was just hungry and figured you might be, too. We _have_ been working up quite the appetite since the ceremony yesterday.” He smirked then shut off the stove and crossed the kitchen, pulling his husband into his arms. “You haven't kissed me since you came home.”

 

“I just walked in the door two minutes ago,” Kaidan complained, pressing his lips to Shepard's.

 

“Yeah, but you were gone for half an hour before that. We haven't been married long enough for the honeymoon to be over yet.”

 

“This is _not_ our honeymoon. When the war is over, I'm going to take you somewhere spectacular. White sand. Blue water – the color of your eyes. Lot's of booze and sex.”

 

“Mmmm... I like the sound of that.” Shepard pressed his lips to his husband's neck, nuzzling his nose under the man's jaw.

 

Kaidan knew where this was heading, and he pulled back, putting his hands on John's chest. “We're going to be late for dinner.” He pecked his husband on the lips and headed up the stairs.

 

“So these people we're meeting for dinner?”Shepard asked while he changed into a pair of black slacks, a tailored, silver shirt, and a tie that was the exact shade of blue as his eyes. Kaidan stared, mouth watering. “Shepard to Alenko?” John waved a hand in the air.

 

“It's Alenko-Shepard, thank you very much, and... you look... good. Really good.”

 

Shepard gave him the once over. Kaidan was looking pretty damn good himself in his dark jeans, button down shirt, and blazer. “Ditto,” John said. “Gonna have a hard time keeping my hands off you.”

 

“You always have a hard time keeping your hands off me.”

 

The Commander shrugged and grabbed Kaidan's hand as they headed for the door. They hailed a cab and headed for a restaurant near the embassies. It was a nice place. Dignitaries from many races dined there frequently. Kaidan had pulled a few strings to get them a reservation. Being the second human Spectre and the husband of the first came with a few perks. Kaidan's friends were waiting for them outside the door.

 

“John Shepard, Corporals Alan Prescott and Mary Wilson. Alan, Mary, Commander John Shepard.”

 

Shepard shook hands with both marines. “Nice to meet you, though it's Alenko-Shepard now,” he shot a grin at Kaidan.  
  


Kaidan huffed. “We never should have hyphenated our names. I was happy just being plain old Kaidan Shepard!”

 

“Well, I wasn't,” John said, kissing him on the temple. “Let's go eat. I'm starved.”

 

They ordered wine and appetizers, and John relaxed into the easy conversation of old soldiers swapping war stories. Prescott and Wilson had been on shore leave when the reapers attacked Earth. They were currently coordinating supply runs from the Citadel to the fleets. He relished the stories of Kaidan when he was still a new and untested enlisted man learning the ropes.

 

“So, the drill sergeant is in Alenko's face screaming his head off about the mess all over the barracks, and Kaidan is just standing there trying to keep a straight face even though he's drunker than fuck. Mary and I were hiding in the latrine, too scared to face the man.”

 

“Thanks for that by the way,” Kaidan laughed. “I think I peeled about five thousand potatoes the next day.”

 

John laughed, too. “It's a wonder I made it through basic. I think I spent more time peeling potatoes than at the firing range.”

 

“You must have done something right,” Mary said, a hint of awe in her voice. Shepard just smiled.

 

“Ex-excuse me, Commander Shepard?”

 

Shepard looked up to see an asari standing above him, twisting her fingers together nervously. He'd learned long ago that it was the kooks and fanatics who were bold. The quiet, nervous ones usually wanted his help with something. “That's me,” he said, offering her a friendly expression.

 

“I'm... so sorry to bother you, but-”

 

“It's no problem, Miss?”

 

“T'Khanna. Manava T'Khanna, I-”

 

“Yes, I believe you sent me a message earlier. It's a pleasure to meet you,” he paused to shake the woman's hand. “This is my husband, Major Kaidan Alenko-Shepard, and Corporals Prescott and Wilson of the Alliance. Ms. T'Khanna has asked me to help with a special surprise for her daughter,” John explained. The rest of the table greeted the woman warmly. “Is Lati here?”

 

“Yes, she's with my bond-mate,” Manava waved to a table with a turian and a little asari girl in a wheelchair.

 

“I'd like to meet her,” John said quietly.

 

“You would? Commander, you... honor us. Thank you!”

 

“Why don't you and your family join us for dinner?” He glanced at Kaidan who nodded almost imperceptibly.

 

“I wouldn't want to intrude, Commander.”

 

“I insist,” he said waving the waiter over and instructing him to add another table and enough chairs for the couple to their table. Manava's mate, Sarnus, brought Lati to their table, and after shaking hands with the father, John turned to the little girl. “Hello Lati. I'm John.” He reached out and took the girl's hand as she beamed at him.

 

“Com-Commander She-Shepard,” the girl said though it was obviously a struggle for her to formulate the words.

 

“My best friends call me John,” he said softly, a friendly smile gracing his lips. “Try that.”

 

“John,” Lati said with a triumphant smile.

 

“That's it!” He balled up his free fist and tapped it gently against the girl's. “Would you like to be my date tonight, Lati?” She nodded enthusiastically and squeezed his fingers. “This is my husband, Kaidan,” he said, hitching a thumb over his shoulder. The girl waved shyly, and Shepard added in a loud whisper, “But don't tell him you're my date. He gets mighty jealous. It'll be our secret, okay?”

 

Lati giggled, and Kaidan's heart melted. Not that he'd doubted it, but seeing this, he knew that John would be an amazing dad some day. The scene before him just made him hope all the harder for that future they'd dreamed about. Silently, he wondered how many times it was possible to fall in love with the same person. They ordered, and John helped Lati get her food to her mouth since her limbs didn't work properly. By the end of the meal, the girl was perched happily in Shepard's lap as they worked together to draw a picture of themselves. Lati insisted that he be wearing his armor, so he drew himself in black and red N7 armor, holding hands with the little asari girl in a wheelchair. She also insisted that he draw little hearts and flowers all over the page, and he promptly obeyed.

 

“Would you like to see the Normandy?” He looked to the girl's parents for permission when Lati voiced her enthusiasm.

 

“Commander, you don't have-”

 

“Nonsense,” Shepard interrupted. “Prescott, Wilson, you're welcome to join us.” John called Cortez to come get the group in the shuttle since there were too many of them to fit into a taxi while Kaidan paid for the meal. “This is my new girlfriend,” Shepard announced to Cortez as they boarded the shuttle. “Her name's Lati!”

 

“Does that mean the Major is available?” Steve asked with a chuckle.

 

“Don't push your luck, Lieutenant!” Shepard warned. Steve held his hands up in surrender, laughing. John took the girl to the cockpit, sat in the co-pilot's chair, and showed her the controls while Steve turned on the external cameras so they could see where they were flying. “There she is,” John said, pointing out the window as the Normandy came into sight.

 

“She's beautiful,” Lati said breathlessly.

 

“I agree.” The shuttle landed, and the group exited into the bay. Shepard carried Lati on his shoulder all over the whole ship, showing her every detail, answering her every question, introducing her as his girlfriend to anyone who would stop and listen to him. By the time they all entered the captain's cabin on deck one, the girl was on cloud nine.

 

Kaidan poured a drink for all the adults, borrowing from Garrus' secret stash for Lati's father, while Shepard showed Lati the new fish that Kaidan had purchased and the model ships in the display case, going through them one by one telling the girl about the times he'd been on one or the other of the various types of ship.

 

“Major,” Manava turned to Kaidan. “I don't even know how to begin to thank you both for this night. It... it's a dream come true for Lati.”

 

“This is all Shepard, ma'am. He's a firebrand in battle, but you can see for yourself he's really just a big pushover,” he laughed.

 

“He has a heart of gold,” she said. “Isn't that what humans say?”

 

“Yes it is, and yes... he does.”

 

“Alright, Lati,” Shepard said setting her back into her wheelchair in the shuttle. “My friend Steve is going to take you home, okay? And tomorrow I'm going to go into the combat simulator and fight just for you. You gonna watch me?”

 

“Yes, J-john!”

 

“You promise?”

 

The girl nodded her head. “You... are my... hero... John!”

 

“You're my hero, Lati. You keep fighting so you can get better, okay? And I'll see you tomorrow.” He kissed the child on the top of her head. “Sweet dreams!” He gave VIP passes to the private box he'd been assigned at the Armax Arena to Lati and her parents as well as the Corporals, and wished them all a good night. He and Kaidan made their way back to their cabin, and John carefully placed the picture that he and Lati had drawn into the display case with his model ships.

 

“You're amazing,” Kaidan said, hooking his fingers into Shepard's belt loops and tugging him close.

 

Shepard's hands rested on his husband's shoulders. “It doesn't take a special person to show a kid some kindness, Kaidan. How could anyone not feel sorry for her?”

 

“John, you went out of your way tonight to make that child feel like the most important person in the galaxy. Hell, I'm ashamed to say that I probably would have just spoken to her and gone on with my night, but... that girl and her family will never forget what you did for them tonight.”

 

Shepard brushed his lips quickly against Kaidan's. “Sorry I messed up your night with your friends,” he murmured as his lips traveled along Kaidan's jaw and up to that one spot just behind the man's left ear that always caused his breath to hitch and his body to shudder.

 

“They were fine. We talked plenty while you were doting on Lati. It was...” Kaidan pulled back and cupped John's cheeks. “You're going to be an amazing father some day, John.”

 

“I hope so,” Shepard shrugged. “Why don't we go home?”

 

“We are home,” Kaidan said with a chuckle.

 

“I mean the apartment. I think there are some rooms we still need to christen!”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is based off an email Shepard receives in the Citadel DLC. It's one of the Aramax Arena missions to complete. If the parameters are set correctly on the simulator, there's an announcement about Shepard doing the battle for charity. Anyway, I thought it would be fun to play around with that little quest a bit. This is another of my favorite chapters. Shepard is so sweet here I just want to squeeze him! lol Hope you all enjoyed it! :) 
> 
> Thanks for the comments, kudos, etc. 
> 
> Love y'all,   
> Elle


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which harsh reality sets back in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I kinda hate this chapter. lol... I have rewritten it so many times, and now I'm just like... meh. I hope you like it better than I do. I do have a fluffy little addendum to this that I will post as a separate work in the series. It had to be cut because it just didn't fit with the tone of the chapter. *sigh* 
> 
> Heavy trigger warnings apply here - mentions of child abuse/rape, prostitution, drug use, suicide. Yeah... sorry! 
> 
> Also, I fudged the timeline again to suit my purposes. It doesn't affect much. 
> 
> Love you guys!

During the next forty eight hours, their lives became a public spectacle. The wedding video that Allers had made had garnered billions of hits on the extranet, and every time they set foot out the door, they ended up on the news. Vid of their dinner with Corporals Prescott and Wilson. Of Shepard's arena match for Lati. Another of the two of them shopping for the party with the crew, picking up the supplies, stealing tiny kisses. It had gone beyond ridiculous. People needed to get a life!

 

Allers assured him that the publicity was great for the war effort. The brief glimpses into the lives of the first two human Spectres – and of Shepard in particular – had people daring to hope again. Hope that the war would end eventually. Hope that life would go on. John certainly never understood it. How a street rat like him had risen to a place where people were enthralled by his every move, was beyond him. Kaidan told him again and again that he should just ignore it – that the media fervor would die down eventually. They agreed that the best thing to do was to enjoy their last night of shore leave, because once they left the illusion of safety that the Citadel offered them all, god only knew what they'd encounter.

 

The party had been just what they'd needed – loud and raucous, with free flowing booze – and Shepard would wait until after the war to tell Anderson about the bullet holes in his den from Wrex, Zaeed, and Javik's shooting match. One day he'd forgive Kasumi for rifling through his underwear drawer and finding the box of “toys” Kaidan had given him as a joke for their wedding – well not entirely a joke, they'd put most of them to good use already – and for casually letting the information slip in front of Jack, who'd had a field day with it. He'd gently encouraged James and Steve to go for it with each other – noting that neither man could keep his eyes off the other, and he'd forced Miranda and Jack to face their feelings for each other by telling them to get over themselves and just go fuck already – which they'd done. And he'd woken up in Kaidan's arms, warm and safe and happy.

 

That happiness had been short lived. As he'd stood by the Normandy, eyes tracing the sleek lines of the ship that had made him the man he was today, his optimism failed him. It had been a hell of a ride, and in his gut, he knew it was coming to an end. One way or another, his time as the captain of the galaxy's most advanced warship was almost over. He remembered his prayers from his wedding night, to whatever gods might exist, repeated them here and now as he felt Kaidan's arm slip around his waist, heard him voicing Shepard's earlier thought out loud, “It's been a hell of a ride.”

 

“The best,” Shepard murmured as he jogged to catch up with his husband, and the weight of the universe crashed right back down on his shoulders the minute he set foot aboard the ship.

 

_John hadn't learned to swim until he'd joined the Alliance. There had never been an opportunity for him before. And even by the time he was at ICT for the most advanced training the Alliance had to offer, he wasn't considered that strong a swimmer. When the instructors led them to the beach for a day of rescue divers training, Shepard's heart had sunk to his shoes, because he was certain this would finally be the test that flunked him out of the illustrious training._

 

_It started simply, letting each trainee gain their footing by wading out into the crashing waves at high tide. Fear had settled around his heart like a vice, but he crushed it down violently – like he did with most emotions – and plunged into the water like he'd been born there. The fear intensified as the waves crashed over his head, preventing him from regaining his footing. Fuck flunking out! He was going to die here, drowning in the waves that refused to give ground._

 

That same feeling, that he was in over his head and couldn't get his feet to firm ground while the waves pounded his back and shoulders, was what swallowed him now. This was the end. Or very soon would be, and the reapers and Cerberus just kept knocking into him, trying to drown him, refusing to let up.

 

And then they'd gone to Thessia, and that had almost been the end of Shepard. The tenuous thread of control that Shepard clung to desperately nearly snapped, and it was only Kaidan's love and devotion that kept him off the proverbial ledge. Life, it seemed, was in the business of trying to break Shepard. Had been from his birth and his abandonment by his parents. But Shepard was a fighter. Had been from the beginning, and he refused to let the defeats stop him. He trudged on – finding Leviathan and somehow breaking free of the being's hold on his mind – though it brought up new fears he hadn't considered before. Indoctrination. How far away from that was he, really?

 

He didn't get the chance to study on it, because the next mission took them back to Horizon, and all the bitter memories were shining and beautiful in comparison to the horrors that awaited them there. It was such a shame, really. Horizon was a beautiful planet with perfect weather and soil conditions. The ideal home. Except that it had been plagued with catastrophe since it had first been settled, and when Shepard arrived back on the ship, he was furious. He was done. He'd had enough of this fucking bullshit war and the Illusive fucking Man and the goddamned reapers and every other low-rent son-of-a-bitch in the galaxy who dared to oppose him or who took advantage of the precarious state of the world at the moment.

 

It just so happened that poker night landed on the same day they'd visited Horizon. He should have skipped it. Knew he should have, but Kaidan convinced him that sticking to the routine would be good for them. So Shepard had caved and gone, and had realized his mistake the moment his ass hit the chair.

 

He was testy, snapping at every little comment made. Joker made some crack about how gay he and Kaidan were when he heard that Kaidan had given him a haircut. “I always wondered if you guys spent your time alone doing each other's hair and nails.” Shepard bit the pilot's head off, and Kaidan hid a grin behind his glass of bourbon, which only fueled Shepard's ire. The pair of them ended up sniping at each other until Garrus had cleared his throat loudly and dealt the cards. Shepard pouted and Kaidan ignored him, and John really wished he'd just stayed the hell upstairs.

 

“So,” James drawled, puffing away on one of the cigars Shepard had brought to share. “What embarrassing topics are we going to delve into tonight?”

 

“I think we should lay off the embarrassing topics for awhile,” Joker said, eyeing Shepard warily.

 

Garrus piped up, “He's just afraid we'll ask him what it's like having sex with a robot.”

 

“Maybe we should ask what it's like having sex with a quarian,” Kaidan quipped next, and Shepard actually chuckled at the face Garrus made.

 

“How about we not talk about sex at all,” Shepard suggested, sorting through the cards in his hands. “You already know more about my sex life than I'm comfortable with.”

 

“Yeah, Javik gave a pretty detailed account of his night on your bathroom floor,” Steve said with a laugh.

 

Kaidan had had to physically restrain Shepard to keep him from killing the Avatar of Vengeance when he'd found him the morning after the party. The Prothean had been keeping his distance from Shepard ever since, with good reason. Knowing that not only had he spied on him and Kaidan, but that he was telling people what he'd seen caused fury to boil Shepard's blood to the point that his biotics flared around him briefly. “You didn't have to listen,” he informed Steve curtly.

 

“No, but... come on!” Steve smiled at him, and Shepard just glared harder, ignoring Kaidan's hand on his knee that was attempting to calm him.

 

“Bunch of fucking perverts,” Shepard grumbled as he raised the bet to a hundred credits. “I can assure you that I don't want to know what in the hell you do when you're naked!”

 

Adams and Donnelly had started joining them for their poker nights. The Chief Engineer was the next to bet, raising a little higher.

 

“So, Donnelly, I heard a rumor about you and Gabby,” Joker said.

 

“Did you hear this rumor from your girlfriend... who happens to be a space ship?” The man asked in his thick Scottish accent.

 

“Maybe.”

 

“Well,” Ken said, trying to take the focus off his own love life, “I have it on good authority that our Chief of Engineering here and our own good Doctor have been taking to the sheets quite regularly.”

 

Shepard knew all this of course. Little happened on this ship that he didn't know about. Besides he'd caught Ken and Gabby red handed, making out in the engineering subdeck. And Chakwas herself had told him about her budding romance with Adams. He was happy for his friends. Really he was, and his mood was starting to lighten a little, enough for him to chuckle and say, “We're going to have to start calling this ship the Love Boat.”

 

However, Garrus' next comment brought the simmering rage back to a full boil. “You started it, Shepard,” Garrus drawled. “Even in the turian military it's considered taboo for the commanding officer to fuck a subordinate.”

 

Shepard growled and glared at the turian. “Why do you always try to make it sound like I'm a whore, Garrus? Kaidan is the only subordinate I've ever slept with. Hell, before him, I tried to avoid sleeping with other marines at all. And before you say anything, there weren't all that many before!” He sighed roughly.

 

“I think somebody touched a nerve,” Joker stage whispered.

 

“Oh, go to hell, Joker!” Shepard snapped.

 

Kaidan tried to salvage what little remained of their night, “I just think it's great that so many people have found comfort now. Five years ago, I would have been mortified to serve on a ship where everyone was openly pairing off like this, but... the end of all life as we know it tends to put things in a different perspective.” He leaned in and kissed Shepard tenderly on the lips.

 

Vega tossed his chips into the center of the table, making a face that gave away the fact that he was bluffing his ass off. “So how many, Shepard?”

 

“How many what?”

 

“Guys have you slept with.”

 

“None of your fucking business!”

 

“Well, you said it wasn't that many... I just think we should get to be the judges.” There were murmured agreements around the table, but Shepard stubbornly kept his mouth shut.

 

“I admit, I'm a little curious myself,” he heard Kaidan say, and his head slowly swiveled around to face his husband, jaw going slack.

 

“Wait,” Joker butted in, “You guys are married! You've never had this conversation before now?”

 

“No. Why would we?” John asked.

 

“Most couples want to air all the dirty laundry before they tie the knot,” Steve said, looking slightly shell shocked.

 

Shepard scrubbed a frustrated hand down his face. _Why me?_ “It's in the past. I don't see the point in bringing it up.” Then with a pointed look at Kaidan, he added, “Especially in front of our friends.”

 

The Major shrugged again. “Mine's ten,” he said casually.

 

John sighed in defeat. “My choice? Ten or twelve guys... plus that one god awful night with that chick in Rio. Not my choice? A hell of a lot more than that.” He downed his drink and went to the bar for a refill, taking a few steadying breaths. Every nerve in his body wanted to hurl his glass through the mirror on the back wall. He tried gritting his teeth against the urge, but gave in at last, shattering the mirror, glass, and several bottles of booze. Without another word, he strode out of the lounge.

 

In his cabin, he quickly changed into shorts and a t-shirt, heading to the shuttle bay for some one on one time with Vega's punching bag. He couldn't believe Kaidan had subjected him to that. Of all the people in the galaxy, Kaidan knew how things had been for him. It was true that he still didn't know quite how bad things had been, but he knew enough that he shouldn't have asked in a group of people. Looking back, Shepard wished he'd just kept his fucking mouth shut. He could have lied, or played it off, or even just refused to answer. Then again, he was fucking tired of running from his past. It was like a ghost that hounded him every day.

 

His method for dealing with the feelings of being raped repeatedly as a child was to simply ignore any that cropped up, tamping them down with brutality. Kaidan was the only person he'd ever opened up to. Garrus had seen some of what his life had been like. Ashley, too, but she was dead. Most of the people who knew his past were dead, in fact. Some by his own hand, others by the hands of those he'd killed. Something he'd never told even Kaidan was how much he'd cared for Greg – the first boy he'd chosen to share himself with. The two of them had been used and abused by Big Tommy, and it had become a bond between them. He wouldn't have gone so far as to call it love, but Greg had been an anchor to ground him when Johnny bore the brunt of Tommy's abuse. In the end, Greg had been so plagued by the demons of what they'd suffered that he'd taken his own life right in front of Johnny.

 

His fist connected with the punching bag as a growl of pain escaped his lips. Why the fuck couldn't Kaidan have kept his damn mouth shut? It was a flurry of fists after that first one. His brow beaded with sweat that started rolling down his temples, merging with silent tears on its way down his cheeks. He beat the bag until his fists were bloody and exhaustion nearly consumed him, but he didn't stop. Couldn't stop. All he wanted to do was to escape his whole life. The past that wouldn't let him rest. The present that was slowly but surely killing him. The future that he desperately wanted, but was utterly convinced he would never have, no matter how much he and Kaidan talked about it. The more he thought about it, the madder he became until his body was thrumming with dark energy that rippled off him in blue waves. It wasn't until he unwittingly unleashed a biotic flare, sending the bag exploding into a million glittering pieces, that he stopped, collapsing to his knees.

 

Kaidan was there in an instant, wrapping strong, loving arms around him. John hadn't even been aware his husband was in the room. “I'm sorry, John,” he murmured, stroking his husband's hair and pressing soft lips to his temple as Shepard keened softly against his chest. “I'm so sorry. I... just wasn't thinking. I'm so sorry.”

 

“You're the only good thing that's ever happened to me, Kaidan,” he whimpered.

 

“I don't feel very much like it right this minute,” his husband confessed. “I'm so sorry, John.”

 

“I want to stop running.”

 

“You will. Eventually.”

 

“Men used to pay Big Tommy to be with me. Dozens... hundreds, hell, I don't know how many. It was... a lot. It didn't stop until I was fifteen and my biotics manifested themselves. Then... I was a freak that nobody wanted to touch. That's when Tommy really started beating me. When he gave me this,” he pulled his shirt down revealing the heart-shaped scar. “I started taking red sand after that. I just needed... an escape. Greg... he was the first one that I... wanted to... my first boyfriend, I guess. He... fucking shot himself in the head right in front of me. He couldn't stand what Tommy was doing to me. He died because of me.”

 

Kaidan gripped his cheeks and forced John to face him. “No, John! No! He died because of Tommy. Never blame yourself for that!”

 

“He cared about me. That's why he did it.”

 

“John, this is going to sound harsh, but Greg was selfish. He took his own life because he didn't want to deal with the emotions of what was happening to both of you. It's not your fault.”

 

“I wanted to kill Tommy then, but... I was too scared. He took me to a doctor to get my implant. When I'd been trained, I became his enforcer. Killing his enemies. That was my job.” He stared down at his hands as if he could actually see the blood on them. “I'm a murderer.”

 

“No, John! You did what you had to in order to survive.”

 

“What's the fucking difference, Kaidan?” He pushed Kaidan away and hauled himself to his feet, swiping at the sweat and tears on his face and spreading the blood from his busted knuckles. “How many times have we used a convenient excuse to kill someone who stood in our way? How many times have we condemned men to die for doing the same fucking thing? I'm fucking sick of killing! But it's all I know! It's all I can do! It's who I fucking am! A murderer! A whore! A fucking drug addict! And they praise me for it! They put me in charge of this goddamned war because that's who and what I am! A fucking killer! It's all they see! It's all they want to see! It's all I'll ever be!”

 

“That's not true, John. You're a soldier with a job to do. It's not the same fucking thing, and you know it! Besides that, you're a diplomat, brokering peace between species that have been at war for centuries. Come on! No one else could have cured the genophage, stopped the war between the geth and quarians. You know damn good and well that you are the only person in this whole fucking galaxy who could have done that. Yes you've had a shit life up until now, but it's not your fucking fault, John! And before you can heal you're going to have to realize that! Sometimes people are dealt shitty hands, and god... I'm so fucking sorry that you were one of them, but Jesus, John, look around you. You have friends who _love_ you and _want_ to help you! You have _me_ , and you know that you can tell me anything, and I will _never_ judge you.”

 

“How can I tell them, Kaidan? How can I open up about these things to anyone? They don't want to see that, see the things that I'm afraid of. They still need to believe that Commander Shepard is invincible and can pull this shit off, and I can't keep them convinced of that if I'm constantly dealing with their sympathy and pity over all this shit! No offense, but it's bad enough coming from you!”

 

“John, I'm your husband! It's my job to support you when you're struggling. Whether that's with the past or the present, it's my fucking job! I'm here for you because I love you! Because I want to be. Not because of the shit hand you've been dealt. Not because you're Commander _fucking_ Shepard. Not because you're famous for killing reapers. But because you're you. Because despite all the shit that's happened to you, you're still kind and compassionate. You genuinely care about people, individuals and entire species. Because you lose sleep over the deaths of your friends. Because you fucking lose sleep over the deaths of anyone, even if they fucking deserved it! Because you're a good person. Because you're not a murderer, or a whore, or a drug addict. Not anymore. Those things from your past don't define you, John. What defines you is the strong, intelligent, caring man that you are today. You... You're the best man I've ever known, and the things that happened in the past turned you into that – molded and shaped you into the perfect man for me. I love you, John. I wish you hadn't suffered so much. I really do, but it's turned you into what you are, and you have to accept that. You wouldn't have the strength you do now if you hadn't overcome so much.” Kaidan bridged the gap between them and pulled John into his arms. Shepard buried his face in his husband's neck as Kaidan stroked gentle fingers through his hair.

 

“You can do this, John. You're going to finish this, and you're going to fucking live goddammit and we're going to fucking retire and spend the rest of our lives building memories so beautiful they'll shut all this out. They'll shut out the pain and torment you suffered as a child. They'll shut out the nightmares and the guilt that keeps you awake at night. One day... very soon, you're going to sleep through the night and wake up knowing that the galaxy is safe from the reapers forever, and that you were the one man who could make that happen. And when that day comes, I'm going to be curled up beside you in the bed, keeping you warm and making love to you and just... fucking holding you in my arms forever.”

 

“Okay,” Shepard sniffled. “Shit! Alright.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah...”

 

Kaidan cupped his cheeks again. "We're going to get through this, John. You and me. Together."

 

Shepard gave a shallow nod, and whispered, "Together." 

 

 

 

[ [Deleted haircut scene]](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10880175)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm just glad this chapter is over. Settle in for a couple more hard chapters. Love you guys! Thanks for putting up with me! ;) I cherish each and every comment y'all send! <3
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and Kaidan face the end of the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get your hankies folks. :)
> 
> Go back to Ch. 31 and see the great new drawing by rego-mem!

Kaidan stayed awake listening to Shepard's quiet snores, finding peace in the way his husband's chest expanded and contracted with each breath. His arms held the Savior of the Galaxy tight as he slept and dreamed, and Kaidan said a quick prayer to whomever might hear him that the dreams would be pleasant for once. Closing his own eyes, he replayed the night over in his mind.

 

“ _I lied. I didn't come here for a quick drink.”_

 

_Soft lips and calloused hands. Breathy sighs and exquisite moans. Whispered I love you's in the dark. Sweat tinged skin and writhing bodies._

 

More than anything he'd ever wished for before, Kaidan didn't want it to be the last time. His life was incomplete without John Shepard. John often reminded Kaidan that he'd had nothing worthwhile, nothing fulfilling in his life before they'd met, but sometimes Shepard forgot that the same was true for Kaidan. He'd had his family and his career, sure, but meaningful relationships and someone to share a life with – those had eluded him for years before meeting John. He'd been content with his life, sure, but happy? He hadn't even known he was unhappy before meeting the Hero of Elysium.

 

For all his humble beginnings and self-doubt, John Shepard was a force of nature. His entrance into a room demanded attention from every eye. His presence commanded respect and honor, and the man was so modest, he could hardly conceive it. But underneath all that lay something gentle and fragile and tender. A beating heart that had only ever been entrusted to one person. Kaidan choked on a broken breath as the weight of the treasure he'd been given settled around his heart. John was his. Had only ever belonged to him. It made him feel like the luckiest man alive. The luckiest man who'd ever lived.

 

He must have dozed eventually, because he awoke some time later to see Shepard sitting on the side of the bed, cradling his head. They shared a few last worries. Just a few more words of encouragement. One brief kiss. _Please don't let it be the last._

 

And the war waged on.

 

Shepard fought through the Cerberus base with a ferocity that Kaidan had rarely witnessed, where he'd once again faced the soul crushing fear that he was little more than a husk or shadow of Commander Shepard. Where the Illusive Man still toyed with him, and goddammit, Kaidan couldn't wait until that bastard got what was coming to him. Where Kai Leng finally paid for the havoc he'd wrought, and the last words the man had heard were Shepard swearing his vengeance on a fallen comrade.

 

The trip back to Earth was filled with tense silence and dread. The crew buzzed around like bees at a hive, but eerily quiet. All effort and ability was focused on getting the ship safely to the battle. After that, who knew what the hell would happen. There was no chatter, no easy banter. It was all business, and Shepard presided over it all with that quiet calm he'd always displayed when the crew had most need of it. He made his rounds, checking in with his squad one final time, resting a hand on the crew's shoulders and murmuring words of encouragement.

 

Kaidan had seen it play out time and time again. Shepard did what he did. What he'd love for someone to do for him. Offered quiet inspiration, expecting nothing in return. And he saw it in the new light flickering into tired eyes. The way the posture of whomever he was speaking to straightened, shoulders rising, resolve strengthening. And Kaidan was damn proud. Proud to have been given the privilege to know this man, to work with him and serve under him, but more that that, he was proud to call John Shepard his best friend, his lover, his husband. The man was a walking miracle, in more ways than one. He just hoped John's luck would continue to hold.

 

The crew held a collective breath as they passed through the Charon relay. Shepard stood on the bridge behind Joker, staring stoically out the windows. Ramrod straight, feet shoulder width apart, hands clasped behind his back, chin held high in defiance of whatever the reapers thought they were going to accomplish today – just like he had on the day of Normandy's maiden voyage, when Kaidan had admired his toned form, vibrant eyes, and devilish smile.

 

They'd come full circle. It had all started here, this way. Shepard snubbing his nose at the danger, at the worst the enemy could throw at him. Shepard refusing to give ground when the world beat against him. Shepard rising to every challenge the galaxy could hurl his way.

 

And Kaidan watched it all with quiet reverence, pride, love, and a fool's hope that he could pull it off one more time. _Just once more, John, please. For me._ It wasn't fair to lay that burden on already straining shoulders, so he kept the thoughts to himself, but it was like a broken record sounding in his head. _Just once more. That's all I ask._

 

The fleets reported in one by one, and with each new announcement, the excitement aboard the ship grew and shivered and shuddered. By the time Shepard gave the order to attack, sending thousands upon thousands to their immediate deaths with a single word, the Normandy had erupted into a cacophony of voices and blaring alarms. Shepard shut it all out, only hearing what he needed to, and Kaidan fought back the tears as he watched Joker stand and salute their Commander, telling him to be safe. Shepard's soft but firm response, “We'll be fine,” struck a chord in Kaidan's heart. _Please let it be true._

 

The shuttle ride was quiet. Kaidan stared at the floor, while Garrus absentmindedly broke his sniper rifle down and quickly fitted it back together over and over, the rote monotony soothing them all in a way that should have been disconcerting but instead brought them peace. Familiarity breeds contentment. He knew he was butchering the saying, but the sentiment applied here. The repetitive click was like a balm for all of them, and that was just further evidence of the oddity of their lives. Lives devoted to fighting and killing.

 

Chancing a glance at Shepard, he saw that his husband stood, holding onto the handrail above him and staring at nothing. Kaidan wanted to ask what was going through his mind, but it was too late for that. They'd said their goodbyes before leaving the cabin. Now it was all about getting the job done.

 

They hit the ground at a run, wading into the husks piled chest deep all around them. Shepard's body was like the most brilliant light show Kaidan had ever seen. His radiance dimmed the stars as he harnessed dark energy and flung it violently at the mindless thralls that tried to stand in their way. It had been his way for so much of his life, that he couldn't remember anything else. His hands had been an instrument of death since he was a child, and thank god for that. Without it, Kaidan wasn't sure where they'd be.

 

Shepard was in full Commander mode now – barking orders, knowing they'd be obeyed by the men who'd stood by his side the longest. Kaidan had been the first one on this journey with Shepard. They'd left Arcturus Station – a place that was nothing more that dust and ashes now – as young soldiers still aching for a fight, with just enough age and experience to approach their mission with level heads. They'd returned to Earth a lifetime later fully vetted old soldiers, world weary and worn down with the stresses of war. Time hadn't been kind to them. The reapers, even less so. But the experience gained through the years of this war might just mean the difference between life and death on the streets of London.

 

Neither of them had ever been here. This was never how they wanted to see it.

 

 _One day we'll travel together for the hell of it,_ Kaidan thought _. We'll take my parents on exotic trips to see rebuilt Palaven and Rannoch and Tuchanka. We'll see beautiful places and make love under the stars of every planet there is. We just have to survive this – these next few minutes, hours, days._

 

Five minutes. If they could just survive the next five minutes, things would be fine. He'd worry about the five after that when the time came.

 

Shepard was always in his sight. Even as Kaidan fought against the overwhelming odds, he knew where his husband was at all times. They'd always worked well together. Now with their hearts and souls joined as they were, it was like synchronized swimming – only with guns and death and smoke instead of water. Garrus even commented on it, and Kaidan grinned at the note of awe in the turian's voice. They'd earned this through countless battles and hours spent memorizing each other's every move and gesture and tone. If Shepard looked right, Kaidan shot right. If Shepard stepped backward, Kaidan stepped forward, tossing his biotics around to stem the tide of flowing husks.

 

Every species had been affected by this point – turian, batarian, asari, krogan. Thank god they had yet to meet an elcor husk, but if this war dragged on any longer, it was only a matter of time. They had to end this. Here. Today.

 

It felt like they'd been fighting for hours before there was finally a break in the line, and Shepard thudded onto a broken wall to catch his breath. His hands trembled from over exertion, and Kaidan silently passed him a protein shake, accepting the gratitude in his husband's eyes. “How're you holding up?”

 

“Fine,” Shepard said, and Kaidan didn't call him on his lie. “You?”

 

“Fine,” he lied right back. They may never be fine again. They both glanced around, taking note of the damage, the dead bodies that littered the streets. Far too many of them weren't reapers. The stench of death and decay wafted up to them, and all three of them brought a hand to their noses to try and squelch it, though it made little difference at this point.

 

“Not only burning bodies, but rotting bodies,” Garrus muttered, and Kaidan wasn't sure what he was referring to, but he could easily guess. Shepard hummed his agreement before downing another shake and standing up to look around. Even nightmares couldn't contend with their current reality. To think this had been going on for millions of years. To think that they were the first to get this close. And yet, they were far from finished.

 

Kaidan joined him on the hilly rise that was actually a crumbled wall, and they scanned the landscape together. It only got worse from where they were standing. They'd fought so hard already, and they still needed to get to those Hades cannons before the rest of Hammer could land. Then they had to make it to the FOB. _One thing at a time, Alenko._

 

Shepard brushed the backs of his gloved fingers across Kaidan's cheek then unholstered his pistol and took off toward their objective.

 

To his dying day, Kaidan would never forget the screams, the smells, the sounds of the battle that raged around them. He'd never forget how fierce Shepard looked. How heroic. He'd never forget the rush of emotion or the swell of pride as he watched the man he loved do what he was best at – bringing the enemy to their knees with ruthless efficiency.

 

Even Kaidan was moved by the speech Shepard made. They'd said goodbye, again, and Kaidan honestly didn't know how many more times he could say goodbye to this man without just dying of a broken heart. But Shepard had promised that he'd be waiting for him on the other side, and he'd promised right back that he'd fight like hell for what they had. One more chance to hold him in his arms. That's all he was asking for. Then all of it – the pain, the heartache, the struggle against all odds – would be worth it.

 

Garrus and Kaidan were again chosen to have Shepard's back. It had been the three of them from the beginning. Kaidan remembered the hotheaded and untried C-sec officer that Garrus had been back then. The turian's hero worship of Shepard had probably been as blatant as Kaidan's own, but he'd proven himself a friend – to the both of them – loyal and true to the end. There was no one Kaidan would rather fight and die alongside of. And if this was to be their end, then the three of them would end it the way it had begun. Together.

 

Kaidan extended a hand to the turian. “Alenko,” Garrus stated, gripping and shaking the man's hand firmly.

 

“It's been an honor, Vakarian.”

 

“Likewise.”

 

Shepard turned and nodded his satisfaction, before training his focus back on the coming battle. And when Anderson gave the order, the trio marched out, heads high, and worked in harmony like they never had before. The reapers were already dead, they just didn't know it yet. It was up to them to send the memo.

 

Hours passed. Or days. Kaidan wasn't sure which, but they kept going, kept fighting. One way or another, this was over now. Never again would civilizations have to live in fear of the reapers. All because of John Shepard and the work he'd done. He'd fought and screamed and yelled and bludgeoned to get to this point, and now it was time to bring these bastards to their knees.

 

The target was in sight. Only half a kilometer away lay the beam that would take them to the Crucible, and they could fire that goddamned thing and it would all be over. Victory was at hand, and Kaidan could taste it – sweet and tangy – along with the ash and putrid flavor of death. It was bittersweet. So many who'd begun this fight with them weren't here to savor this moment. Jenkins. Ashley. And many others that Kaidan hadn't had the chance to know.

 

Kaidan thought about them now.

 

Jenkins – so young and untested, so ready to take on the galaxy. He'd wanted so badly to make a difference in the world, and his life had been snuffed out before their very eyes. Too young to die. Too optimistic to believe he could meet such a fate. Just like the rest of them, Jenkins had been in awe of Shepard, had hung on his every word, had believed him when he'd said they'd win. “This is for you, Rich,” Kaidan murmured.

 

Ashley – so brave and beautiful, so full of life and fire. She'd always teased Kaidan about being uptight, about following Shepard like a puppy around the ship, but she'd been a true friend. Possibly the truest Kaidan had ever had, save John himself. She'd been there with them through thick and thin, never hesitating to do what was asked of her. Never sitting on the sidelines to let the men folk handle it. Kaidan chuckled. Ash would be insulted by the very idea. He and John had loved her like a sister, and she'd loved them right back. She'd been their confidant and their pal, and their lives were lesser for not having her with them. “Steer us right, Ash,” he begged.

 

Shepard caught the sound, and Kaidan caught the glimmer of a tear in the man's eyes before he reached for his husband's hand. They stood on the edge of a precipice again. No Man's Land, Anderson had called it. Everything had been razed here, so that less than nothing remained. The reaper's beams had dug down to the bedrock and there weren't even any corpses scattered on the ground to remind them that people had lived here once. No buildings, or vehicles, or structures of any sort. Just bare rock between them and the beam.

 

Shepard squeezed his hand, and their eyes met. It was now or never. They jumped of the ledge, and the only thing to do was run.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank y'all for all the comments and encouragement. I appreciate every single comment! Sorry for the cliffhanger, but you know, I've got to keep y'all on your toes! ;) 
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the war finally ends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First - There is a good bit of canon divergence in this chapter. I make no apologies. :)
> 
> Second - It's pretty sappy, just like me! :) 
> 
> Third - This is the end of the games, but this story is not over. Stay tuned for post war goodness and drama! :)

_No matter what happens, I love you. Always._

 

Anger and grief swelled in Kaidan's chest in equal measure as he stared at the medbay ceiling, tears leaking out of his eyes and rolling down his temples and into his hair and ears. How could John do this to him? Again. John was gone, and he'd left Kaidan here all alone. Major Coats had announced with sorrow, regret, that all of Hammer's ground forces had been obliterated. That included John – his goddamned husband, who'd left Kaidan standing there, pleading with him not to be left behind. He'd seen it in Shepard's eyes – the moment he closed off a part of himself to his husband's pleas so that he could do what had been asked of him. And Kaidan hated the entire galaxy at the moment. Every single person they'd fought so hard to save, Kaidan despised them. Because of their faith in Shepard, their belief in him to get the job done, their cries for his help, he was dead, and Kaidan was all alone.

 

He couldn't do this. Not again. The last time he'd thought Shepard was dead had nearly destroyed him. No. This time would be different. He and John had made promises to each other months ago. To finish what the other started should the worst come to pass. Well, the worst had fucking come to pass, and Kaidan wasn't physically able to finish what John had started, so he'd made up his mind to keep his other promise to John. A bullet with his name on it. All he needed was the chance to be alone.

 

Chakwas fretted and fussed over his broken leg, but Kaidan was numb to it. Numb to the world. Everything was gray and muted, and the taste of bitter ash still clung to his tongue. He barely felt the pinprick as the doctor started an IV, ignored the cooling rush of painkillers that brought absolutely no relief from the real pain he suffered.

 

How could Shepard _do_ this to him?

 

“Kaidan,” James murmured softly beside him, head hanging low.

 

“Please don't, Lieutenant,” Kaidan growled through clenched teeth, and the younger man nodded, quietly taking up his place in a corner of the room, torn between wanting to give Kaidan his privacy and wanting to be close in case someone needed him. James had always been good that way. He could use a little more training, but hell, Shepard had been thrown into the deep end feet first and learned to swim just fine. James could do the same. He'd make a fine CO once Kaidan was gone.

 

Voices around him were muffled, like they were coming from another place, then suddenly all was quiet, and Kaidan realized it was because everyone was holding a collective breath. Even Dr. Chakwas had stopped working on Garrus' injuries and was staring at the ceiling with her hand over her mouth. Kaidan strained to hear then, forced himself out of his own head so that he would know what was going on. The tiniest spark of hope blossomed when he heard Admiral Hackett breathe out a solemn, “Holy shit! He did it!” _He?_ Kaidan couldn't help but wonder. _Please let it be Shepard. God please._

 

Kaidan leaned up on his elbows, trying in earnest to focus on what was happening. Hammer's comm link was still open to the entire fleet, and Kaidan's heart was determined to pound right out of his chest. _“The beam just activated again. It's Anderson, Sir,”_ some nameless Alliance comm specialist announced.

 

“ _See if you can hail them,”_ Hackett ordered.

 

“ _Aye, Sir!”_

 

“ _Hackett?”_ Shepard's ruined voice croaked out. _“Can you hear me?”_

 

“ _Yeah, Shepard. I hear you.”_

 

“ _Kaidan?”_

 

“ _Give me a minute.”_ The comm was silent for a few moments, and Kaidan assumed that Hackett was talking with Joker. _“He's safe aboard the Normandy, Shepard.”_

 

“ _Good,”_ John sighed in relief. _“Good.”_

 

Kaidan's heart lurched in his chest. Shepard was alive, but it didn't sound like he'd stay that way very long. Anderson's voice was the next to break through the silence that had overtaken the ship. _“Shepard, how are you feeling, son?”_ Anderson asked.

 

“ _Like death, but... I'm moving.”_

 

“ _Keep it that way. That's an order.”_

 

The two men moved slowly, indicative of their severe injuries. Kaidan's stomach churned as they described the gruesome scene around them – dead and decaying bodies, mostly human, being shuffled about by the Keepers. He wondered what they were planning to do with them. A vague memory surfaced just before he heard Garrus speak up from the bed beside him. “They were turning them in to a reaper,” the turian lamented. “We fought so damn hard to stop the Collectors and for what? Just so that Cerberus could turn around and help them finish the job?”

 

Kaidan could sympathize with his sentiments. Though he hadn't been there when Shepard was working for Cerberus, he'd heard all about it from Shepard's lips directly. John had even passed along the reports he'd filed with Anderson so that Kaidan could see exactly what they'd been up against. The corpse of the human reaper on Cronos Station would likely invade his nightmares for years to come. How could someone supposedly so devoted to helping humanity turn to this?

 

As he heard Shepard and Anderson meet up in another large chamber, he understood exactly how. The Illusive Man – clearly indoctrinated – was spouting nonsense about controlling the reapers even as John pleaded with him to see reason. A gunshot and Shepard's anguished cry had Kaidan trying to stand on his broken leg, forcing James to restrain him. The unmistakable sound of three bodies hitting the floor had panic surging through him.

 

“Connect me to that comm,” Kaidan ordered, and Dr. Chakwas gave her approval.

 

“John? Can you hear me?”

 

“ _Kaidan?”_ Shepard's voice was weaker than anything Kaidan had ever heard - hoarse and raspy and laced with exhaustion.

 

“I'm here,” he said calmly. “What's the situation?”

 

“ _Situation normal. All fucked up,”_ Shepard declared with a dry laugh.

 

Kaidan grinned in spite of himself. “Tell me what's happened.”

 

“ _Illusive Man's dead... Killed him myself.”_

 

“Good, that's good, John. What about Anderson?”

 

“ _Alive... but unconscious. Heading to the... controls now.”_ The more he spoke, the more labored his breaths became, so Kaidan didn't say more for now. He bit back a sob as he heard Shepard's lurching steps, one foot clearly dragging behind him. _“I'm... bleeding...,”_ Shepard informed him. _“There's... a fucking lot of blood.”_

 

“Just hang on, John. We're on our way to get you.”

 

“ _No!”_ Despite the fact that Shepard sounded like he could barely stand, he still found the strength to be a stubborn ass and argue with his husband. _“The Normandy needs... to leave with the... rest of the fleet!”_

 

  
“The Normandy's not going anywhere without her captain. Now... what do you need to do?”

 

There was a pause. Whether John was trying to think of an argument or trying to figure out what the hell he was supposed to do, Kaidan couldn't honestly say. He was simply grateful that Shepard wasn't disagreeing with him for the moment. _“Okay... I think... I've got it.”_

 

“ _The station's arms are opening,”_ Hackett announced. _“All ships fall back to the rendezvous point. Normandy, get them the hell out of there.”_

 

“Aye, sir!” Joker agreed.

 

Kaidan hated not being able to see what was going on – not being by John's side during this. The rustling of moving bodies, the pained grunts his husband made as he shuffled around had Kaidan's heart breaking in a million different ways. A loud, drawn out groan preceded Shepard's next words. _“Look Anderson, best seats in the house.”_

 

“ _God, it feels like years since I just sat down,”_ Anderson said with a groan of his own. Kaidan could tell by the strain in both their voices that they were losing a lot of blood.

 

“Do we have a lock on their location?” Kaidan asked.

 

“I'm afraid not, Major,”Traynor informed him. “We're headed toward the Crucible now.”

 

Anderson's words brought tears to Kaidan's eyes, _“You did good, son. You did good. I'm proud of you.”_

 

“ _Thank you, sir,”_ John whispered. _“Stay with me Anderson.”_ Silence followed, and Kaidan's heart sank again. Christ, he just wanted this to all be over with. His patience was wearing thin with the uncertainty and the outright fear that he would lose John at any moment. It was impossible to tell just how bad his injuries were, but he'd said there was a lot of blood. _“He's passed out again,”_ Shepard said, seemingly to no one in particular. _“Kaidan... I wish... wish you were here.... I can see Earth... Looks so peaceful.”_

 

“I wish I was there, too,” Kaidan said as a tear dripped off the end of his nose.

 

“ _I'm ready for... peace.”_

 

“Me, too.”

 

“ _I'm hurt, Kaid...”_

 

“I know.”

 

“ _It's bad... If I...”_

 

“Don't, John!”

 

“ _Goddamnit, please... Kaid... just... just let me say this... I love you, Kaidan... there's never... never been anyone else... just you... and I'm sorry. This isn't.... I just wanted us... to be together.... forever.”_

 

“I love you too, John, but it's not over yet. You're coming back!”

 

“ _Yes... sir,”_ Shepard mumbled, and Kaidan could almost feel him slipping away.

 

“John?”

 

“ _Hm? …Kaid... I...”_

 

“ _Shepard?”_ Admiral Hackett interrupted. _“Commander?”_

 

“ _Wh... what do you... need me... to do?”_

 

“ _Commander, nothing's happening.”_

 

“ _Okay... Just let... me...”_

 

Kaidan heard him fall, and thought, _this can't be it. It can't be over yet. The war isn't won. The reapers are still out there. It's not supposed to end this way!_

 

The sound of Shepard dragging himself across the floor was broadcast to every single ship in the fleet. Kaidan glanced around the medbay. Garrus stared at the ceiling. James paced between the beds, chewing his fingernails. Chakwas gazed out the medbay window at nothing. Liara focused on her hands, laced delicately in front of her. And they waited. The fate of the galaxy hung on the next few seconds and whether Shepard could survive long enough to activate the Crucible and put an end to the reapers once and for all. Kaidan's future hung on the next few seconds for an entirely different reason.

 

“ _I... can't. I don't... see...”_

 

“John?” Kaidan couldn't help asking.

 

“ _Shepard?”_ It was Anderson again. _“Normandy, lock in on my signal. The Commander's not going to make it.”_

 

The medbay sprang to life after that. Chakwas was barking orders at James and Javik, telling them to be waiting at the airlock with gurneys for both Anderson and Shepard as soon as Joker got them in place. Liara assisted her as she began the bone weave on Kaidan's leg that would heal the break and strengthen the bone against future breakages. It would take a full thirty six hours to take effect, and he'd still walk with a limp for a few weeks afterward. None of that really registered in Kaidan's mind as all he could think about was getting to Shepard.

 

All activity came to a halt again as Shepard's voice rang through the ship once more. The conversation he was having with an AI of some sort froze the blood in Kaidan's veins. Everything was deathly silent as the options were presented to Shepard. Control, Synthesis, or Destroy. The first two sounded eerily like the Illusive Man and Saren, and Kaidan couldn't help thinking that both options would end with the reapers finishing what they'd started, continuing their harvest of this cycle and countless more afterwards. Destroy would mean the immediate deaths of an entire race of sentient beings. The geth, EDI, they'd all be sacrificed to the reapers.

 

_These are no choices!”_ Shepard said at last, and he sounded tired and angry and resigned all at once. And he was right. The choices laid out were something they'd never considered before. All along they'd assumed, hoped, that the Crucible would kill their enemy, but never considered what else it would do. Now John was faced with an impossible choice, and Kaidan didn't know how to help him. Before he could speak, Shepard said, _“EDI?”_

 

“Yes, Commander.”

 

“ _EDI, I... I'm sorry.... I'm so fucking sorry.”_

 

“Shepard, I am part of the Normandy's crew now thanks to you. I am prepared to lay down my life for my crewmates, for the peace of the galaxy. It's been an honor serving with you, Commander.”

 

“ _The honor... has been mine, EDI.”_

 

“Give them hell, Shepard.”

 

“ _Aye, ma'am!”_

 

Kaidan called out to Shepard after that, but John didn't seem to hear him. Footsteps rang through the comms, picking up speed as Shepard went toward his objective. Each gunshot that followed felt like it stabbed directly into Kaidan's chest, killing him slowly. A deafening explosion sounded, then silence.

 

Time stopped as they waited for James and Javik to retrieve Anderson's and Shepard's bodies. No one could survive that. Not even Commander Shepard. Everything was numb again, and he barely registered the medbay door opening. Anderson was conscious, but in obvious pain. Javik deposited the admiral onto one of the beds just as James bustled through the door with Shepard on the other gurney, and Kaidan cried out. Shepard's body was burned, blackened from head to toe, armor melted into his skin, and unbelievably the man was still awake, thrashing and writhing on the bed.

 

As soon as James had him on the bed, Kaidan ordered the Lieutenant to help him up. He peered down at his husband, wincing at the orange glow of cybernetics in his cracked skin.

 

“That bad?” Shepard asked, his wheezing chuckle morphing into a wracking cough.

 

“You've never looked more beautiful to me than right this minute.” Kaidan leaned down to kiss his husband lightly on the lips. “You did it, John. It's over. We can go home now.”

 

“I'm with you... I am home...”

 

**

 

John lost consciousness after that. The Normandy raced for the mass relay, but couldn't escape the blast from the Crucible. Caught in the shock wave, the ship crashed on an uncharted planet. Shepard endured countless surgeries. How Chakwas found the strength or the resources to keep him alive was a mystery, but she managed it. Once his skin had been mostly replaced a second time, his cybernetic implants took over the job of healing most of his internal injuries. And though he was stable, he remained in a coma for weeks.

 

Kaidan had dutifully endured the bone weave, and though he walked with a limp, Dr. Chakwas assured him that it would fade with time as long as he didn't overdo it. Anderson had been patched up and taken command of the Normandy until they could get back to Earth. Crews worked round the clock to repair the damage the ship had taken. Kaidan led James and Garrus out onto the planet to find edible food and clean water to stretch the shipboard rations. God only knew how long it would take them to get back to Earth once they were space worthy, and the rate the repairs were going had their estimates sitting at around another two to three months.

 

EDI had proven herself invaluable during the repair process. She'd survived the blast from the Crucible, and Kaidan wasn't sure if that was because the weapon hadn't done anything at all or because the Catalyst had lied about what would happen when the thing fired. They were cut off completely from all communication with the fleet, and the planet seemed to be uninhabited as far as their scans had revealed. They had no way of knowing whether the reapers had actually been dealt with or not.

 

Kaidan had settled into an exhausting routine. He slept fitfully in the medbay at night where he could keep an eye on John even though Chakwas had cleared him days ago, and Anderson had taken the starboard lounge as his quarters leaving the captain's cabin for Kaidan and, eventually, John. Kaidan rarely went to their cabin, though, only making the trek when he needed to retrieve a fresh change of clothes. The whole crew had begun bathing and doing laundry in a nearby lake to conserve water and to keep from having to waste limited energy on the water reclamation systems of the ship. They'd even dug an old fashioned latrine. Kaidan hadn't lived in such conditions since basic, and didn't Javik just have a field day with his derogatory comments regarding the hygiene habits of primitives?

 

When he woke in the mornings, Kaidan would bring his breakfast – generally boiled grains gathered from the planet served with a side of sauteed green vegetables – to the medbay and go over the progress reports from the previous day's repair efforts. These he read to John around mouthfuls of the tasty food. Reports and breakfast complete, he would spend several minutes holding John's hand and stroking fingers through his already unruly hair, pressing soft kisses against his rapidly healing skin and begging him to hurry the hell up and wake. John remained asleep however, no matter how fervently Kaidan pleaded. After half an hour or more of this, Kaidan would sigh and kiss his husband on the lips once more before limping his way to the bridge to meet James and Garrus for their day's hunting and gathering missions. EDI had scanned everything they'd found and determined that it was safe and edible. There were many varieties of plant that he'd never seen before, but the meals the Mess Sergeant had managed to assemble were surprisingly tasty. It was actually a blessed relief from the bland rations that were standard ship's fare. Anderson had decided that it would be better to eat the perishable food while they were still stranded and to save the rations for the trek back to the Sol System.

 

The trio generally returned at lunch time with fresh food. Occasionally they were able to kill an animal that EDI again assured them would be edible. Kaidan generally drew the short straw when it came to gutting and dressing the animal, but he wouldn't complain, especially when the Mess Sergeant had quickly mastered the art of roasting the animals over an open fire outside the ship. When they included the roasted meat, their dinners had a positive effect on the crew's morale. Everyone was afraid the Commander would never wake up and walked on egg shells around Kaidan. It was grating, which was why he almost always took his meals at Shepard's bedside.

 

After lunch, he would work with the engineering team on repairs, often crawling through duct work to patch or replace damaged cables. Before dinner, he would head to the lake to bathe and wash his dirty uniform, then hobble back to the medbay to sink wearily into a chair beside John's bed and hold his hand while he rambled on about the day's events and any interesting anecdotes that had happened with the crew. More often than not, he woke in the chair hours later with a crick in his neck from dozing at an awkward angle. Chakwas had shown him some exercises he could do for John that would keep his muscles from deteriorating while he slept. After running through his own stretches and strengthening exercises, he would then get up and work through John's routine, bending and stretching his husband's legs and arms in turn and kneading the muscles firmly to increase blood flow. All the while, he would talk to John about anything that came to his mind. Sometimes it was memories from his childhood. Sometimes it was recapping the dreams for the future they'd shared with each other before the battle for Earth. Sometimes it was simply recounting some fairy tale he'd heard as a child. Chakwas had told him that the Commander's brain was reacting to outside stimuli, and so Kaidan talked and talked until his voice was hoarse and his chest ached because John remained asleep.

 

When the exercises were all complete, Kaidan would kiss his husband tenderly on the lips, pressing their foreheads together and sighing resignedly because the bright blue eyes he longed to see remained steadfastly closed. Eventually he would release his husband and crawl up onto the bed beside him staring through the dark and willing him to wake until fatigue overtook him, and he drifted off to sleep.

 

“John, please wake up and come back to me,” he whispered one night several weeks after they'd left Earth, exhaustion and despair gripping his body and making him feel like all they had fought so hard for was going to end up being in vain. Tears dripped off the end of his nose onto John's cheek. He kept their heads pressed together, eyes closed as he wept silently.

 

“Kaidan?” The voice was deep and rough from disuse, but it was John's.

 

Kaidan's eyes popped open and he found himself staring into the most perfect set of blue eyes in the galaxy. “John!”

 

“What happened?”

 

“I... honestly don't know. The Normandy crashed after we rescued you and Anderson. We're stranded. Cut off from communication.”  
  


“Then... it may not be over?”

 

“I don't know, John. I'm sorry. I just don't know. You've been in a coma for weeks. Seems you ran right into a reaper laser before reaching the beam that carried you to the Citadel.”

 

Shepard sighed and tried to bring his hand to his face, but gave out of energy with his arm in mid air, and it flopped back to the bed. “Water?”

 

Kaidan nodded and found a cup and straw, filling it, and pressing the straw to his husband's lips as he cupped John's head in his hand, lifting slightly. The whole scene was reminiscent of Kaidan's stay in the hospital after Mars. “Just a few sips, okay?”

 

Nodding, John sucked down a couple mouthfuls of water before sinking back onto the pillow.

 

“I'm going to go get Chakwas,” Kaidan said, pressing his lips to John's. “I'm so glad you're back.”

 

“Love you,” John mumbled.

 

“Love you, too.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for hanging in with me this far! I appreciate all your comments and kudos so much! 
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard begins to heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you commented that the last chapter could have been the last, and I agree. It would have finished the story and been a happy ending, but... because I'm so awesome, I bring you MORE! :) The post war stuff is mostly fluffy, although, you know, what's a story without angst. Expect a little... but not today. :)

Anderson was the first to visit Shepard after Chakwas checked him over. She'd declared that the Commander could thank Cerberus for his life yet again as his implants had undoubtedly kept him alive through injuries that would have killed a mere mortal. Shepard had rewarded her with a wry chuckle for her efforts. Anderson promoted John to the rank of Admiral on the spot – stating that the Commander was long overdue for a few promotions – and Kaidan to the rank of General. After John was feeling better, they would hold a ceremony on the ship to make the promotions official. Vega was being promoted to the rank of Lieutenant Commander as well. Kaidan hoped that it was just the first of many such victory celebrations. Assuming there really had been a victory. If not then he hoped they never got the Normandy airborne again. This planet was as good a place to die as any.

 

It was a few days before Chakwas would clear Shepard to go sleep upstairs, and that was the first good night of sleep Kaidan had gotten since before they'd gone to Cronos Station weeks before. The fact that John had made the journey on his own two legs, even if he leaned heavily against his husband, felt like it's own victory. So many things could have gone wrong. John could have died or been paralyzed, but here he was mere days after waking from a weeks long coma and already able to walk, albeit slowly – very slowly. Kaidan couldn't resist pressing his lips to John's temple, grateful for the opportunity.

 

The doctor had strictly forbidden any strenuous activity, but that hadn't stopped them from giving each other lazy hand jobs while kissing tenderly. It was slow and sweet and over entirely too quickly, what with the tiredness they both felt and their frazzled nerves, but Kaidan felt it was the most beautiful thing they'd ever done. He cleaned them both with a towel then pulled John into his arms, pressing soft kisses to his husband's neck as they dozed in each others embrace. John was so tired he didn't even have any nightmares that night. It was another step in the right direction, Kaidan couldn't help but think.

 

Shepard slowly regained some of his strength, and it did wonders for the crew's morale when he began wandering the ship and chatting with everyone the way he always had. The fact that he needed a cane to do that now didn't seem to phase anyone except for Shepard, himself. The repair work on the Normandy required more physical strength than John possessed, so Anderson made sure to involve his former XO in the decision making process for everything from which of the ship's systems to focus on next to the location of the new latrine that needed to be dug. John would grouse to Kaidan that it was obvious that the old Admiral was just trying to make him feel useful, but he knew that Shepard was appreciative of Anderson's efforts.

 

They'd been on the planet for two months when Shepard asked if they could go outside for the first time. He wanted to wade into the lake to wash himself, having had to make do with sponge baths ever since he'd woken up. Not that Kaidan had complained since he was generally tasked with assisting the newly minted Admiral with his bathing. Especially when those sponge baths inevitably lead to blow jobs and more as John's strength grew day by day. But even the best sponge baths could only get a person so clean, and Shepard was going a little stir crazy anyway.

 

Kaidan held his husband's hand as they walked down the gangway outside the ship. Shepard blinked at the brightness of the sun that he hadn't been exposed to in weeks. Kaidan hadn't realized how pale the man looked until that moment. John was gaining strength, but he was nowhere near his old self. Maybe he would never be again. The General carried their bathing supplies in a backpack so that his hands would be free to assist Shepard if need be. By the time they made it to the lake, John was panting and groaning in pain. Kaidan lowered him onto a fallen tree that functioned as a bench, then dropped to his knees in front of him massaging the tight muscles of Shepard's legs.

 

John grit his teeth against the pain until Kaidan's ministrations began to make it subside. “Thank you,” he breathed, reaching a hand up to cup his husband's cheek.

 

“My pleasure,” Kaidan replied, leaning up to peck Shepard on the lips. He turned to the backpack and started digging out the soap and towels for each of them. Finding the bar of laundry soap, he set it aside and started working on the closures of John's shirt, sliding it over the man's shoulders when he'd gotten it open. He turned to go wash the shirt in the lake when he was stopped by a hand on his arm.

 

“I'm sorry, Kaidan,” John murmured, when they were face to face again.

 

“What for?”

 

“For all this,” he gestured toward the bag of toiletries. “You have more important things to do.”

 

“Nothing is more important than taking care of you, John.”

 

“The crew deserve to get back home and find out what happened to Earth and their families. You need to get back to your parents. You should be working toward that end, but you're stuck babysitting me.”

 

“The repairs are coming along just fine, John. And there is nothing I'd rather be doing than helping you. I'm still contributing plenty to the repair efforts.”

 

“I just wish there was something more that I could do,” Shepard said dejectedly.

 

“It will happen. Be patient.”

 

John snorted. “When have you ever known me to be patient?”

 

“Point taken,” Kaidan said, smiling at his husband. “Come on. This water is cold as ice, but I think it will help you feel better. And maybe I can help you warm up while you're in there.”

 

“I like the sound of that, General.” Shepard leaned forward, pressing their lips together. It took some finagling to get them both undressed and into the water, but once they were in, Shepard went boneless, floating on the surface and smiling in a way that Kaidan hadn't seen in an eternity – definitely not since the attack on Earth. “I hope no one comes down here. They'll get an eyeful if they do,” he said after a few minutes, earning a chuckle from Kaidan, but he didn't stop floating, just relaxed on the water and enjoyed the way the weightlessness took the pressure off of still recovering joints. “This feels amazing,” he hummed. “You know I didn't learn to swim until I joined the Alliance?”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah. There was nowhere for us to swim, so...”

 

Kaidan gripped his hand and squeezed gently. “Well, we can come do this every day if you want. Swimming would be good for your muscles.”

 

“I know, but... I just want to lay here.”

 

“Fine by me. I'm certainly enjoying the view.”

 

That got him a chuckle, and Shepard peeked at him out of one eye. “Maybe floating is a little overrated.”

 

Kaidan's eye was drawn to a twitching movement lower down on Shepard's body as his cock hardened slightly. The General's body responded in kind, and soon they were panting for an entirely different reason than their long trek to the lake. Shepard wrapped his legs around Kaidan's waist as their mouths slid together like they were crafted for this specific purpose. The water aided their movements, allowing Kaidan to hold his husband's weight – which was more than it appeared due to all the hardware holding the man together. John shifted down so that their cocks were gliding against each other while Kaidan encircled them the best he could with one hand. He moaned into his husband's mouth. “I need you inside me, Kaidan,” he breathed when his husband bit lightly on the soft flesh of his ear.

 

“John, we can't... not yet.”

 

“Please, Kaidan,” Shepard pulled back, boring electric-blue eyes into honey-brown ones. “I'm not made of glass. I... need you.”

 

Kaidan groaned in near misery. “I don't want to hurt you.”

 

John kissed him again, tongue dipping urgently into the other man's mouth, fingers carding through his soggy hair. He gripped Kaidan's hand with his free one and forcefully shoved it between them until Kaidan's fingers were brushing against his opening. “Please,” he demanded, breathless.

 

A moment of hesitation later and Kaidan carefully pushed one finger inside his lover, relishing the greedy moan he received in turn and the way Shepard's head lolled back in ecstasy. He worked him carefully, the water allowing him to move without doing any damage, then added a second finger then a third. “I love you,” Kaidan murmured.

 

“Love you,” John breathed, shifting to allow his husband better access to his entrance.

 

“Are you sure about this?”

 

Shepard just nodded, too breathless to speak, and ground against the fingers that probed him. Kaidan finally slid his fingers out and lined himself up with John's hole and carefully pushed in. Shepard hissed at the intrusion, but relaxed almost instantly, relief washing over his features. He wiggled his hips to signal his readiness, and Kaidan slid out and back in with one smooth movement. Shepard cried out his pleasure, and his husband cupped the back of his head with one hand, pressing their mouths together harshly to swallow the Admiral's noises. John did his best to roll his hips forward to meet his husband's thrusts. It was awkward and clumsy, but they melted into one another, cresting together and pressing their foreheads together until their breathing slowed.

 

“See? I didn't break,” Shepard said before claiming his husband's mouth with his own.

 

“I still feel guilty,” Kaidan complained.

 

“I'll have to try harder next time then, because all I feel is satisfied.” He pressed their lips together once more before unwrapping himself from his husband's body and resuming his floating.

 

Kaidan huffed a laugh and set to work washing their clothes, careful not to let Shepard float too far away from him. He wondered how long this feeling would last – that gnawing fear that Shepard was going to evaporate or spontaneously combust at any second. Eventually John would tire of his fussing, but for now he seemed to understand. When the laundry was finished, they set to work washing each other which led to other activities that left Shepard feeling like a boneless pile of mush.

 

Okay, so maybe two orgasms in such quick succession had been a little taxing, but damn if he was having a hard time giving a fuck. He felt the best he had in... possibly years at the moment. Come to think of it, he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt like this. Their situation wasn't ideal, but for once, there wasn't a damn thing he could do to change it. There was nothing to kill, no deals to negotiate, no target to destroy, just the simple, mundane tasks of living from day to day. He liked it. A hot shower and a Blasto movie might improve things, but not by much. “I kinda want to stay here.”

 

“We can't hide forever,” Kaidan said with a grin.

 

“I know. When we get back – assuming the reapers are dead – there's going to be so much damn work to do. I wanted to retire, but... that's not going to be an option is it?”

 

“We'll do whatever you want to do, John,” Kaidan said, watching the floating man with a fond expression.

 

“No we won't. When we get back, we'll throw ourselves right back into the fray just like we've always done. As long as we're stuck here... I can actually rest. Do you know how long it's been since I did that?”

 

“Around four years I'd guess.”

 

“It's been so long I can't even remember the last time that I allowed myself to just sit without worrying about my to-do list. This is... nice.”

 

“It is nice, but my fingers are so pruney they're starting to hurt.”

 

“Alright,” John sighed. “I guess we should head back. I'm getting hungry anyway.”

 

Shepard was completely worn down by the time they made it back to the ship. He tumbled himself into a chair in the mess and waited for Kaidan to bring him a tray of food, grateful that they'd been able to find real, honest to goodness food on this planet. It was a shame that Mess Sergeant's got such a bad rap. When there was something to work with, they could turn out some good grub. Today's meal consisted of left over roasted meat, some sort of root vegetable that closely mimicked potatoes for texture even if the flavor was slightly bitter. Covered with the gravy made from the juices of the meat, it tasted as good as any mashed potatoes and gravy that John had ever eaten. A green salad dressed with oil and vinegar completed the meal, and between the walk to and from the lake, the sex, the bath, and the filling meal, Shepard felt like he could climb up on the table and sleep for days.

 

Kaidan smiled at his sleepy expression, dealt with their food trays, and walked Shepard upstairs. He tucked his husband in with a kiss before heading back down to start to work on the ship repairs. John was snoring before he even made it back to the door.

 

**

 

Shepard wandered into the cockpit, shoulders tense with nervous energy. He'd been meaning to have this conversation for awhile now, but couldn't quite figure out how to broach the subject. In the end, he decided on direct. He was somewhat infamous for that. Joker and EDI sat side by side in the cockpit as they'd always done during the war, and Shepard couldn't help a small smile.   
  


“Hey,” he said, announcing his presence.

 

Joker swiveled in his chair and returned the greeting, staring at Shepard expectantly as if he could sense why the Admiral had come.

 

Shepard sat in a chair at one of the nearby terminals and turned to face the couple. “I wanted to talk about what happened,” he stated. Kaidan had told him that the entire fleet had heard what was being said during those final moments on the Citadel. It had never been his intention to destroy anything but the reapers, but when faced with the final choice, he'd done what he had to do. The reapers had to be stopped. Too many others had died trying to make that happen. As much as he hated to admit it, he knew he'd made the right choice, even if that choice had cost them an entire species of people. But EDI had survived, maybe that meant the geth had, too. Still, over the last few weeks, he'd noticed Joker's accusatory glances and at times, downright belligerent attitude. It was time to clear the air between the two old friends.

 

“I'm not mad, Shepard,” Joker said after staring at the man for what felt like forever. “I mean I am, but... not at you.” The pilot sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose with his forefinger and thumb.

 

“It certainly doesn't seem that way.”

 

“You made the choice everyone knew you would. And it was the right one. And I guess... that's what I'm pissed about. I didn't want it to be the right one. When I heard what the Catalyst said, I thought... Synthesis could have been amazing... for me and EDI, but who's to say what it would have done to everyone else. And, just because the reapers were suddenly infused with organic material doesn't mean that they would have instantly turned good and stopped attacking us. I'm mad because... selfishly, I wanted you to make that choice anyway. Consequences be damned.”

 

Shepard just nodded in understanding, the corner of his mouth tipping up in a sad smile. “It's a hell of a thing, that's for damn sure,” he said. “I'm sorry, if that makes any difference. I guess we could get back to Earth and find out that the Crucible never fired and Earth is gone, but... I feel like it's over. And I'm grateful that EDI is still here. Hopefully the geth are, too. But, I just wanted you to know that if there had been any other real choice, I would have taken it.”

 

“I know, Shepard. I'm grateful for the way things have worked out, I just...”

 

“I know.”

 

“I'm sorry I've been an ass,” Joker sighed. “I'm... really glad you're doing so well. It would have been awful to lose you.” To Shepard's surprise, Joker stood and pulled him into a hug. “Alright, enough of this mushy crap. Let's get back to work... Sir!”

 

“Aye, aye, Flight Lieutenant!”

 

Another weight lifted off his heart.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos! I appreciate them all so much! 
> 
> A quick note about the speed of Shepard's recovery: I figure if the Crucible didn't damage EDI (or the geth) then it wouldn't have done any permanent damage to Shepard's implants either. So, they've been working to heal him from the inside out while he rests and recuperates. Just thought I'd throw that out there. :) 
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which confessions are made.

Poker night rolled around just like always, and the men gathered around the table in the lounge. There were no cigars or booze tonight, just friends gathered together to celebrate being alive. Shepard shuffled the cards quietly while the others laughed and joked, ribbing each other good-naturedly. He smiled. This is what he'd fought for – struggled and suffered for – so that his friends could sit around and play cards without the fear of death looming over them. The mood was so much lighter than it had been the last poker night before Earth. It warmed his heart.

 

“You're awfully quiet tonight, Loco,” James said during their fourth hand.

 

“Just... enjoying the company.”

 

Kaidan squeezed his knee from his place beside him. The game play continued, as did the conversation about nothing and everything. James shared stories of his family and his upbringing on the coast of California. Of summer days filled with surfing and bonfires and sneaking into his uncle's liquor stash. Cortez grew up in the more rural areas surrounding New York. An only child, he'd become accustomed to playing by himself, which resulted in his quiet, introspective nature. He talked about meeting his husband, Robert, and how their relationship developed over time. James cupped the man's face, brushing a thumb over his lover's cheekbone. Shepard smiled at that, too.

 

Joker grew up on Arcturus Station, but his family had moved to the colony of Tiptree after he'd enrolled in the Alliance. The pilot shed a single tear in memory of his family. Shepard had revealed the fate of his family to him months ago after overhearing the traumatized asari in the hospital. He recovered quickly though and relayed a few anecdotes about some of the dumber things he'd done as a child. Garrus talked about his father teaching him to shoot a sniper rifle at the shooting range in the backyard – as if backyard shooting ranges were common occurrences, and about his older sister and all the hell she'd given him growing up.

 

Kaidan talked about the orchard where his family would spend summers. He was an only child as well, but he had cousins, like Vega, and they played all summer, traipsing into one misadventure after another. Shepard kissed him lightly when his look turned sad at the memories. It would be bittersweet for the rest of their lives, but the next generation – they would reap the full benefits of the sacrifices of the crew of the Normandy and others.

 

“Your turn, Loco,” James said with a pointed look in Shepard's direction, and John knew the time had come. Time to stop running and come face to face with his past. So he did. He opened his mouth, and it all came tumbling out – his mother leaving him on the steps of the hospital and Raina finding him and trying to raise him the best an old drug addict could, the cold, miserable nights of sleeping on a pile of filthy rags while lice and fleas and rats bit him all night long, of going hungry more often than not, of the sexual abuse that began almost immediately after Raina's death and how Big Tommy had sold his body to the highest bidder and how that led him into drug addiction in an effort to obliterate the pain that he lived with day in and day out. He kept talking until his voice was hoarse and tears streamed down his face, finally winding down after telling of his chance encounter with Corporal Fields that led him to joining the Alliance on a whim just to get away from the life he was living.

 

James stood abruptly and marched out of the room, and John rested his head on the table, silent sobs wracking his body as Kaidan rubbed his back. This was what he'd feared. They would never look at him the same way again. After a few minutes, though, Vega returned and set a bottle of tequila on the table in front of Shepard. “I was saving this for a special occasion,” he said, “but... I think we all need a drink after that.”

 

John lifted his head and wiped his face with the hem of his t-shirt before cracking the bottle open and turning it up. It burned like fire going down, but he didn't care. He passed the bottle to Vega who was sitting on his left. James took a swig before passing it on to Steve and then placing a hand on Shepard's shoulder. “No fucking wonder you're so damned tough,” the younger man said smiling. “Anybody who can survive all that would have to be. You're one tenacious bastard, I'll give you that!”

 

And that was it. James moved on to talk about what he wanted to do when they got back to Earth, and everyone else fell back into easy conversation on lighter topics and the card game continued. At the end of the night, John and Kaidan crawled into bed together, curling their bodies around each other, and pressing soft kisses to one another that soon became heated and insistent. Several minutes later, sweating and sated, John tucked himself against his husband's side and drifted off into peaceful sleep.

 

**

 

It took all of three months to get the Normandy space worthy, and another three to make it back to Earth. The comm buoys were still down, but as they neared Luna, the short range comms suddenly sprang to life. John, Kaidan, and Anderson were standing in the CIC when Hackett's voice boomed through the ship. “Normandy! Where the hell have you been?”

 

“I'll let Admiral Shepard tell you,” Anderson said, stepping aside and giving the comm to John. And he took it for what it was, Anderson was passing the reins to him once more. He was again CO of the Normandy.

 

It only took them two more hours to touch down in Vancouver. The Alliance had spent the last six months rebuilding their HQ in the tattered remains of the old complex. London was a wasteland that had been abandoned soon after the war had ended. There was hope that the city could be rebuilt eventually, but the reapers had done so much damage there that for now that project was on the back burner and attentions had been turned to other cities which could be salvaged. The reaper corpses were being fitted with thrusters, hauled into space, and directed on a crash trajectory toward the sun. It was the safest way anyone could think of to dispose of the machines, not knowing whether or not the dead ships still possessed indoctrination ability. Shepard knew that they did, so their solution was a relief. They could still see plenty of the hulking frames littering the landscape through the viewports, but not as many as they'd expected. It was something at least.

 

Kaidan's parents met them at the docking bay, and they all enjoyed a tearful reunion, knowing how lucky they all were to be together again. Hackett ordered the Normandy's crew to take one month of leave in which they weren't allowed to do any work whatsoever. The only person who protested was Joker, and the Alliance arranged for Joker and EDI to stay in a hotel near Normandy's dry dock – and within the ship's tightbeam range – so the pilot quit grumbling.

 

The Alenko-Shepard family were loaded into a shuttle for the short trip to the orchard. Kaidan was relieved to see that despite the fact that the property had served as a refugee camp during the invasion, it had remained relatively unscathed. Some of the trees closest to the house proper had been removed to make room for more people, but everyone had realized the value of preserving every source of food they could. Thus the orchard was laden with ripe apples as the couple strolled hand and hand under their boughs. Autumn was in full swing. The trees in the distance were showing off their brilliant color display. A cool breeze stung their cheeks as they walked.

 

“This is nice,” Shepard said.

 

“As nice as floating lazily in the lake?”

 

John laughed. “I don't know about that. We were usually naked when we did that.” He stopped and pulled his husband into a smoldering kiss.

 

“True,” Kaidan conceded, a little breathless. “We're supposed to be picking apples so mom can make a pie.”

 

“Apple pie does sound pretty damn good. I've never felt so spoiled in my life.” They'd made it to the house where they'd spent a couple of hours drinking beer and telling Kaidan's parents what had been happening for the last six months. When everyone was starting to feel a little buzzed, Kate had shooed him and Kaidan out the door to pick apples while she worked on dinner. John sensed it was a ploy to let Tom get some rest. It was clear the man was not fully recovered from the injuries he'd sustained during the war. John had felt a little guilty about that. He wasn't back to a hundred percent, but he was getting closer everyday. A slight limp was the only thing that gave him away. If it weren't for Cerberus, he'd be dead now.

 

The couple worked to fill the basket full of apples, and John even managed to work up a little sweat. It had been awhile since he'd done much of anything physical – other than in the bed with Kaidan that was. And that sort of activity was hardly enough to condition him for actual work. He'd put on a few pounds while they were planet side and eating actual food, but he'd lost it during the long journey back to Earth when they were relegated to eating rations again. Still, it wouldn't hurt him to up the intensity of his exercise routine. He'd have to get back to work eventually, and he was still too damn young to let himself get fat and lazy.

 

John's gaze kept wandering to Kaidan's ass or the way his muscles rippled underneath his long sleeved henley. “See something you like, Admiral?”

 

Shepard tackled him into a pile of leaves and kissed him dizzy. “Hell yes!” One hand slid to his husband's ass, kneading the firm flesh while the other slithered under his shirt to tweak a nipple.

 

“John, we can't do this out here!”

 

“Why not? There's nobody around.” John nuzzled under Kaidan's jaw, nipping the skin between his teeth and causing his husband to arch up into him. “We've had sex in more public places than this,” he murmured, relishing the shiver that garnered him. He moved his thigh between Kaidan's legs, applying just enough pressure to pull a moan from his husband.

 

A woman's voice interrupted them. “Shepard! Mrs. Alenko said that I could find you here.”

 

John rolled off his husband with a groan. “Liara? What in the hell are you doing here?”

 

The asari held out a hand and pulled him off the ground. John did the same for Kaidan, and the two men set to work dusting the dry leaves off of themselves. “I'm sorry to... interrupt. I... needed to speak with you. Both of you. It's... important.”

 

Their basket was nearly full, so they carried the apples back to the house, and Kaidan led them to a gazebo where they could sit comfortably and have some privacy. “What's up?” Shepard asked.

 

“I... I'm pregnant,” Liara said, voice shaky.

 

“Wow! That's... congratulations?” Something about the way she was looking at John made his heart drop out through the bottom of his stomach. “Who's the father?” he asked with an unexpected dread in his chest.  
  


“You are.”

 

Kaidan laughed loudly, “That's a good one, Liara.”

 

“It's not a joke, Kaidan-”

 

“ _What?”_ he leapt to his feet looking back and forth between Shepard and the asari.

 

“I... please... sit and let me explain.”

 

All of Shepard's breath left him in one big rush. He didn't need her to explain. “It was before the battle. Your _gift._ ” Liara nodded, and John stood and bellowed, “What the _fuck_ were you thinking, Liara? You can't... this is an enormous breach of trust!”

 

“Well you two sure as shit seem to know what the hell is going on, but if somebody wouldn't mind explaining it to me, I'd appreciate it!” Kaidan shouted. “John, you... slept with her?”

 

“ _What?_ No! Kaidan! I would never do something like that! Asari reproduce through the mind meld. It's a conscious decision on their part. Before the battle she said she had something she wanted to give me. I... had no idea that,” he swallowed and sat with a thud, head in his hands. “Fuck! I had no idea that's what...”

 

“You did this without his consent? Without his knowledge?” Kaidan asked, incredulous.

 

Liara was weeping openly. “I'm sorry... I... It was impulsive. I honestly didn't expect him to survive, and... when I realized what I had done, I made up my mind to give the baby to you Kaidan, so that at least you would have this piece of him. And... I want you two to have her. To raise her. I promise that she will be your daughter, and I will never interfere with her life. If... you want her... that is. John, I'm... I can't even begin to express how very sorry I am. I just don't have any excuse.”

 

Kaidan fell back onto the bench scrubbing his hands up his face and fisting them into his hair. “Holy _shit!_ I... I don't even know what to say. I can honestly say I never expected to find out that my gay husband had gotten a woman pregnant!” His voice was bitter.

 

“Kaidan, it wasn't like that,” John lamented. “I wouldn't do that. Look it up if you don't believe me. There doesn't even have to be physical contact for it to happen!”

 

“And why the fuck are you so well versed in asari reproduction, John?”

 

Shepard looked like he'd been slapped. “Liara told me years ago when we were talking about asari culture. You... why the fuck are you mad at _me_?”

 

“Why would you let her join with your mind knowing that?”

 

“Because we've done it before and it wasn't... it was never anything... The mind meld is just an alternate form of communication, or it should be.” He glared at Liara. “Can you please give us a few minutes?”

 

“Yes... I'm... sorry. I... This was certainly-”

 

“Just give us a moment,” John cut her off, voice harsher than he intended. When they were alone, he fell to his knees in front of Kaidan, taking his hands into his own. “Kaidan... you have to believe me. If I'd had any idea that was her plan I would never have agreed to it. She said she had a gift for me. Please look at me?” Kaidan took a few steadying breaths before raising his head to meet John's tear-filled eyes. Shepard continued, “I didn't know. I'm just as shocked and angry as you are, okay? I feel just as betrayed as you do. I trusted her, and apparently I shouldn't have. I... please don't be angry with me.”

 

“What did she show you?”

 

“The galaxy... at peace. Free from the reapers. A glimpse of the future she didn't think I'd live to see. It was... there was nothing sexual about any of it. She held my hand but that's all. I had no reason to believe that it was anything more than what it appeared to be.”

 

“And why didn't you tell me before?”

 

“I didn't think anything else of it. I didn't talk to you about any of my goodbyes to the crew. I just didn't think it was relevant.”

 

“John, she invaded your mind!”

 

“It's... damn it! It's not... You know it's not the first time that's happened. You've been there every other time. Did you feel like it was anything more than an exchange of information?”

 

“No,” Kaidan replied somewhat sulkily.

 

“Then why would I have assumed this time would be any different?”

 

“I don't know. It just feels...”

 

“Yeah... I know.” John swore under his breath. “I'm sorry Kaidan. This... I can assure you that this never even crossed my mind. I would never have been a willing participant in something like that.”

 

Kaidan sighed and leaned forward to cup John's face with his hands. “I believe you. I'm sorry.” Their lips met briefly. “What the fuck are we going to do?”

 

“What do you want to do? I'll do whatever you want.”

 

Standing to pace, Kaidan rubbed a tired hand back and forth across his forehead. “So explain this to me. The baby can't possibly have your DNA.”

 

“No. Asari... hack the genes – for lack of a better term – of the father and use the genetic information to randomize the mother's genes and create a separate individual. The baby remains asari, but maintains genetic traits from the father... from me... Jesus, this is just the most fucked up thing!”

 

“Tell me about it!” Kaidan continued pacing while John sat with his head in his hands. “If she's yours and she'll have your genetic traits and Liara is willing to give her to us and stay out of how we raise her, then... I want her.”

 

“Are you sure?” Shepard looked up at him. “I mean... I can understand why you wouldn't. I... guess I could offer to help Liara support her, but...”

 

“No. She took advantage of you, John. Of your trust. I can't help feeling a little vindictive. The baby is yours and you should raise her.”

 

“ _We_ , Kaidan. _We_ should raise her – you and I, together. I don't want this to become an issue between us, and I damn sure don't want to do something like this without you! If we take her then she's _ours_... not mine.”

 

Kaidan sucked in a sharp breath through his nose. “Well this is sure as hell not how I imagined us becoming parents,” he sighed.

 

“Me neither. I'm really sorry, Kaidan. Are... are we good?”

 

“We're good,” he gave John a soft kiss. “Liara's the one that should be apologizing. I... we'll have to have legal papers drawn up. I won't be able to trust her to keep her word after this.”

 

John nodded. Never in a million years would he have believed his friend would do this to him. Being the Shadow Broker had obviously corrupted her more than he'd realized. He blamed himself for that. He should have insisted that she scuttle that damned ship and been done with it. He cursed again.

 

“Don't go blaming yourself for this, John,” Kaidan said, sensing where his husband's thoughts were going.

 

“Just a minute ago _you_ were blaming me!”

 

Kaidan sighed again. “Yeah... Look, I'm sorry, okay? It was just a shock, that's all.”

 

“Are you sure you're okay with this?”

 

“I'm not okay with what she did. Not even a little bit, but... I'm okay with you. _We're_ okay. And... well, to be honest, it's a little bit exciting... or it will be in a few days when the shock has worn off.”

 

“Well, I'm shocked and scared shitless, so... there you go.”

 

Kaidan actually laughed, and pulled his husband to him. Their lips met in a genuine kiss full of love and warmth. “I love you, John,” he whispered, pressing their foreheads together.

 

“I love you, too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me!! I feel the need to justify my decision here. Liara has proven by her actions (in-game) in the past that she is willing to go to extreme lengths to keep Shepard in her life. She's also shown a propensity to be unscrupulous at times in the past. I honestly didn't think this was a stretch for her character. And as she explains in ME1, physical contact is not required for asari to reproduce. It's all done through the mind meld. Sorry... will it make it better if I promise that it turns out alright?? :) 
> 
> Thanks for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos! xoxo
> 
> Much Love,   
> Elle


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John has his first nightmare in six months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I missed yesterday's update. We had a house full of people all weekend, and they didn't all leave until close to midnight last night. :) Thursday's update may be delayed as well, because I will be traveling for the next few days. I'll do my best to keep things on schedule though!

They insisted Liara stay for dinner and explain to Kaidan's parents what she'd done. Shepard wasn't about to have his in-laws thinking that he'd cheated on Kaidan in order to produce a child with the asari. The whole situation was just as embarrassing to him as it was infuriating. Still, in the back of his mind, an excitement began to grow. He and Kaidan would be parents, just like they had talked about. The baby would actually be related to him, which was more than they could hope for if they adopted. After dinner, the three of them made their way to the porch to discuss their plans for the future.

 

Kaidan and John cuddled under a blanket on the swing while Liara sat in a rocker across from them. “Why didn't you tell us before?” John asked.  
  


“I... don't know. I was scared, to tell the truth. I was dreading your reaction, which was just as horrible as I imagined it would be,” she confessed with a tiny huff of laughter.

 

“When will the baby be born?” Kaidan asked, voice still somewhat laced with anger.

 

“In another six months or so. Asari pregnancies last approximately one Earth year.”

 

“What then? How will this work?” Shepard felt a sick knot twist in his stomach. Would it be possible that they would come to accept this, come to anticipate it and look forward to it, and she would change her mind?

 

“I'm not going to change my mind if that's what you're worried about,” she said, sensing his thoughts. “You can take her as soon as she's born. Asari do not feed their babies the way human's do. I can supply you with educational materials so that you will know what to expect and be able to care for her properly.”

 

“What about you?” Shepard asked.

 

“What about me?”

 

“How is this going to affect you? Are you going to be able to go through with it? She will have been a part of you for a year by the time she's born. You can't pretend that it won't be... painful.”

 

Liara was quiet for a few moments. Leave it to Shepard to be worried about her feelings after what she'd done to him. “It's going to be difficult,” she confessed, “but the baby will bond to whomever cares for her. Asari are like humans in that respect. She won't... miss me,” Liara sighed. “That said... I would be lying if I didn't hope that we can remain friends at least and that I could be a part of her life in that way.”

 

“Liara, it... we'll just have to see how it goes,” Shepard sighed and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, fingers laced together as he stared at them in contemplation. “What happens to her when Kaidan and I die? She will still be very young by asari standards, right?”

 

Liara began crying again. “That depends on what you and Kaidan choose.”

 

“What are our options,” Kaidan asked. “I mean human life spans range from a hundred to a hundred and fifty years. That's a pretty significant difference. If we're both dead by a hundred, she'll only be in her sixties. Will she still need parental care then? I guess... what I'm asking is, just how slowly do asari mature?”

 

“A sixty year old asari would be the equivalent of a sixteen or seventeen year old human,” Liara said matter-of-factly.

 

The men both nodded. “I guess there's a lot to consider,” John said at length. “Send us the informational materials, so we can get to work. Maybe we could meet in a few days and talk again?”

 

“I would like that,” the asari said. “And... again I'm sorry. I know you are both feeling betrayed right now, and I'm sorry. I hope in time you will come to see this as a gift.”

 

**

 

That night John had his first nightmare since the war ended. He was running through the forest as it burned. The dead faces of his friends floating in front of him, accusing him, mocking him. He ran and ran to escape their taunting, but no matter how hard or fast he ran, he got nowhere and everywhere he looked was the dead face of someone he'd cared for – Ash, Jenkins, Mordin, Thane, Legion, even Raina and Greg, the boy from his childhood. Then Kaidan and Liara were standing before him, holding their baby and leering at him, and not letting him close enough to touch any of them.

 

He woke with a start, cold sweat beading on his forehead. “Hey,” Kaidan soothed. “I'm here, John.” He wrapped his arms around Shepard, pulling him close and holding him tight, but John felt like he was suffocating.

 

“I... need air,” John panted, fighting against the arms that held him. Kaidan released him immediately, and he sprang from the bed, opening the window to stick his head out sucking in great gulps of the cold night air. He felt a hand on his back and turned to see Kaidan, concern written on his face. “Just a dream,” he said.

 

“About what?”

 

“You and Liara... and the baby.” John looked out the window. Civilization wasn't what it had once been. From here there were no lights visible other than the stars in the sky and the moon. He'd never seen views like this from Earth. The stars were always masked by the lights from the cities he'd been in. It was beautiful, and he resented the fact that he couldn't enjoy it.

 

“What happened?”

 

“It doesn't matter.”

 

“John, come on. Tell me.”

 

Shepard sighed, “You took the baby away from me and went with Liara.”

 

“That will never happen, John.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Do you?”

 

Silence was his response.

 

Kaidan turned his husband to face him. “John, listen to me. I love you. I've loved you just about the from the moment I met you. Nothing is going to change that. This situation we're in is... screwed up. It shouldn't have happened. Liara should have fucking known better, but here we are, and... I want this baby. Even if it didn't come about the way we wanted it to, it's... _she's_ still going to be our... daughter. And more than anything else, I want to do this with you. This... is the only way you can have a child of your own.”

 

“What about you? Don't you want a child of your own? And what happens when that desire overwhelms your... feelings for me? It's not like I could ever give you that. And... you like women. There's nothing to stop you from-”

 

Kaidan cut him off with a kiss, deep and slow and dizzying. “John... there will never be anyone else for me. If we decide to have another baby, we could find a surrogate or something. That's essentially what Liara's doing for us. But... no desire... for anything... could ever override my love for you. Please understand that and never forget it.”

 

“Don't ever say that she's my child. She's _ours_ , Kaidan. I wouldn't even consider taking her if we weren't together. I... my first loyalty is to you. I would have been content to adopt. I never expected to have a child that was my own flesh and blood. Hell, I never even thought about having children at all until after we were engaged. It just... wasn't even on the radar. I knew I would marry a man – if I ever married – and well, biology is working well and truly against two men having a baby.”

 

Kaidan laughed. “I love you.”

 

John kissed his husband. “I love you.”

 

“Let's go back to bed. We could at least pretend that we could make a baby.”

 

Shepard rolled his eyes, “I thought cheesy seduction lines were my gig.”

 

“Thought I'd change it up a little.”

 

All other thought fled as Kaidan grabbed his ass and squeezed tightly while forcing him back toward the bed.

 

**

 

Morning found them naked and tangled around each other, and Kate Alenko knocked on their bedroom door and hollered, “There's a package here for you, John!”

 

The lovers jolted awake, squinting against the sunlight streaming in from the window. “Okay... mom... thank you. Just... leave it by the door, please!”

 

“Alright, but you two need to get decent and come down for breakfast. Kaidan's cousins are on their way, and they've already been hounding me about meeting the great Commander Shepard.”

 

“He's an admiral now,” Kaidan shouted through the door.

 

“That doesn't matter to them. Get dressed and get your asses downstairs.”

 

“Yes ma'am,” they said in unison.

 

“I didn't know your mom could be such a hard-ass!” Shepard said with a grin.

 

“That was her _mom voice_. Similar in function to your _Commander voice_. How do you think she survived the teenage years?”

 

John laughed and rolled on top of his husband, silencing any protests with his mouth. When Kaidan moaned against him, Shepard took the opportunity to enter him with his tongue. “Think she'll forgive us if we're not down there in five minutes?”

 

“Probably not, but... I don't really care if she does or not.”

 

“Such a rebel,” Shepard chuckled, lips pressed against Kaidan's pulse point. He nipped a line down his collarbone and dipped his tongue into the divot under his Adam's apple. “Mmm, I love the way you taste.” He moved lower, tongue trailing down his husband's torso in a lazy pattern that had Kaidan whimpering with need by the time he made it to his already throbbing cock. John swirled his tongue around the head, then into the slit at the top, tasting the salty drop of fluid that was already leaking out. “Especially here,” he grinned up at his husband who had propped himself on his elbows to watch the show.

 

Kaidan's head rolled back when John sank down over him, enveloping him in the scorching heat of his mouth. “Fuck... John,” he moaned.

 

“Shh... You don't want her coming back up here do you?”

 

Kaidan responded by threading his fingers in John's hair and pulling his head back down onto him. A low chuckle vibrated through John's chest, reverberating around the cock in his mouth, and Kaidan flopped back on the bed, thrusting his hips up for more. John pulled off for a moment to dig the lube out of the drawer, earning him a disgruntled noise from his husband, but Kaidan was silenced quickly when John's mouth returned, followed by a lubed finger against the tight pucker of his ass. Kaidan thrust up again when John added a second finger and stroked the bundle of nerves inside him. “Ah... fuck... hurry up! I need you inside me!”

 

Shepard released him with a pop, lips red and swollen and glistening with spit, and Kaidan moaned again at just the sight of him. “Ready?” John asked.

 

“Fuck yes!”

 

Laughing, Shepard rose over him, lining himself up. He raised an eyebrow at his husband, and Kaidan nodded impatiently. Slowly, agonizingly, Shepard sank down into him, holding him still with a hand to his hip.

 

“Damn it, John! Stop teasing me!”

 

“Am I teasing you?” The smirk on his face saying that he damn well knew he that he was. Kaidan used a biotic burst to flip them over, sinking himself down onto his husband's hardened cock and rocking his hips against the other man. John laughed, a strangled sound that got caught in his throat when Kaidan raised himself up and slammed back down. “Oh, fuck!”

 

It was Kaidan's turn to smirk as he lifted and lowered himself again and continued riding his husband harder and faster.

 

“Fucking hell,” Shepard moaned, gripping Kaidan's head and pulling him down until their foreheads were touching. The angle made it difficult for Kaidan to keep going, but John took up the slack, snapping his hips up off the bed to fill the man above him over and over. “I'm... gonna..”

 

“Come, John... let me feel you!”

 

That was all it took. Shepard grunted as he exploded into his husband's depths. Kaidan resumed a slow roll of his hips when John flopped boneless onto the bed, milking every drop of his climax from him. It only took a moment for him to collect himself enough to use his own biotics to flip them again. His softened cock slipped from his husband's body, and he slid down the bed and swallowed Kaidan's dick down his throat. Kaidan hissed and thrust forward. John didn't bother to take his time, just devoured him over and over until his mouth was flooded with Kaidan's hot seed. He released the spent cock from his mouth and collapsed onto his husband's belly.

 

There was a knock at the door again immediately, and Kate's voice filtered through, “We can hear the bed creaking downstairs! Hurry up and finish and get down here. If I come up again, I'm not going to bother knocking.”

 

“Thanks, mom,” Kaidan said, blushing. “Give us a minute to get a shower and we'll be right down.”

 

“Since you're both military, I trust you know how to take quick showers! They'll be here any minute, and you don't want me to tell them you're up here screwing in the shower!”

 

“Jesus, mom! We'll be down in a minute!”

 

Unable to contain it any longer, Shepard burst out laughing. “Sorry, mom. I'll make him behave!”

 

Kaidan fixed him with a glare. “You were the one who started this,” he hissed.

 

Shepard crawled up and spread himself out on top of his husband. “I didn't hear any complaints a few minutes ago,” he murmured, kissing along the underside of his husband's jawline.

 

“Well that was before I heard my mom say 'screwing in the shower.' I never want to hear those words in the same sentence from her again!”

 

When they stepped out into the hall after their showers, there was the package for John and a can of oil for the bed waiting for them. Shepard threw his head back and howled with laughter.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting! I appreciate all your comments so much! 
> 
> All the stuff about asari pregnancies and ages, etc, I just completely made up. If anyone knows of a source of information on these things and what is canon, I'll gladly go take a look. :) 
> 
> Find me on tumblr: ellebeedarling.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John meets Kaidan's extended family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so sappy and cheesy, and I'm not even sorry! :) 
> 
> There is a tiny mention of rape, but it's brief and not detailed. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Shepard surveyed the room with a curious expression. It was full of people, complete strangers to him, but familiar to his husband. He'd never met Kaidan's family before, and it was an experience, to say the least. As he watched and half-listened to various conversations around him, he began to have an inkling of what it must have been like for Kaidan to meet the motley conglomeration of crew from his Cerberus days. At least there were no Grunts in Kaidan's family.

 

All around him voices rang out with happy laughter. Family who hadn't seen each other much over the past year were overjoyed to be reunited at last. Children scurried around his feet, bumping into him then gazing up with startled eyes. Shepard tried to give them reassuring smiles before they careened away from him again. One girl, with brown curls jutting wildly from her head and a large gap where her two front teeth should have been, and who loudly informed him that her name was Brinley, tucked her hand into his for a brief moment, smiling a gap toothed smile. Before he knew it, the girl wrapped her arms around his leg, giving it a quick squeeze, then disappeared into the sea of bodies once more.

 

Aunts, uncles, and cousins all vied for Kaidan's attention, and Shepard was more than glad to let them have it. He may not have family of his own, but he knew how important Kaidan's family was to him. He certainly didn't begrudge him that. It was just one more reward for a job well done, a fight hard won. They'd won. They'd survived, and these people, days like this, were just some of the many fruits of their labors.

 

Despite the fact that his cheek was likely permanently stained with lipstick from all the kisses it had received, and his ass cheek was also forever marred with bruises from pinches, he was having a good time, taking it all in and cementing it into his mind. This would be one of those memories that Kaidan had talked about replacing the bad, something lovely to look back on, be happy about, be proud of. His discomfort at the overzealous affections the women bestowed was met with a smug grin and an indifferent shrug from his husband, and no matter how many pleading looks John cast his direction, Kaidan simply watched it all with amused eyes, no doubt giddy to see the great Commander Shepard floundering somewhat, out of his element.

 

Retribution came in the form of Kaidan's Aunt Karen shouting above the din, “I didn't even know you were gay, Kaidan. Didn't you used to date women?”

 

All conversation came to an abrupt halt as Kaidan's cheeks flushed red, and it was his turn to flounder for a response to the unwanted attention. John almost pouted when Kate stepped in to save her son from his embarrassment. “Kaidan's bisexual, Karen,” Kate chided. “It means he likes men and women.”

 

Shepard grinned madly, shrugging his shoulders dispassionately when Kaidan cast a glance his way. Kaidan was really quite adorable with pink cheeks and a sheepish smile after all. John struggled against the urge to snap a photo of his husband in that instant – or to march across the room and sweep the man into his arms and kiss him silly. As it was, he drifted to the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee, leaning back against the counter to continue his observation of his first real experience with family interaction. Conversation picked up again, and Kaidan laughed at a joke his cousin Annette told him. The woman sat in a chair on Kaidan's right, one arm clutching a small baby – and Shepard had no reference to gauge the child's age – one hand on Kaidan's arm as they laughed and shared secrets that only cousins can.

 

Kate passed Shepard a plate, a large cinnamon roll planted in the middle and dripping with sticky frosting. “Our family can be a little overwhelming,” she said as he set his coffee down and scooped a bit of frosting up with a finger. “I'm glad to see you taking all this in stride.” Kate pinched his cheek, the one on his face, and smiled affectionately at him.

 

John laughed, licking the frosting off his finger. “I've been to krogan parties, mom. Not much fazes me anymore.”

 

Kate laughed, a light airy sound that was highly contagious, then lit into her sister again, scolding her for embarrassing Kaidan. Shepard watched it all in awe, trying not to let his mind drift into thoughts of what could have been – if he'd have had a mother who made cinnamon rolls and teased him relentlessly, while at the same time defending him ruthlessly, or a cousin to share inside jokes with. Kaidan took the baby from his cousin as Shepard looked on, and the smile that crossed his face was one John had never seen before. His heart seized in his chest to the point of pain, and he felt a desperate need for air all of a sudden.

 

Kaidan laughed while the boy giggled and cooed, and the baby's mother leaned in to say something that John couldn't hear, but that made Kaidan laugh even more. He caught John watching him, and flashed a brilliant smile that melted Shepard's heart further – as if John needed more reason to love this man – then turned his attention back to the baby in his arms.

 

All during breakfast Kaidan's family grilled Shepard about the war and his role in it. It always made him feel uncomfortable – that amazed way that people regarded him, the celebrity status that he'd gained from simply doing his job. He was a soldier and had done what any soldier would have, and he refused to listen to any objections to that fact. The family became annoyed with Kaidan whenever he tried to supply any answers to their questioning, and Shepard found himself feeling defensive of his husband. Gripping Kaidan's hand with his own, Shepard said, “Kaidan was there with me for most of the war. He could probably answer your questions better than I can. He's the one that focuses on the details. I tend to be singular minded when I have an objective to complete.”

 

Kaidan huffed a laugh beside him and rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “You're telling me,” he muttered. “What if we stop talking about the war altogether? Those memories are... painful for John and I.”

 

Shepard smiled wanly, and when their eyes connected, he felt closer to his husband than ever before. Their relationship had been forged in fire, and they shared a bond that could not be broken. The way Kaidan always had his back, on the field and off, proved it to Shepard again and again.

 

“Tell them about the baby,” Kate suggested, drawing the couple's focus off each other and back to the family who were all now staring at them with expectant and hopeful expressions.

 

The widening of Kaidan's eyes told John that his husband was just as uncomfortable with this new topic change as he was, and they both swallowed hard before directing attention to the unfinished plates sitting in front of them. “I... don't think we were ready to make that public yet, mom,” Kaidan said quietly, but the damage had been done. Voices raised around the table with congratulations and exultations of joy.

 

“So?” Brad, Annette's husband, asked curiously.

 

Shepard squeezed Kaidan's hand. They hadn't considered how to tell people what had happened; they were still wrapping their own minds around it. It embarrassed him, realizing what Kaidan's family would likely think if the actual truth were known, but in the end he cleared his throat and announced that a friend had offered to be a surrogate for them. His tone – that commanding voice he'd talked the quarians out of genocide with – offered no room for questioning. “The baby's a girl,” Shepard informed them. “Due in six months.” And though they hardly knew him, Kaidan's family sensed that the subject was closed.

 

After the meal was cleared away, Shepard resumed his spot against the kitchen counter, ready to watch and learn some more. In truth, he was fascinated by the way these people interacted with one another. Their bond was formed in blood, not struggle, but the feeling was the same one he felt for his crew, his friends – his makeshift family. His own crew of misfits and miscreants had become his surrogate family, accepting him and loving him where no one ever had before. And despite the hardship of the years, he knew he would never trade the time he'd spent fighting alongside them. And he'd damn well do it all again if he had to, just for one more day like this.

 

A group of children playing Ring Around the Rosy caught his attention, and he smiled at the thought of their daughter doing the same in a few years – she'd be one of them after all. She'd have a family with cousins and aunts and grandparents, and she'd be loved more than any child in the history of the universe, in fact, she already was. Despite the way it had all come about, he wanted this baby – to raise her with Kaidan, to give her all the things he'd been denied by his childhood, to hold her while she cried in the night, to kiss away her scraped knees and tell her bedtime stories, to care for her when she was sick. If John had his way, the girl would never want for anything or suffer a day in her life, and he'd fight through hell and back again to make sure that she didn't. Moisture began to sting his eyes, and his heart burned in his chest. Truth be told, the only thing he'd ever wanted more in life than the baby Liara was giving them, was Kaidan.

 

“Commander,” a woman's voice drew his attention away from the children, and he turned to see Kaidan's cousin, Annette, standing beside him with her small, blue bundle in her arms.

 

“It's just John,” he said with a smile, and Annette chuckled nervously.

 

She licked her lips and held the baby out toward him. “Do you want to hold him?”

 

“Oh... I...”

 

“I doubt you've had much practice,” she went on, ignoring his sudden discomfort and driving home her point just like Kaidan would do. “If you're going to have a baby, then you're going to need it.”

 

Shepard nodded, not trusting his voice to speak. He'd never held a baby in his life, which seemed both a shame and ridiculous at the same time. How could a man get to be thirty four years old and have never held a baby? He took the squirming bundle, holding him awkwardly until Annette helped him slide the baby into the cook of his elbow. “Put your hand on his bum,” she instructed. “Babies like that.” Shepard rushed to comply, feeling insanely proud of himself with the baby stopped his fidgeting and smiled up at him.

 

“What's his name?”

 

“Philip.”

 

John smiled again, distantly aware that every eye in the room was on him at the moment. He'd faced worse though, so he concentrated on the baby in his arms, laughing softly when Philip gripped his finger and started gnawing on the end of it. He didn't have to look to know that Kaidan stood beside him. His husband's reassuring warmth pressed along his body, calming his nerves. “Hi, Philip,” Kaidan started, tickling the boy's drool covered chin and making all of them laugh. He babbled on nonsensically for a few minutes then peeked up at John. “You have to talk to them in a silly voice. Give it a try.”

 

“Uh... maybe next time,” Shepard said, not at all comfortable with the idea, especially not in front of such a crowd of witnesses. Kaidan shrugged and continued _conversing_ with Philip while one hand found its way to John's neck, thumb stroking lightly along his hairline. Shepard couldn't resist leaning into the touch slightly, neither could he help imagining his husband doing the same for their daughter in just a few short months.

 

The squirming returned followed by disgruntled noises from the infant, and Shepard looked to the baby's mother in a panic, unable to figure out where he'd gone wrong. “He's just getting hungry,” Annette said with a grin.

 

“Oh. Sorry kid. I'm not equipped to deal with that,” Shepard said, offering the child up to his mother, but Annette pushed his arm back.

 

“Actually, he takes a bottle. Do you want to try?”

 

It seemed like a lot of firsts for one day, but he sensed that Annette, much like her cousin, wouldn't take no for an answer. Reluctantly, he agreed, settling himself into an arm chair in the living room and trying to ignore the way all the family were watching him intently. Annette brought him a bottle and a small cloth, which he took. “It's for the mess,” she informed him when he gave the item a questioning look.

 

“Mess?”

 

“Sometimes babies spit up when they're burped.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Shepard listened carefully to each instruction, juggling the baby, the bottle, and the burp cloth, convinced that he would drop the baby more than once before they finally got situated. Once Philip was in place, his wails becoming more insistent, John offered the bottle, pressing it to the baby's mouth and promptly squirting milk all over his face. With a frustrated eye roll, he grabbed the cloth from his shoulder and cleaned Philip's face, wanting to just hand him back to his mom and go hide somewhere for awhile. Instead, he took a deep breath, set the cloth to his shoulder again, and looked to Annette for further assistance. She showed him how to rub the nipple against Philip's lips until he opened his mouth, and once he got started, Shepard grinned in triumph as the baby attacked the device hungrily.

 

Perhaps he could get the hang of this baby feeding thing after all.

 

Burping Philip became another ordeal as he struggled to keep the baby's head from flopping back and actually get the child onto his shoulder. All he needed was to kill this baby while all of Kaidan's family were watching him like a hawk. After one pat, Philip rewarded him with a deep smelly belch and promptly threw up down his back. Shepard laughed and waved away her concern as Annette apologized profusely. “Wow, kid,” he said, “that would put your Uncle James to shame.”

 

Feeling more confident, he finished feeding Philip, carefully passing him back to his mother after the child dozed off in his arms. John met Kaidan's gaze – a warm affectionate thing that made him squirm – and abruptly announced, “I should go,” before darting up the stairs to change his shirt.

 

**

 

The men adjourned to the porch while the women stayed inside and did whatever it was women did at such gatherings. Shepard was absolutely clueless since he'd had no mother or aunts to gather together. He'd never even had a girlfriend – nor had he wanted one. Women were still a complete enigma to him.

 

The discussion inevitably turned toward the war, and Shepard didn't want the good day ruined by unpleasant memories. Kaidan, as always, sensed his distress and took him by the hand, announcing that they were going to go for a walk through the orchard. John didn't want to let on how relieved he was, but he leaned into his husband just the same.

 

“You're going to be an amazing dad,” Kaidan murmured, lips pressed against John's temple, then he slipped his arm around his husband's waist.

 

“So are you,” John told him, turning his face to receive a soft kiss. They continued to walk, arms around each other, and Shepard inhaled deep lungfuls of the crisp autumn air. As much as Kaidan's family had overwhelmed him, he liked them – liked that he was now a part of it. “So, is that the typical initiation, or is there more hazing I have to endure before I'm officially one of you?”

 

Kaidan chuckled, gave his husband's hip a squeeze, “That's it. You're one of us now.”

 

“That's a relief.”

 

Stopping, Kaidan turned John to face him, kissing him lightly on the lips. “They love you, John. Just like I knew they would.”

 

“I'm glad, though yours is the only opinion I really care about.”

 

“Well, I love you, too.”

 

A wide smile spread across John's face, and he leaned in for another kiss, this one lingering, before the two of them continued their trek through the orchard. The branches of the trees were bowed with the weight of apples. Snow capped mountains could be seen in the distance, along with the brilliant color display of the surrounding trees in all their autumnal splendor, and Shepard could easily admit that this was better – or at least just as good – as floating lazily in a lake on an uncharted planet. Kaidan was by his side, the world was dwelling in relative peace and safety, and currently, they didn't have a single care. In a month, when their leave was over, things would be different, but for now, he could bask in the serenity of familial love and nature's beauty.

 

Looking around, he tried to imagine Kaidan and himself settling down here in the country, farming and raising their asari daughter. Though he could picture it – reveling in her first words and steps, rejoicing the first time she called either of them dad – somehow the image didn't quite fit. For all their talk of retirement after the war, he still saw them playing a role in the post-war rebuilding efforts, though he knew beyond doubt that he was ready to lay his pistol and armor down – probably for life. With all they'd gone through, fighting no longer held any appeal.

 

“I've been thinking,” Kaidan interrupted his reverie, and John turned to regard his husband. Kaidan had always been beautiful to him – his clear, brown eyes, the flecks of silver at his temples, those three freckles above his right eyebrow – but now he was even more so. The lines of worry that had marred his face during the war had evened out, making him look younger, despite the silver in his hair. John reached a hand up to feather his fingers through that patch of gray speckled hair, grinning when Kaidan stopped and closed his eyes to bask in it. They stayed there a minute, John leaning in to brush his lips along the trail his fingers had marked, breath warm against Kaidan's chilled cheek.

 

“I love you,” Shepard murmured, and Kaidan smiled deeper, creasing the crows feet around his eyes, lines that John couldn't resist pressing his lips to.

 

“I think we should play it off like you said,” he continued as they resumed their walking, stumbling slightly because they insisted on being pressed so tightly together. “Liara offered to be a surrogate for us. That way we don't have to field uncomfortable questions, and it sounds a damn sight better than she raped your mind and impregnated herself.”

 

Shepard stopped dead in his tracks, breath coming out in a wheezing cough, and when Kaidan faced him, concern was written all over his face. “It's just... a blunt way to put it,” John finally managed.

 

“Unfortunately, it's true,” Kaidan sighed. John felt his stomach plummet, all the old feelings of hurt and fear that he'd felt as a child while Big Tommy and his friends had their way resurfacing in an instant. It didn't matter that he felt he'd squared his past away at last, made peace with it, the pain would likely linger until his dying day. Liara may not have known all the sordid details, but she'd still willingly violated him, breached his trust. Thinking of the baby she was going to give them made John want to forgive her, but that would take time, he knew.

 

Kaidan's hand ran up his chest, fingers settling against his jaw, and John saw the pain and worry in the man's eyes when he focused on them at last. “I'm sorry,” Kaidan whispered.

 

He shook the feeling away, trying and failing to offer Kaidan a reassuring smile. “I'm okay... I'll be okay.”

 

“If we put it that way,” Kaidan went on, wanting to get out the rest of what he had to say and get back that peaceful, relaxed feeling they'd both been enjoying before John's thoughts took him too deep into his tormented past for the day to be salvaged, “it will certainly cast her actions in a better light.”

 

“Are you gunning to be a politician? You're getting crafty in your old age, Alenko,” Shepard teased, forcing the negative thoughts away, knowing this was a conversation that needed to be had.

 

“Just taking a cue from the galaxy's most famous diplomat,” Kaidan grinned back.

 

“More like infamous,” John returned, then dipped low to capture his husband's mouth. Their arms wound around each other as their lips worked in tandem. Velvet touches that left them wanting more and more. At times, John felt he could never get enough of Kaidan. They could never be close enough no matter how deeply they were joined. Those thoughts led him upstairs to their bedroom where are can of oil was waiting to quiet their creaking bed, and he smiled against his husband's lips briefly before Kaidan's tongue skimmed his lower lip.

 

They were lost in each other, the sensual slide of lips giving way to a sense of urgency. The sound of pealing laughter and tromping feet pulled them grudgingly apart, and they looked up to see a wild pack of children running toward them, swinging baskets for picking apples, adults following in their wake much more slowly.

 

Brinley, the little girl who'd hugged his leg that morning, crashed right into John, and he laughed as he scooped her up in his arms, perching her upon his shoulders. At six feet four inches, Shepard had no problems reaching the apples in the trees, but this way, Brinley could do her own picking without having to climb the tree or a ladder. He held the basket while the girl excitedly plucked the fruit from the trees and passed it to him. Working together this way, they quickly filled their basket, and turned it into a game to see if they could pick more apples than everyone else.

 

Still not completely recovered, Shepard tired more easily than ever before, and when Brinley bored of their game, he set her down to go play, sneaking off to catch a nap before lunch. Kaidan found him some time later, sprawled on the bed, face buried in his pillow. He tried to creep forward silently, but as soon as he reached the edge of the bed, John flipped over, and his hand shot out, grabbing Kaidan's waistband and pulling him onto the bed with an undignified, “oof.”

 

“I oiled the bed,” Shepard said drowsily. “Even gave it a few test bounces. Think it's ready for us to put it through its paces?”

 

Kaidan laughed and couldn't resist kissing his husband. “I think it would be better if we waited till tonight to try and make the bed squeak.” Blue eyes, bright with mirth, gazed up at him as Shepard's fingers threaded through his hair. Kaidan just had to kiss his husband's plump lips once more. “What are you reading?” he asked, gesturing at the datapads scattered around the bed.

 

John yawned and rubbed his eyes with a fist before picking one up and passing it to his husband. “It's the stuff from Liara. About the baby. It was in the package outside the door this morning.”

 

A pink flush crept up Kaidan's throat, and John chuckled, kissing him on the cheek. He flicked the datapad on, and Shepard snuggled closer to him, resting his head on Kaidan's shoulder. “There's a lot of information here,” Kaidan said thoughtfully.

 

“And close to a dozen more datapads,” Shepard sighed. “My brain was fried after the first five pages.”

 

“We'll figure it out,” Kaidan assured him.

 

“I guess my escapade with Philip this morning showed just how little I know about raising children, and it seems that asari babies are almost nothing like human ones.”

 

“We have time, John. Liara can help us.”

 

Fingers rasped against the stubble of Kaidan's chin, and he turned his head to look at John. “Are you sure about this?”

 

“I haven't been able to stop thinking about it,” Kaidan admitted.

 

“Me either.”

 

“It's pretty exciting, huh?”

 

“Yeah,” Shepard agreed.

 

“And seeing you with Philip this morning,” Kaidan smiled and laughed, “well, it just makes me want it all the more.”

 

“I want it, too,” Shepard confessed, pressing his lips to his husband's jaw. “Very much.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comment, kudos, etc. They always brighten my day! :)
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which some things never change for John Shepard.

Shepard stumbled down the stairs, rubbing the post nap sleep out of his eyes with a fist. The house was still full of guests, and John became aware that all eyes were on him as he made his way toward the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Kaidan made sure there was always some available, knowing that his husband survived on the stuff. Voices hushed as John walked past, and it was more than a little obvious that most everyone was talking about him. He'd always hated the attention his status had afforded him. Now he was having to deal with that from Kaidan's family. He started wishing that he and Kaidan had just stayed upstairs.

 

“You okay?” Kaidan asked, sidling up to him.

 

Shepard scratched at his cheek, remembering uncomfortably the kisses he'd received from every woman in the room that morning. “Yeah... just... it's going to be like this wherever we go for awhile isn't it? The looks, the whispering in the corner, the... kisses.”

 

Kaidan laughed. “Yes, I suppose you better get used to being kissed. You're officially the most famous person in the galaxy... and the hottest, if I do say so myself. Everybody's going to want a piece of you.”

 

“There aren't enough pieces of me to go around,” Shepard said dryly. “Besides, I'm saving all my pieces for you.”

 

His husband pulled him down for a kiss. “Glad to hear that.”

 

It seemed they couldn't get away from talking about the war, so during lunch, Shepard resigned himself to telling at least a little of their adventures, trying to focus on the good more than the bad. Midway through a retelling of the krogan post-genophage celebrations, he heard a noise coming from outside that had him pausing mid sentence – the unmistakable sound of feet moving through the grass and trees while trying not to be heard. A quick glance at Kaidan told him he'd heard it too. There was an unspoken communique between them, and Shepard stood to make his way toward the door.

 

“What's wrong, John?” Tom asked.

 

A finger at his lips signaled silence from everyone. “Get down,” Shepard whispered harshly, and everyone in the room instantly obeyed, ducking under the table and stretching out on the floor. John made a hand signal at Kaidan who darted up the stairs, taking them three at a time. Creeping to the door, Shepard kept his back flat against the wall, and opened it. A bullet ricocheted off the frame of the door. “Fuck!” he spat. “Alenko, enemies inbound!”

 

Kaidan came down an instant later already dressed in his under armor, two huge duffels in his hands. Shepard started stripping down to his skivvies so that he could easily dress in his armor, dimly aware of the eyes of Kaidan's family on him. “Sorry,” he said over his shoulder.

 

“That's okay, honey! We're enjoying the show,” Aunt Karen hollered.

 

John flushed, but didn't have time to think much about it. The duffel landed at his feet, and he started pulling his under armor on. He hadn't touched the stuff in six months other than to pack it in this bag, but he and Kaidan had seen too many battles not to carry armor with them everywhere they went. He'd learned his lesson about going out without it at the sushi bar. The seals hissed and clicked as he snapped them into place, mind racing automatically through all the checks he needed to perform. He shook his arms and legs to adjust to the feeling as the armor pressurized around him, then glanced at Kaidan, who was already pulling his helmet on, and reached into the bag for his weapons. Just this morning he was recalling how he never wanted to hold a gun again, but these were his people, his family, and he had to get them out safely. There was no room for failure. There never was.

 

Shepard gave his Lancer the once over, thankful that he'd decided to pack this instead of the Mattock. The Lancer was like the old-style weapons from _Before_ and had a built-in heat diffusion system, eliminating the need for thermal clips. His pistol was next, and after a quick check, he mounted it on his hip and filled his belt with spare clips. A flick of his wrist had his shields zipping up to full strength, and after a quick test of his biotic amp that washed his body in blue light, he was satisfied.

 

Kaidan nodded when John looked up, the silent question, a _re you ready_ , heard loud and clear. They'd done this so many times they didn't need words. Another hand signal had Kaidan sweeping the perimeter of the house to assess the situation. Shepard tapped a command on his omni-tool, opening the channel to his squad. “EDI, this is Shepard. Are you reading me?”

 

There was a moment's hesitation before the response came, “Yes Shepard.” Was it his imagination, or did the AI sound annoyed?

 

“Hope I'm not interrupting anything,” he said cautiously.

 

“You are,” Joker huffed.

 

“Sorry about that. Listen, we're here at Kaidan's family's place and we've got enemies closing on our location.”

 

“You just don't know how to have a vacation do you?” Joker snarked.

 

“Not really.”

 

“I count at least forty,” Kaidan reported. “All around the house. Cerberus.”

 

“Fuck!” John spat again. “I thought we took care of those bastards! Listen Joker, we're gonna need some help here. We're sheltering two dozen non-combatants – mostly women and children.”

 

“Shit!” The pilot breathed.

 

“I have Garrus and Tali'Zorah on the line,” EDI chimed.

 

“Shepard,” Garrus drawled, his dual toned voice flanging. “You just don't know how to take a vacation do you?”

 

“Real original, Garrus,” Shepard snapped. “Joker's already made that point. Please just tell me you're on your way? And see if you can find Grunt and Wrex.”

 

“Hey, Commander Asshole!”

 

“Jack, it's Admiral Asshole now. What the hell are you doing?”

 

“Heard you couldn't even take a vacation without getting shot at. Thought you fuckers could use my help.”

 

“Looks like it's gonna be a big fucking family reunion,” Shepard quipped. He signaled for Kaidan to take his post by the back door.

 

“Phantom,” Kaidan shouted.

 

“Got one, too,” John grunted, stepping out of cover to lay down a round of suppressing fire with the Lancer. “She's getting too fucking close!” He let a Warp fly and saw the assassin's cloak flicker out as she staggered back, while he switched to his pistol. A Shockwave knocked her on her ass, and he managed to put two slugs in her head before she could get back up. “One down,” he shouted grimly. This was not at all how he wanted to spend his vacation.

 

Given how weak he still was at times and how easily he tired out, he hoped the squad would hurry. They may have to carry him this time. Brinley's quiet whimper behind him made his heart ache, and he took a moment to turn to see the girl hovering under the table with Kate, lip trembling and fat tears streaming down her pudgy cheeks. “It's alright,” he assured her. “We're going to take care of you.” Shepard smiled at her, and Brinley offered him a weak one in return.

 

The sizzle of dying shields, followed by a cry of pain, drew John's attention back to the encroaching enemies. “Got mine,” Kaidan reported. “I see snipers in the distance.”

 

“What the hell are they doing here?” John asked no one in particular.

 

“Sounds like they're trying to kill you, Shepard,” Tali supplied helpfully. “What else is new?”

 

“Holy hell, Loco! I thought you and L2 would be holed up naked somewhere right about now!”

 

Shepard sighed and turned bright red as he realized he still had the squad's comm on a open connection through his omni-tool, rather than coming in through his private headset. “Vega, Kaidan's whole family is listening to the comms right now.”

 

“Sorry, Admiral.”

 

“Guardians incoming,” Kaidan said stiffly, and John dashed across the room to rip their shields away with a biotic Pull so his husband could dispatch them with his rifle.

 

By the time he made it back to the front of the house, there were two guardians approaching the porch stairs. “A little help?” Kaidan was there in an instant, and they repeated the process on this pair of attackers.

 

“They're not being too original with their attacks,” Kaidan mused.

 

“Don't give them any fucking ideas, Alenko!”

 

“Aye, sir!”

 

“Shepard, does he call you _sir_ in bed?” Jack asked, manic glee coating her words.

 

“I'm going to pretend like I didn't hear that,” Shepard said, leaning out the door to fire off a few shots at the troopers approaching the house, then switching the comm to ear piece only. God only knew what else they squad were going to say. Kaidan's echoing shots sounded from the other side of the house, and Shepard peered around the door frame again to assess. “Does that fucker have... a whip?”

 

“Now it's a party,” Jack shouted. “I didn't know you and Major Great Ass were into that kinky shit, Shepard!”

 

“Who the hell fights with a whip?” Kaidan asked. “And it's _General_ Great Ass, Jack.”

 

Shepard barked a laugh and fired several rounds from the Lancer into the dragoon, but the shots just glanced off its shields. “Need you to overload these shields.” Kaidan raced across the room and tapped at his omni-tool. The dragoon cried out when his shields exploded, but he just kept marching forward, the whip in his hand looking more like a bolt of lightening. Shepard unleashed a Flare that sent the attacker sailing backward, but the dragoon just leapt to his feet and continued marching forward. “Holy hell! That bastard's not going down without a fight.” He darted out the door, racing toward the dragoon.

 

“Damn it, John!”

 

“Admiral, we're inbound,” Steve Cortez said over the comm. “I've got Garrus, Tali, James, Wrex, Grunt, Liara, and Javik. ETA fifteen minutes.”   
  


“Liara, you're to stay with the non-combatants and help them get to the shuttle,” Shepard said stiffly.

 

“But, Shepard-”

 

“That's a fucking order, T'soni!” he thundered.

 

“Yes, Admiral!”

 

John launched himself at the dragoon, kicking the thing in the teeth and sending it backward into a flip. It landed on it's feet and came for him again. He unloaded the clip from his pistol into it, and still it marched on. “Son of a bitch!” he shouted. “Ideas, Alenko?”

 

“I've got some frags. Get clear.”

 

Shepard dove for cover as the grenade sailed over his head, dirt and rocks flying outward on impact. It was finally enough to knock the dragoon on his back, and John leaped forward, stabbing his omni-blade into the thing's heart with a twist of his wrist. The dragoon fell back gurgling. “That did it,” he panted.

 

“Got another one back here,” Kaidan barked.

 

“Damn it! On my way!” Heavy weapons fire in the distance had him freezing in his tracks.

 

“AA guns,” Cortez shouted.

 

“Fucking AA guns? What the fuck is happening?” Shepard continued through the house to the back door, waiting for Kaidan to take down the other dragoon's shields before launching himself at the thing. “Take those guns out and get your asses down here,” he bellowed. “We're in deep!”

 

“Aye, Sir!”

 

“Let us out,” Wrex growled. “Grunt and I can take care of the guns and rendezvous with the rest of the squad at the compound. Shepard, just make sure you save some for me!”

 

“Roger that, Wrex, and if you could move your ass I'd appreciate it!”

 

“Krogan are inbound,” Steve announced.

 

“Is there somewhere we can hide these people, Kaidan?” Shepard asked after the dragoon was dead and there seemed to be a lull in the attack.

 

“There's the cellar, but it's full of shit. I don't know how many we could pack in there.”

 

“Tom,” Shepard said, turning to his father-in-law. “Get the women and children into the cellar. Anyone here have weapons training of any kind?” All the men raised their hands. Most of them had learned to shoot during the war. “Right,” he said. “Any weapons to speak of?”

 

“I've got a few rifles and a shotgun,” Tom said. “Not enough to equip everyone, and not enough thermal clips to go around.”

 

“Shit! Okay, give me the two best shots,” he said. “Everyone else stay down. When the shuttle gets here get the women and children onto it, and Steve will get them to safety. Then he'll come back for the rest of us.” Kaidan's cousin, Jeremy, and Annette's husband, Brad, stepped forward, taking the weapons that Kaidan offered them. “I want you at opposite ends of the house. Shoot at any fucking thing that moves. My squad will have heavy shielding, so they can take a few hits. Once the squad arrives, I want you to fall back to safety. Stay in cover and just keep anyone from making it close to the house. No fucking heroics, Understood?”

 

Both men nodded, and Shepard dismissed them with the wave of his hand. He and Kaidan resumed their positions and the front and back of the house, and the next several minutes were spent in silence except for the rhythmic staccato of rifle fire. Almost synchronized explosions to the north and south informed them that the AA guns had been taken care of. Cortez's voice on the comm confirmed it a moment later. “Approaching LZ.”

 

“Admiral, Traynor here. I've intercepted some messages from Cerberus. I may have a lock on the new leader.”

 

“Send the coordinates, and we'll go take care of it after this.”

 

“Shepard, Miranda. I've got it covered. I'm with Jacob, Zaeed, Samara, and Kasumi. We're on approach to the underground bunker now.”

 

“Good. Traynor, inform Hackett of the situation.”

 

“Aye, sir!”

 

Shepard could hear the squad approaching the house. The dying screams of Cerberus troops giving away their location. “Shepard,” Hackett's dry voice sounded, “What part of the word _vacation_ are you having difficulty with?”

 

“Sorry, Sir, I tried.”

 

“Alright, Alliance shuttles are inbound to evacuate non-combatants. I'm sending Lawson and Taylor some back up as well.”

 

“Thank you, Sir!”

 

“Wrap it up down there and get back to your vacation. Hackett out!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos! <3
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which old memories are shared, and new ones are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Potentially one of the silliest things I've ever written. I'll let you be the judge, though. lol

“You sure as hell know how to show a guy a good time, Alenko.” Shepard grimaced as he watched a head explode through his scope.

 

“This is _not_ my idea of a good time,” Kaidan said dryly.

 

“Something else on your mind, General?” he asked, a hint of teasing present in his low tone.

 

“Almost always,” the General muttered. “Nine o'clock, Shepard!”

 

John whirled around and left a hole between the eyes of the approaching trooper. “You guys find all the fun,” Wrex boomed as he rushed headlong into a nemesis who had her laser sight focused on Shepard's chest.

 

“We're a party everywhere we go,” John agreed. Grunt's blood curdling yell sounded through the air, followed shortly by the sickening crunch of bone. “I think that was the last one,” Shepard panted. “Fan out and make sure they're all gone. I've got to go sit my sorry ass down for a minute.” He was gasping for breath by the time he made it to the porch and threw himself down. Trembling fingers tried unsuccessfully to work the catches of his chest plate, and Kaidan sat beside him to undo the clasps for him. “Thanks.”

 

“Need anything?”

 

“Protein... maybe some new lungs?”

 

“Fresh out of new lungs, I'm afraid. Besides, you're already over your quota.”

 

John huffed as he turned up the protein shake that Kaidan had fished out of a pouch on his hip. He drained the chalky liquid with one gulp. “Fuck... I'm too fucking old for shit like this.”

 

Kaidan cupped his face, thumb tracing the high cheekbone. “You and me both.”

 

“Pft... You're still as hot as ever out there. I love seeing you in action.” He grabbed Kaidan by the collar and pulled him in for a heated kiss that did nothing for his breathlessness.

 

“Ditto.”

 

The shuttle landed and the group of warriors scrambled aboard after locking the house up. Steve had already evacuated the civilians back to Alliance HQ. They hadn't heard from Miranda's team in over an hour. Shepard and Kaidan downed ration bars and protein shakes all the way back to HQ trying to regain their strength. Hackett greeted them at the landing pad. The old man opened his mouth to speak, but closed it with a snap and just laughed. “Come on,” he barked.

 

Shepard smirked and followed him into the building. Kaidan's family were all crowded into the debriefing room, and Kate ran up and threw her arms around Kaidan's neck, then John's. “We're fine, mom,” Kaidan assured her.

 

“I'm just so glad you boys were there. What if they had attacked while you were out?”

 

“I don't think they would have. They're after me,” John said, scratching his chin. He felt a pair of tiny arms latch onto his leg, and looked down to find Brinley hugging him fiercely, tears running down her cheeks again. Shepard picked the child up and let her tuck her face against his neck as she wept. “Hey, it's okay,” he said softly. “We're okay.” He glanced around the room looking for the girl's parents, but it was Kate's sister Karen who stepped up to take the girl from John's arms.

 

“We found her,” Karen whispered. “Poor thing was wandering around in the orchard several months ago, looking for food no doubt. No idea what happened to her parents. She's hardly said anything since we found her, just her name and whether or not she wants to do this or that. You're the first adult she's ever shown any interest in.”

 

Brinley's arms wound tighter around his neck when Karen tried to take her. “It's alright,” he said, voice tight. “I'll hold her.” Looking to Kaidan for guidance, he found his husband smiling fondly at him. This could be a problem.

 

“So,” Kaidan said, drawing attention back to the issue at hand. “Cerberus.”

 

Shepard sighed, fingers combing through Brinley's unruly hair as she snuffled against his neck. “Don't know what the fuck I'm going to have to do to stop them from coming after me. As many Cerberus troops as we've killed, it's a wonder there are any left.”

 

“Surely they're not still recruiting,” Kaidan said, worried.

 

“Any word from Lawson's team?” Shepard asked Hackett.

 

“Not in a while. We need to get our hands on some new intel. We weren't even aware that Cerberus remained a threat.”

 

“I want Alliance teams to comb the orchard property,” Shepard said. “Dad, what about the house here in Vancouver?”

 

“Gone,” Tom Alenko informed him.

 

Shepard cursed under his breath. “Okay, EDI, we need a dozen hotel rooms for tonight. No one's going back out there until I'm sure that the threat has been neutralized. I want a whole floor to ourselves, and a security sweep before we go up. Station a pair of guards at every exit.”

 

“Of course, Shepard,” the AI chimed.

 

“Do you really think all that's necessary,” Kaidan asked.

 

“You don't?”

 

“Yeah... I suppose you're right.”

 

“We'll get it sorted,” John said, pressing his lips to Kaidan's forehead, and wrapping his free arm around the man. Kaidan relaxed into the embrace, he and Brinley watching each other for a moment. She had brown eyes, much like his own. The girl smiled at him, reaching out to stroke his cheek, and Kaidan gripped her small hand with his own.

 

Shepard's heart was doing all sorts of weird things in his chest as he watched the exchange. Clearing his throat, he released Kaidan, though all he wanted was to continue holding him close. Walking over to a corner of the room, he set Brinley down and knelt in front of her. “Kaidan and I have to go out again, but we'll be back soon, okay?”

 

Tears welled in the girl's eyes, breaking John's heart. “Don't worry,” he said, a little pleading. “We'll be okay. I promise.” Brinley nodded, but threw her arms around his neck again. “I promise,” he whispered.

 

“I'll be good,” Brinley whispered back to him. “Just don't leave me alone again.”

 

“Hey, your parents didn't leave because you weren't good, Brinley,” he said, pulling back so she could see his face. “Sometimes...” he swallowed thickly, remembering what Raina had said to him when he'd asked why his parents had left him – s _ometimes parents love their children so much that they give them to someone else to raise because they think that's what is best._ With all that was within him, John hoped that wasn't the case here.

 

“I hid,” she said, before John could find the words to continue. “They told me to stay, but I... was scared, and I didn't obey. Now they're gone.”

 

“Oh, god, Brinley, that's not your fault.” Shepard pulled her close again, squeezing her as tightly as he dared for fear of crushing her. “It's not your fault,” he repeated as her tears wet his cheek. “I promise that Kaidan and I will be back in just a few hours, okay. We won't leave you alone. Can you stay with Kaidan's mom while we're gone?”

 

She nodded again, straightening and wiping her nose with her shirt sleeve. Shepard chuckled at her dirty little face. “You need a bath, kid,” he said, grin widening when Brinley flashed her toothless smile at him.

 

“You, too,” she said, rubbing a little finger against some dirt on his cheek.

 

“Guess we're just two peas in a pod then, huh?” he asked, poking her in the belly and causing her to giggle. “You gonna be okay?”

 

Brinley nodded and took his hand when he stood. The look he flashed at Kaidan said he had no idea what he was doing, but Kaidan merely chuckled at him, a hopeful light in his eyes that John didn't know what to do with either. After giving his finger a squeeze, Brinley went to stand with Kate, eyes never leaving Shepard.

 

It was all business after that. John turned to Kaidan's family. “You'll be safe in this room until the hotel is ready,” he informed them. “Do not leave this room until I get back – under any circumstance! Alright... Traynor, I need the location of Miranda's squad.”

 

“One moment, Admiral.”

 

“John, you're not seriously considering going after her? You're barely standing.”

 

“I'm fine, Kaidan, and we need to put the nail in this fucking coffin. I'm sick of dealing with these bastards!”

 

**

 

Six hours later, Shepard was happily buzzed, sitting in his hotel suite with all of his squad, and most of Kaidan's family gathered around. The squad had eliminated the Cerberus presence in Vancouver. In fact, they were nearly done by the time Shepard's team got to them. He wasn't convinced that it was over for good, but it was for the moment at least.

 

Brinley had been waiting by the door for them to return, throwing herself into John's arms the moment he stepped into the room. After dinner and barely convincing her that he was the wrong person to give her a bath, he'd had to tell her a bedtime story before she would agree to go to bed.

 

Kate and Aunt Karen had taken her and the rest of the children to bed so the adults could enjoy themselves. Hackett had sent over a few cases of booze and beer, and the rowdy – and getting rowdier – group had happily imbibed. Since they had left all their clothes at the orchard, he was still in the bottom half of his armor, the top half having been shed, and the top half of his under armor was open, exposing a bare expanse of skin. Kaidan was drunk enough that he was having a hard time keeping his hands off said expanse of bare skin as the two of them sat on the couch, impossibly close together.

 

“Now that's some goddamned balls,” Vega was shouting, relaying the story of how they'd cured the genophage.

 

“Should have seen the party afterward,” Wrex bellowed. “Never known a human that could drink ryncol before, but Shepard managed to keep up with me shot for shot. Ha! I knew you had to be part krogan!”

 

Shepard raised his beer bottle in mock toast to his friend. “I'm an honorary one now, at least.”

 

“He was so drunk he was having a hard time fighting off that female that was chasing him around like a varren pup,” Garrus informed them. “And for those of you who don't know him, the only damn thing in this galaxy that Shepard is afraid of is a horny woman! Come to think of it, didn't the same thing happen when we were there last year for Grunt's rite of passage?”

 

John blushed but laughed along with everyone else. “General, he tell you about the time he headbutted a krogan warlord,” Grunt, asked.

 

“No he didn't!” Kaidan fixed his husband with a mock glare of disapproval.

 

“I had to make the Shaman see that I was serious,” Shepard shrugged as if that was a perfectly normal explanation.

 

“I've got video,” Grunt said, pulling up his omni-tool and linking it to the vid screen on the wall. All eyes were glued to it as Shepard came into focus. Kaidan could see, even through the video, that he was nearing the end of his patience with the raging krogan in front of him. Without warning, Shepard reared his head back and slammed it into the face of the warlord. _“Shut the fuck up!”_ the video Shepard said. _“You want us to kill something to prove he's a krogan? Fine! Just point the fucking way!”_

 

“Jesus, John,” Kaidan whispered. “That was sexy as hell!” Shepard just laughed, kissing his husband quickly. “So what happened to the warlord?” Kaidan asked.

 

“What do you think?” Grunt said.

 

“He's dead,” Wrex threw in. “Shepard doesn't leave the job half done. Thought you would know that by now.”

 

“Oh, I'm fully aware of that fact,” Kaidan replied drunkenly, earning him a smirk from Shepard and embarrassed giggles from most of the humans in the room.

 

“Easy, General,” Shepard whispered against his husband's ear. “You're going to embarrass me.” Kaidan visibly shuddered against the huffs of warm air in his ear and the quick press of hot lips against his temple.

 

“My turn,” Garrus said, pulling up his omni-tool.

 

“Do you idiots actually fight, or just run around recording everything I do?” Shepard asked.

 

“My visor records everything – as in a video of a certain Galactic Savior drunk and getting his boyfriend's name tattooed on his ass. Remember that before you piss me off, Shepard.” Garrus tapped out a few commands on the omni-tool as everyone laughed, and an image popped up on the vid screen. Shepard and Grunt stood underneath a looming thresher maw, and John dove out of the way of a stream of acid the thing spewed from its mouth. He rolled up and fired a missile right down the its throat, then jumped around shouting with glee when it exploded out of the maw's neck. The creature howled in agony as it died, slumping across the field the human and krogan had been standing on. Both Shepard and Grunt scrambled up to stand on the thing's head, waving their arms in the air and shouting like they'd just won the biggest prize in the galaxy.

 

“That was a damn good fight, Battlemaster,” Grunt said sappily.

 

“Battlemaster?” Kaidan questioned.

 

Shepard shrugged, “I get around.”

 

“Okay, me,” Liara said, waving her omni-tool through the air.

 

A vid began playing of a huge alien species that Kaidan had never seen before. “What the hell is that thing?”

 

“A yahg,” John said. “Tough bastard.”

 

The monstrous thing stood and tossed a table toward the camera. The image went blurry for a moment before focusing on Shepard's face looming above it. He stood and held out a hand, yanking on the blue hand that grasped his. The video then followed him around the room as he whittled the thing's shields away with his pistol before hurling himself bodily at it and pounding into it with his fists until it shook him off and the two of them started all over again. It ended when a shield generator above the yahg exploded, raining molten eezo down onto the creature, reducing it to ash.

 

“Had three broken ribs after that,” Shepard said, taking a swig of his beer.

 

“And two black eyes, a bruised hip, and a cracked vertebra,” Liara reminded him.

 

“All in a day's work. At least Chakwas had plenty to do to keep her busy.” There was another wave of laughter through the group.

 

“The Illusive Man wasn't too thrilled with you being down for the count for so long after that,” Miranda said with a smirk.

 

“Never gave a fuck what the Illusive Man was thrilled about. I had a fucking job to do. I did it, then told him he could kiss my ass! Which was what I wanted to tell him from the very beginning.” Shepard scowled at his beer bottle. During his time with Cerberus he had met some amazing people and done incredible things, but it was like a black cloud over his head that somehow dimmed all that he'd accomplished during that time. Between Cerberus and Aratoht all the good was tarnished.

 

Jack piped up, “I've got vid... from Horizon.”

 

“No,” Shepard said firmly. “That's not funny, Jack!”

 

“Fine... spoil sport!”

 

“My turn,” Wrex shouted.

 

“This is fucking ridiculous!” Shepard said with a grin. “What do you people do all day? It's no damn wonder I get shot so much – my back up is too busy making movies to actually back me up!” When the vid started, Shepard groaned, “Ah, hell!”

 

John and Garrus stood on what might be considered a table inside of what passed for a building on Tuchanka. Obviously drunk, the two of them stood with arms around each others shoulders belting out some song that Kaidan had never heard before. Grunt jumped up onto the table to join them, and the surface rocked, pitching Shepard forward off the table and landing him face first into the lap of a female krogan. He sprang to his feet, muttering apologies to the woman, who was leering at him. A root tripped him as he scrambled backward to get away from her, knocking him flat on his ass, and the krogan wasted no time in pouncing on him. A brief struggle for dominance ensued in which the krogan praised him for his exuberance, before John used his biotics to launch the woman off of him, jumping to his feet and trying to put a considerable distance between himself and the rapidly approaching female. “ _Resistance futile, Shepard,”_ Mordin said from somewhere off the screen. _“Fight only increases female arousal.” “Well what would you suggest then, Mordin?”_ Shepard yelled. _“Lubricant,”_ the salarian replied happily. _“Not happening. Wrex! Can you do something about this?” “Best to just give her what she wants and get it over with, Shepard,”_ the old krogan said around a laugh. _“What's that human saying,”_ Garrus asked. _“If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with? Besides, Alenko won't even give you the time of day. I wouldn't think he would care.” “Well, I fucking care!”_ Shepard shouted. He froze the female in stasis, and raised a barrier around himself that was more symbolic of his refusal to participate in whatever the female had in mind than it would be actually effectual in staving off her advances. _“Lina,”_ Wrex boomed. _“Lay off. Shepard's not interested. Here, take Grunt,”_ he said shoving the younger krogan toward her as Shepard released her from the stasis. When the two krogan were out of sight, another female sneaked up behind Shepard, gripping his hips. He reared back to headbutt her, Threw her with his biotics, then took off at a sprint for the shuttle.

 

Shepard hid his blazing face in his hands while the whole room roared in laughter, including his husband. “You think that's funny, do you?”

 

Kaidan leaned in and kissed his husband. “I think it's hilarious!”

 

John gave him a playful shove, and Joker spoke up, “And there you have it folks. The Savior of the Galaxy running from a woman like a scared little girl.”

 

“Joker, I'd like to see you do any better,” Shepard said.

 

“Hey, you're the sexy stud that everybody wants to bang, not me,” Joker quipped.

 

EDI spoke up next, saving John from having to think of a response to that, “I have a vid, Shepard.”

 

John sighed, “Might as well, EDI. I don't see how it could get more embarrassing.”

 

“It could definitely get more embarrassing,” Kaidan mumbled beside him. “She has cameras all over the ship.” Shepard paled beside him, but the vid started up. It was actually a montage of photos of John and Kaidan together starting from their time on the original Normandy. It was a chronicle of their entire relationship from the beginning to the present – laughing in the mess of the original Normandy before they finally gave in to their obvious feelings for each other; the two men with their arms around Ashley; smiling as their noses rubbed together. John's favorite was the two of them sitting at the poker table in the Normandy's lounge holding cigars in their hands while their lips met for a tender kiss. He'd frame that one.

 

When it was over, EDI spoke again, “I did some research into the human custom of wedding gifts. I am aware that this is late, but I wanted to do something special for you.”

 

“It's perfect, EDI. Thank you!” Shepard said, voice rough.

 

“One more, Shepard,” Liara said softly. John was still a little annoyed with the asari since finding out about the baby. It was something he and Kaidan had decided they wanted, but they were still angry about how the whole thing had come about. They hadn't breathed a word to the crew, and Shepard didn't know how to tell them. He eyed her warily before reluctantly nodding.

 

With a wave of Liara's hand, the vid started on the screen. A tiny, blue, wiggling baby squirming in a sack of embryonic fluid appeared. Her little heart was beating visibly, a mile a minute, while she kicked and brought her fingers to her mouth to suck on them.

 

Shepard's eyes were glued to the screen. His voice was low and rough when he asked, “That's her?”

 

“Yes,” Liara said, barely above a whisper. “I had the ultra-sound this morning.”

 

“And she's okay? She's healthy?” Kaidan asked, gripping John's hand until their knuckles were white.

 

“Yes. She's perfect.”

 

“Yeah,” Shepard breathed eyes never leaving the image. He felt Kaidan press a kiss against his cheek, and he leaned into the touch.

 

“What the hell is going on?” Jack said, ruining the moment.

 

“Liara agreed to be a surrogate for Kaidan and me,” Shepard said, looking to Liara, eyes pleading for her to go along with the white lie.

 

Her look of surprise was fleeting, replaced by her characteristic calm demeanor. “Yes,” she said simply.

 

“So... you're having a baby?” Joker asked, eyes wide.

 

“Yes,” John and Kaidan said in unison, finally turning to each other and smiling into a kiss. After, Shepard stood and crossed the room, pulling Liara into his arms. “Thank you for this,” he whispered as Kaidan joined them, wrapping his arms around Liara and John. The trio broke their embrace with soft chuckles of happiness, all three of them swiping at their watery eyes.

 

“So,” Tom Alenko asked, “What are you going to name her?”

 

John and Kaidan looked at each other and said in unison, “Ashley.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and for all the comments and kudos. They're so encouraging to me! :) 
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and Kaidan have decisions to make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all seem to be loving all the post-war sap and fluff, which is a very good thing. Here, have some more! :)

Shepard was holding baby Philip and making silly faces at him so that his parents could eat their breakfast in peace, Brinley perched on a chair right beside him, unwilling to leave his side again, when EDI, Joker, James, and Steve walked into John and Kaidan's hotel suite. The baby was giggling and cooing and gnawing on the tip of Shepard's finger.

 

“Careful kid, no telling where that thing's been,” James quipped. John ignored him and continued playing with the baby.

 

“Shepard, we have confirmed that the orchard property has been cleared of all hostiles,” EDI informed him.

 

“Good. Arrange transportation for us within the hour,” he ordered without looking up, and his _Commander voice_ was such an odd contrast from the relaxed way Shepard sat there wearing nothing but the bottom half of his under armor and playing with the baby on his lap, that everyone in the room burst into a fit of giggles. “What?” he asked, finally looking up.

 

Kaidan shook his head, smiling that way that made John's heart flutter. “Every time I think I couldn't possibly love you any more than I already do, you go and do something that makes me fall in love with you all over again.” He leaned over to kiss his husband.

 

“Not that I'm complaining,” Shepard said with his lopsided grin, “but, what the hell are you talking about?”

 

“You're just adorable.”

 

“Kaidan,” John huffed, “you know I don't like it when you call me adorable.”

 

“Well, then stop being so damn adorable!”

 

Shepard rolled his eyes turned his attention back to the baby on his lap, shifting Philip up into a sitting position. When John leaned forward to rub his nose against the baby's, Philip stuck his fingers into the Admiral's mouth. Kaidan watched in awe as his husband playfully gnawed on the baby's fingers, careful not to actually bite him. It figured that Shepard would take to this the way he did everything else. When something piqued his interest, John threw himself into it whole-heartedly. “He likes it when you tickle his toes,” he said softly to Brinley, and the girl giggled as she reached over to play with the baby's feet. Philip kicked and squealed, and the three of them laughed together.

 

“Never though I'd live to see the day,” James said, shaking his head. “You're going soft, Loco!”

 

“I don't go soft,” John smirked, flushing red as he realized what he'd said. Kaidan choked on a laugh, and Shepard cleared his throat, “There's no shame in playing with children, Vega. Just wait, maybe one day you will, too.”

 

James turned to Steve, and the love in the look made John smile. This was just one more reason he'd fought so hard. So his friends could find love and build lives for themselves. “Shepard!” Liara exclaimed from the other end of the table. “She's kicking! It's the first time I've felt it. Come here. You can feel it!”

 

John passed Philip off to his dad as quickly and carefully as he could, and he and Kaidan knelt beside Liara. She directed their hands to where baby Ashley's feet were kicking so hard it could be seen through the skin of Liara's belly. “Damn! She's gonna be a bruiser,” Shepard said, chuckling.

 

“Like her dad,” Kaidan said, smiling.

 

Shepard laughed, “God help us then.” He placed his hand over the undulating flesh of Liara's stomach. Brinley wedged herself between John and Kaidan, covering Shepard's hand with her own. He grinned at her and slid his hand over to make room for the girl to feel it, too. Her eyes widened as she looked back and forth between John, Kaidan, and Liara, and all of them laughed.

 

“Does it hurt?” Brinley asked, a sense of awe in her voice

 

“No,” Liara said, smiling, “just feels weird.”

 

Kaidan moved his hand into position when John and Brinley pulled theirs away. “Wow,” he breathed. “This is exciting, isn't it?”

 

“It is,” John agreed with a smile, gripping the back of Kaidan's neck and resting his head against the older man's temple. Brinley hugged both men at the same time, and John and Kaidan chuckled as they kissed her on each cheek.

 

“Well, I want to touch the creepy thing trying to bust out of Liara's stomach,” Joker said, and they all took turns feeling baby Ashley kicking.

 

**

 

They made it back to the orchard, and Shepard immediately excused himself to go sit in the tub and soak. Brinley was reluctant to let him go, but he was sore as hell after the battle yesterday and really needed the rest. It had been months since he'd fought, and he still wasn't completely recovered from Harbinger's beam and the explosion on the Citadel.

 

Kaidan found him, submerged up to his neck, head resting back on the tub as he closed his eyes. “Hey,” he announced his presence quietly.

 

“Hey,” John returned, not opening his eyes.

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

“Like shit.”

 

Kaidan chuckled and sat on the edge of the tub watching his husband for a few moments. “So, uh... Brinley...” They may as well get this out of the way. The girl had been attached to John from the moment she'd laid eyes on him, and that attachment only seemed to be growing.

 

John cracked one eye open to peer at his husband. “I don't even know,” he said with a sigh. “I mean...”

 

“Yeah...” He shifted to the floor, leaning his back against the tub to make himself more comfortable, but he could still turn his head to see John's face if need be. Wet fingers tickled the back of his neck, and he chuckled as the water dribbled down inside his shirt.

 

“Sorry,” Shepard mumbled, then cleared his throat. “What are you thinking?”

 

“That she's been through enough already. That we have no idea how to be parents. We're just now beginning to get used to the idea of having a baby, and we still have close to six months to prepare. Brinley's... hell, I don't even know how old she is.”

 

“Does it matter?”

 

“No,” Kaidan sighed. “I suppose it doesn't. But... she needs someone who understands what she's been through.”

 

“Someone like me?”

 

“That's not what I... John,” Kaidan sighed again.

 

“It's scary, Kaidan. I'll admit that, but she chose us. Your aunt said she's barely spoken to any adults since they found her months ago. That has to mean something.”

 

“She's madly in love with you already,” Kaidan said, grinning over his shoulder. “I think the feeling's mutual, huh?”

 

Shepard turned his head toward the ceiling and closed his eyes. “I can still remember exactly what it felt like,” he began, “realizing I had no one. That there wasn't one single person in the whole damn galaxy that I could rely on. I still remember what it's like to be cold and alone and scared and hungry. No child should ever have to feel that, Kaidan. Would we be the best option for her? I can't honestly say. But I do know that I'd move heaven and earth to make sure she never has to feel that way again.”

 

They fell silent, both of them contemplating this new, strange turn of events. They were already adding a new baby to their little family in six months. Adding an older child at the same time would be an added strain that neither of them knew how to handle. And both of them had the thought, though neither of them was willing to admit it aloud, that they hadn't been married that long. It would have been nice to have just a little more time to themselves before jumping feet first into parenthood.

 

But the circumstances of Brinley's life were completely out of her control. She was just a scared kid who needed someone to look after her, someone to love her and for her to love in return. The reapers had taken everything from her, just as they had from countless others across the galaxy. If John and Kaidan could offer her peace, comfort and safety – a family – didn't they have an obligation to try at least.

 

Smiling, Kaidan reached into the water for John's hand, linking their fingers together. When their eyes met, it was in unspoken agreement. If she wanted them to, John and Kaidan would take her, raise her as their daughter, even look for her parents if they were still alive. “Annette's husband, Brad, is a lawyer,” Kaidan said. “I'll talk to him and see what he says.”

 

Shepard released a breath of relief. “Thank you, Kaidan.” His husband stood and leaned over the tub to kiss him on the lips. “I love you.”

 

“Love you, too. Why don't you try to get a nap? I'll go help mom make lunch.”

 

Nodding, Shepard stood, accepting the towel that Kaidan offered him, smirking when he caught him staring and licking his lips before he could cover himself. “Save it for later,” he teased, and Kaidan's cheeks turned nice and pink before he left Shepard alone in the bathroom.

 

Brinley was standing at the bedroom door when he opened it, holding a child's story book in her hands and gazing up imploringly. Kaidan knew he was already sunk when he looked into those big brown eyes. Shepard stepped out of the bathroom then, thankfully already wearing sweatpants and pulling a t-shirt over his head. His eyes lit up when he saw the child standing there with the book, and he climbed onto the bed, patting the mattress in invitation. Brinley's face cracked in a wide smile as she skirted around Kaidan and clambered onto the bed to lie beside Shepard. Kaidan couldn't help laughing as he left the two of them alone, reading Little Red Riding Hood.

 

In the kitchen, the smells of childhood assaulted his senses, and he couldn't help the pang of regret that John had no such pleasant memories of childhood and that Brinley would never again experience what she had with her parents. “What's Brinley's story?” he asked, stealing a bit of apple from the pie his mother was making.

 

“Oh, that poor child,” Kate said, after batting Kaidan's hands away from the apples and directing him toward a pile of vegetables that needed chopping. “It's just like Karen said. We don't know who she is or where she came from. She told us that her name was Brinley and that she was seven years old, and not much else. She needs a loving family that will take care of her.” Kaidan's back was turned, so he didn't see the sly smile his mother was giving him. “Where is she now, do you know?”

 

“Hm? Oh, she's upstairs with John. He's reading to her.”

 

Kate's smile widened, though Kaidan still didn't see it. “That's good.”

 

“Would it be completely crazy if John and I took her? I mean... it sounds crazy. We're just soldiers, not parents, but...”

 

“She needs someone to look after her,” Kate supplied, where Kaidan faltered.

 

“Yeah, and...”

 

“And, she needs someone who's gone through similar experiences,” she went on. “Like John.”

 

“Like John,” Kaidan agreed. “He wants to adopt her.”

 

Kate stopped and placed a hand on her son's shoulder. “And what do you want?”

 

“I want to adopt her, too. She... needs us.”

 

“She chose you. Seeing her in the orchard with John yesterday is the first genuine smile I've seen from that girl. She'll be good for you, too.”

 

“Yeah, but will we be good for her?”

 

“Will you love her?”

 

“Absolutely,” Kaidan stiffened, feeling somewhat offended.

 

“Then you'll be good for her,” Kate smiled. “Now... since we're already discussing major life events, I have an idea I want to run by you. We should throw a party for you and John, celebrating your wedding.”

 

“We've been married for over seven months,” Kaidan chuckled.

 

“Yes, but we didn't get to be there for the wedding. I think it would be good for the family, and the galaxy, to see some more celebrating right now. Things are still hard out there, son. We're lucky. We've got it better than most.”

 

“Yeah,” Kaidan sighed thoughtfully. Truth was he felt guilty. Hackett had ordered them on a month of leave, and they needed it, no question. It still didn't make it any easier to sit and be idle while the rest of the planet – the galaxy – tried to right itself.

 

There were food shortages all over the planet. The relays were down which meant that all the fleets John had assembled were still stuck in the Sol system. The quarians were working overtime trying to produce enough food for themselves and the turians. The geth and the keepers were working on the relay round the clock trying to get it operational, but it had been six months, the thing still wasn't ready. Long range communications were still down galaxy wide, so they had no way of knowing how the other planets and colonies were faring.

 

Expeditions to the Citadel confirmed that it was completely destroyed, and it would be simpler to build a new station than to try to salvage the old one. They'd also confirmed the deaths of all the refugees on the station. John had cried into Kaidan's chest for hours as the horror of that sank in – Commander Bailey, Kolyat Krios, Lati T'Khana and her family, plus countless other refugees that he had worked his ass off to find a place for on the station thinking they would be protected. Of course John felt personally responsible for their deaths.

 

The other glaring truth was that people were still looking to Shepard to save them. John and Kaidan had taken the time to speak privately with Hackett that morning to try to figure out what they would be doing when their month of leave was over. Hackett informed them that everyone was demanding that John take the position of human Councilor. Shepard had flatly refused, but Hackett had all but begged him to reconsider. Kaidan knew that he would do it. John Shepard would never turn his back when people needed his help.

 

That left Kaidan wondering where he should turn his attentions. The old Council were all dead, not having escaped the Citadel in time, and the loosely assembled group of leaders – which tentatively included Wrex, Primarch Victus, Hackett, Major Kirrahe, an asari Matriarch named T'Naka, and Zal'Koris of the quarian fleet - had already agreed that Spectres would be an integral part of the coming government and had upheld both his and Shepard's status as Spectres. But, they were starting a family. Being a Councilor would be more than a full time job for John, and it wouldn't be fair to their daughters for their other dad to be gone away on life threatening missions all the time. Besides, he wanted to be with John – and the girls – not traipsing all over the galaxy without them.

 

“Kaidan?” His mother asked. “You zoned out on me, honey.”

 

“Sorry, mom, just... thinking.” The galaxy _was_ still in need of happy news, and the fact still remained that he and John had earned some time off. “Okay,” he said at last, “let's do it.”

 

“Perfect! I'm thinking two weeks from now.”

 

“Yeah, okay,” Kaidan said, a new idea forming in his mind. They were only on day three of a one month leave. Two weeks would give him just enough time to pull off his idea – hopefully.

 

**

 

Kaidan was the little spoon the next morning as he and John lay on the bed upstairs watching an early snow fall outside their bedroom window. “Credit for your thoughts,” John murmured, pressing a kiss to Kaidan's still sweat-dampened neck.

 

“Thinking about Noveria. Our first time together.”

 

“Mmm... we were laying just like this, huh? Watching the snow fall. Who would have dreamed that day that things would turn out like they did?”

 

Kaidan gripped the arms that held him tighter, wishing there was some way to pull John inside of him and keep him there.

 

“I'm here,” John rumbled softly, sensing his husband's thoughts. “I'm not going anywhere.” He sealed his promise with another kiss.

 

Kaidan turned in his lover's arms and brought their mouths together – a soft, searching embrace that left them both breathless and half hard again.

 

“I think my body's addicted to you, Kaidan,” John breathed, rolling on top of his husband. “I just can't get enough of you.”

 

“I hope you never do,” Kaidan panted as Shepard kissed down the length of his neck, nipping lightly at the skin. Kaidan was still loose and slick from their last go round, and John was able to slip inside him with ease, groaning when he was fully seated inside his husband.

 

“I love you, Kaidan,” he moaned, rocking his hips forward with the shallowest of thrusts.

 

“God, I love you, too.” Kaidan arched into his lover, desperate to press as much of their skin together as possible. “You feel so perfect.”

 

“Hmm... so do you... I... this is the most amazing thing to me,” John said, pulling back to stare into his husband's honey-brown eyes, “being joined together with you like this.” He rocked his hips slightly drawing deep groans from both of them, before he stilled completely. His fingers came up to card through Kaidan's wavy hair. “Kaidan, I've seen so much, been through so much, and a lot of it was truly incredible – breathtaking, but... nothing is more beautiful to me than you. Nothing takes my breath away like that look in your eyes like I'm the only man in the galaxy.”

 

Kaidan had no words, so he settled for pressing their lips together momentarily. John chased his lips, flicking his tongue across Kaidan's mouth seeking entrance. Kaidan opened to him and Shepard thrust his tongue into his husband's mouth at the same instant he thrust his hips forward, a little more forcefully than before. Kaidan gasped and bucked up to meet his husband. John ratcheted up the pace, angling his hips to hit Kaidan's sweet spot, smiling when the older man's biotics flared, bathing them both in blue light that set their skin tingling. “Fuck... John... I'm gonna..”

 

“Come for me, Kaidan,” John mumbled against his ear. “Let me feel you.” Kaidan's body went stiff, feeling like a star had exploded in his belly. He cried out his release, and John had to cover his husband's mouth with his own, swallowing down his shouts of pleasure as he felt Kaidan's warmth spreading between their stomachs. Kaidan's muscles convulsed around John, pulling him over the edge as well, and he had to set his teeth against Kaidan's shoulder to muffle his sounds. “Fuck,” he breathed, “oh fuck... shit... that was...”

 

“Yeah,” Kaidan managed with a chuckle. “God, John, every time with you is better than the last.”

 

“I don't know about that, but... that was fucking incredible!” He kissed his husband, long and lazy before collapsing on top of the older man with a satisfied groan. “Can we stay here and keep doing that all day?” he asked after a time.

 

“No, we're going out with Brad and Annette tonight, remember?”

 

John groaned in disappointment this time. “When do we just get to lay in bed and fuck all day?”

 

“Two weeks?”

 

Shepard raised up onto his elbows. “What's happening in two weeks?”

 

“Well... mom and dad are throwing us a wedding reception.”

 

John groaned in frustration now. “Kaidan, I don't want to do that.”

 

“Why not?” He asked as Shepard rolled off him, tucking himself into the other man's side and resting his head on Kaidan's chest.

 

“It... just doesn't feel right. There are so many who are suffering. And...,” his fingers swirled lazily through the hair on Kaidan's chest. “Kaidan, this is the happiest I've ever been in my whole life. There's a lot of work to do, sure, but for the first time in a long time we're not fighting for our lives every single day. And... I just feel guilty for enjoying this time as much as I have already. Since I came out of the coma, I've barely had to lift a damned finger, and... I've loved every second of it. Do you know how long it's been since I enjoyed life? Hell, I can't even remember it's been so long. I just... I don't want to go back to work fixing the galaxy. People need me, and for the first time in my life, I don't want to help them, and I feel guilty.”

 

“Are you done?”

 

Shepard looked up at his husband in surprise.

 

“John, there's no law that says you shouldn't enjoy your time off. Like you said, there will be plenty of work to do when our vacation is over. You may not want to work now, but you're still healing. Eventually you're going to be restless and itching to get your hands dirty again. I know you! And what's wrong with celebrating the life that, quite frankly, we fucking earned?”

 

“Okay, fine, we'll have the damned party, but... what does that have to do with spending all day in bed fucking?”

 

Kaidan laughed. “Well, I believe I promised you a honeymoon with white sand, crystal blue water, and lots of sex and booze. Am I right?”

 

“When do we leave?” Shepard asked grinning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and leaving feedback! I appreciate it so much! 
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and Kaidan go on a double date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear, I think these chapters just get cheesier and cheesier as they go along. I'm almost embarrassed.... almost! :)

There was a brief while when Shepard was sure that he and Kaidan would have to cancel their double date with Annette and Brad. They had spent the afternoon with Brinley talking to her about living with them – them taking care of her. She had cried and opened up to them some more about her parents, though John suspected that some of what she was relaying was exaggerated. She was still so young, and it had been months and months since she'd seen either of her parents. They tried asking about where she'd lived, but couldn't get much more than “in the city” out of her. She had no idea, unsurprisingly.

 

They played twenty questions with her. John asked if she knew her last name. She didn't, or more likely, couldn't remember. She wanted to know what John's favorite dessert was, and he grinned as he told her it was strawberry milkshakes. Brinley declared they were her favorite, too. That earned a chuckle from both men. She asked Kaidan if he wanted a little girl, and his eyes teared up as he told her he absolutely did. The questions continued even after she was curled up against Kaidan's chest, murmuring sleepily into his shirt. But when they told her they planned to go out for the evening, and that she would have to stay home with Tom and Kate, she began wailing inconsolably. John took her in his arms and bribed her with candy or toys, but it wasn't until he promised that they would be there when she woke up in the morning that she finally relented.

 

“You promise?” she'd asked, wiping her nose with her sleeve, as was her habit.

 

“I promise,” Shepard assured her, feeling more than a little guilty. He knew better than most that there was no guarantee of tomorrow, but he'd do his damnedest to keep this promise – and every one he made to his family for the rest of his life.

 

In the end, the men tucked her in with bedtime stories and plenty of kisses, staying with her until she'd finally drifted off to sleep, before hurrying to meet up with Brad and Annette in Vancouver.

 

Shepard and Kaidan held hands as they strolled through the snow behind Brad and Annette. The war had barely touched the area around the orchard, but here in Vancouver there were signs of the war everywhere they looked. A lot had already been rebuilt. Whole blocks had been demolished, paved over, and replaced by brand spanking new buildings. It was surreal to walk down a nearly pristine street in the midst of the devastation. The street was lined with restaurants, shops, hotels, and bars. After dinner in one of the restaurants, they planned to meet the crew for drinks and karaoke.

 

“Where were you when the reapers hit?” Brad asked over dinner.

 

“Here in Vancouver,” Kaidan said. “I was at HQ. I worked there, teaching my biotic students. The Defense Committee called me in when they picked up the first reapers on long range. Shepard and I were the only two reaper experts on the planet at the time.”

 

“I was in jail,” Shepard said dryly. He was still a little pissed when he thought about how Kaidan had been working just two floors down from him the entire time he'd been in lock-up. They had talked about it, and Shepard had forgiven him for not coming to see him. It still hurt to think about it, though. Kaidan gave him an apologetic smile and squeezed his hand.

 

“Did you really do what they said, John?” Annette asked.

 

“Yes,” he sighed and ran a hand down his face. “I'm not the monster they made me out to be though. The reapers were just minutes from arriving. I had to buy us time. Of course, I hadn't expected them to throw my ass in jail and lose the key. I had hoped they would take the evidence I presented and actually fucking do something about it. If they would have just listened for one fucking minute!”

 

“I'm sorry,” she said quietly.

 

“It's fine. It's over now anyway, and I guess I'm going to be fielding that question for the rest of my life. Funny how it only takes one questionable decision to overshadow an entire career of good deeds.” He tossed his drink back, staring into the empty glass afterward.

 

They changed the subject after that. Brad had been a lawyer before the war, and while humanity still needed lawyers, they also needed farmers. When they found out she was pregnant, he and Annette had decided to stay in the country and try their hand at farming. “Are you still licensed to practice law,” Shepard asked.

 

“Yeah. I decided to keep my license up to date just in case,” he said.

 

“Kaidan and I need some legal papers drawn up. For the baby... and for Brinley,” he added, swallowing hard. “Think you could help us with that?”

 

“I'd be happy to! It's a great thing you're doing. Taking Brinley, I mean. She's the sweetest child, if a little rambunctious, but she'd hardly have anything to do with us. Annette wanted to keep her,” he smiled at his wife.

 

“Oh, we don't want to step on any toes,” John said quickly.

 

“She was miserable with us,” Annette said sadly. “I guess she was just waiting for the two of you.” She gave them both a tired, but genuine, smile and they returned it.

 

“I think she's already got John wrapped around her finger,” Kaidan said with a grin. Shepard looked sheepish as he rubbed the back of his neck and gave a little shrug.

 

“I, uh.. noticed some tension between you and the asari,” Brad asked after a minute or so. “Can I ask what's really going on?”

 

Shepard sighed. “I didn't sleep with her,” he said adamantly. “I'm gay. I don't like women. More importantly, I love Kaidan, and I would never, ever jeopardize what we have. Never! I wouldn't hurt him like that.” He went on to explain the asari reproduction process, and how he'd been tricked by Liara. “You can imagine how pissed we both were when we found it out, but... she's our daughter, and we want her. Just like everything else in my life, there's always some fucked up circumstance that casts its shadow on the good things. I never wanted it to be this way, but I can't deny being happy that we're going to have her.”

 

“Fair enough,” Brad said. “Do you feel overwhelmed, bringing two daughters into your family within six months of each other?”

 

“Yes,” they agreed in unison, grinning at each other.

 

“But we're happy about it,” John assured them, leaning into Kaidan for a quick kiss when his husband smiled at him.

 

Brad grinned at them. “You know, you're nothing like the media portrays you.”

 

“I hope that's a good thing,” Shepard said with a huff of laughter.

 

“It's a great thing,” Annette said. “I can hardly reconcile the bastard the media makes you out to be with the kind, humble man sitting at this table.”

 

“You thought I was a bastard?” Shepard sounded shocked and slightly offended.

 

“Until you and Kaidan got married, the only thing they showed on the news were images of you killing people or shouting at the Council. You have to admit that your actions, taken out of context, seem... harsh.”

 

“Yeah... I guess,” he said sullenly. “I never wanted any of this, you know? I was just a street rat in New York who joined the Alliance to get out of the gang I was in. Once I'd joined up, I just wanted to be the best soldier I could be because I'd finally found something that I was good at that was worth being proud of. And the whole time it was happening – from basic to officer training, from Elysium to ICT, from being the XO of the Normandy to being the first human Spectre – I never saw myself the way others did. I just did the next right thing – or I tried to. By the time I realized that people were starting to idolize me, it was too late to do anything about it, and I just wanted to go back to being a marine.”

 

“Well, you won't hear me complaining about the way things turned out,” Kaidan said.

 

Shepard turned to his husband and smiled. “There have been some good times, huh?”

 

“The best!”

 

When they tried to pay their bill, the restaurant owner wouldn't let them. The Savior of the Galaxy would always eat for free in his establishment. Shepard was embarrassed as he gave his thanks, hoping to avoid a scene, but no such luck. The owner called attention to the fact that the first two human Spectres were in the house and between all the hugs, autographs, and heartfelt thank-you's they almost couldn't get out of the building. A swarm of news reporters greeted them outside, but John was determined it wasn't going to spoil their evening. He gave a short statement about how he was thankful to have played any part at all in the destruction of the reapers and how he was enjoying married life and his vacation, giving Kaidan a quick kiss to appease the audience, and asking them respectfully to give him some space to savor a rare moment of down time.

 

“You were born to be a politician, Shepard,” Brad quipped as they strolled down the street to the karaoke bar where they were meeting the crew, earning himself a disgruntled noise from John. Brad and Annette just laughed, and Shepard reveled in the feeling of being normal. Here they were on a double date with Kaidan's cousin, and enjoying conversation and just being out on the town. He could certainly get used to this kind of life. “You know that the people want you to be the human Councilor, right?”

 

“Yes, damn it,” John said, practically pouting. “I don't fucking want to!”

 

Kaidan laughed. “He gets like this when he's cranky,” he said. “Like a petulant child.”

 

“Kiss my ass, Kaidan!” Shepard growled. “This doesn't fit in with any of the things we talked about before the war was over. Remember? How are we going to raise a family if I'm the Councilor?”

 

“I don't know,” Kaidan admitted. “We'll figure it out though. We always do.”

 

“ _Or_ , I could just say _no_ , and we won't have to worry about it.” Kaidan gave him a look that said, _Yeah right,_ and Shepard swatted him on the ass. “I'm done! We're not talking any more business tonight. Now I want to go get shitfaced, embarrass myself trying to sing karaoke, and let my husband take advantage of me.”

 

“Anything for the Savior of the Galaxy,” Kaidan grinned.

 

John was true to his word. After a couple of hours of drinking, he was completely wasted and ready to attempt karaoke. His voice was still smooth and deep and beautiful, despite the fact that he was so drunk, and even in his inebriated state, he managed to follow along with the unfamiliar songs pretty well. Jack insisted that he sing a song called _Bitch_ from the twentieth century, and surprisingly, he agreed to humor the crowd who enjoyed it immensely – particularly when he came to the line, _I'm a goddess on my knees,_ and made an obscene gesture mimicking a blow job.

 

The biggest surprise of the night came when he asked to use the house band's piano so that he could play a song for Kaidan. Every eye in the house was on the pair of them as John played and sang for his husband, and Kaidan's heart melted as he listened to the words, knowing they were just for him.

 

_Your love is bright as ever_  
_Even in the shadows_  
_Baby kiss me_  
_Before they turn the lights out_  
_Your heart is glowing_  
_And I’m crashing into you_  
_Baby kiss me, kiss me_  
_Before they turn the lights out_  
_Before they turn the lights out_  
_Baby love me lights out_

_In the darkest night hour_  
_I’ll search through the crowd_  
_Your face is all that I see_  
_I’ll give you everything_  
_Baby, love me lights out_

  


“That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me,” Kaidan told him when he stepped off the stage, then he pulled him into a desperate and messy kiss while all their friends cat called and whistled around them.

 

“Take me home,” Shepard whispered against his ear. Without waiting around to say goodbye to everyone else, Kaidan pulled Annette aside and informed her of their plans, and his cousin bid them good night with a gleam in her eye.

 

John insisted on checking in on Brinley when they returned, and they found her sound asleep in the room Kate had set up for her next to John and Kaidan's. Neither man could resist giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead, but as soon as they were out in the hallway and Kaidan had secured Brinley's door, John had him pinned to the wall, tongue moving hotly up his neck. Kaidan laughed breathlessly and shoved his husband away, but John managed to grab his wrist and pull him back, mouths meeting for a bruising kiss. “Let's finish this in our room,” Kaidan whispered, still laughing as John's hands slid down to squeeze his ass.

 

“You mean you don't want to do it out here in the hallway?” John teased, nipping at his earlobe.

 

“Not particularly.”

 

“Me neither.”

 

They were both so wrapped up in each other – and still a little drunk – that they tripped, bumping into the wall, and making entirely too much noise giggling and trying to shush each other. When the door to their room opened, they nearly fell in, and neither of them saw Tom shaking his head and chuckling from the other end of the hallway.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the love! Reading your comments is my most favoritest thing! :) 
> 
> The song Jack makes him sing is "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks, because I simply couldn't get the vision of a drunk Shepard singing this song and making an obscene gesture at the appropriate time. Sue me! lol And I can totally see Jack roping him into this! :)
> 
> The song he sings to Kaidan is XO, written by Beyonce, performed by John Mayer. I just love that song and feel like it shows John's feelings for Kaidan very well. I actually wanted to write a song for this, but I'm neither a poet nor a song writer. So you guys are just stuck with cheesy romance songs from the 20th and 21st centuries. We'll just pretend that Shepard has atrocious taste in music by 22nd century standards! lol
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and Kaidan make plans, and Liara drops another bomb on them.

“Can we talk?” John passed a mug of coffee to his husband, and sat beside him on the front porch steps.

 

“Of course. Something on your mind?”

 

“This Councilor position,” Shepard said. His voice was heavy, tone serious, as if the whole idea of it was a burden to him. Blue eyes tracked Brinley as she scampered about in the yard, seemingly dancing to some unheard song in her own head. “I wonder if she had lessons... before everything,” he said, avoiding the topic altogether.

 

She caught the men watching her and flashed them her brilliant, toothless smile, brown curls jutting wildly from her head as usual. Kate had given them something to put in her hair that was supposed to tame it, but it didn't seem to work. Kaidan had the feeling John didn't care for it anyway. He liked her wild hair, symbolic of her nature and personality. The girl had blown into their lives like a tiny whirlwind, taking their hearts by storm.

 

“We can ask her,” Kaidan said with a shrug. “Not sure what we could do about it at the moment, however. There probably aren't many dance schools left.”

 

John sighed. “Yeah....”

 

Kaidan reached a hand up, fingers rubbing lightly against his husband's neck. “Credit for your thoughts,” he said softly.

 

He stayed silent, watching Brinley spin and twirl, laughing as she did so, and his own face cracked into a tiny grin. Kaidan loved seeing him like this – happy, unburdened, in awe – and he couldn't resist leaning close to press his lips to stubbled cheeks.

 

“I need a shave, huh?” Shepard chuckled, scratching his cheek where Kaidan's lips had just been. There was a grin, though, that lopsided thing that Kaidan simply adored.

 

“Naw... I like it like this. Rugged and handsome.”

 

John swung his head around to face him, smile wide, eyes beaming. “You're biased.”

 

“Am not,” Kaidan assured him. “Okay, maybe a little, but I got the best catch in the galaxy. I'm allowed to brag.”

 

“You got stuck with the biggest pain in the ass in the galaxy. Someone should take up a sympathy fund.” Shepard leaned close for a kiss, one hand braced on the porch floor while the other held Kaidan's neck steady.

 

“You're so oblivious to the affect you have on people,” Kaidan chuckled. “Blind to your own charms.”

 

Shepard breathed a laugh and rolled his eyes. “I'm the lucky one, Kaid. What did I do to deserve you?” Gently, he rubbed his nose against Kaidan's, lips brushing lightly one last time before bringing their foreheads together. Closing his eyes, he drew a steeling breath before murmuring softly. “I think I should take the job offer.”

 

“So do I.”

 

A ragged sigh passed John's lips and his shoulders slumped. “I was afraid you'd say that.”

 

Kaidan laughed quietly. “You don't want me to support you?” he asked, tipping John's chin up with a finger until their eyes met.

 

“I wanted you to talk me out of it.” He sat up straighter, eyes landing on Brinley once more. She seemed lost in her own little fantasy land as she skipped and danced. “How does she find so much damn energy? She's been at this for half an hour!”

 

He couldn't help laughing at his husband some more, slipping an arm around his waist. John's arm went around his shoulder, lips planting a gentle kiss at the graying temple. “It's beautiful,” Kaidan said. “Gives me hope that her nightmares will stop, that she'll find peace and happiness... just like we did. Just like so many others out there need right now.” He leaned against Shepard's body, both of them relaxing into the other's touch. “They need hope, John. You inspire that hope. Even now. I know you don't think so, but you're a brilliant diplomat. You have a way with words. You... you have ideas that will bring people together, unite us into one. I mean... look what we did when we were all united against a common foe. We all came together, laying aside centuries old prejudices and hate, and you did that... You made that happen. Now that we're faced with the prospect of never ending reconstruction – on every single world out there... Well, people need hope in the face of that. They need strong leadership. That's you, John. There's no one else in the galaxy who can get it done.”

 

“I'm tired of it being me.”

 

“I know that. And if you really don't want to do it, then you know I'll support you in that as well. Hackett wants me on the Defense Committee, and I feel like I could be useful there. It would also free me up to have a job with normal hours, little travel time... and hell, it's good pay. One of us, at least, needs a job where we can drop everything at a moment's notice when the kids need us.”

 

Brinley spun in a circle until she made herself dizzy and fell to the ground giggling. Both men laughed with her. “Careful,” John warned her, but he was smiling. She bounded up to the porch and wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing a kiss to his cheek, and Shepard embraced her, holding her close. As quickly as it had begun, it was over, and she darted off to play some more. An old bicycle with training wheels had been produced out of thin air. Kaidan didn't remember ever owning one like it, but it had been in the old shed behind the house, so maybe it had been his. At any rate, Brinley was thoroughly enjoying racing it up and down the flat driveway.

 

“Duty,” John said, disgusted, and seemingly out of nowhere. “It always comes back to that.”

 

“Is that why you think you should take the job?”

 

“Yes... partly,” he sighed again. “But I know you're right. I know all those things. Know I'd be miserable if I said no. I just... I can't sit by and watch people suffer. It's just not in my nature. Maybe it's not the only way I could help them, but I know it's the best way.”

 

“I sense a 'but' here.”

 

“But... it's not what I want to do, although it's what I need to do.”

 

“It doesn't have to be forever.”

 

“It'll likely be forever, Kaidan. You know that.”

 

“When did you become such a pessimist?”

 

“Just trying to be realistic. I want to be there for you and the girls. I don't want to miss watching the kids grow. Don't want to be apart from you.”

 

“John, you're going to be a great dad. You already are here for Brinley, for me. Just because you take on a new job doesn't mean that's going to change.”

 

“Alright... I'll tell Hackett yes. I just...”

 

“We'll make it work. You'll see.”

 

“John,” Brinley called to him, running toward him as fast as she could. “Can you take the extra wheels off and teach me to ride that way?”

 

“Hey, why don't you let Kaidan do that? I never learned to ride a bike myself. I'll take video.”

 

Kaidan was fairly successful in his attempt to teach her to ride, and Shepard thought he'd never feel this strange combination of wonder, pride, and love again in his life. When she fell and scraped her knees, Shepard was the one to carry her inside, patching her up with medigel and kissing away her tears while Kaidan put the bike away for the day. He found the two of them settling onto the bed with a datapad. John had managed to find and download a collection of children's stories to read to her. Given his own love of reading, it wasn't surprising. Brinley and John both smiled at him and beckoned him to join them. He climbed onto the bed as John began to read.

 

“Once upon a time there were two princes who were twins. Their names were Acrisius and Prœtus, and they lived in the pleasant vale of Argos, far away in Hellas. They had fruitful meadows and vineyards, sheep and oxen, great herds of horses feeding down in Lerna Fen, and all that men could need to make them blest: and yet they were wretched, because they were jealous of each other. From the moment they were born they began to quarrel; and when they grew up each tried to take away the other’s share of the kingdom, and keep all for himself...”

 

By the time he finished the first chapter of Perseus' story, both John and Brinley were looking rather drowsy. Wordlessly, Shepard passed the datapad to Kaidan and snuggled down further on the bed, pulling Brinley against his chest. “Read to us?” he murmured, eyes already drifting closed.

 

Kaidan chuckled softly, and picked up where he'd left off. “Fifteen years were past and gone, and the babe was now grown to be a tall lad and a sailor, and went many voyages after merchandise to the islands round. His mother called him Perseus; but all the people in Seriphos said that he was not the son of mortal man, and called him the son of Zeus, the king of the Immortals. For though he was but fifteen, he was taller by a head than any man in the island; and he was the most skillful of all in running and wrestling and boxing, and in throwing the quoit and the javelin, and in rowing with the oar, and in playing on the harp, and in all which befits a man. And he was brave and truthful, gentle and courteous, for good old Dictys had trained him well; and well it was for Perseus that he had done so. For now Danae and her son fell into great danger, and Perseus had need of all his wit to defend his mother and himself.”

 

They were both asleep by the end of the first paragraph, and Kaidan just sat, watching them with wonder. His little family had bloomed overnight, surprising and a little overwhelming, but he wouldn't trade either of them for anything. Moments like this made all the hardship they'd endured seem worth it, lessened the horror of the things he'd seen and done during his career as an Alliance soldier. While John may still be questioning where he fit in the galaxy these days, Kaidan was sure of one thing. It was time to lay the guns down and work in a new way to protect the galaxy, the planet, his own world which at the moment consisted of the two sleeping beings beside him on the bed.

 

A quiet snore filled the room, and Kaidan ran his fingers through John's short hair, then through Brinley's wild curls, before kissing them each gently on the forehead then lying down beside them. He draped an arm around John's waist, their daughter nestled safely between them, and drifted off to join his family for a nap.

 

**

 

The next two weeks went by in a flurry of activity. John agreed to accept the Councilor position, but Hackett insisted that he wait until after his honeymoon to be officially sworn in and refused to send Shepard any intel at all, knowing that he would work instead of relaxing if he did. John and Kaidan worked around the orchard, helping harvest the apples, repairing damage from the Cerberus attack, and doing any little project that Kate wanted them to do. John had to admit that it felt good to be doing something with his hands that didn't involve killing things.

 

Brinley was constantly into some mischief or another. If she went missing, both John and Kaidan had already learned to check the apple trees first for any sign of the girl, since she loved climbing them so. After going so long without food, it wasn't uncommon to find her hiding somewhere to eat, or storing food away for another time. John understood that feeling all too well and did his best to comfort her and reassure her that they'd always feed her, but he knew it would simply take time for her to become accustomed to being taken care of. He always gave her a ration bar to keep in her pocket though; just so she wouldn't have to fear the hunger.

 

Their wedding reception was going to be held at Alliance HQ which was also the current Council HQ. They had gone all out to create one room large enough to hold a few hundred people that could be used for functions such as this. Shepard thought it was a ridiculous display of opulence and an enormous waste of resources, but as long as governments existed, there would be exorbitant waste. Still, it chapped his hide. He still didn't want to have this party, but before they'd even married, he had told Kaidan that if they didn't wait till after the war, they would have a big party to celebrate when it was over.

 

Telling Brinley that they were going away for two weeks was almost enough to make them cancel their planned trip, and on more than one occasion, they had a serious discussion about taking her with them. In the end they were able to convince her to stay with Tom and Kate by promising to vid call her every morning and every night, because, as Kate had reminded them with a wink, they couldn't have a _proper_ honeymoon with a child underfoot.

 

He was standing in front of a mirror in their hotel room adjusting the bow tie for his tux when Kaidan found him. “Damn, you look sexy,” Kaidan said, wrapping his arms around Shepard's waist from behind.

 

“Ditto!”

 

“Thank you for doing this. It means a lot to mom... and me.”

 

“You know I'd do anything for you, Kaidan. Besides, I get two whole weeks of naked time after this, right?”

 

“Exactly,” Kaidan chuckled, kissing him on the neck.

 

“I'd almost be willing to fight the reapers again for that,” Shepard grinned, turning to capture his husband's mouth with his own. “Think we have time for a practice run before we head down there?”

 

“No,” his husband said, firmly pushing him away. “You want a piece of this,” he said turning and pointing his ass at Shepard and giving it a little shake and a smack, “then you're going to have to behave and endure this party!”

 

“I definitely want a piece of that,” Shepard growled, yanking Kaidan back against him and biting down on his neck.

 

“You're not behaving,” Kaidan moaned.

 

“And you love me for it.”

 

“God, I really do,” the older man admitted.

 

Shepard laughed and pressed a kiss to the bite mark then grabbed his husband by the hand. “Come on General Alenko-Shepard. Let's go greet our adoring public.”

 

The door swished open and Liara was standing on the other side, hand poised to knock. “Liara?” Shepard asked in surprise.

 

“Shepard, I need to speak to you. Both of you.”

 

John's stomach dropped out, and his voice took on a hard edge. The last time she'd said that, she'd told them about the baby. “What is it?”

 

“Can I come in, please?”

 

“Liara-”

 

“Shepard, I can understand your reservations, but the baby is fine. I haven't changed my mind. This is about... your mother.”

 

John blanched. “I don't have a mother.”

 

“Yes you do, John. Can I please come in?”

 

Kaidan had to pull Shepard back into the room since his feet didn't seem to be working. He sat with a thunk into the nearest chair and dropped his elbows to his knees, staring at the floor between his feet. “How did you find this out?” John asked. Liara was too good at her job to be wrong about this, and he didn't think she'd be cruel enough to lie about it.

 

“Before the war ended, I had started getting reports about an Alliance officer who was tracking your movements, occasionally attempting to hack your files. I didn't mention it to you because it didn't seem to be a threat, it was largely unsubstantiated, and well frankly, you had enough on your plate at the time. Since returning to Earth, I've been working to reestablish my network here in the Sol system at least. The same reports started cropping up from various operatives. I was finally able to trace these breaches back to Rear Admiral Hannah Beckett. She enlisted at age eighteen under the name Hannah Jones. Her physical exam noted that she'd given birth once before enlistment. She claimed it was a boy that she'd put up for adoption.” She tapped on her omni-tool and sent him the woman's personnel file.

 

“My mother's name was Hannah according to my birth certificate,” he said.

 

“I know,” she said quietly.

 

“Why are you telling me this right now?”

 

“Because she's going to be here tonight.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book John and Kaidan are reading from is called The Heroes by Charles Kingsley. It's a book of Greek mythology written for children and is available for free on gutenberg.org.
> 
> Thanks for all the feedback and lovely comments!! 
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and Kaidan celebrate the life they've earned.

Shepard stood and paced across the room several times until Kaidan stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. “John? You okay?”

 

“I don't know, Kaidan. Why would she come now? Why has she never come forward before? It's not like I haven't been in the public eye for enough years. Why would she even come at all? She didn't fucking want me!”

 

“I don't know, John. Maybe she had a good reason. Your birth certificate said she was very young when you were born. Hell, she was still a kid herself. She may have just been scared, and it's not exactly a secret that you're an orphan who lived on the streets. Not many people know the finer details, but that at least is pretty common knowledge. Maybe she was ashamed, or thought you wouldn't want to see her.”

 

“I _don't_ want to fucking see her,” Shepard bellowed.

 

“Okay... we have a picture of her from her file here, we'll just... avoid her if we can. And, I'll do my best to keep you away from her. Liara will help, and so will Garrus. Right Liara?”

 

“I haven't told anyone else. I thought you would want to do it yourself, Shepard. And... I wasn't sure if you would trust me, but I want to help in any way I can. You may not believe it, but I care for you both a very great deal.” A tear slid down her face, and she kissed both men on the cheek. “Tell me what you want me to do, Shepard.”

 

Shepard's omni-tool lit up, and he cursed as he slapped it on. “What?” he barked, then immediately regretted it when he saw who was calling.

 

“John?” Annette asked. She and Brad had offered to help them out with Brinley during the party and to take her home afterward. “Is everything alright?”

 

“Yeah... I'm sorry. Just... I'm sorry,” he sighed.

 

“I was just checking on you two. Brinley is asking for you.”

 

“We're going to be a few more minutes. Go ahead and bring her up.”

 

It amazed Kaidan how quickly John and Brinley had bonded. Kaidan loved the girl, too, of course, but she and Shepard had latched onto one another rather quickly. Maybe it was the similarities between their circumstances, but regardless of why, the bond they'd forged was undeniable. The instant the child stepped into the room, she was on alert, rushing to John where he sat in a chair holding his head in his hands. Shepard drew her to him and held her with one arm while he continued to rub his head in agitation with his free hand. Brinley stood, head on his shoulder, little fingers patting his arm in comfort, until he had calmed down enough to approach this situation rationally. The smile he gave the girl made Kaidan melt, and after a brief discussion, the formulation of their plan, the group left the room and headed for the reception hall.

 

**

 

John spotted her the instant they entered the room, and Kaidan felt his husband stiffen beside him. He could only imagine what was going on in John's head at the moment. Shepard did his best to keep his smile plastered in place while the couple were introduced as the guests of honor. Both his hands were clasped tightly by those he loved – Kaidan on one side, Brinley on the other – and when Kaidan tugged on his hand, and their eyes met, Shepard seemed to relax for the first time since Liara had shown up at their door. The rest of the world filtered away, and their lips met for a tender kiss to the applause of the crowd before they began mingling, carefully avoiding Hannah Beckett.

 

Kaidan's parents had spared no expense in making the evening beautiful. Everything was tastefully decorated with simple white flowers and none of the frills and ruffles that John had been fearing. He might be gay, but he was still a man. He didn't do ruffles. There were candles scattered around the room, and the lights were slightly dimmed. An enormous white cake sat on a table decorated simply with Alliance-blue satin ribbons around the center of each layer and a mini replica of the Normandy perched on top. Shepard liked it.

 

“Thanks, mom,” he said to Kate, kissing her on the cheek. “You really outdid yourself.”

 

Kate Alenko kissed her son-in-law on the cheek. “It was my pleasure, but you do owe me a dance!”

 

“I can handle that,” he said with a smile. Kaidan stayed glued to his side – Brinley flitting back and forth between them and Annette – as they stood by the cake table and greeted each guest through the receiving line, and his husband held it together until he saw Hannah Beckett in the line a few people back. “I can't talk to her,” he hissed in Kaidan's ear.

 

“Just be polite,” Kaidan murmured back. “Maybe she will just move on through the line.”

 

“Of course we would have to greet every single person individually,” he said, punctuating it with a curse.

 

“Just smile, John.”

 

When Hannah was standing in front of them, Kaidan knew beyond a doubt that this woman was his mother-in-law. He found himself staring back into the exact same blue eyes as his husband. No one could ever mistake those eyes. John had her nose too, but the similarities ended there. Hannah Beckett was a short, thin woman with long blonde hair pulled into a severe bun at the nape of her neck, and harsh lines around her eyes. She was dressed in Alliance blues with her bars of rank proudly displayed on her pauldrons and several medals on her chest. “Thank you for coming,” John said stiffly, shaking her hand and offering her a smile that didn't come close to his eyes.

 

“It's an honor to meet you, Admiral Shepard,” she said, sincerely. “My name is Hannah Beckett.”

 

“It's Alenko-Shepard,” he ground out.

 

“Of course,” she smiled. “And you as well, General Alenko-Shepard.”

 

“Thank you for coming, Rear Admiral,” Kaidan replied, his smoothness making up for Shepard's gruffness.

 

“This is my husband, Stan Beckett,” she announced. “He's an executive at Eldfell-Ashland Energy.”

 

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Beckett,” Kaidan said, shaking the man's hand and elbowing his own husband.

 

“Thanks for coming,” Shepard automatically replied, shaking hands with Stan Beckett.

 

“We met Mr. Ashland on the Citadel. Remember, John?”

 

“At the casino. Right. I remember.”

 

“I believe we met his daughter as well,” Kaidan continued.

 

Shepard rolled his eyes, “How could I forget?”

 

“Yes,” Stan Beckett said sadly, “Mr. Ashland and Aish never returned from the Citadel, I'm afraid.”

 

“I'm sorry to hear that,” Kaidan said, knowing what that meant.

 

“Yes, we all were,” Stan agreed.

 

John just looked above the couple's heads, trying to avoid eye contact. When Hannah and Stan didn't make a move to leave, John tugged on his collar and waved to Kate Alenko. “ _Mom_ ,” he stressed the word when Kate came over, “is there anything to drink besides champagne?”

 

“There's a full bar, John. What can I get you?”

 

“Whiskey – straight,” he barked in his _Commander voice_. “Make it a double,” he shouted after her.

 

“You know,” Hannah said, quietly, looking into her son's eyes.

 

“I do,” Shepard said simply, staring her down the way Kaidan had seen him do with Saren and countless other enemies just before he destroyed them.

 

“The line is backing up,” Kaidan said, with a thin smile. “Perhaps we could talk some more later?”

 

The Beckett's took their cue and moved on just as Kate returned with John's drink. He downed the drink quickly, eyes bouncing around in agitation, and Kaidan could sense a disaster brewing. “Mom, I'm feeling a headache coming on. John and I are going to step out and get some fresh air. Maybe everyone could start dancing?”

 

“Okay, honey. Do you need anything?”

 

“No,” Kaidan called over his shoulder, already dragging John toward the exit. As soon as they were outside, John roared his frustration and used a biotic Throw to send a garbage can careening down the street. “Feel better,” Kaidan asked, amused.

 

“No! Why now? Why would she come, tonight of all fucking nights?”

 

Kaidan pulled his husband into his arms, and Shepard rested his head on the other man's shoulder. “I don't know, John. I don't understand any of it, and I don't know how to help you deal with it.” He smoothed his hands up and down Shepard's back. “I do know that I will be right by your side while we get it sorted, though, okay?”

 

John nodded and huffed against his husband's neck. “I guess I can't get drunk tonight, huh?”

 

“I would prefer it if you didn't,” Kaidan said, chuckling. “Tell you what... you come back in and dance with me and feed me cake and then I'll take you to our room and do all sorts of dirty things to you.”

 

“Mmmm... I like the sound of that.”

 

“Do we have a deal?”

 

“Maybe. How about a little... sample of what's to come?”

 

“My mom knows I was lying about the headache and she's going to be down here in a minute to haul our asses back up to that party. And you know she's not above doing that even if you're standing here with your dick in my mouth.”

 

John pressed his face into Kaidan's shoulder and laughed. “That could get awkward.... I'm sorry I'm not handling this better.”

 

“You have every right to be upset. Just try to treat it like any other mission, John.”

 

“It's our damn wedding reception. It's supposed to be fun!”

 

“I know, and I'm sorry. It wasn't fair of her to do this to you tonight of all nights.” Kaidan kissed him tenderly. “We'll get through it together, okay?”

 

“Yes, Sir!” John saluted lazily and cupped his husband's face, kissing him again.

 

“Come on, lets get back to our party!”

 

 

**

 

By the time they made it back to the party, John was schmoozing with the best of them, plying his charms on everyone who came with in three feet of him. Except for Hannah Beckett. Whenever the Rear Admiral came near, he turned his back and pretended to be engaged in deep and fascinating conversation with whomever happened to be standing nearby. Within thirty minutes, all of the single women – and half the married ones – were following him with doe-eyed reverence, and even the men stood a little straighter when he passed. Kaidan watched the whole thing with a smug smile. It was a good thing that his husband was oblivious.

 

When they took to the dance floor, every eye in the room was on them, but the couple only had eyes for each other. For John it was as if time stood still and they would be locked in this moment for all eternity. Kaidan gazed up at him, honey-brown eyes so full of love and warmth that Shepard's insides felt like jelly. He hoped his gaze was conveying the same depth of feeling. Judging by Kaidan's sappy smile, it was. John returned the smile before bending his head for a kiss, just a soft press of lips that held the promise of things to come. The song ended all too soon, though, and decorum dictated that they release each other. They were reluctant, and John found himself wishing the party was over so they could be alone. Maybe they would dance to this song again upstairs... in private... and with much less clothing. He smirked at the thought, and Kaidan shook his head, knowing what that look meant.

 

Kaidan danced with his mother next, and John with Brinley. After one song, they switched partners, and Shepard could hardly take his eyes off Kaidan dancing with their girl. How the little scamp had managed to worm her way into their affections so rapidly – so ruthlessly – Shepard would never know, but he did know he already couldn't imagine their lives without her.

 

He danced with Liara next, while Brinley insisted on dancing with James and Kaidan with Jack, who was actually dressed beautifully in a long black dress that brushed the tops of her toes. The center was cut out, as was often the fashion on the Citadel, but the sleeves were long and it was the most covered he'd ever seen the woman. Of course she still sported her black combat boots. She'd come as Miranda's date, which made John grin and shake his head. Talk about your odd couples. After changing dance partners several times, Hannah Beckett stepped out of John's blind spot and asked for a dance. Seeing no way out of it, John begrudgingly agreed.

 

“I'm sorry, John,” she said quietly as they moved somewhat stiffly around the dance floor.

 

Shepard was looking anywhere but at her, but when she spoke, his ice blue eyes snapped to hers. “You can call me Admiral, or Shepard. You haven't earned the right to call me John.”

 

“Very well, Shepard. For what it's worth, I'm... you have no idea how sorry I am.”

 

He scoffed. “Why are you here?”

 

“Admiral Hackett wanted me to come. He has no idea who I am,” she added quickly. “I thought about pretending to be sick, but... Stan convinced me that I should at least try.”

 

“Why haven't you _tried_ for the last thirty-three years? For at least the last fifteen of those, you've always known exactly where the fuck to find me!”

 

“Kaidan seems nice,” she said, changing the subject.

 

“He is.” John's eyes darted around the room, settling on his husband, who was currently dancing with Liara. Kaidan gave him a nod of encouragement, and John sighed. “He's the best person I've ever known.”

 

“I'm happy for you.”

 

“Thank you,” he said gruffly. “Look, we can dance, but if you're not going to tell me what I want to know, then I'd appreciate it if you would just dance silently... and leave when we're finished. This... this is supposed to be a happy night for me and Kaidan, and... your presence is making that... difficult.”

 

“I understand. I... I would love the chance to explain things to you, but... I don't feel that this is the best setting. Could we meet for coffee tomorrow?”

 

“Kaidan and I are going away for two weeks in the morning. And I'm starting my new job the day we get back, so... it's now or never.”

 

“New job?”

 

“I'm not at liberty to say just yet.”

 

“I understand. Perhaps when the party is over?”

 

“Fine. We're in the penthouse across the street.” The song ended, and he made a bee line for the bar. Kaidan caught up to him as he was downing his second double whiskey.

 

“How did it go?”

 

“She's coming to our room after the party to talk.”

 

“That's good, John. At least you will have answers.”

 

“Yeah...” He looked at Kaidan and smiled. “Can I smoosh some cake in your face now?”

 

“Only if you promise to lick it off.”

 

“I'll lick you anywhere you want, General,” he murmured, leaning in for a kiss.

 

They fed each other cake again, and John finally began to appreciate the tradition as they kissed the frosting off each others lips. Kate shooed them away from the cake table before they embarrassed themselves – and her. Afterward, Admiral Anderson stood to make a toast.

 

“The first time I ever met John Shepard was after the Skyllian Blitz. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him that he was no ordinary soldier. We slapped a medal on his ass and shipped him off to the Villa, and I requested him as my XO when they gave me command of the Normandy. I met Kaidan at the biotics training core and recommended him for officer training. He was the perfect combination of hard working, loyal, and obedient, but he never had any trouble calling a superior out when they weren't toeing the line. I requested him for the Normandy, too. Little did I know what that would lead to. We were all a lot younger and a hell of a lot more naive back then.” He paused, drawing a few steadying breaths. “These two men have been to hell and back in a way that most others will never understand, and I've watched them over the years as their relationship grew from that of commander and subordinate, to comrades in arms, to best of friends, to eventually lovers, to now husbands – which is kind of a damned miracle considering how stubborn these two jackasses can be,” he paused while the crowd laughed, and John and Kaidan smiled at each other before brushing their lips together. “They've had each others backs and carried each others burdens, and I'm damn proud to call them my friends. To John and Kaidan and to many, many years of happiness together.”

 

They all sipped their glasses of champagne to a chorus of _here, here's_ , and John leaned over to peck his husband on the lips before taking to the stage himself. “So, those of you who've served under me know I like to make speeches,” he began, garnering him groans from his former crew. He grinned, “Come on, you know you love my speeches,” He looked at Kaidan and smiled again, “Kaidan didn't know I was going to do this, and he's giving me the look he always does right before I charge off into a hail of bullets while he's cussing me for all I'm worth!” Everyone laughed, including Kaidan, “Anyway, I'm not really going to make a speech. I just wanted to say,” he paused to draw a deep breath. “Most people have heard that I grew up as an orphan on the streets of New York,” he purposely avoided looking at Hannah Beckett, focusing on Kaidan instead. “What you don't know is just how shitty my life was until I enlisted in the Alliance. I worked my ass off because I was good at it, and the work made me feel good about myself. Something that had never happened to me before. I didn't aspire to become the person I am today. I just wanted to be a marine,” he stopped again, taking another breath then looking into Kaidan's eyes. “I never had a family before Kaidan. He was the first person to ever love me and to make me feel like I was worthy to be loved. I guess I owe a thank you to Anderson, because we may not have ever met if not for him,” he took another pause to swipe his misty eyes with the backs of his hands. When he looked back at the crowd, he smiled again, “It has recently come to my attention, that people view me as a hard-assed bastard,” the crowd laughed, and he saw Annette bury her face against Brad's shoulder, “but... I hope I can lay that image to rest tonight. Kaidan, I love you, and I'll forever be grateful that you took a chance on me. And I want to do something to show you just how much you mean to me.”

 

John took a seat at the piano that graced the stage, a baby grand, and Kaidan couldn't begin to imagine where the thing could have come from. Shepard smiled at his husband once more before drawing a deep breath, then started to play. When he began singing, Kaidan forgot that anyone existed in the world except for him and John and the gorgeous music he was playing. The words were as beautiful as the melody, and more meaningful because Kaidan knew that they came straight from his husband's heart.

 

_Have I told you lately that I love you_  
Have I told you there's no one above you  
Fill my heart with gladness  
Take away my sadness  
Ease my troubles, that's what you do  
  
Oh the morning sun in all its glory  
Greets the day with hope and comfort too  
And you fill my life with laughter  
You can make it better  
Ease my troubles that's what you do  
  
There's a love that's divine  
And it's yours and it's mine  
Like the sun at the end of the day  
We should give thanks and pray to the One 

_Have I told you lately that I love you_  
Have I told you there's no one above you  
Fill my heart with gladness  
Take away my sadness  
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Shepard sings is Have I Told You Lately, written by Scott Wiseman, performed by Van Morrison. And it's very important that you go with the Van Morrison version because it just blows the other versions out of the water! :) The link for the video is below. 
> 
> https://youtu.be/J789GId1kaY
> 
> Thanks for reading and for all the comments and kudos! 
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hannah Beckett tells her story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting down to the short rows now. Only a few chapters left! It is bittersweet for me, because I've loved this story and these dweebs so very much. Thanks to everyone who has commented and left kudos! They are precious to me! :) 
> 
> Trigger warnings apply for this chapter - all the yucky things in the tags. Mentions of rape, drug use, underage prostitution, abuse. There is nothing graphic or explicit, however.

The air was tense in the elevator on the way up to their hotel room, and Kaidan watched the nerve ticking in his husband's jaw. Stepping in front of the man and pulling him into his arms, Kaidan kissed him, soft and sweet. “That song was beautiful,” he murmured. “You... you amaze me every day. I feel like the luckiest man alive.”

 

Shepard sighed but flashed the tiniest of smiles before brushing his lips against Kaidan's once more. “You're not. You're stuck dealing with me, remember? I'm the luckiest man alive.”

 

“I hope I'm dealing with you for another hundred years at least,” Kaidan said quietly.

 

“I don't plan on going anywhere.”

 

Once back in their suite, Shepard's agitation increased exponentially. They shed their tuxedo jackets and ties and undid the top buttons on their shirts, and Kaidan poured them drinks while John prowled the room like a caged animal. When the door buzzed, Shepard jumped, and Kaidan hadn't seen the man that nervous since the day they'd killed Big Tommy. Kaidan kissed him quickly and went to open the door. Hannah Beckett was standing alone on the other side.

 

“Come in Rear Admiral,” Kaidan said.

 

“Please, call me Hannah.”

 

With a quick nod and a thin smile, he ushered her into the room. John watched her with hawk-like sharpness. “Can I get you a drink?” he asked in his _Commander voice_.

 

“That would be nice. Do you have gin and tonic?”

 

Shepard grunted in the affirmative and turned to pour the drink, willing his hands not to shake. He passed it to her, and took a seat on the couch beside Kaidan.

 

Hannah sipped her drink and looked at Kaidan. “I was hoping we could speak... alone.”

 

John put a hand on his husband's shoulder when he made to stand. “Anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Kaidan. He'll just find it out as soon as you leave anyway, and... I want him here.”

 

Hannah just nodded and drew in a shaky breath. “Where shall I start?”

 

“At the beginning,” John snapped. “Who the hell are you? And what the hell are you doing here?”

 

She finished her drink and stood pacing back and forth in front of the men. Kaidan couldn't help but notice how much she was like John at the moment. “You have every right to be angry with me, John... Shepard. I don't blame you, and honestly, I'm surprised you are even giving me this chance, so... thank you. My name was Hannah Shepard. I was a music student at the New York Conservatory,” she paused to smile at him. “I'm glad to know you inherited some of my musical ability. Your song was beautiful.”

 

“Thank you,” Shepard said, voice a little less harsh.

 

“My parents weren't wealthy, but... they were well off. Well respected in the community. When I was fourteen, I was walking home from class one day and...” she paused as tears spilled down her cheeks. Kaidan offered her a tissue, which she took. “I was attacked. I didn't see him. He was wearing a mask, but... he dragged me into an alley, and...” She stopped to cry some more, trying to regain her composure.

 

“It's okay,” John said softly. “You don't need to say any more about that.”

 

“Thank you. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was seven months along. I... hadn't started having a monthly yet, so I didn't know that I was missing them. I was complaining to my mother one day about how none of my clothes fit anymore. I hadn't told anyone what had happened. When my parents found out, they demanded that I get an abortion, but... I just couldn't go through with it.” She sat down heavily.

 

“Would you like another drink, Hannah,” Kaidan asked, voice low and soothing.

 

“Yes, please.” They sat in silence until she had her drink and brought it to her mouth with trembling hands. Shepard moved closer to her and took her free hand in his, waiting until she was ready to speak again. “They kicked me out of the house. I lost my scholarship to the school. I... didn't have anywhere to go, and I had no idea what to do. I lived on the streets. I did what I had to in order to eat. You... understand what I mean?” She paused and looked at John, who closed his eyes and nodded. He knew all too well. “After you were born, I tried so hard to keep you. I... In the hospital, they were going to put us both in foster care, but we would have been separated. I couldn't stand the thought of that, so I took your birth certificate, and sneaked us both out of the hospital. It didn't take me long to realize that I'd made a mistake. I couldn't make a living the way I had been. A screaming, starving baby tends to drive customers away,” she laughed bitterly. “You were dying, and I panicked. I... wanted more than anything else to keep you, John,” she said looking at him, eyes begging him to believe her. “But I couldn't just sit there and watch you die. I should have gone to the hospital and turned us both in. It would have been better. You would have been placed in foster care and had a family, but that's not what I did. I was young and didn't know any better. I left you on the hospital steps thinking that they would find you and you would be fine. I had no idea that....” She broke down sobbing. “I'm so sorry, John. I'll never forgive myself. I'm...”

 

John moved to kneel in front of her, drawing her into his arms. “It's okay,” he soothed. “It's okay.”

 

She cried until her tears soaked through his shirt and undershirt, then sat up to scrub her eyes with the backs of her hands. “I turned to drugs and prostitution. The drugs to deal with the pain of losing you. The prostitution to pay for my habit. One night, I met a marine, Max Jones. I thought he was the most wonderful thing I'd ever met. We hit it off. He didn't know what I was. I told him if he'd marry me I'd join the Alliance and we could travel the galaxy together. It all seemed so romantic and more than a girl like me could possibly hope for. So we married and I enlisted. Turns out he wasn't as great as I thought. He beat me for years before I finally left him.” She sniffled, wiping her face with the tissues Kaidan kept passing her.

 

“I'd just made Lieutenant Commander when the Skyllian Blitz happened. When I heard the name, I watched and read every bit of news that I could trying to find out more about you. I thought it was too much to hope for. I thought that you looked a little like me, but then, it just seemed so foolish to think that the baby I had left on the hospital steps could have grown up to be a marine. Such a well-accomplished one at that. So, I sat back and watched and waited to see what would happen, or if I could find out any more about you. Then they made you a Spectre, and that was the first time that I'd heard that you were an orphan in New York, and I thought that it was just too much of a coincidence. After the Battle of the Citadel, I took a leave of absence and went to the station. I wanted to talk to you. I found out where you were staying, and I waited and watched for you to come. I saw the two of you walking hand in hand, and you were so wrapped up in each other and obviously in love that I... maybe it was just an excuse, but I just couldn't bring myself to intrude on you. You looked so... happy. You died a month later, and I thought... I'd missed my chance to see if you were really my son.”

 

John stood and began to pace then. He was torn. The woman had obviously been through hell, but so had he. He scrubbed a frustrated hand down his face. “So... my source said that you started trying to hack into my files,” he prompted.

 

Hannah nodded, “Nothing classified. I just wanted to see if I could find any details that would give me a clear answer. When you came back and worked for Cerberus, the rumor mill was in full swing, but the things people were saying were so outlandish, I couldn't believe anything that was said. After they arrested you, I went to the prison every week but could never work up the courage to see if they would let me in. Instead I would hover around outside. When the reapers hit, I decided that if we were both still alive after the war I wouldn't let anything stop me from finding you and talking to you. I started hacking your files hoping to be caught so that it would force a confrontation between us. I don't know why you didn't find out until now, but when I saw that wasn't working, I requested transfer to Hackett's command hoping that eventually something like tonight would happen and we would end up at the same place at the same time.”

 

John slumped onto the couch beside Kaidan and stared up at the ceiling. “I don't know what I was expecting you to say,” he admitted, “but that wasn't it.”

 

“I'm sorry, John,” she whispered.

 

“Don't be. It wasn't your fault, was it? Seems like we were both just dealt a shit hand.”

 

“I suppose so. Can I ask you what happened to you?”

 

“I'm gonna need more booze.” He stood and crossed the room, pouring all of them a fresh drink. It was his turn to pace. He started at the beginning and told her how Raina had seen her putting him on the hospital steps and kidnapped him. He told her about the Reds and Big Tommy and how he'd been raped and pimped out until his biotics manifested themselves at age fifteen at which time he'd become the muscle behind the gang even though he'd been forced to commit murders prior to that. He told her about his chance meeting with Corporal Fields and how Big Tommy had killed the man for taking John away from him. They talked until the wee hours of the morning, and he told her about how he and Kaidan had met and fallen in love and about becoming a Spectre and the Collectors and everything that had happened since. She told him that she'd met Stan a few years after her divorce, and that he had two half-siblings, a brother and a sister, Shaun and Amelia. John told her about Brinley and that they were expecting a baby in six months time. By the end of the night, they were all emotionally drained and officially cried out.

 

Hannah left with the promise that she would be in touch again soon, and when they were alone, John collapsed onto the sofa again. “What the fuck? Why does the galaxy hate me?”

 

Kaidan didn't answer because he knew it was a rhetorical question. Instead he pulled John into his arms, holding him tightly as they both tried to get their thoughts in order. He wasn't sure how Shepard would want to proceed from here, but he did know that nothing would be resolved tonight. “Why don't we go get a shower?” he suggested, knowing it would help them both relax.

 

“Are you finally going to make good on your promises to me from earlier?”

 

“You even have to ask?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed. None of the rest of the chapters are this bad. It's mostly smooth sailing from here on out! :) 
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and Kaidan run into someone unexpected.

Shepard decided he loved Viti Levu – a small island tucked away in the South Pacific – and if it weren't for Brinley, he'd never want to leave. In fact, he'd already suggested more than once that they go get her, buy a house, and stay there forever in relative peace and seclusion. Because it was a resort area, it had been virtually untouched by the reapers. The sands were white and the water was clear as crystal. Kaidan kept him lavishly supplied with fruity drinks sporting umbrellas, and he was so content he had stopped complaining hours ago about the white swim trunks with purple flowers that Kaidan had bought for him and insisted he wear. He lay back on a beach chair sipping his drink and gazing out over the water. A fresh breeze cooled the sweat on his body as soon as it appeared, and he'd finally started getting some color back in his pallid skin. Life was good.

 

Reaching his hand out, it was immediately filled with his husband's, fingers intertwining. “I'm happy,” he said casually.

 

“Good,” Kaidan replied. “Me too. This is pretty great, right?”

 

It was pretty great. He forcibly crushed any thoughts of how quickly the time would fly by and they'd be pushed back into the realm of politics and post-war rebuilding efforts. They still had two whole weeks before they even had to think about that. “Want to go out for dinner tonight, or order room service?”

 

Kaidan was quiet for a minute. “Let's go out. I bought you a flowery shirt to wear.”

 

“What is your obsession with flowery apparel?”

 

“We're in the Islands. We're expected to dress like this.”

 

Shepard humphed, “Since when have we ever done what was expected of us?”

 

“Maybe you haven't.”

 

John smiled and looked out across the water again. This place was truly a paradise. “Fine, I'll wear your damn flowery shirt.”

 

“And I'm sure you'll look damn sexy in it, too.”

 

“Let's go swimming!” He jumped up and sprinted toward the water, dragging his husband behind him. Shepard hit the water at full throttle, splashing them both soundly. The cool water on their sun warm skin felt like being dashed with ice, and Kaidan protested. John simply laughed and tackled him under the water. They both came up spluttering and laughing, and Shepard secretly wished that they could do this every single day for the rest of their lives. They played for an hour or more trying to dunk or drag the other under the water before Shepard gave out of energy and took to floating on the water's surface, nearly lulled to sleep by the unusually gentle waves. Kaidan looked him over for any signs that he'd overexerted himself. John was getting stronger everyday, but it would still be awhile before he was at a hundred percent again. He took in the view before him. Shepard lay on top of the water, skin pink from too much sun exposure and glittering with water droplets, chest heaving slightly as he caught his breath from their roughhousing – he looked damn good.

 

“Enjoying the view, General?”

 

“As a matter of fact, I am.” Kaidan casually stood watching guard over Shepard while he floated in the water, afraid that he would drift away or something. He wasn't sure. Sometimes he still had a hard time wrapping his mind around the fact that it was over – the reapers were dead – and he and John were still here, living out the dreams that they'd discussed when all they'd had was an almost vain hope that they would live to see this day. He let himself go boneless, holding on to Shepard's hand and floating along beside him.

 

“It feels good, doesn't it?” Shepard asked.

 

“Yeah... it does.”

 

**

 

They were both dressed in flowery shirts – Shepard's was white with red flowers, Kaidan's blue with white – and linen pants and sandals when they arrived at the beach side restaurant. They were seated immediately though they didn't have a reservation and there were other guests waiting before them. Shepard tried explaining that they didn't mind waiting their turn, but the manager had insisted much to the Savior of the Galaxy's frustration. He murmured apologies to the people who were waiting to be seated, but no one seemed to be put out by the fact that the first two human Spectres were taking their seats. Quite the opposite, in fact. They made their way through the ever increasing crowd, shaking hands and accepting tearful hugs and heartfelt gratitude from everyone they passed. They hadn't even seen the menu yet, when four drinks arrived at their table – sent over by various patrons. The husbands nodded their thanks to each person and tried to focus on ordering and each other.

 

“Think people will ever get tired of doing stuff like this?” John asked, sipping his latest version of fruity alcohol with umbrellas. “Damn that's sweet,” he said trying not to grimace.

 

“I don't know,” Kaidan said thoughtfully. “They're grateful. I get that. It's kind of nice.”

 

“I guess. You know I don't like the attention, though.”

 

“Then you shouldn't have saved the galaxy three times.” Kaidan's expression was warm and amused.

 

“You worked just as hard as I did.”

 

“No I didn't. It was all you, Shepard, and you know it.”

 

“Shepard?” John questioned with a smirk. Kaidan almost never called him that anymore.

 

“John,” he smiled. “Love you.”

 

“Love you, too.”

 

“Kaidan Alenko?” They both glanced up to see a beautiful dark-skinned woman standing above them, black hair flowing softly over her shoulders. A nervous expression clouded her features as her dark eyes flitted over Kaidan's face.

 

“Rahna?”

 

“Wow! What on Earth are you doing here?”

 

Kaidan stood and awkwardly embraced the woman. “Uh... I'm on my honeymoon. Rahna, this is my husband, John-”

 

“Commander Shepard!”

 

“Nice to meet you, Rahna. Though, it's Admiral, now.”

 

“Right. Sorry. It's so nice to meet you. I guess you get tired of hearing it, but... I'm so grateful for everything you did. Uh... both of you,” she said looking back at Kaidan.

 

“We were happy to do what we could,” John said modestly.

 

“So, honeymoon? Congratulations! I had no idea.”

 

Kaidan laughed. “Have you been hiding under a rock? I thought everyone knew. It's been all over the news for months.”

 

“We were fighting on the front lines near London,” she said sadly. “Not much news got through.”

 

Both men nodded in understanding. “Well, why don't you join us?” Shepard asked.

 

“Oh, my husband is over there,” she pointed across the room to a man in Alliance BDU's. “We're actually on our honeymoon, too.”

 

“Bring him over,” Shepard insisted.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

John looked at Kaidan who shrugged. “Absolutely.”

 

Rahna and her husband, Dominic Velasquez, joined them, and they all traded their war stories. Dominic seemed to be so in awe of Shepard that he had a hard time concentrating on his meal or the conversation. John kept casting looks of disbelief at the man and trying to keep from rolling his eyes. Rahna for her part kept glancing nervously at Kaidan, who didn't seem to have any apprehensions about the woman's presence. John and Kaidan ended up carrying most of the conversation. Rahna told them that she'd worked to provide biotic support for one of the front line squads in London. She'd met her husband during that time, and they'd only just married last weekend.

 

“Well, congratulations!” Shepard said. “That deserves a toast.” He motioned the waiter over and told him to bring them their best bottle of champagne, happy for an excuse to ditch the syrupy drinks he'd been served all night. The waiter scurried away like a first year private under orders. “We actually got married during the war, but this is the first chance we've had to get away,” he explained. The champagne came and John made a toast to the newlyweds, who blushed under the attention of Commander Shepard. John looked to Kaidan who shrugged again. This was just weird.

 

“This is awkward,” Rahna said at last. “I'm sorry. Kaidan, I... just wanted to say that... well, I always regretted how I treated you at the end of BaaT. I'm sorry.”

 

“Well, I won't pretend it was easy at the time, but... I'm not going to complain about how things turned out.” He looked at John and smiled. “I'm happy. You're happy. We're all adults here, and there's no reason we can't enjoy a meal and some good conversation together.” After that Rahna and her husband seemed to relax, and the evening went much more smoothly.

 

When dinner was over, they said their goodbyes, and John and Kaidan went for a moonlit walk along the beach, hand in hand. “Sorry,” Kaidan murmured.

 

“What for?”

 

“For that. It was weird.”

 

“I guess it was my fault. I shouldn't have asked her to join us. I just thought you might want to catch up with her.”

 

“Yeah... that was good at least. I haven't thought about her since our talks on the SR-1. Had other distractions pushing those thoughts out,” he grinned, squeezing Shepard's hand.

 

“Well, you did love her once. I don't begrudge you that. I feel pretty confident that I have you all to myself now.”

 

Kaidan stopped and pulled his husband into his arms. “Damn right you do. Funny thing about thinking you're in love when you're a teenager is that... you just have no idea what that really means. I guess I loved her as much as a seventeen year old kid is capable of that emotion, but this,” he rested his hand on John's chest, fingers automatically seeking out the heart-shaped scar under his shirt and tracing it, “this is the real deal, and I have absolutely no regrets.” He slid his hand up Shepard's chest and around to the back of his neck, pulling him to his lips. John gripped his hips and pulled him flush against his body, letting their lips slide together, warm and tender.

 

“I love you, Kaidan.”

 

“I love you, too, John.”

 

“Let's go back to the room,” Shepard said, dipping to place light bites all along Kaidan's neck. “And tomorrow night, we're ordering room service.”

 

**

 

“John!” Brinley's toothless smile filled the viewscreen, and he and Kaidan both laughed.

 

“Hey, kiddo! Are you having fun?”

 

“Mmhm,” she nodded enthusiastically. “Kate let me help her bake cookies today. Oatmeal raisin. I like the chocolate ones better, but she didn't have any chocolate chips.”

 

“Well, oatmeal raisin are still pretty good. What else did you do today?”

 

“I built a snowman with Tom! He even gave me a hat and a scarf for him. I named him George.”

 

“George, huh?”

 

Brinley nodded and continued telling them about her day. He and Kaidan had been trying to teach her to read before they left, and Kate was keeping up her daily lessons. However, most of her time was spent outdoors running and climbing trees. Kaidan said it reminded him of when he was a boy and they'd visit his grandparents at the orchard. His grandma was always letting him help bake some treat or another, and his grandpa was always taking him on outdoor adventures. They talked to her for close to an hour before she started yawning, but she wouldn't let them out of the call until John read her a bedtime story. They didn't know if the girl had loved books before she'd met them or if it was something new they'd introduced her to, but her appetite for stories was almost as great as Shepard's own.

 

The light in John's eyes as he read the first chapter of King of the Golden River – complete with different voices for each character – was telling of just how much he looked forward to this ritual every night. The way Brinley bounced in Tom's lap as she listened to her adoptive father read was something that Kaidan would treasure for the rest of his life. She promised to draw them a picture of the _little old gentleman_ to show them the next night, and John promised that he would read the next chapter tomorrow.

 

When the call ended, John fell onto the bed, sighing happily. Kaidan laughed. “Enjoying yourself?”

 

“Not as much as I could be.” His grin was mischievous as he sat up to grab Kaidan around the waist and haul him down on the bed with him. Nimble fingers made quick work of buttons and snaps as lips tasted and explored. Anticipation filled him, just as sharp and burning as it had been their very first time together on Noveria what seemed like eons ago. Life had shifted and changed in ways they'd never dreamed possible, but this hadn't – the way they moved so flawlessly together, the way every kiss and touch was divine. They came in unison with gasping breaths and murmured I love you's, and John was more than happy to wind up cradled in his husband's arms, feeling Kaidan's supple lips on the back of his neck. The crashing of the waves outside, the cool breeze blowing through their open cottage windows, Kaidan's warm breath against his shoulder, all dragged him toward sleep and blessedly peaceful dreams, and his last waking thought was of just how much he wanted to stay right here forever.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book John reads to Brinley is called King of the Golden River by John Ruskin (available for free on gutenberg.org). It's a perfectly lovely children's story that I read to my kids last year, and they loved it. :) "The little old gentleman" is a character from the story. 
> 
> Thanks for all your comments, etc! I enjoy them all so much! 
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John says goodbye to an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get your hankies ready.

John fidgeted nervously all during the flight back to Vancouver. The honeymoon was officially over, and he wasn't ready. Kaidan kept saying that the time would come when he'd be ready to get back to work, but the war had been over for seven months, and he still didn't want to. He and Kaidan had started jogging every morning in an effort to rebuild their health and strength, so physically he was feeling better and better all the time. He had feared that the things he'd seen and done during the last four years would have seriously fucked with his mind, but even there, he seemed to be doing fine. He'd passed every psych eval that Chakwas had subjected him to, and the one he'd undergone before they left for their honeymoon. The new Council wanted to make sure that he was mentally sound before officially offering him the position. His nightmares had all but stopped, coming so rarely that they weren't even a blip on the radar anymore. And despite the horrors he'd seen, he just felt so relieved to not be living under that constant strain anymore that he'd never felt freer or happier in his life.

 

All that was bound to change when he threw himself into the political realm. He was in his element on the battlefield. Politicians had always made his blood pressure soar, and he began to wonder just what in the actual fuck he'd been thinking when he'd told Hackett that he'd take this damned job. He huffed for what had to be the fifteenth time since the shuttle had lifted off.

 

Cortez was still acting as Shepard's personal chauffeur. John couldn't honestly say he minded though. When he got back, he'd not only be sworn in as the new human Councilor, he'd be officially stepping down from command of the Normandy and passing the reigns to the newly minted Lieutenant Commander James Vega.

 

His stomach twisted in a knot. Not because he wanted to maintain command of the ship – Jacob Taylor was a fucking idiot who didn't know what the hell he was talking about if he honestly believed that the Normandy was Shepard's first love. He'd been proud as hell to be in command of his own vessel, and he had many wonderful memories. The honest truth, though, was that the Normandy represented one of the most trying times of his entire life. This life now... this was what it was all about. Lazy days with his husband. Family dinners. Double dates with cousins. A curly haired little girl who insisted on sleeping between him and Kaidan most nights. This was what he'd always wanted out of life and never realized until he had it.

 

When this shuttle touched down it would all be over.

 

**

 

Kaidan watched John pull the collar of his dress blues for what had to be the fifteenth time since take off while simultaneously sighing loudly. He wasn't ready for this, and judging from Shepard's antsy behavior, neither was his husband. The last month had been heaven, and when they landed in Vancouver, it would all be over.

 

He was taking a position on the Defense Committee at HQ. Until they had the resources to build a new space station to replace the Citadel, the Council chambers would be housed within Alliance HQ. At least he and John would be working in the same building for awhile. When the space station was complete – to be fair, construction hadn't even begun yet – they would have to reevaluate.

 

Brinley would stay with his parents during the day while they worked. But baby Ashley would be here in just five short months, and their lives would change drastically. Kaidan had already been doing research into hiring a nanny to care for both girls while he and John were at work. And given the nature of John's job, Kaidan would be bearing the brunt of the household work, too. He didn't think he would mind though. Admittedly, John was a better cook, but Kaidan had a few tricks up his sleeve in the kitchen as well. Anyway, they'd figure it out as they went along. Trial and error. That was part of the fun of building a life together.

 

John was also giving up the Normandy. They'd talked about it at length. John knew it was time, but that didn't make it any less bittersweet. It just seemed like everything they knew – had become accustomed to in the last seven months was being flipped on it's head. It was dizzying.

 

Kaidan reached out to take John's hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. In turn, John gave him an appreciative glance. “It's going to work out, John. You'll see.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

They were silent for the rest of the journey.

 

**

 

Shepard stepped off the shuttle to be greeted by a squealing Brinley running up and throwing herself into his arms. “I missed you,” she shouted.

 

“We missed you, too,” Shepard assured her. Though they'd spoken to her every morning and night via vid comm, as they'd agreed before they left, there was nothing like holding her in his arms and feeling her little lips against his cheek. Kaidan picked her up when John released her, and she wrapped her arms around his neck in an almost choking embrace.

 

“I think you got stronger while we were gone,” he teased, and Brinley giggled at him, planting a kiss on his cheek as well. “Go back over with Kate alright,” Kaidan told her. “We'll see you in a few minutes.”

 

Brinley nodded her head and hugged them both again, before running back to where Kate was waiting. Shepard looked up to see Admirals Hackett and Anderson smiling at them fondly. He cleared his throat and snapped to attention, saluting both men.

 

“You look good, Shepard,” Anderson said, chuckling and thrusting his hand into the younger Admiral's.

 

“Guess plenty of sun, sex, and booze was good for me,” John joked.

 

“No doubt,” the older man said with a laugh. “The Normandy is ready. They're just awaiting your arrival.”

 

“Let's get it done then.”

 

They were greeted at the airlock by a news crew, who'd no doubt already submitted a clip of their reunion with Brinley for broadcast. He supposed he needed to get used to the fact that every detail of his life was going to be headline news for the rest of his life. He wouldn't be surprised to see a lifestyle piece about his and Kaidan's favorite brand of lube at this point. That's how ridiculous it had gotten. They'd managed to make it three days into their honeymoon before the reporters had found them. After that they'd spent more time indoors, because every time they set foot outside they were accosted.

 

John ignored the reporters, knowing that they would follow him into the ship. Once inside, all his old crew were lined up offering salutes as he passed. He held his head high and carried himself with the quiet confidence that had inspired these people to kick the reapers to hell in the first place, smirking as he walked past. He was fucking proud of every, single, damned one of them.

 

The relays weren't repaired yet, but the Normandy would be leaving that afternoon to take Garrus back to Palaven. The crew were going on a search and discover mission, and they could be gone for a year or more. Tali was staying on Earth with the quarian fleet. In the event that they got the Charon relay working, the quarians and geth were going to take their chances and try to get back to Rannoch. It was a sad day for his friends, but John sensed that Garrus and Tali had always known this day would come. There had never been any doubt that Tali would go back to her people or that Garrus would step up into a leadership role. With Victus taking over the role of turian councilor, Garrus was the new Primarch of Palaven. John was damned proud of his friend even if he would miss the old buzzard, and Garrus would miss Ashley's birth. Liara was staying on Earth until the baby was born and the relays repaired so that the asari fleet could return to Thessia and begin the tedious process of rebuilding.

 

The Normandy was also carrying a contingent of geth engineers in the hopes that they could repair comm buoys as they made the trek back to Palaven. John was hopeful that he would soon be able to speak to his friends via comm link, at least.

 

Shepard stepped up to the galaxy map, and Joker patched him into the shipwide comm even though the entire crew were gathered in the CIC. “My friends,” he began, “it's been a hell of a ride. I couldn't be more proud of each and every one of you. Every person on this ship stepped up and did whatever was asked of you even when it was difficult. Even when you doubted your own abilities, know that I never doubted that you could accomplish everything that I asked, and you never once let me down. Also know that each of you are heroes. I didn't stop the reapers single-handedly. I could never have accomplished what I did without the people standing around me now. I thank you for always supporting me, and... I'm going to fucking miss you!” He smiled at them, then stepped down and turned to face Commander Vega.

 

Shepard stood at parade rest facing his friend, who mirrored his stance. “Commander, are you ready to take command of this ship?”

 

“Yes, Sir, Admiral Shepard, Sir!”

 

“The ship is yours.”

 

“I relieve you, Sir!” Vega said, voice cracking on the last syllable.

 

“I stand relieved.”

 

Vega offered him a crisp salute, which Shepard returned with a smile. “Always knew you had it in you, Vega. I know you won't let me down. Bring her back in one piece!”

 

“Aye, Sir!”

 

Shepard saluted and shook hands with or hugged every crew member on his way back out of the ship. Garrus waited by the airlock and hesitated for a moment. “We'll see each other soon,” John said.

 

“Yeah. Shepard...”

 

“Yeah. Goodbye, Garrus.”

 

Joker was the last person he said goodbye to, saluting his old friend. “Give 'em hell, Joker.”

 

“Aye, Sir! We'll be back before you know it!”

 

John nodded and left the ship with Kaidan right behind him. It was time, and Shepard knew it. It didn't make it any easier.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, commenting, and just generally encouraging me in this story. 
> 
> Much love to every one of you!  
> Elle


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the next phase begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These guys are such dorks, and I love them. :)

The swearing in ceremony for the new human Councilor was just as tedious as he imagined it would be. Shepard sat on the rostrum as his fellow councilmen droned on and on about the need to work together now more than ever in order to move forward into the future. At least he would be working with people he could tolerate. Wrex, Victus, Kirrahe, Koris... how bad could it be?

 

John gave a speech – succinct and to the point in comparison to the rest of the Councilors, other than Wrex of course – said his oath, then bowed to the crowd to thunderous applause. All the while he was wondering how quickly he could get out of there and get a drink. This had been a mistake. He sensed it deep in his gut, but there was no getting out of it now. Generally, Councilors retained their position for life, or until they were too feeble to continue. They could resign if they chose, but it was frowned upon and certainly not before one year of service. He'd been a Councilor for exactly five minutes and already wanted to resign. He tried desperately not to sigh. He barely had time to say goodbye to Kaidan and Brinley before he was whisked away and sequestered in private session for the rest of the day.

 

**

 

The day had already been emotionally taxing, and John would be fit to be tied by the time they let him out of the Council meeting. Kaidan already regretted encouraging him to take the position. He knew that if John would try to look at the positive side of things, he would be great at the job, but seeing his face as he sat on that rostrum, he knew that his husband was in agony.

 

Kaidan left the swearing in, having barely had time to kiss John goodbye, wish him luck on his first day, and pass Brinley back off to his mom, before he headed for the Defense Committee meeting. Hell, they would probably both be in sour moods when they got home.

 

For now, they were staying at the orchard with his parents, but they needed to do something to remedy that. Soon. It had been great spending so much time with them, but before they'd left for their honeymoon, it was apparent that it was becoming taxing for everyone.

 

It was hard for a grown man to live with his parents. The fact that his mom made sure to comment every, single, fucking time she overheard their lovemaking was not helping matters. John had taken it all in stride, but he'd proven during their honeymoon that he was looking forward to having their own space and not having to worry so much about being overheard. His insides flipped at the memories.

 

That was really a small thing though. They had a daughter now and would be bringing a new baby into their lives soon, and it wouldn't be fair to his parents. His dad was in poor health, never having recovered completely from his war injuries. Kaidan worried about him. It was obvious the man was fading away before their very eyes, and there wasn't a damned thing he could do about it. He just hoped the old man could hang on until Ashley was born. His mom was consumed with caring for her husband, and Kaidan understood that better than most. When the person you loved more than anything else in the world was suffering, you'd give up just about anything to be able to help them. That's how he'd felt about John, and he knew that John would do the same for him if the time ever came.

 

He was surprised to see the face of Hannah Beckett sitting around the committee table. John hadn't spoken of her at all during their honeymoon except to inform him that she'd sent him a message asking if they wanted to meet her and Stan for dinner when they returned from their trip. She had also mentioned that John's half siblings wanted to meet him. Kaidan wasn't sure how he felt about it all. Hearing her story had been heartbreaking, but her actions, regardless of her intent, had set John up for a world of hurt and torment. It wasn't so easy for either of them to just sweep that under the rug. John said he wanted to wait and think about it some more, and that was good enough for Kaidan. Evidently he was going to be working with the woman though, and that could get awkward quickly.

 

He listened to the reports of the rebuilding progress first. It wasn't this committee's purview, but the status of global repairs directly affected their ability to defend Earth from enemies both without and within. Ships had been straggling into the Sol system since the war had ended. Normandy's state of the art FTL drives made her the fastest ship in the galaxy, and it had taken her three months to get home. Other ships had been traveling for seven months and were just now getting back. There was some concern about batarian ships spotted hovering at the termination shock. Kaidan made a mental note to tell John. He supposed he should get used to the fact that his husband's life would always be in danger, but the more John knew, the better he could protect himself. The batarians would likely always want blood for Aratoht. There were also reports of Cerberus activity in Paris and Singapore. Fucking great! And they'd just sent the Normandy off with some of the best soldiers in the galaxy aboard. He wondered – not for the first time – if he shouldn't have taken a teaching position, training the next generation of biotic soldiers.

 

When the meeting ended, Hannah made a beeline for him, and he braced himself. Yep, definitely going to be awkward. “General Alenko-Shepard! I wasn't aware that you'd been assigned to the Defense Committee.”

 

“Rear Admiral,” Kaidan replied, shaking the woman's hand. “It's good to see you again. I guess you saw John's swearing in?”

 

“I did. I'm so proud of him.”

 

“So am I, ma'am.”

 

“Did you enjoy your honeymoon?”

 

“We did. It was nice to get away. We kind of hated coming back,” he chuckled. “We've been out of the loop for seven months now. While the Normandy was stranded, we were just working for day to day survival, then the three month journey back, followed by a month of leave... I'm afraid we've become very spoiled indeed.”

 

“I'm sure if anyone in the galaxy deserved to be spoiled it was the crew of the Normandy,” she said with a smile. “I sent John a message a week or so ago, but I never heard back from him. I don't suppose you know if he received it?”

 

“I couldn't say, ma'am.”

 

“I see.”

 

“Hannah... this is extremely difficult for John. Give him some time to process it, okay?”

 

“Of course. I guess I knew that it wouldn't be easy for us to just fall into a relationship like nothing ever happened, but I'd be lying if I said that somewhere deep inside I hadn't hoped for that.”

 

“I can understand that. I wish I could promise you that everything will work out fine, but... I honestly don't know where his head is regarding this. And now with his new responsibilities... Just be patient, okay? Don't give up on him.”

 

“Never. Come General, I'll show you to your new office.”

 

“Aye, ma'am.”

 

Kaidan followed Hannah to his office. It was small but tidy. He was introduced to his aide, Lieutenant Beverly Harris – an older woman with a severe haircut that did nothing to soften the hard edges of her face. She was friendly at least. Harris brought him a stack of datapads containing reports that needed his attention. Time to get to work.

 

**

 

John took a minute to use the restroom and get something to drink, then gnaw on a ration bar. Old habits died hard it seemed. They'd been in the meeting for hours before they'd finally decided to take a break. He was thankful he'd thought to bring the ration bars – or to be fair, that Kaidan had insisted he bring them. He'd have to remember to bring more tomorrow. His biotic metabolism wouldn't let him go without calories for too long or he'd be weak. During the war he'd survived without food for long stretches on pure adrenaline. Adrenaline was sorely lacking in his life at the moment. In fact, if something didn't change soon, he was in danger of falling asleep.

 

He punched the buttons on the vending machine and waited for his coffee while he chewed on the bar and pulled up his omni-tool, dialing the familiar number.

 

“Hey.” Kaidan's face popped up on the view screen.

 

“Hey, yourself. God you look good! We've spent nearly every minute together for the last seven months, and I have to say... this fucking sucks.”

 

Kaidan chuckled. “Yeah. So, guess who else is on the defense committee?” John shrugged. “Hannah Beckett.”

 

“Shit!”

 

“She spoke to me. Asked about you and whether you'd gotten that message she sent. I deflected.”

 

“Thank you. Not sure how I want to proceed there.”

 

“Understood. How's it going?”

 

“About like I expected. Mostly everyone is sitting around asking, 'what have you done for me lately?' The fleets are antsy to get home – not that I blame them. I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be throwing a fit to get home, too. It's just... the peace that I worked my ass off for was so fucking short lived. They're at each others throats in there like always.”

 

“I'm sorry, babe.”

 

“Babe?”

 

Kaidan shrugged. “Why not?”

 

“I like it... babe.” John smiled. “How did it take us this long to come up with a pet name?”

 

“I don't know,” Kaidan laughed. “Miss you.”

 

“Miss you. Did I mention that this sucks?”

 

“You might have.”

 

“Well... I don't have much time. Gotta get back in there. But... I have a surprise for you. Meet me at that restaurant on the corner this evening. I'll contact you when I'm done.”

 

“A surprise, huh?”

 

“Yeah... think you're going to love it. Love you!”

 

“Love you!”

 

“Gotta go, _babe_!”

 

Kaidan laughed again. “Alright, _babe_. Can't wait to see you tonight.”

 

“Ditto!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank y'all ever so much for all your kind words, comments, etc. :*
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John surprises Kaidan.

Kaidan waited at the bar round the corner for his husband, and his face broke into an enormous smile when he walked in. It felt like they'd been apart for years, though in fact it had only been about ten hours. Kaidan was exhausted. Looking at John it was obvious that the new human Councilor was as well. John leaned across the table to kiss his husband soundly and slid into the chair across from him before ordering a scotch on the rocks from the electronic menu on the table.

 

“Let's eat while we're here, huh? I'm starved,” John said.

 

“Sounds good.”

 

They took a minute to order some food and sipped their drinks while they waited filling each other in on the day's events. Most of what John had discussed in his meeting was classified, but since he was the human Councilor, he was the absolute top of the chain of command, so Kaidan didn't have to hide anything from him. John had learned of the batarians during his meeting, but not Cerberus. He had cursed violently when Kaidan told him about that.

 

“Guess I'm going to have to start wearing a shield generator and a sidearm,” he said sullenly. “Think they'd let me wear armor to the meetings?”

 

“Probably not,” Kaidan chuckled.

 

They talked through their meal, and the whole time, Kaidan sensed that John was excited about something, bouncing with some sort of pent up energy. Must be the surprise he'd mentioned, though Kaidan couldn't imagine what it would be that would have him this riled up. John paid their bill and hailed a cab.

 

“Where are we going?”

 

“You'll see,” Shepard said with a smirk, squeezing his husband's hand.

 

The cab ride only took about twenty minutes, and they exited the car in front of a stately looking house overlooking the English Bay. It wasn't his old childhood home, but it was similar, and only a few blocks away from where he'd grown up. “I bought it,” Shepard said quietly.

 

“You... It's ours?”

 

“Yep!”

 

“When the hell did you do this?”

 

“Before we left. What... ah, what do you think?”

 

“I think it looks amazing from the outside. Is it-”

 

“Ready to move in? Yep. I already had our things delivered, though your mom agreed to keep Brinley an extra night. She's going to bring her home in the morning so she can see the new place. Come on. Let's go inside.”

 

Kaidan was still in shock as Shepard palmed the door lock with his omni-tool. He looked around. The house was three stories with a wrap around porch on the middle floor. A sweeping staircase led to the second floor entry level. This side of the house overlooked the street that had already been repaired from the reaper attack. Many dignitaries and diplomats had purchased housing in this part of town. John had been given his pick of any available house in the neighborhood, and the paperwork had been rushed for the Savior of the Galaxy. There wasn't a lot of landscaping yet, but there was definitely potential. Part of him wanted to walk around to the side of the porch that faced the Bay, but by the time he thought of it, the door was sliding open.

 

To Kaidan's surprise, John whirled around and scooped him up in his arms carrying him through the door and setting him down again. “Really, John?”

 

Shepard grinned and shrugged, kissing his husband. “It's tradition, right?”

 

Kaidan laughed and kissed him again, deeper this time, drawing moans from the Councilor. “What about the tour?”

 

“I feel like we should just find the bedroom first,” he grinned, attacking Kaidan's mouth again, heat building between them.

 

“In a minute. Maybe I want to start down here.”

 

“I'm good with that, too.” Their lips met again, tongues sliding together like silk, and Kaidan found his hands wandering up to start undoing the buttons of John's jacket. “Mmm... I can't wait to have you naked, but... come on... I want to show you around.” They nipped at each others lips a few more times before John finally pulled away, taking Kaidan by the hand and leading him through the house.

 

The main floor was surprisingly open. The dining room was to the right of the doorway and a living area with a fireplace to the left. The kitchen was straight ahead with a sitting area overlooking the bay on the other side of it. The whole thing felt very open and relaxed, and it reminded him a little of their apartment on the Citadel. There were two bedrooms on this level, one on either side of the kitchen, each with their own private bathroom.

 

Downstairs were two offices facing each other, one for John and one for Kaidan for when they needed to work from home. Thankfully John had learned today that when the Council wasn't actually in session, he could work from home if he wanted to. That had been a relief for both of them. It would make things easier as far as childcare was concerned. There was also a gym and a nursery on this floor, and Kaidan couldn't help but grin. It seemed his husband had thought of everything.

 

The top floor contained two more bedrooms – the master and one for Brinley – with another sitting area overlooking the Bay between the two. Kaidan loved it. John took him by the hand into the master bedroom and showed him the little nursery that was attached. “I didn't have it decorated,” he said, sheepishly, wrapping his arms around Kaidan's waist and resting his chin on the man's shoulder. “I thought we could do that together.”

 

“John, I... This is amazing. It's perfect, and I love it.” Kaidan turned in his husband's arms and brought their lips together again. “How in the hell did you manage to keep this a surprise?”

 

“I have my ways,” Shepard said with a smirk. “You really like it?” Kaidan just kissed his husband again, tongue slipping along the juncture of John's lips and gliding inside when his husband opened to him. John slid his hands up and made quick work of the buttons on Kaidan's jacket, pushing it over the older man's shoulders before running his hands around the man's back and down to grip his ass, pulling their hips together. “I'm going to take that as a yes,” he mumbled against Kaidan's lips.

 

They took their time undressing each other, fingers roaming over familiar lines of muscle and smooth planes of skin. Each new patch of skin revealed was lavished with reverent attention, and by the time the were naked, they were both trembling with need. Kaidan gripped his husband by the hips and guided him gently toward the bed, following him down smoothly as John lay back on the mattress. “I love you, John,” he murmured, shifting his body so that their cocks were rubbing together, drawing lascivious moans from his husband. Kaidan nuzzled against the stubbly beard that Shepard perpetually kept. He only shaved it off approximately every four days, unless it was a special occasion. Evidently relinquishing command of the Normandy and taking the position of human Councilor didn't rate a fresh shave. Kaidan didn't care, he loved the scratchy feel of his husband's beard against his skin.

 

His lips found purchase on the smooth expanse of John's neck, and the younger man tilted his head back to grant his husband more access. He was rewarded with a series of light nips and licks and sucks from his jaw to his collarbone, culminating with a hickey being sucked just under the protruding bone – always careful that it would be hidden by clothing. John chuckled. “Everyone knows we're having sex now, Kaidan. You don't have to hide it.”

 

“Don't you think it would be bad press to go to work with a hickey on your neck?” Kaidan grinned down at his husband, amber eyes shining with love and desire.

 

“Probably, but ask me if I give a damn,” Shepard laughed. Kaidan captured his lips again, sucking the bottom one into his mouth, and John groaned loudly, gripping his husband's ass and grinding their erections together. “I want you inside me,” he moaned.

 

“Lube?”

 

“Still in my bag. Should be inside the closet.” John sat up on his elbows to watch his husband cross the room. Damn he was one lucky bastard. Despite the months of little activity, Kaidan was still all lean muscle covered with golden skin, and that ass was just perfect. Before the older man could get back to the bed, John was out of it, kneeling behind his husband and sinking his teeth into said ass. Kaidan groaned as John bit and licked the soft mounds of flesh, the younger man's hand snaking around to take hold of his husband's hardened cock.

 

“Thought you wanted me inside you?”

 

“I do, but... damn, I just couldn't resist.”

 

Kaidan chuckled breathlessly as John stood slowly, kissing a trail up the older man's spine and to his shoulders. He kissed across the broad expanse from one side to the other, wrapping his arms around his waist and guiding them back toward the bed. Kaidan spun in his husband's arms and turned them so John's back was toward the bed, pushing him down roughly before climbing up to spread himself out over Shepard's naked body. They got lost in passionate kisses, forgetting what they had planned to be doing, but that was okay with both of them. They had time now to take it slow, to let the heat build.

 

During the war there had been so little time to savor these moments, to just get lost in each others caress, in the press of lips on lips. Mostly it had been hard and rough and fast and desperate, clinging for dear life to what fleeting moments they could find, searching for release, and hoping to god it wouldn't be the last time. Now they just wanted to play and explore, and because they'd fought so damn hard for it, they did.

 

Kaidan ghosted his fingers up John's side, the tickling sensation drawing what could almost be called a giggle from the Savior of the Galaxy. He grinned against Shepard's neck, relishing the lightness of the sound. He'd only heard it on rare occasions before the war ended, now he wanted to hear it every day – multiple times a day. They'd earned it. Earned this lazy exploration with lips and tongues and finger tips. Earned the breathy moans and giggles and the heated kisses.

 

“Love you, Kaidan,” John breathed.

 

“Love you, babe.”

 

Shepard grinned again. He really did like that, and it seemed absurd that they'd never thought of it before. Then again, they were both still a little dense when it came to the whole relationship thing, and they'd both been too serious when the war was raging. They'd had to be. He rocked his hips against Kaidan's, drawing a hiss of pleasure from his husband. “Come on, Kaidan,” he said, pressure beginning to build to uncomfortable levels. “I need you.”

 

Kaidan kissed a trail of fire down John's torso, fumbling with the bottle of lube the whole time. He kissed the head of Shepard's dick as his slick finger massaged the tight ring of muscle in the center of his ass. John's hands fisted into the blanket, and his body trembled with the effort of holding still and just enjoying the sensations, rather than chasing more contact. His reward was Kaidan pushing first one finger and then another inside him while swallowing his cock down his throat. John cried out, and forced himself to breathe evenly so that he could enjoy it and not just come on the spot.

 

His husband continued to tease him, spreading him open and brushing the electrified bundle of nerves that sent pleasure shooting throughout his body, all the while lazily swiping his tongue over Shepard's throbbing cock. When Kaidan sent a biotic pulse against his prostate, Shepard lost it – hot ropes of come shooting all over his husband's face and his own stomach. Kaidan grinned. Pulling his fingers out, he found a towel to clean them both up.

 

John lay boneless on the bed, feeling equal parts sated, embarrassed that he'd come so easily, and disappointed that it was over before he got what he really wanted. Kaidan wasn't finished with him though. After cleaning John's essence from his face, he stretched out beside his husband on the bed, pulling him into his arms and kissing him with renewed fire and intensity. Shepard melted into the kiss, allowing his husband to invade his mouth, and he was surprised to feel his dick stirring again almost instantly. Damn this man was going to be the death of him.

 

Shepard sat up and flipped around so that his feet were at the head of the bed. Without preamble, he took his husband into his mouth and down his throat. Kaidan groaned and bucked into his husband's mouth, then went to work on John's own half hard length.

 

Kaidan was a genius with his tongue. The devilish little muscle could do things to John that he'd only ever dreamed of before meeting Kaidan. Shepard had always considered himself pretty proficient at giving head, but Kaidan was a true master of the craft. Still, the older man always seemed to turn to putty in Shepard's hands whenever John worked him over with tongue and lips, so maybe he wasn't so bad after all. It didn't take long for Kaidan to pull off him and try to shift away from John's mouth. “Wait,” he pleaded when Shepard followed after him. “I'll stop teasing now.”

 

John grinned as Kaidan spread himself out over the top of him once more, their heads at the foot of the bed. The older man grabbed the lube and slicked himself up, slipping easily into John's already opened up channel. Shepard threw his head back, and Kaidan wasted no time in setting his lips against the smooth, hot flesh of John's neck. He would never get tired of seeing his husband like this – skin flushed and glistening with sweat, the blue of his eyes consumed with darkened lust, petal-soft lips parted in a gasp of pleasure. Kaidan pumped into his lover at a steady pace, relishing the abandoned, wanton noises Shepard made – grateful that they didn't have to be quiet.

 

Speech was a stream of unintelligible words with the occasional curse or muttering of the other's name thrown in for good measure. They were drenched in sweat now, bodies surging together as Kaidan thrust, and John rocked up to meet his husband's hips. Blue light sparked across their skin, and neither could tell whether it was coming from his husband or himself. Neither cared. The dark, biotic energy inflamed every touch, every kiss, every thrust until they were both moaning so loudly the neighbors could probably hear. John smiled up at his husband, and Kaidan returned it. And the loving gesture in the middle of all the fire and electricity broke the dam.

 

Kaidan cried out, hips stuttering to a stop, back arched as he spilled himself into his husband's tight heat. John wrapped his legs around Kaidan, pulling him closer, grounding him as he rode out his high. When the older man was spent, he grabbed his husband's erection and tugged firmly, thrusting against him, and though he was already softening, the sensation was enough to send John over the edge again. They collapsed into a sweaty, panting heap.

 

Calloused fingers worked over the trembling muscles of Kaidan's back as they drifted back to Earth from their tantalizing high. John would never get tired of this – the look of love and lust in Kaidan's eyes, the breathless way he called John's name when he came, the way their bodies fit together so perfectly, and the way their muscles turned to liquid afterward and they lay tangled together, impossibly close while their heart rates and breathing returned to normal. He felt Kaidan's lips press against the scar on his chest, and he smiled. “Love you, babe.”

 

Kaidan's breath gusted across his damp skin, raising goose flesh, as he laughed. “Love you too, babe.”

 

They showered quickly, too tired to do more than just wash away the mess, and flopped back into bed without even drying off. John was the little spoon as they lay, gazing out the window. It was dark, but the moon was shining bright, reflecting off the water of the bay, and highlighting the drifting snow. This morning they'd been at a sunny, warm beach in the South Pacific. Tonight they were back in Canada in deep Autumn, with snow falling outside their window. John felt a surprising peace though. He was lying in bed with his husband in their first real home. It had taken him thirty-three years to get it, but he finally had everything he'd ever wanted.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all the love you've shown for this fic! It makes my heart happy. :) 
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and Kaidan drink a toast to the future.

John tapped lightly at the open door, before poking his head into the room, “Mom?” It still felt weird to call Kate Alenko mom, even after all these months. Kaidan, Brinley, and Tom had gone for a walk in the orchard while Kate tried to get some work done. She ran the local farmer's co-op in hopes of making food more widely available to all the surrounding areas. Between that and taking care of Tom, John suspected that she wasn't taking much time for herself. Just like Kaidan and John, himself, she worked until she couldn't keep her eyes open any longer before allowing herself to rest.

 

“John,” she said, glancing up at him with a smile. “You didn't want to go into the orchard with the others?”

 

He shook his head, “Nah. I, uh... actually wanted to talk to you for a few minutes, if you don't mind.”

 

“Not at all, John. Come on in and sit down.”

 

Taking the chair across from her desk, he leaned back, then immediately sat forward, rubbing his palms on his thighs. Kate waited patiently for him to settle himself. Over the months since they'd returned from the war, she had watched this man with interest and delight. The love John Shepard had for her son was unmistakable, and the way he doted on Brinley was admirable and endearing. For a man who'd been through so much, accomplished so much, John was a surprisingly kind and humble man. Kate knew some of his background, though she suspected there was much more that had happened to him as a child than had been revealed to her, and it astounded her that such a well-rounded, capable person could have come from that sort of environment. Proof to her that stereotypes aren't always justified, and even the most open minded of individuals needed to check their prejudices on occasion.

 

For all his confidence and poise in the political realm – and on the battlefield, if the stories were to be believed – when it came to personal relationships and revelations, John was shy and nervous. It was just another trait that made him real, made him lovable. Shepard the Commander and John the man were almost opposite sides of the same coin. A man of confidence and passion, meekness and humility molded into one. It was really no wonder that her son was so hopelessly in love with him.

 

Kate tried to hide her grin as John struggled to find the words he wanted to say. At last, he took a deep breath and met her eyes. “I guess Kaidan told you about Hannah Beckett.” She simply nodded, offering her son-in-law a sympathetic smile, and waited for him to continue. “Do you mind if I stand? I... think better on my feet.”

 

“Not at all, John,” she chuckled, and John shot her an embarrassed grin.

 

“I would like your advice,” he finally came to the point. “For the last month or so, I've been trying to decide how I should approach this situation, but... I have no context for dealing with family. Other than you and Tom.. uh.. dad,” he amended. “And, I mean, I guess Kaidan and Brinley, but that's.. they're different. There's never been any question about the way Kaidan and I feel about each other, and we've tried to reassure Brinley that we love her as our own daughter. I just... part of me wants to be angry. If she hadn't... if at any point during everything that happened to her she'd just asked someone for help, things could have been...”

 

John sighed, coming to a stop by the window, resting his forehead against his fist on the cold glass. “I don't want to make that same mistake,” he said quietly. “My instinct is to tell her to fuck off... oh,” he turned toward Kate, eyes wide, “sorry... to, uh... tell her no, but... somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that would be a mistake, that I'd be missing out on something if I did.”

 

Grinning at his slip, Kate crossed the room to stand beside him, leaning against the window frame. John wore an affectionate smile, and she followed his gaze to where Kaidan and Brinley were playing and laughing in the falling snow, running around with their tongues hanging out trying to catch the flakes as they floated down. She lightly touched his arm, and he looked at her, smiling. “How'd I get so lucky?” he mused, watching his family once more.

 

“If anyone in the galaxy deserves some love and happiness, I would say it is you, John.”

 

He huffed a little laugh. “It's not about what we deserve,” he said. “It's about what we do with what we're given.”

 

“True,” Kate agreed. “Very true. So, you've been given the chance to get to know your birth mother... what are you going to do with it?”

 

John turned to face his mother-in-law with a huge grin, arms over his chest. “That was a cleverly laid trap, mom. I like it. Tactical brilliance, that.”

 

“We mothers have to be well versed guerrilla style warfare.”

 

He barked a laugh. “Kaidan couldn't have been that much of a handful!”

 

Kate raised her eyebrow at him and humphed. “Oh, John, you have so much to learn.” Looping her arm through his, she led him toward the kitchen and ordered him to sit on a stool while she got busy making hot chocolate. “They'll be freezing when they come in.”

 

“Are you making enough for me?” he asked, teasing. “Kaidan told me once you made the best hot chocolate in the world.”

 

“You're such a charmer, John. Yes, I'll make enough for you too, but... no more stalling. Tell me what your reservations about Hannah Beckett are. Do you not believe her story?”

 

“I believe her. I have intel from a reliable source that her story checks out based on old Alliance files. We even found a record of a Hannah Shepard from the old student files at the New York Conservatory, and I... Christ, I can't help feeling sorry for her. But selfishly, I keep bringing it back to me... How my life was affected by what happened to her, the choices she made.”

 

“That's understandable. You didn't exactly have an easy life before joining the Alliance.”

 

John was quiet for so long that Kate turned to look at him in concern. “How much has Kaidan told you?” he asked, so low she could hardly hear.

 

“Not much,” she admitted. “Just that you'd been mostly homeless, had joined a gang to survive. I... that doesn't bother me, John. I can assure you.”

 

“I'd rather not go into the details,” he said with a wan half-smile, “but it was.... worse... so much worse than that.” He met her eyes. “I don't want you to think less of me.”

 

“Oh, John, that's not going to happen. You're a good man. Regardless of what happened in the past, anyone who knows you now, can see that. Your past – whether your choices or things that were forced upon you,” at John's grimace, she had a sinking feeling she knew exactly what he meant by worse, “is in the past, John. Those things don't define you.”

 

“A very smart man told me that one time,” he said with a chuckle.

 

“Hannah's past doesn't define her either,” Kate reminded him. “What happened to her was out of her control, and yes, she made some very bad decisions afterward. But you can look at her life, her history, and decide whether you think she's changed or not. Make your decision based on that, John. Not the emotions over what was done to you. Maybe she needs to earn your forgiveness for her own peace, just like you need to grant it for yours.”

 

**

 

“John wanted me to invite you and your family over for dinner,” Kaidan told Hannah Beckett cautiously. They'd been home from their honeymoon for a month, and life had fallen into a comfortable routine. John was actually taking to his new role better than either of them had expected that he would, and Kaidan was enjoying his work with the defense committee. A year ago he wouldn't have seen himself in a desk job, but it was nice when the fires he had to put out could be handled with a comm call rather than a bullet.

 

He and John had discussed what sort or relationship they wanted to have with the Beckett's at length. John was still struggling with the emotions that the whole situation conjured, but he finally decided that he at least wanted to attempt to establish a connection with his family. It had been Kaidan's suggestion to invite them to their home, hoping that the familiarity would make it more comfortable for John.

 

Hannah's eyes were instantly wet with tears. “We... would love that,” she said quietly. “Thank you!”

 

It was nearing Christmastime on Earth, and John and Kaidan had gone all out in decorating their house for the holiday. Never having had the chance before, they'd selected the absolute biggest tree they could possibly have fit into their house. It was proudly displayed in the front window of their home and decorated simply with white lights, red and silver balls, and red ribbon. They had managed to find ornaments made to match the action figures of the Normandy crew. There was one ornament for each of their friends. John had found a seashell on their honeymoon that he'd brought home and drilled a tiny hole in. He'd threaded the hole with red ribbon and hung it on the tree in memory of his friend, Mordin Solus. There was even a Normandy ornament. The whole thing was topped with a brilliantly lit star, and when the lights were off and the fire going, it made their home feel truly magical. Kaidan loved it.

 

They had trimmed the mantle with greenery that they'd traipsed through the snow at the orchard to gather themselves. During the outing, they'd stopped, at Brinley's insistence, every so often to make snow angels or throw snowballs. Red and white taper candles were nestled amongst the branches, along with silver balls to match the ones on the tree. Three stockings hung right in the center of the mantle, one for each of them. Next year there would be a fourth. John and Kaidan had smiled and shared a tender kiss at the thought, and Brinley, as always, had forced her way between them, demanding her share of the affection.

 

Even the dining room table was set with a festive centerpiece, matching the mantle, and candles. It was surprising how quickly luxury items were becoming available. With the fleets still stuck in system, the other races had been working on rebuilding efforts alongside the humans almost nonstop. They had nothing better to do while they waited for the relay to be repaired. That had caused the planet to come back into some semblance of order much more quickly than anyone could have anticipated, leaving room for the production of nonessential items.

 

They weren't done furnishing the home, but they were enjoying taking their time picking out things that they both liked. They'd both felt ridiculous shopping for china, but it really was going to be a necessity in the long run. With both of them holding high-level, respected positions within the government and military, they would be hosting dinner parties frequently. John had lamented the girlishness of most of the china patterns offered. In the end they'd chosen simple white with a silver band around the edge.

 

John busied himself setting the table while Kaidan made sure that everything was tidy around the house. It was. They were both neat freaks after having spent a lifetime in the military, and most of that time in space. Life on a ship necessitated cleanliness and order, and old habits died hard. Neither of them could even relax if there was so much as a pair of socks in the floor. Which meant they spent a lot of time chasing a wild seven year old girl around the house and trying to get her to pick up after herself.

 

While the men got things ready, Brinley bounced around between them, asking questions about everything she could think of, until John asked her if she wanted to play the quiet game. When she figured out what he was trying to do, she squealed and giggled and declared him the winner since she didn't know how to be quiet.

 

“Well, that backfired,” Shepard said flatly. “What if you draw us some pictures?”

 

That was finally enough to get the girl to sit still, and she sat at the coffee table with paper and crayons drawing pictures of the three of them holding hands, occasionally adding a blue baby into the mix for her _sister_ that was going to be born in a few months. She had yet to call either of them dad – or papa as they'd decided Kaidan should be called just to avoid confusion – but she was adamant that Ashley was her sister. It made John and Kaidan both feel good that she saw herself as an integral part of their family.

 

The timer on the oven dinged, and John went to pull the roast out to let it rest. He found as time went by that he really enjoyed cooking quite a bit, and he'd taken the time to improve his skills. Kaidan could turn out a good meal, but they'd come to an unspoken agreement that John would be the cook of the family. Kaidan wandered into the kitchen as the smell of the roasted meat hit his nose. John smacked his hand away when he tried to sneak a bite. “You have to wait. It's too hot to eat now anyway.”

 

Kaidan turned his husband to face him, pinning him against the counter and claiming his lips. “You're looking quite dashing tonight, Councilor,” he said, giving him the once over. John was wearing dark jeans that fit just right, a charcoal gray sweater that allowed the collar and hem of his white button down shirt to peek through, and a black blazer. He'd even shaved. Kaidan was dressed similarly, minus the blazer, and with a red sweater instead of gray. Biotics usually ran hot, and he was used to the Canadian winters. John always seemed just a little colder though.

 

“You're not so bad yourself there, General.” Shepard brought their lips together again, tasting and exploring. Kaidan ground their hips together, garnering him a quiet moan from his husband, just as the door chimed. John pulled back with a sigh.

 

“I'll get it,” Brinley called from the other room.

 

“You okay?” Kaidan asked, watching his husband carefully.

 

John nodded. “Yeah... surprisingly. I've got a good feeling.”

 

“Good! Love you, babe.”

 

“Love you.”

 

Brinley opened the door and introduced herself in her typical, boisterous fashion, and Stan and Hannah Beckett made their way into the house with affectionate laughter for the child. John gave Hannah and awkward hug, and Kaidan poured everyone a glass of wine while introductions were made. John's half sister, Amelia Browning, was just a younger version of her mother, the same blue eyes and thin nose as John. She was a beautiful woman, and John tried to imagine Hannah as a young, pretty girl – how she might have looked when he'd been born. It conjured images of her being hurt that he didn't want to think about, so he discarded the idea altogether.

 

Amelia's husband, Joshua, was a civilian contractor for the military, working security at the government complex. John had seen him before, but hadn't known who the man was. Shaun looked more like his father, but still had the trademark blue eyes. He was a handsome man with sandy blond hair and a thick full beard. He was unmarried, and worked for a law firm in Vancouver.

 

“It's an honor to meet you, Councilor Shepard,” Shaun said, shaking John's hand.

 

Shepard smiled and shook his head. “Just John tonight, huh?”

 

“Sure,” Shaun said with a nervous laugh.

 

They sat around the fireplace in the living room sipping their wine and falling into easy conversation, and Kaidan was relieved to see how relaxed his husband was. He knew that this couldn't be easy for the man, but John did seem to be enjoying himself. Brinley kept the mood light as she flitted from lap to lap and chattered on about anything that came to her mind, real or imaginary.

 

“Shall we eat before it gets cold?” John said after a time.

 

The dining room wall was decorated with photos of their little family set in silver frames. John had insisted on actual printed photographs and decorative frames rather than holos in cheap metal. Kaidan was glad they'd gone to the trouble. Most of the pictures came from EDI's montage that she'd made for them, or from shots his mother had taken during the time they'd lived at the orchard. There was the one from their wedding day of Kaidan with frosting on the end of his nose and John leaning in with a grin to kiss it away. The one of the two of them at the poker table with cigars. One of John with Brinley on his shoulders as she picked apples. Another of all three of them laughing at something. A large photo of the crew from the party at the apartment took center stage. There was also the one of the two of them, with Ashley in the center, all of them with their arms around each other – just to name a few.

 

“Who is this woman?” Hannah asked, looking at all the photos.

 

“Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams,” John said, pride in his voice. “She was part of my crew on the original Normandy. She died on Virmire. Hell of a soldier. Hell of a friend,” he finished quietly.

 

“Our baby will be named for her,” Kaidan said, coming up to squeeze his husband's hand. He pointed at Liara in the photo from the party. “She's our surrogate. Liara T'soni. The baby will be here in just four short months!”

 

“I'll be looking forward to meeting her,” Hannah said with a hopeful lilt in her voice.

 

John nodded, and directed everyone to their seats. “I'm scared as hell, to be honest,” he chuckled as he passed the plate of meat to Hannah on his left. “I don't know the first damn thing about babies. It's been a big enough adjustment with her.” He smiled at Brinley who was blinking innocently at him.

 

“Don't let him fool you. We've spent a lot of time babysitting for my cousin, and that baby has John wrapped around his little finger. And he's just amazing with Brinley. He's a great dad.” Kaidan gave him an affectionate look.

 

“Just taking my cue from you, babe,” he replied. “Besides, Philip is a good baby. He's easy to care for. Considering who Ashley's parents are, I'm afraid we're in for it.”

 

Kaidan laughed.

 

“So, Ashley will be your biological daughter?” Amelia asked in surprise.

 

“Uh... not exactly.” He explained the asari reproductive process to them quickly, trying to hide his embarrassment. He still didn't like to talk about this with people. It made him feel like a freaky perv even though there had been nothing sexual about the experience whatsoever. Who could have guessed that uncomfortable conversation with Liara all those years ago would become a permanent fixture in his future life? “So, genetically she's my daughter, but not biologically. It's... weird, I admit. But she will carry some of my genetic traits.”

 

“Just hopefully not your damn stubbornness,” Kaidan said with a grin.  
  


“Well, why the hell do you think I'm so scared?” That got a chuckle from everyone at the table.

 

Kaidan scoffed good-naturedly, “He's never been afraid of anything in his life.”

 

John blushed, and everyone began to eat falling into idle chatter about the ins and outs of their everyday lives. “This meal is delicious,” Stan said. “Who prepared it?”

 

“That would be me,” John said, his blush creeping back up. Kaidan was still surprised at how easily his husband became embarrassed. He was too modest for his own damn good.

 

“Where did you learn to cook?” Hannah asked.

 

“Arcturus. I was stationed there before the Blitz. My roommate taught me. Said he couldn't stand the sad look in my eyes when I came back from the mess everyday.” They all laughed again.

 

“Do you keep in contact with him?” Shaun asked.

 

“He, uh, died... on Akuze. His squad was lured into a thresher maw nest by... Cerberus. I was already at the Villa by then.” He chewed his food silently for a few minutes.

 

“I noticed you have a piano,” Hannah said, changing the subject. “Do you play?”

 

“I do. Learned at a blues club in New York,” he smiled at the memory. “I'd try to sneak into anywhere I could to be out of the cold. Hell, just about anything was better than mine and Raina's hovel.” He told her the story, embellishing with a few anecdotes about Bugsy, the man who'd taught him. “He taught me to play guitar, too, though I was never very good at it.”

 

“Your great-grandfather played. He was an accomplished concert pianist,” Hannah said. “His name was John Arthur. You were named after him. He taught me to play, but he died before you were born. He would have taken us in if he'd lived that long,” she finished quietly.

 

John looked down at his plate and pinched the bridge of his nose. To think of the life he could have had... if circumstances had been different. “I'm sorry to hear that,” he said at last, emotions in check. “Seems the galaxy has been conspiring against us both, huh?”

 

Hannah nodded, then whispered, “But we're here now.”

 

“We are,” John agreed, raising his glass of wine. “To the future!”

 

“To fresh starts,” Kaidan said, smiling at his husband.

 

“Here, here,” they all agreed.

 

After dinner, they retired to the living room again, and John and Hannah took turns playing Christmas carols on the piano. After several songs, Brinley climbed into Shepard's lap, little fingers stroking the keys lightly. “Teach me to play, dad?”

 

Kaidan heard Shepard's sharp breath, and his heart swelled. It was the first time Brinley had called him that, and he heard the tremor in his husband's voice when he answered. “Yeah, of course I'll teach you to play.” John had fought and suffered all his life to get to this point, and from his seat on the sofa, Kaidan felt sure it had all been worth it.

 

Midway through one song, John's omni-tool flashed with an urgent message. “Shit,” he muttered. “I'm sorry, I should take this.” He was walking toward the stairs to the offices when Kaidan heard him whoop and shout, “Kaidan! It's the Normandy!”

 

Shepard ran back into the room, “Joker, where the hell are you?”

 

“Aetheon Cluster,” the pilot said. “Got the comm buoy working. It only took the geth a couple days.”

 

“Damn! Holy fucking hell I've never been so glad to hear your damn voice! How's it going?” Shepard was sporting the biggest smile Kaidan had ever seen.

 

“Good... I'll let Commander Vega fill you in!”

 

“Loco! How the fuck are you?”

 

“Good, Vega! You taking care of my ship?”

 

“Yes, Sir! Not a scratch. Adams and EDI were able to boost the engine output after her time in dry dock. We made it a lot sooner than we thought. Haven't run into any trouble yet. Found a planet with a volus colony. They were glad for some news from Earth. Barla Von said to tell you congrats on the whole reaper ass-kicking thing and your promotion.”

 

John laughed. “Tell him I said thanks, and... tell him to contact me personally. I know someone who'll want to hear from him. How about the relay?”

 

Vega quirked an eyebrow at him, but didn't ask. “It actually seems closer to completion than Charon. The keepers have been working nonstop. The volus aren't doing anything except delivering raw material for them work with. There are more eezo rich planets in this cluster than in Sol.”

 

“Yeah... we've been going round and round on what to do about that,” John confessed. The lack of eezo seemed to be the only thing holding them back from repairing the Charon relay. Some on the Council wanted to cannibalize the dead reapers for spare parts and eezo, but Shepard argued adamantly and vehemently against it till he was nearly ready to burst a blood vessel. Thankfully, Wrex at least was on his side in regards to the matter. The asari Councilor was being particularly stubborn about it. “Can't say much but... well, let's just hope a solution presents itself soon. These people are ready to get the hell out of here, and I can't say I blame them. They've all worked their asses of to put Earth back together. I hope I can convince the Alliance of the need to reciprocate.”

 

“I'm estimating we'll be at Palaven in just over a month, if the ship keeps holding together like she has been.”

 

John started pacing. It was how he did his best thinking. “If we can get the Apien and Aetheon relays working, then we could send the fleets to Palaven to help them rebuild until another relay could be opened. I think it would go a long way toward cementing peace. Normandy could then head to the Krogan DMZ and try to secure that relay. If we kept going like that, we could march across the whole damn galaxy and all work together to fix this fucking mess.”

 

“Dream big, huh, Loco?”

 

“Always have, Vega,” Shepard grinned. “Alright, don't leave the system until we talk again. I'll bring the idea to the Council on Monday. You all probably want the chance to be off the damned ship for a day or two anyway, right?”

 

Kaidan stuck his head into the screen and exchanged a few words with James. “Scars is about to piss himself to talk to you, Loco,” the burly man said. “Here he is. I'll be sending you an official report first thing in the morning.”

 

“Roger that. Damn good to see you, Vega!”

 

“Shepard...” Garrus drawled.

 

“Garrus, never thought I'd say it, but you're a damn sight for sore eyes. How the hell have you been?”

 

“We're good, Shepard. Vega is doing a surprisingly good job running things. Not quite the same without you here though.”

 

Shepard chuckled. “Well, don't be pissed at me, but... I really don't miss it all that much. Not as much as I thought I would at least. Life planet side is suiting me pretty well.”

 

“You look good, John. Kaidan's taking good care of you, I see.”

 

Kaidan poked his head into the view screen and chatted with Garrus some. “How's, uh... how's Tali?” the turian asked.

 

“She's good. She and Liara came to dinner the other night,” John said.

 

“She and... Liara?”

 

“Not... uh, not like that. She misses you, Garrus. We've all been trying to keep her company. Hell, even Jack has been taking her out to the shooting range. Maybe... you should give her a call?”

 

“I don't know, Shepard. It will be so damn long before we... could even think about being together again.”

 

“Garrus, Kaidan and I were separated for three years before we came to a place where we could be together again. I can assure you that it was worth the wait.”

 

“Yeah,” the turian agreed. “Yeah, okay.”

 

They chatted for a few more minutes, and Shepard made him promise to send everyone his regards. They ended the call with promises to be in touch soon, and John grabbed Kaidan by the face, kissing him fiercely, then letting out another whoop of excitement when he'd released his husband. “This calls for a fucking celebration!” He ducked behind the bar and dug out a bottle of champagne, opening it with a pop. He poured everyone a glass, each of them giddy with John's infectious joy. “To the fucking Normandy!” he said raising his glass.

 

“To the fucking Normandy!” they all agreed.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this chapter was really long. Hopefully you'll forgive me! :) 
> 
> Thanks for reading, commenting, and just generally encouraging me! 
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and Kaidan's family grows by one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TISSUES!! Don't forget 'em! :)

 

Sunday's were typically the day they slept in, snuggled under the covers, ignoring the world and the problems it still faced. If Brinley had managed to stay in her own bed all night, the morning would start with lazy lovemaking followed by a shower and the biggest breakfast known to man. If Brinley was with them, there was inevitably a tickle or pillow fight and watching Blasto cartoons tucked under the covers with bowls of cereal. Kaidan never woke up alone anymore, so there was a brief wave of panic when he rolled over to reach for John and found his husband's side of the bed cold.

 

A year ago the war had ended, and for the last six months, they'd been living on Earth rebuilding the planet and carving out a life for themselves. A life where the most exciting thing to happen to them in weeks was when Brinley fell out of an apple tree at the orchard and broke her arm. That had scared the shit out of both of them, and Kaidan chuckled – he could do that now that the arm was all healed – because even just a year ago, a broken bone was nothing more than a minor inconvenience in their day to day lives.

 

Life now consisted of hectic mornings trying to get to work – made worse on the days when John had to be in the office, too – and being gang tackled by a highly excitable husband and daughter when he came back home; nights watching Shepard teach Brinley to play piano and catching their infectious excitement whenever she played Twinkle Twinkle Little Star all by herself; curling up in bed together for Shepard's nightly bedtime stories; kissing boo boos; learning to style a little girl's wild curls; trying to find just a little time to be alone with his husband and coming up with creative ways to have sex without Brinley knowing about it.

 

It was a good life.

 

During the war it had seemed that the fighting would never end. Daily life was a roller coaster of adrenaline rushes and crashes and trying to put one foot in front of the other on days of little to no sleep. Now they slept so much, Kaidan feared they'd become lazy. That would change soon, when baby Ashley came, as Shepard often reminded him.

 

Kaidan rolled out of bed, yawning and rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he went about his morning business. He peeked in on Brinley, sprawled in her little bed on space ship sheets, clutching a stuffed volus plushie like the one John had won at the arcade on the Citadel ages ago, and wearing her pink Blasto pajamas. He watched the rise and fall of her back as she breathed and dreamed, and his heart felt so full of love, he was sure it would burst. There had been a handful of occasions during his life where he'd imagined what it would be like to be married and have children, but those thoughts couldn't hold a candle to the reality of the life he had now. It was impossible to calculate how much he loved John and Brinley, and even baby Ashley, though she had yet to make her appearance in the world.

 

Closing Brinley's door, he headed to the kitchen where the coffee was already made, and poured himself a cup. Through the window, he saw Shepard sitting on the porch with his own mug, so Kaidan grabbed a blanket out of the box by the door and went to join him. Wordlessly, John held his blanket up for Kaidan to slide underneath with him, and wrapped a strong arm around his shoulder.

 

“Morning,” Shepard murmured, lips against Kaidan's temple.

 

“Morning. Couldn't sleep?”

 

Shepard shook his head and stretched his legs out in front of him, crossing them at the ankle and pushing the swing a little. He kissed Kaidan's head again, nosing into the silvering hair of his sideburns. Kaidan heard him inhaling and grinned. “You smell good,” John whispered, pressing another kiss to his cheek then nipping at his ear.

 

“We should've stayed in bed if you wanted this,” Kaidan laughed.

 

“I didn't have the heart to wake you.” John set his mug on a nearby end table and shifted to wrap both arms around his husband. They shared a slow, coffee-flavored kiss, as their fingers roamed for bits of skin.

 

“Dad?” Brinley's little voice sounded sleepy, and Shepard looked up to see her rubbing at her eye with a fist.

 

“Hey, baby,” he said, holding his arms out for her. As usual, she wedged herself between her two fathers, leaning against John's side as she snuggled under the blanket. They laughed as she yawned, eyes drifting closed. Shepard stretched his arm across the back of the swing, resting his hand on Kaidan's shoulder and stroking it idly with his thumb. A contented silence settled on the little family as the men sipped their coffee and listened to the waves rolling up onto the shore. Brinley was nearly soothed back to sleep by the gentle movement of the swing and the peaceful sound of the water.

 

Shepard's omni-tool chirped, shattering their moment of reprieve. John let a curse fly, and Brinley repeated it. Kaidan shot a glare toward his husband, and Shepard offered a sheepish shrug in return. It wasn't the first time something like that had happened, and unfortunately, it probably wouldn't be the last. Kaidan had much more self-control in that area than John did. He was trying though, whether Kaidan could see it or not.

 

“Shepard here,” he sighed as soon as the call connected. Liara's face, contorted in pain, filled the holo-screen.

 

“It's time,” she said with difficulty.

 

“On our way.”

 

There was a mad scramble to get dressed and gather everyone's things. Kaidan packed a bag of fruit, crackers, and juice for Brinley while Shepard packed her overnight bag. Kate and Hannah were going to take turns with her for a couple of nights while John and Kaidan got settled in with the new baby. Shepard had already backed out into the street when they remembered the bag of Ashley's things, and Kaidan dashed back inside to retrieve it.

 

Their mothers met them at the door to the hospital to take charge of Brinley. Watching Shepard navigate the building like a battlefield made Kaidan grin in spite of his flaring nerves. Nurses and doctors, alike, did double takes as the human councilor strode down the hall with confident, purposeful steps. He only faltered once they reached the door to Liara's room. Kaidan was excited, and knew that Shepard was as well, but their lives were taking a drastic new turn. It only felt natural to savor these last few seconds before it was time to adjust to yet another new normal. John turned to face his husband, a steady smile on his face. “Ready?”

 

“As I'll ever be,” Kaidan said with a chuckle, then leaned in to press his lips to John's.

 

The room was quiet with the exception of Liara's labored breathing and the chanting of the asari priestess. Having zero experience with human babies, they had researched both human and asari culture and customs regarding infant births and decided that Ashley should be well versed in her asari heritage. She would face a long life after the deaths of all her human family. Being able to fit in with her own species would be a necessity.

 

The priestess recited traditional prayers and blessings over the new life, and the rhythmic cadence of her voice seemed to be soothing to Liara. She offered them a weak smile when she spotted them, and John and Kaidan took up a place on either side of the bed. Birthing classes had been an awkward but necessary step on the road to becoming parents to a baby asari. So far nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Just like with any other mission, Shepard had been well trained. He was as prepared for this as he could possibly be.

 

All the preparation in the world didn't prevent him from worrying, though. He and Kaidan were taking responsibility for a new life – one solely dependent upon them for her survival. Questions surfaced in his mind: what if they couldn't handle the unique challenges of raising another species, or of raising two daughters? What if Ashley decided she'd rather go live with her mother, among her own people? What would happen to her once they were gone? Probably the most prominent fear in his mind at the moment: what if something went wrong during the delivery?

 

Pushing these aside, he focused his attention on the task at hand. Liara needed their help and support at the moment, and it was the least they could do for her, considering the sacrifice she was making for them right now.

 

Over the months, their relationship with Liara had been somewhat repaired. They'd agreed that she would play a part in Ashley's life. Their daughter would know that Liara was her mother, but aside from a few visits throughout the year, Ashley would reside with her two dads. They would be her primary caregivers, though Liara would be welcome to visit them at home whenever she pleased. She would also receive invitations to Ashley's birthday parties and other special occasions. There was no better way they could think of to repay her kindness. They had both been angry with the asari in the beginning, but right now, in this moment, Shepard felt like Liara was the most selfless person he'd ever known.

 

Taking one of Liara's hands in his own, Shepard asked, “How are you doing?”

 

“Better than expected,” she said shakily. “It is... quite painful, though.”

 

“Sorry,” he murmured.

 

“It's hardly your fault,” she said with a huff of laughter. “I suppose I did it to myself.” Her words broke off with a groan as another contraction gripped her body.

 

“Breathe, Liara,” Kaidan reminded her, stroking a soft hand across her brow.

 

John turned to find a cold, damp cloth and passed it to his husband, who pressed it to the asari's forehead. “How long?”

 

“The contractions began before dawn. I stayed home and walked around until I couldn't take the pain anymore.”

 

“Why didn't you call us?”

 

“It could still be a long time,” she said with a small smile.

 

“Yeah, but... we told you we would be here if you wanted us.”

 

“I... just wanted a little more time with her,” she confessed quietly.

 

Shepard nodded and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “I'm sorry, Liara.”

 

“I'm not... I'm...,” she cried out again, louder than before. “Damn it... that was... intense... John... I'm... glad to do this for you. You've done so much for me, for everyone else. I... know you were angry for a long time, and... I don't blame you, but I don't regret my actions. You would never have agreed to do it willingly.”

 

“No, probably not,” he chuckled. “Thank you for this.”

 

She nodded at him, unable to speak as the pain wracked her body. “They're coming rather quickly,” the doctor said sounding surprised. “I've never seen a labor progress this fast!”

 

“It's probably that Shepard stubborn streak,” Kaidan muttered, and John grinned at him.

 

Liara cried out and gripped both their hands so tightly it hurt. “Son of a _bitch_ ,” she gasped, drawing startled looks from both men who'd never heard anything like that come from the asari's mouth. “This is awful!”

 

Shepard grinned down at her. “Never knew you had it in you, T'soni!”

 

“Don't be an ass, John,” she said. “I take it back. I completely blame you for this!”

 

“Well, just fight through the pain and imagine how much you want to kick my ass when it's over.”

 

She tried to laugh, but it morphed into another strangled groan. The next two hours passed with much more of the same. While Liara rested between contractions, John and Kaidan took turns pacing the room. Of all the things they'd seen and done and trained for, nothing could have prepared them for waiting and watching as their daughter was born. It felt like battle in an odd sort of way. Adrenaline spiked, keeping them both on full alert. Every whimper or cry Liara made would send them rushing back to her side until she was irritated with their fussing.

 

Shepard had never been very good at waiting patiently when someone he loved was in danger or pain. Today was no exception. A nervous sort of energy built up in his chest. His feet itched to get moving, and his hands burned with a need to _do_ something – anything. He wasn't foolish enough to say so to Liara. The asari was practically writhing in excruciating pain, and there wasn't a damn thing anyone could do for her. It amazed him that women would willingly choose to suffer this way just to bring a child into the world. Biology was an incredible thing, however, and for centuries, females of every species had been enduring this agony in order to ensure the survival of their species.

 

He briefly thought of the resolution that had been brought before the new Alliance parliament – a mandate for every couple to give birth to at least one child within the next five years. Many species were proposing similar laws. Other than the krogan, who were thriving just fine without government interference – every race in the galaxy was in danger of dying out in just a few generations. The war had cost them much in terms of lives and resources. If the species were to survive, they had to procreate. It seemed heartless on many levels to Shepard, but he was just calculating enough to see it as a necessary evil. Since the resolution had been introduced, he and Kaidan had discussed how they would deal with the effect it would have on their lives. Two children seemed like plenty, but neither Brinley nor Ashley would be seen as a contribution toward the new mandate. They had time to figure it out, however.

 

Liara's anguished cries brought his focus back to the here and now, and he felt a flash of guilt as he watched her struggling. All this pain and torment that she was going through was for him, because she cared about him in a way that John didn't understand. Kaidan had told him months ago that it was because Liara had been in love with him. John wasn't sure he believed that, but with the way she looked at him now, he thought it might be a remote possibility after all. In some small way, it made him sad that he could never have loved her the way she wanted – could never have made her happy like she deserved. It served to make him more grateful for the sacrifice she was making on his and Kaidan's behalf.

 

When the doctor said it was time to push, a fresh panic struck Shepard's chest, but he quelled it the way he always did whenever his calm focus was required. There was another hour of fumbling attempts at soothing Liara between mournful wails and desperate attempts to force the child from her body. Shepard's nerves were all but shot, and Kaidan's brow was pinched tightly, indicating that a migraine was forming. John knew better than to ask him about it; Kaidan would wave his concern away as he always did when there was something more important demanding their attention. Still, he hated the thought that his husband couldn't enjoy this moment fully because of a damn headache.

 

Shepard had steadfastly avoided looking _down there_ all morning long, but at the doctor's announcement that Ashley's head was crowning, he couldn't help it. Ignoring everything but Ashley's face, he watched as she took her first screaming breath, and tears were in his eyes instantly. How could he love someone so much after knowing them for mere seconds?

 

He heard Kaidan's gasp, his whispered, “She's beautiful,” and he looked toward his husband, finding the same look of awe and love on his face, the same tears trickling down his cheeks. They shared a brief smile before turning their attention back to Ashley. The baby kicked and screamed with all her might. Just like her namesake, Ashley Alenko-Shepard, was a fighter. She would take the world by storm.

 

Kaidan made a wry comment about her being very much like her dad. Shepard laughed, but the comment resonated deeply within him. All his life, he'd kicked back against the things that had tried to stop him, from his tragic childhood to the greatest threat civilization had ever known. Shepard had never let anything keep him from pursuing his goals with ruthless determination, and he would teach his daughters the same thing. He wouldn't fight their battles for them, but he would make damn sure they knew how to stand up for themselves.

 

Ashley was placed on Liara's stomach, and tears flowed freely down all their cheeks as she lifted her child and cradled her close. After only a moment, Ashley was whisked away to be cleaned up,weighed, and measured. “We'll be back in a minute,” John promised, giving Liara some privacy while the doctor finished cleaning her up.

 

Kaidan took vid of Ashley being bathed and swaddled into a blanket. The look of astonished joy on John's face when the nurse passed Ash into his arms was the most remarkable thing Kaidan had ever seen. “Ashley,” John whispered, “happy birthday, baby.” He held the child to his cheek, nuzzling against her soft skin. “Kaidan, look at her. She's perfect.” John passed the baby to her papa, and took over recording duties.

 

“You're the most loved little girl in the galaxy,” Kaidan said, voice filled with awe. “I think her eyes are just like yours, John.”

 

“Most asari have blue eyes, Kaidan,” he chuckled, closing the recording and stepping behind his husband to wrap his arms around his family. He kissed Kaidan on the cheek. “I love you, Kaidan.”

 

“I love you too, John.”

 

Kaidan passed her back to her dad, and John carried her to Liara's bed. The asari was cleaned and covered now, and Shepard sat on the edge of the bed, passing Ashley into her mother's arms. “She's perfect,” he said.

 

Liara sobbed when she held the baby again, pressing a tender kiss to Ashley's forehead. All Shepard could do was watch in awe as Liara said her goodbyes to the child she'd carried within her body for more than a year. “Ashley,” she whispered. “You have quite the namesake to live up to, little one. I wish you every blessing and happiness in your life. Your two fathers and your big sister will love you more than anyone else in the galaxy ever could. You are a very lucky little girl. And one day, I hope you will know that you have a mother who loves you very much, Little Wing.” With another kiss, Liara handed the baby back to Shepard. “She's yours, now. I know you will love and care for her. You are the best man I've ever known, John Shepard, and it was my honor and privilege to give this gift to you.”

 

Fresh tears sprang to his eyes as he wrapped an arm around her. “Thank you, Liara. We won't ever forget this. You have no idea how much this means to us.” He kissed her cheek, and Kaidan went around the other side of the bed, to wrap an arm around the asari. He, too, whispered his thanks and appreciation. Ashley squawked, and all three of them turned their attention back to her. John chuckled through his tears as he rocked her gently trying to calm her. There was a pause, weighted with heavy sadness, when doctor came to usher the men out of the room. “Go,” Liara whispered, and John nodded then quickly turned away.

 

Their families, along with those of the Normandy crew who were still in the Sol system, were waiting when they brought her in. Brinley squealed and ran to John, hugging his legs. Kaidan laughed and lifted her up so she could see her new sister. “I had a baby brother,” she said suddenly, as if the memory had just resurfaced. Burying her face in Kaidan's neck, she wept, and John and Kaidan shared a worried glance. They'd planned on sending her to stay with Hannah tonight and Kate tomorrow just to give them a brief adjustment period. But they'd learned that she couldn't handle the stress of being away from them whenever her memories appeared or she had flashbacks.

 

The family sat on the sofa, and despite the sadness of her memories, Brinley wiggled in Kaidan's lap until she could get a better look at _her_ new baby. Everyone she met knew she was getting a baby – and that it was hers! She giggled as she stroked Ashley's tiny fingers. “Papa, can I hold her?” Brinley asked, big brown eyes blinking up at Kaidan.

 

“Yeah. Of course you can.” He shifted her again so that she was sitting squarely in his lap, and he could help her, before John passed Ashley over. Shepard wrapped his arm around Kaidan's shoulder and leaned his head against his husband's as they all marveled at the new addition to their family. They each took turns touching her feet and hands and nose, amazed by every feature.

 

“This is kinda surreal, huh?” John whispered.

 

“A little bit,” Kaidan admitted with a laugh. They shared a soft kiss, which was interrupted by Jack.

 

“You guys are so damn sappy; you're making me sick!”

 

Shepard looked up in time to see her take an elbow to the ribs from Miranda. “Shut up,” she said, in her thick Australian accent. “Let them enjoy their damn moment!” Jack scowled, but there was something soft in her eyes. Something reserved just for Miranda, if John had to guess.

 

“She looks squishy,” Grunt announced. “Can I hold her?”

 

The look of barely restrained horror on Shepard's face had everyone laughing, but he nodded slowly, taking Ashley into his arms and standing. “She is squishy, Grunt, so you know... just... be careful.”

 

While Shepard fidgeted around Grunt like a nervous mother hen, Jack continued, “You're not really going to force these kids to have a hyphenated name are you? 'Cause that just seems fucking cruel. Hell, you two idiots came up with it and you don't even like to use it.” It was true, they'd both resorted to just going by Shepard – although Kaidan was still called Alenko by their friends and half his colleagues – because they'd tired of constantly correcting everyone.

 

“Legally her name will be hyphenated,” Shepard said, rolling his eyes, “but we're all just going to go by Shepard from now on.”

 

Baby Ashley was passed around the room for everyone to have a turn holding her. Hannah Beckett was the last one to get her. “John, I... all those years ago I held you in my arms, wanting nothing more than for that moment to last forever. With everything that happened afterward, I never dreamed that this day would come. Thank you... for forgiving me and allowing me to be a part of yours and Kaidan's life – of Brinley's and Ashley's life.”

 

John put an arm around his mother's shoulders, and pulled her close, pressing a kiss to her temple. “I'm just thankful to have this chance, mom.”

 

**

 

The Normandy returned home two months later. The relays were active all the way back to Thessia, and now that their friends had returned, they'd decided to hold a dinner to introduce Ash to her strange, extended family. Though Garrus had stayed on Palaven, he'd decided to attend the celebration. As soon as the Charon relay had been reopened, the quarian fleet had left Sol, so Tali would be the only member of the crew unable to be there.

 

“Remember sex?” John asked as they were getting dressed for dinner. “That was fun, huh?” It had been at least a week since they'd had time for more than giving each other quick hand jobs in the shower. Every time they'd tried to do more than that, they'd been interrupted by Ash's crying.

 

Kaidan laughed. “It was. Too bad it's been so long since we had the, ah... pleasure.”

 

“Babies are a lot of work.”

 

“True, but worth it, right?” Kaidan pulled his husband into his arms and brought their lips together. “Maybe we should take Jack and Miranda up on that babysitting offer and spend the night in.”

 

“I like the way you think, General.” John's lips met Kaidan's again, in a slow, savoring kiss, heat building deep in their bellies.

 

Kaidan moaned into his husband's mouth, and Ashley cried out from the other room. He sighed and brought their foreheads together. “Damn it, it's like she has a sixth sense!”

 

John laughed, and kissed his husband on the forehead. “Why don't you go get her dressed, and I'll finish up dinner?”

 

“Yeah, okay.”

 

“Love you, babe.”

 

“Love you, too.”

 

The party was a success, and it was great to get to catch up with everyone. They'd made plans with Jack and Miranda to let the girls spend the night with them the following weekend, and John had already decided he'd keep Kaidan chained to the bed the whole time. He was looking forward to it.

 

Their guests had begun to straggle out, since the Alenko-Shepard parties were a lot tamer than they used to be now that children were involved. John and Kaidan promised to get one of the grandmothers to babysit soon, and throw a real party reminiscent of the old days before the Normandy headed back out again.

 

Liara hung back after everyone else had gone. She had only been by to visit Ash a handful of times, and each time both John and Kaidan had seen how painful it was for her. They supposed it always would be. It tended to make her visits a little awkward, but they were doing the best they could to include Liara in Ash's life.

 

“I wanted to talk to you both,” she said quietly after the last guest left and Kaidan had put Brinley to bed. She sat in the rocker on the porch overlooking the Bay while John and Kaidan sat in the swing. Liara held Ash in her arms, gazing at her lovingly. “I'm leaving with the fleet in the morning. Heading back to Thessia. I... don't know when, or if, I will return.”

 

John had supposed that this would happen, and his feelings were torn. He still considered Liara a friend, but the last year had thrown some serious curve balls into their relationship. It seemed even the asari was having a difficult time adjusting to their new normal. “I hate to see you go,” he said at last.

 

“It is for the best. This... arrangement has been more difficult for me than I imagined, and I just need some distance from it. Rest assured I will still keep in contact, and I hope that you will send me regular updates on Ash's growth and progress. But... I don't think I can be part of her life right now. I'm sorry.”

 

“Liara, are you sure about this?” Kaidan asked. “I don't want you to do anything you will regret.”

 

“I'm sure. I met someone. A turian, actually. I'm hopeful that we can build a life together on Thessia. He's an engineer who's been assigned to the asari fleet to help with repairs when we return. He's... very kind.”

 

“I'm happy for you, then,” John said, honestly. It was time for his friend to find some happiness of her own.

 

“You two will always hold a special place in my heart, and Ash, too, of course, but... I need to make a life for myself. I need to let you go, Shepard. It's... something I should have done a long time ago. I'm sorry if... I've made you uncomfortable.”

 

“You haven't.”

 

“Good. I know we had talked about Ash visiting me when I returned to Thessia, but now... I'm not sure.”

 

“You don't want her to know you're her mother?” Kaidan asked, sounding hurt. John reached for his husband's hand, linking their fingers and giving it a gentle squeeze of comfort and reassurance.

 

“Eventually, yes. But, she has two amazing fathers, she doesn't need me right now. I... will play a role in her life in the future, when...” She let the thought trail off, but they knew what she meant – when they were dead. “Until then, I hope we can remain friends at least.”

 

“Always,” John whispered. “I'm going to miss you.”

 

“So am I,” she admitted. Rising from her chair, she placed a kiss on Ash's forehead and whispered, “Goodbye, Little Wing.” She handed the girl to her dad, and John took her and watched as Liara hugged Kaidan and told him goodbye. She turned to Shepard last, her hand coming up to cup his face. Tears rolled down her face as she pressed her lips to his cheek, “Goodbye, John.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, my heart is breaking! Only one more chapter to do! Thanks for hanging in there with me all the way! :) 
> 
> Much love,   
> Elle


	53. Chapter 53

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and Kaidan celebrate life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last time I'll get to say this: grab your tissues! :')

_**** Nine Years Later **** _

 

The smell of sizzling bacon beckoned Kaidan into the kitchen where he wrapped his arms around his husband, kissing the back of his neck. “Hey, you,” Shepard murmured, turning to receive a proper kiss. “Good morning, sunshine.”

 

“Morning.”

 

Shepard smiled, nuzzling Kaidan's nose with his own for a moment before dipping for another kiss.

 

“Gross!”

 

Both men sighed as they stepped apart, turning to see Brinley digging in the fridge for the milk container. She'd picked up Shepard's bad habit of drinking right out of the carton despite Kaidan's protests. “Good morning to you too, Brin,” Kaidan said, taking the carton before she could get it to her lips, and pouring her a glass of milk instead.

 

“Nobody else's parents make out all the time like you do,” she complained, accepting the glass her papa handed her.

 

“That's because nobody else's parents are as hot as your papa,” Shepard winked at Kaidan. “Just look at him!”

 

“ _Gross!”_

 

He laughed as Brinley stormed out in a huff, and Kaidan fit himself against Shepard's back once more. “Was that really necessary?”

 

“I thought it was a dad's job to scar his kids for life.”

 

“Leave it to you to take that as a personal challenge,” he grinned, pressing his lips behind John's ear.

 

“I'll give you an hour to stop doing that,” Shepard said, breathless.

 

“No time right now,” Kaidan reminded him, nipping his earlobe. “We've got the ceremony in a couple hours.”

 

John made a disgruntled noise, but nodded his head, turning his attention back to the waffles and bacon he was making for breakfast. The baby monitor came alive with the chattering of their three year old twins just as Ashley came bouncing into the room. Her chipper demeanor a stark contrast to her older sister who had never been a morning person.

 

“Ashley-bear, you want to come help me with the twins while daddy gets breakfast ready?”

 

The asari kissed them both on the cheek and followed Kaidan up the stairs as John called Brinley back to help him set the table. Instead of grumbling and complaining, as was her custom in the mornings, the teen was subdued. Enough to make John quirk a questioning brow at her. “What's up, Brin? It's not like you to be this quiet in the mornings. There's usually a lot more... anger.”

 

The girl rolled her eyes at him, but didn't follow it with her usual snark. “Just.. been thinking,” she said as she set forks and knives on top of the napkins by each plate. John finished loading the food onto platters and brought them to the table, gripping Brinley by the shoulders and forcing her to meet his eyes.

 

“What's going on, kiddo?”

 

“I think I want to join the Alliance,” she said, brown eyes serious in a way that reminded him of Kaidan. He couldn't quite understand her hesitation at the moment, however. He didn't necessarily want his children to be soldiers. It was a hard life, as he and Kaidan knew all too well, but if they did join up, he would support them, be proud of them.

 

“Okay,” he said, dragging the word out a little. “Why were you afraid to tell me that?”

 

“Because it also scares me, and I... I just want to make you and papa proud.”

 

“Oh, Brinley.” Shepard pulled his daughter to his chest and kissed into the wild tangle of curls jutting out in all directions. “Papa and I are already proud of you, honey. You don't have to do anything besides just being you for that. And there's still time to make up your mind. You have two years before you can legally join. Being a soldier is hard work, and you don't have to prove anything to your family or the galaxy just because you're a Shepard. We love you just as you are, and I don't give a rat's ass what anybody else thinks!”

 

“Papa would fuss if he heard you cursing,” she grinned up at him.

 

“Well, it'll be our little secret,” he winked. “You're not going to tell on me, right?”

 

“I don't have to,” she said. “He always knows.”

 

“He really does,” Shepard said, shaking his head. “Come on... let's finish getting breakfast, and maybe we can talk about this some more tomorrow?”

 

Brinley nodded and stood to finish setting the table. “Daddy,” she said, before he could get away. “Thank you.”

 

“Any time, baby.”

 

The trampling of feet sounded like thunder as the rest of the family ran down the stairs to join them. Cameron, their three year old son, careened into Shepard's knees with a wild yell. “Hey! Easy there killer,” John laughed, lifting his son and depositing him into his booster seat. Brinley immediately began cutting up a waffle for her brother while Ashley poured them all some juice.

 

“She's not feeling well daddy,” Kaidan said, carrying Cameron's twin, Claire. The girl had her head tucked against her papa's neck, but when she heard Shepard's voice, she reached for him.

 

“Aw, what's wrong with my little angel, huh?”

 

“Froat hurts, daddy.”

 

“Your throat hurts? Well, come on. Some juice will help it feel better.” He took Claire and kissed her on the cheek.

 

“Ahem... what am I, chopped liver?” Kaidan demanded, hands on his hips.

 

“You already had your morning kisses,” Shepard teased, but he leaned in to kiss Kaidan anyway.

 

“There's no such thing as too many kisses.”

 

“Ewww! Daddy and papa are kissing!” Cameron shouted.

 

“Daddy and papa are _always_ kissing,” Brinley reminded her brother in disgust.

 

“That's because they're in loooovvvee,” Ashley said with a giggle.

 

“What do you know about being in love, Ashley-bear?” Kaidan asked, kissing her on top of the head before taking his seat.

 

“Papa, I'm nine years old. I know all about being in love!”

 

“Is that so?” Shepard asked, quirking an eyebrow at her. “Do I need to pay your school a visit? Maybe whip some little kid's ass – ah, butt?”

 

“Daddy said a bad word, papa!” Cam helpfully informed.

 

“Sorry, Cam; Sorry, papa!”

 

Kaidan grinned at his husband, shaking his head.

 

“No, sir,” Ash said. “I just heard some of the older girls talking about it.”

 

“Well, you've got plenty of time to worry about being in love,” Kaidan said, cutting a waffle into bite size pieces for Claire. “I didn't even meet your daddy until I was thirty-two.”

 

“How old were you daddy?” Ash asked.

 

“Twenty-nine.”

 

“But you were papa's boss? Even though you were younger than him?”

 

“I was,” John said, winking at Kaidan.

 

“Your daddy has always liked to be bossy,” Kaidan said with a smirk.

 

“Bossy daddy!” Cam shouted.

 

They hadn't necessarily wanted more children, but it would have been hypocritical to try to get out of the Alliance's mandate that every couple produce children to support population regrowth since Shepard had voted for it. They were, however, granted a two year extension due to having two small children already, at which time, they'd chosen a human surrogate and the result had been the twins.

 

Cameron was a carbon copy of Kaidan in looks only. Due to genetic splicing, the children's traits all came from either Shepard or Kaidan. Cameron may have looked like Kaidan, but there was no denying that he was John Shepard's son. The boy had inherited Shepard's tendency to rush headlong into anything that struck his fancy, and he had a stubborn streak so wide it made John look positively docile in comparison. Claire, on the other hand, looked like Shepard with her blue eyes and dark hair, but shared Kaidan's quiet, thoughtful nature. They definitely didn't regret having the twins, but they were more than satisfied with their family size at this point.

 

In the ten years since the reaper war had ended, life had gone on, even returning to some semblance of pre-war normal. All the relays were opened, colonies around the galaxy were thriving. The only real difference these days was the inter-species cooperation. The races John had united during the war, remained so today. Even the remnants of the batarian hegemony had fallen in line, abolishing slavery and joining the Council races in trying to maintain peace along the borders.

 

Shepard still held the position of human Councilor, though Kaidan had retired just before the twins were born. They had given up on trying to fool themselves into thinking they could both keep working and still successfully raise four children. Kaidan didn't mind. He'd enjoyed a long and prosperous career which had taken him on amazing adventures across the galaxy. Staying home with his kids had been an easy decision. While he'd loved his job, he loved being a papa more, and it certainly simplified their lives not to have to worry about having a nanny all the time.

 

With inter-galactic travel and commerce mostly restored, the Council had turned its attention to building a new space station to replace the Citadel. Construction had been completed a month before, and the Alenko-Shepard family would be relocating in just a few weeks. The house in Vancouver would be kept for holidays and vacations, but the space station would be their primary residence. Kaidan amazed Shepard every day that he could keep up with their rambunctious three year olds and still find time to pack up the house.

 

They chattered on while they ate their breakfast, and when they were done, John took the twins upstairs for a bath while Kaidan and the older girls cleaned the kitchen. Kaidan found his husband later with the twins running circles around him in their underwear while he tried to find the clothes Kaidan had chosen for them to wear to the ceremony. Grabbing an outfit, Kaidan snatched a child up mid-step, and started stuffing Cam into his trousers. Claire ran to her daddy's arms and stood perfectly still while he pulled her stockings onto her legs and her dress over her head.

 

“She's starting to run a fever, Kaid,” Shepard said with a frown, resting the back of his hand on Claire's forehead.

 

“We've got some medicine,” Kaidan replied calmly. “If I can get Cam wrangled into this suit, I'll go get it. That should hold her over till after the ceremony. Then we can call the doc.”

 

“Tell me where it is, and I'll go.” John stood, scooping Claire into his arms.

 

“Medicine cabinet in the kitchen. It's the pink bottle!” he shouted after his husband.

 

Shepard gave his daughter the medicine and sat her on the counter so that he could comb her hair and pull it into perfectly even pigtails adorned with blue ribbons to match her dress. He'd gotten good at fixing her hair, but he was a mess when it came to picking out her clothes. Dressing the children was Kaidan's department. He was the more fashion savvy of the two, and he didn't mind shopping as much as Shepard did. That meant that the older man did most of the clothes shopping, which was just fine with John.

 

Ashley came out of her room in a soft yellow dress, and John smiled, remembering that Liara had once told him her mother had loved to wear yellow. “Very pretty, Ash,” he said.

 

“Thank you, daddy.”

 

“Can you see if the twins' bag is packed?”

 

Ash was a sweet and loving child even if she did have a stubborn streak like her dad. She loved doing anything she could to help him, though – just like her mother, he thought ruefully. Liara had kept in contact with them, but had asked that he and Kaidan not tell Ash that she was her mother yet. John thought it was a mistake, but he was willing to humor his friend a little while longer.

 

He'd warned Liara though that he wouldn't lie to his daughter if she ever asked about her mother. So far, if the girl was curious about why she had two human fathers, she hadn't voiced it. Regardless, they would have to start talking to her about it soon, whether Liara wanted them to or not. He didn't want to hurt his friend, especially after everything she'd done for him over the years of their acquaintance, but more importantly, he didn't want to hurt his daughter by keeping that information to himself. Besides, Liara had two daughters now with her turian bondmate. Ash might like to know that she had some biological sisters.

 

Kaidan chased Cameron down the stairs clutching the boy's bow tie in his hand. “Let me,” Shepard said, setting Claire on the couch beside Agamemnon – the family's orange tabby cat – and covering her with a blanket. “Why don't you go on up and get dressed?” His husband huffed in exasperation and tossed him the tie. Shepard chuckled. “C'mere little man,” John said to his son, who promptly took off running down the hall toward Ashley's room.

 

Shepard chased after him, growling and roaring like a monster, and Cam squealed and giggled as he tried to get away from his dad. Eventually, Shepard caught the boy and tossed him on the bed, tickling him till he was gasping for breath. When he stopped to let his son's breathing catch up, the boy was sprawled on the bed, and John quickly looped the tie around his neck and fastened it in place. He bent and nuzzled his stubbly jaw into the boy's neck, growling and pretending to bite him. “I'm going to eat you all up,” he said, and Cam squealed and threw his arms around his dad's neck. John carried him to the couch and deposited him next to his twin sister. “I have to go change now. Stay here!” He flipped on the vid screen above the fireplace and found the Blasto cartoon for them to watch before heading upstairs.

 

Kaidan was already buttoning up the jacket to his Alliance blues when John entered the room. “Looking good, Admiral,” he said, wrapping his arms around Kaidan's waist and kissing him on the neck. Kaidan turned in his husband's arms, pressing their lips together.

 

“You always look good, Councilor.”

 

John's tongue flicked across Kaidan's lips, and his husband opened to him, cupping the back of his neck and drawing him deeper into the kiss. Shepard slid his hands down Kaidan's back to grip his ass, rubbing his thigh between Kaidan's legs.

 

“God, John,” Kaidan moaned.

 

“Ewww... daddy is touching papa's butt!” Cam yelled, and Claire giggled beside him.

 

“Guess she's feeling better,” John said dryly.

 

Kaidan groaned and stepped out of his husband's arms. “I'll keep them occupied while you change,” he said, pressing one more soft kiss to John's lips.

 

“I'll be quick.”

 

**

 

“Brin!” Shepard shouted from the front door. “We're going to be late!”

 

“Coming!” Brinley came hopping out of her room on one foot, trying to fit her shoe onto the other as she moved down the hall.

 

“You look beautiful,” he told her, “but hurry your ass up and get in the car!”

 

She laughed at him, tossing over her shoulder as she ran down the stairs, “I'm telling papa!” Shepard grinned as he locked the front door.

 

It took some effort to corral the twins into the skycar, but eventually they were on their way to the ceremony. It had been ten years since Shepard had activated the Crucible and destroyed the reapers. Celebrations had been planned all over the galaxy, beginning with a ceremony to commemorate those who had lost their lives while serving aboard the Normandy.

 

They were ushered to their seats, Kaidan and the kids in the front row, John on the stage so that he could give his speech. Anderson and Hackett both gave speeches along with several lower ranking military officials. When it came time for the human Councilor to give his speech, Claire started crying for her daddy. John watched as Kaidan tried – and failed – to calm their daughter. He was about to take her out of the ceremony altogether, when Shepard stepped forward. “Ah, hell, Kaidan, give her here.”

 

He went to the edge of the stage to lift her up, and Cam shouted right into the mic on John's lapel, “Papa! Daddy said a bad word!” Which sent a ripple of laughter through the crowd.

 

“Sorry, Cam. Sorry, papa,” John winked at his husband and tousled his son's hair before lifting Claire so that she could rest her head on his shoulder. “Sorry folks. She's not feeling well today.” He shifted Claire so that she was resting on his chest with her face buried in his neck enabling him to see his speech. He opened his mouth to speak then closed it again, suddenly choked with emotion as he looked out over the crowd.

 

Every living crew member of the Normandy for the years from the Eden Prime War till the end of the Reaper War were present. “I know this is unprecedented, but,” he looked to Kaidan and motioned for him to come up on stage, “when have you ever known me to do anything traditional?” That earned him a chuckle from the audience.

 

When his family was standing beside him, he wrapped an arm around Kaidan's waist. “This is why I fought so damn hard. For these people standing here today – my family, for each of you and your families and loved ones. I couldn't save them all, no matter how much I wanted to, but I've learned that I have to be grateful for the ones I could save. And to honor the memories of those that I couldn't. Today we gather to pay tribute to those brave and loyal souls who served on the Normandy and made the ultimate sacrifice so that those of us who are standing here today could dwell in relative peace and safety, knowing that future generations will be free from the threat of the reapers.

 

“During the Reaper War, we had a memorial wall aboard the Normandy, and it seemed that the list of names got longer day by day as the war waged. No one will ever understand the weight of guilt that I carried over every single loss. They were my responsibility, and I failed them. But to dwell on my failure lessens their sacrifice. Some of them were Alliance marines, sworn to do their duty until their last breath, others were just brave souls who were willing to give their all to make a difference.”

 

John read the names on the list as their photos displayed on a screen behind him – Corporal Richard Jenkins, Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, Navigator Charles Pressly, Dr. Mordin Solus, Thane Krios, Legion, along with the crew members who had gone down with the original Normandy. Their families came up onto the stage to receive medals on behalf of their fallen loved ones.

 

He then called the living members of the Normandy crew. Each was being awarded a Star of Terra for their service. “Admiral Kaidan Alenko-Shepard,” John turned toward his husband and pinned the medal to his chest before pressing a tender kiss to his lips.

 

“Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau.” Joker had refused advancement so that he could remain the helmsman of the Normandy. It was almost understood that the man would remain in control of the ship's helm until the day he died. He climbed up onto the stage with the assistance of EDI and stood at attention while Shepard pinned the medal to his chest.

 

“Primarch of Palaven, Garrus Vakarian.” Garrus came up onto the stage, standing stiffly while his medal was pinned on. He offered John a crisp salute, which was reciprocated before both men broke into a smile.

 

“Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy.” Tali waddled up onto the stage very pregnant with hers and Garrus' third baby. Their other two children ran across the stage to cling to Garrus' legs while Tali received her medal. Quarians had abandoned their suits years ago thanks to the geth's assistance. The women still wore a head covering though as a symbol of the life they'd lived. Tali smiled up at John as he pinned the medal to her chest and kissed her on the cheek.

 

“Dr. Liara T'soni.” Liara came onto the stage. This was the first time she'd been on Earth in nine years. John hoped she would come to the house after the ceremony and that they would have the opportunity to introduce Ashley to her. He pinned the medal to her chest and kissed her cheek the same as Tali, and Liara smiled happily at him. He was grateful to see that she'd finally been able to move on and find some peace in her life.

 

“Councilor Urdnot Wrex.” Wrex stomped onto the stage and barely stood still long enough for John to pin the medal to his chest before grabbing Shepard's hand in his and giving it a nearly bone crushing squeeze. “Brother,” the old krogan muttered. John grinned and nodded once.

 

“Dr. Karin Chakwas and Professor Greg Adams.” Karin and Greg had retired after they'd married. They were happily living in Paris where Karin did volunteer work at a local hospital and Greg was a professor of engineering at a university. Shepard pinned the medals to their chests with a kiss on Karin's cheek, and she smiled up at him, patting his shoulder before walking to the other side of the stage.

 

“EDI.” The robot stepped forward from where she stood beside Jeff and allowed Shepard to pin the medal to the lapel of her black suit jacket.

 

“Miranda Lawson and Lieutenant Jacqueline Naught.” Jack and Miranda walked hand in hand across the stage. John would never have believed that they were a couple who would last, but they had surprised him. Their two krogan children followed behind them headbutting each other. Jack was still teaching biotic students in the Alliance, and Miranda was the head of a civilian genetics firm. John pinned their medals on and they took their places across the stage.

 

“Jacob Taylor.” Jacob received his medal and waved at his wife and two children. He'd started a private security firm that offered it's services to high-level science research facilities and did contract work for the Alliance.

 

“Urdnot Grunt.” The first krogan Spectre marched across the stage in much the same way as Wrex and received his medal. Shepard narrowly escaped taking a headbutt from the krogan. “Getting slow in your old age, Shepard,” Grunt said with that laugh of his that would make lesser men piss their pants. Shepard just laughed and shooed the krogan to the other side of the stage.

 

“Zaeed Massani.” Shepard was surprised to see that the old merc had actually put on clothes. He'd half expected the old man to show up in armor. He wasn't wearing a suit, but he still looked presentable, which was all Shepard could really ask. Massani shook hands with Shepard after receiving his medal. He was still up to his old tricks and would be until he died, John figured.

 

“Samara.” The justicar crossed the stage and bowed respectfully to Shepard who pinned the medal to her chest and nodded his appreciation. She was another who would continue on her mission to bring justice to the galaxy until it claimed her life.

 

“Kasumi Goto was unfortunately unable to attend today's ceremony, but she served as an integral part of the Normandy's crew during our mission to stop the Collectors.” John had seen the shimmer of Kasumi's tactical cloak, but he'd known the thief would never show herself on a stage in front of such a large crowd. Some things just never changed.

 

“Kenneth and Gabriella Donnelly.” Ken and Gabby and their two children crossed the stage to receive their medals. They were both still serving in the Alliance, although they worked for R&D now, trying to improve the engines for all standard frigates.

 

“Samantha Traynor.” Sam had left the Alliance after the Normandy finished opening up the relays to the rest of the galaxy, which took well over two years. She had also opened her own firm specializing in communications for off world corporations.

 

“Javik.” The prothean had gone to Thessia to write a book with Liara, then spent many years wandering the planets searching for artifacts of his people which he donated to a museum on the asari home world. He still hadn't seemed to find his place in the new galaxy though, and John wished that there was some way to help him. Javik was a loner, however, and likely always would be.

 

“Major James and Commander Steve Vega.” James and Steve walked up onto the stage, swinging their little boy by the arms between them. They were both still serving aboard the Normandy – James had been made a Spectre years ago, and was still the ship's captain, having held the position far longer than Shepard ever had. “Gonna be a hell of a party tonight, Loco,” James said with a grin.

 

“Papa!” Cameron shouted, “Uncle James said a bad word!”

 

“Cameron Shepard ladies and gentlemen,” Shepard announced. “Captain of the Profanity Police! At least he was getting someone else in trouble this time. Usually it's me he's telling on.” The crowd laughed again. “These are your heroes folks,” he said gesturing to his friends on the stage. “The sacrifices and dedication of these men and women are the reason any of us are alive to see this day, and I am honored to call each and every one of them my friend.”

 

The crowd erupted into thunderous applause, and to John's surprise, Kaidan stepped up to the podium, holding Cam in his arms. He waited until the noise died down a little to speak, “My husband's modesty is commendable, but every person on this stage knows that we would never have accomplished what we did without his leadership. We were just the grunts following his orders, even when those orders seemed foolish. And even when the mission didn't turn out the way we expected, we always knew that it wasn't because of faulty orders. Without John the whole damn thing would have been a disaster.”

 

Cameron interrupted to point out papa's bad word, garnering more laughter. Kaidan kissed his son on the cheek and continued, “And he is still leading his people today, forward into a future of peace and prosperity. Because of John, centuries old feuds have been lain to rest. Because of his efforts both during the war and since, as humanity's Councilor, species who could barely tolerate each other have worked tirelessly together for over a decade to both defeat the reapers and to rebuild a devastated galaxy.

 

“To the galaxy, John Shepard is a hero, but to his family, he is our best friend and protector, he's our children's daddy,” he turned to John, eyes beaming, “he's my soul mate. During the war I watched this man bear the weight of the galaxy on his shoulders. He was forced to see and do things that would have broken a lesser man, and through it all, he carried himself with the same quiet dignity that we've all witnessed from him on a daily basis. I once heard Admiral David Anderson say that soldiers like John Shepard were rare, and men like John Shepard were even more rare, and I couldn't agree more. He's already received a Star of Terra, so that's no big deal to him, but the Alliance decided that his achievements deserved to be honored. Councilor John Alenko-Shepard, in recognition of your efforts to bring about galactic peace, it is my very great honor to award you the very first medal of it's kind – the Alliance Star of Peace and Freedom.”

 

Kaidan pinned the medal to his husband's chest then pressed a gentle kiss to his lips as the crowd exploded again. In the distance a twenty one gun salute sounded to honor the dead, and from then on the streets of every city across the galaxy were wild with celebration.

 

 

**

 

After a more than a decade of hard work, none of the old crowd were much into wild partying like they had been once upon a time, so all of them were content to sit on the porch of the Alenko-Shepard home sipping beer and reminiscing while the children played on the beach in front of the house. When the sun went down, they all wandered down to the beach and spread out blankets in the sand to watch the fireworks display over the pier. Cameron and Claire – who was still not feeling well, and had spent most of the day in her daddy's lap – drifted off to sleep in spite of the loud noises. John and Kaidan lay on their backs on their blanket, each with a child sleeping on his chest, and with Ash lying on her back in between them. Brinley had gone off to spend time with some of her friends, though she'd been warned – repeatedly – to be back by twenty three hundred hours. John reached over to run his fingers through Kaidan's hair, and the older man turned his face to press a kiss to his husband's palm.

 

When the show was over, their friends straggled out carrying children in various stages of sleep. John and Kaidan carried the sleeping twins up to their room on the second floor and tucked them into their beds, then went to say good night to Brin and Ash. Because they still couldn't stand an untidy house, they cleaned up the mess left by their visitors before hauling themselves upstairs. They stripped down to their underwear in silence and crawled under the covers, snuggling close to one another.

 

“Today was good, huh?” Kaidan asked.

 

“I hate that Claire didn't feel well. Dr. Chakwas gave her some antibiotics though, so hopefully she'll be better in a day or two. I had her go ahead and leave some for Cam. Whatever one gets, the other inevitably comes down with, too.” John burrowed closer to his husband with a yawn. “But yeah... it was a good day. Great to see everyone again. I'm glad Kasumi stopped by the house to get her medal.”

 

“She was at the ceremony today wasn't she?”

 

“Yeah,” John chuckled. “I knew she'd never show herself. Still, she deserved a medal just like everyone else. The galaxy owes you all more than medals.”

 

“We got more, John. We got peace and a chance at happiness.”

 

“I love you, Kaid.”

 

“Love you too, babe.” Kaidan pressed his lips to John's forehead, and John pressed his to Kaidan's chest, burrowing even closer.

 

He wrapped his arms around Kaidan's back, and his hands glided up and down the still taut muscles that rippled beneath his skin. Kaidan let out a little moan when John's lips pressed against his chest over and over, feathery little kisses that tingled everywhere they landed. John shifted closer and moved up his husband's neck, nipping the skin between his teeth then soothing it with the flat of his tongue. Kaidan rolled on top of his husband and brought their mouths together and soft and lazy soon turned to heated and hungry. John gripped his husband's hips and held them in place while he ground up against him. “Kaidan,” he whispered.

 

After all these years, Kaidan didn't need to hear any more to know what his husband wanted. He reached into the drawer for the lube then shifted off of his husband so they could shuck out of their boxer briefs. When they were both naked, he took his place again, grinding their hips together, dicks trapped between them. John arched his back, head pushing against his pillow, and Kaidan took the opportunity to lave his neck with open mouthed kisses. “Please,” John breathed.

 

Kaidan would never tire of hearing his husband's breathless pleas. Even after all this time, John Shepard was still a force to be reckoned with – still a star that sucked anyone or anything that strayed too close into his orbit. Kaidan wasn't ashamed to admit that he was still a little star struck sometimes as he gazed at this man, his lover for over fourteen years – if he counted those two years when John had been dead and the one where Kaidan had been an idiot.

 

Through everything John had never lost faith in his lover, and Kaidan felt like he'd made it up to the man properly. John always told him he did anyway. And yet, despite the fact that Shepard could bend the entire galaxy to his will, he still turned into a mushy pile of want and need whenever Kaidan touched him just so. The older man grinned at his husband.

 

He shifted himself down so that he could hook John's legs over his shoulders. Kaidan didn't bother to tease them. They had a sick daughter and were probably in for a long night, but they'd learned during the war how to make the most of their time. Without preamble, he took John's turgid length into his mouth, drawing a strangled sound from his husband. Kaidan grinned around the cock in his mouth. Blue eyes bore down on him in the dark, and he ran a slick finger around John's entrance before slipping in to the knuckle. Shepard flopped back onto the bed then, hips bucking lightly, chasing contact. The older man worked quickly to open him up, then rose onto his knees, slicking his cock with lube and lining himself up. Shepard's legs slid down, and Kaidan held them back with his arms, opening his husband up wide and sinking easily into the younger man, their bodies used to the familiar action.

 

John brought his hand to his mouth and bit down on his finger to stifle his cry of pleasure. He'd always been a somewhat noisy lover, but when the kids were in the house, they tried to keep it quiet. Kaidan figured he owed his husband a night away soon so they could really cut loose for a change. “Love you,” Kaidan murmured.

 

“Love you.” It was so quiet it could hardly even be called a whisper, but the sentiment came through loud and clear. They'd always been good at silent communication anyway. John had no leverage to buck against his husband, so he just lay there and let Kaidan do all the work, but the older man couldn't say he minded. He snapped his hips forward, hard but slow, relishing the little whimpers he received in recompense. Shepard gripped his husband's shoulders, nails digging into the flesh. “More,” Shepard gasped, and Kaidan was happy to oblige increasing the pace. He shifted the angle to tap against the nerve bundle that always sparked a current through his lover and hastily captured John's mouth to silence him. “F-fuck, Kaidan,” he ground out. “Fuck me harder.”

 

“Gladly, babe.” He pistoned in and out of the man beneath him, rolling his hips just so to light John's nerves on fire.

 

Shepard grabbed his own dick and jerked frantically a few times. “Gonna come,” he keened, free hand coming behind Kaidan's neck to pull him into a reckless kiss, and Kaidan groaned as he felt his husband's hot essence hit him in the belly. John's body shook convulsively, pulling Kaidan into oblivion, too. “Holy hell, I love it when you do that,” John fell against the bed, boneless.

 

Kaidan eased himself out of his husband's body then extricated himself from the tangle of legs and flopped onto his side, snaking an arm around his husband's mid section. “Me, too,” he said with a laugh.

 

After cleaning themselves up, they settled back into each others arms, sharing lazy smiles and kisses, murmuring I love yous. Shepard lay in his husband's arms, the little spoon as usual, content and at peace. Life still had its share of ups and downs – sick children, hectic days, slaving away at maintaining that hard won galactic peace – but he wouldn't ever want to go back. Days like today – surrounded by loved ones, celebrating the life they'd fought for, and just being able to rest in the knowledge that their children were safe thanks to their efforts – made all the hard days worth it. And in the end, that was what life was all about – precious moments of time with the people that meant the most. The galaxy wasn't perfect – Shepard wasn't perfect – but he could say with all honesty, that his life was as close to perfect as he could get. It was not something he'd ever really imagined – being a husband, a father to four children – but that didn't mean he didn't love every minute of it, even the hard times.

 

John pulled his husband's arms around him tighter and sighed a happy sigh. “You're right Kaidan...” he murmured just before sleep took him. “Today was a damn good day.... the best.”

 

 

**End**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like a huge part of my life is ending with this chapter. I started writing this story a year ago with no intention of ever letting anyone read it. I was so shy and nervous about my writing abilities. My husband was the one who convinced me that I should share it, so I'm grateful to him. Honestly, the only reason I joined AO3 and Tumblr was to post and share this story. So if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have made all the wonderful friends that I have because of this story. So, special thanks to Mr. Bee, the Kaidan to my Shepard, the one true love of my life! :)
> 
> To everyone who has left kudos on this story, but especially to those of you who've taken the time to comment on each chapter, you will never know how much your comments bolstered my confidence. So, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for falling in love with my characters. I'm going to miss them all so much, and I'm going to miss hearing from y'all. I'm sure there will be one-shots for these guys in the future, and a possible sequel. :)
> 
> Drop me a line on tumblr if you're so inclined. I'm ellebeedarling over there as well. 
> 
> I'm crying as I write this. It's like saying goodbye to a dear friend. But I hope you enjoyed the last chapter. All I wanted was an ending to leave people feeling hopeful rather than what we got in the game. Hopefully I accomplished that. Thanks again for all the love and support! <3
> 
> Much love,  
> Ellebee

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Someone To Love (перевод)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11610702) by [nrop15](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nrop15/pseuds/nrop15), [Regomem](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Regomem/pseuds/Regomem)




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